10/30/16

I can't commit to any of these women.
My trust is fucked.
I don't even feel a desire for anything more than surface shit.

I don't know, I want a gf but it makes me sick thinking about it.
I don't even know what I'm looking for.
What do I want in a gf?
What sort of characteristics?
Something fun
Something deep
Something independent

ugh fuck dating, fuck relationships.

Why don't I want this shit anymore?
I want to want it but the thought of making one of these women my gf gives me anxiety.

It's easy to love once the seed has grown
But how the fuck do you move the seed from palm to soil?

It's so much easier like this.
I'm in control of my life.
I go where I want.
I do what I want.
I don't have to worry about not helping someone move.
I don't have to worry about not texting back.

Being single has always been so easy for me.
Long term relationships always start to feel so confining.

I want one because I think it would be good for my character. It would be good for me to have someone else to consider, to care about. But it feels impossible to stir up enough feelings for someone to want that.

What are the benefits to a relationship?

Intimacy seems like more harm than good in my experience.
Let someone see the ugly in me, and for what?
Open up, grow together, why?
To one day have them selfishly leave once they have chewed me up and spit me out?

Fuck that.

Do I only want a relationship because it's what people do? It's the next step in growing up?
It feels so restricting.
Give myself to someone slowly lose who I am become some sort of mix of the two of us.

I like who I am.
I don't want someone to change me. I don't want to change someone.

I'm so afraid I'm going to one day be this single 40 something so stubborn and set in my ways because I didn't let anyone in my life to challenge and push me to grow.

But I'm also afraid I'm going to one day be this married 40 something so miserable and so modified by the selfless giving required of marriage that all my passions and desires for this one life are snuffed out and I come home to my basic house with my basic family talking about basic bullshit.

Again I feel like Mr. Nobody paralyzed by the two paths.

I think the only way I find peace is through the one thing I vowed to never do in my life.
Divorce.
Divorce feels like this safety lever I could pull in time to salvage the dying flame of passions for this life.

But I don't want to have an ex wife.
I don't want some woman walking the Earth who got to have all of me only to move on and replace me.
I don't want to build something and quit, leaving this abandoned construction sight exposed scaffolding and stacks of bricks never laid.

I'm basically a month away from 29 and I'm in the same place I was at 19.

I want to be a husband
But I can't get fucking married
I don't want to be divorced
but I need some sort of escape plan just in case

This fucking tension
This one life is ending each day and I stand paralyzed trying to figure out how the fuck I want to spend this rare magnificent temporary existence on Earth.

What should I do God?
Should I just date one of these women and the feelings and shit will grow the more time we spend together?
Or should I stay free, stay single just keep having fun with women I meet.

What is the right path?
Is there a right path?

Is marriage that great?
Is divorce that bad?


At least I found what the fuck I want to do with my life career-wise in my twenties, they weren't a total waste of time. I was able to make one life commitment. Maybe in my 30's I'll be able to decide this shit.

My trust is fucked.
I want to spend sometime over the ocean in the Alpine range. I can't wait for my first summer off after teaching. This life is so fucking short. I want to wwoof for a month in Montana. Rest my brain from homework and textbooks and put this body to work while it still functions.

Starboy - The Weeknd ft. Daft Punk

10/23/16

Last weekend makes
three women in four months.
What am I doing?

But I had to know. I had to put myself out there again to be vulnerable with someone else to see if the way it felt with her was the real thing or just how I feel intimate with anyone.

Now I know. Sometimes I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of what I'm capable of. The choices I can make and the irreversible reality of this single quick life.

Intimacy
Sex
Vulnerability

It's such a strange thing. It's strange how two people can experience the same event and yet interpret and process completely differently.

I'm glad we as humans have something like sex.
What would our world look like if we couldn't express ourselves in this way?

What would our music, our art, our poetry, our most beautiful expressions manifest themselves as without such a vulnerable and wonderful experience?

Freedom is what makes everything in this life so precious, so amazing.

With freedom sex has the ability to become this expression of the deepest love, the intimate knowing, and accepting of another person and the trust that they know you and are equally authentic with you.

Sex through freedom has the ability to be a surfacing sport engaged by two strangers drunk after a night out.

It's the same action, and yet, it is completely different.
How can the same thing be different?

scientists observe the natural world, they try to hard to box everything up and understand our reality. They believe that through understanding and labeling we humans can gain superiority over this world.

But it all feels like a delusion we all want to buy into because it makes us feel safe.

But sex is not so easily nailed down. Like everything in this life, thanks to freedom there is no black and white.

Rape and Honeymoon are not the same thing, though the "definition" the "classification" may only see black and white.

Hook up and Making love are not the same.

But this is where it become so unique.

What if one views the same action as making love while the other party views it as a mere hook up?
What if one person's hook up is another's rape?

What if one person loves the other and the other feels in that moment strongly but it is a fleeting temporary momentary feeling?

Who's perspective is right? Are they both right? If so are their two realities we live in on the same planet? And if two people can live in separate realities then how many realities are there?

Do we each live in our own worlds? Is there ever a way to truly connect with another person's reality?

A knowing of an other in the purest sense of the word?

If it's possible, it's impossible to ever truly know if it's happening.

We can trust what the other says, we can experience intimacy together but at the end of the day there is no way to know if this person is truly in your reality with you or merely deceiving you for their own reality.

Broccoli - Big Baby D.R.A.M. feat. Lil Yachty

10/16/16

Tomorrow I start at the other elementary school. I already feel so much pressure and stress as it is.
Waking up at 6:15 every morning working until 6pm homework, study, reading, class until 10pm Try to eat something and wash my hair early enough to get enough sleep before I have to wake up at 6am again.

Have I become my father?

I vowed to never go back to school.
I vowed to find a job I didn't have to take home with me.
I vowed to never work a Saturday again.

Here I am waking up almost as early as he does.
Working myself to exhaustion and falling asleep.

My dad asleep on the couch with the TV on.
That's how I will always remember him in my childhood.

I will not be that.

Your children need your presence more than your presents.
-Jesse Jackson

Now I know why teachers need summers off. They need time to emotionally recharge as they constantly pour out and empty themselves of their patience, understanding, and modeling calm behavior.

I've been teaching emotionally unregulated preschoolers for 3 and a half years now. No summer break, no snow days. Straight through. And now I'm about to work in three different classrooms each with their own children with their own needs. I have to be that representative of trust, consistency, and reliability while running on an empty tank already.

8 weeks until California.
I can do this.
I can push through this semester.
I've been pushing through for the past year.
No summer break from classes.
No break from work.
Still maintaining that 4.0

Teaching is such an emotional drain
But it's greatest weakness is its strength
Teaching is such an emotional reward

Take chances, make mistakes, get messy
-Miss Frizzle

In order the cultivate a climate where children feel safe enough and free enough to take chances and fail teachers must put themselves out there emotionally. We cannot be that stone cold stern robot authoritarian. Principals love the classroom management results of silent sitting children. But the classroom loses it's power and ability to be a place of learning. It becomes a prison, enslaved by the schedule and the irritation of adults who's ears detest loud noises.

Sorry God I went off an a tangent.

Help me with time management. Help me balance school, work. social, and self care.
Help me get through these 8 weeks.

Help me survive til California.

What a privilege and a luxury to get the opportunity to teach children. Please don't let this purpose be taken from me.

After 28 years I've finally found a job worth tethering to my identity. I've finally found a job worth spending thousands of dollars in school. I've finally found a job that gives me life during the day.

Help me survive school.

Bob Dylan - Hurricane

10/09/16

do not speak to me of martyrdom,
of men who die to be remembered
on some parish day.
i don’t believe in dying
though, I too shall die.
and violets like castanets
will echo me.
-Malcolm by Sonia Sanchez

And one morning while in the woods I stumbled
suddenly upon the thing,
Stumbled upon it in a grassy clearing guarded by scaly
oaks and elms
And the sooty details of the scene rose, thrusting
themselves between the world and me....

There was a design of white bones slumbering forgottenly
upon a cushion of ashes.
There was a charred stump of a sapling pointing a blunt
finger accusingly at the sky.
There were torn tree limbs, tiny veins of burnt leaves, and
a scorched coil of greasy hemp;
A vacant shoe, an empty tie, a ripped shirt, a lonely hat,
and a pair of trousers stiff with black blood.
And upon the trampled grass were buttons, dead matches,
butt-ends of cigars and cigarettes, peanut shells, a
drained gin-flask, and a whore's lipstick;
Scattered traces of tar, restless arrays of feathers, and the
lingering smell of gasoline.
And through the morning air the sun poured yellow
surprise into the eye sockets of the stony skull....

And while I stood my mind was frozen within cold pity
for the life that was gone.
The ground gripped my feet and my heart was circled by
icy walls of fear--
The sun died in the sky; a night wind muttered in the
grass and fumbled the leaves in the trees; the woods
poured forth the hungry yelping of hounds; the
darkness screamed with thirsty voices; and the witnesses rose and lived:
The dry bones stirred, rattled, lifted, melting themselves
into my bones.
The grey ashes formed flesh firm and black, entering into
my flesh.

The gin-flask passed from mouth to mouth, cigars and
cigarettes glowed, the whore smeared lipstick red
upon her lips,
And a thousand faces swirled around me, clamoring that
my life be burned....

And then they had me, stripped me, battering my teeth
into my throat till I swallowed my own blood.
My voice was drowned in the roar of their voices, and my
black wet body slipped and rolled in their hands as
they bound me to the sapling.
And my skin clung to the bubbling hot tar, falling from
me in limp patches.
And the down and quills of the white feathers sank into
my raw flesh, and I moaned in my agony.
Then my blood was cooled mercifully, cooled by a
baptism of gasoline.
And in a blaze of red I leaped to the sky as pain rose like water, boiling my limbs
Panting, begging I clutched childlike, clutched to the hot
sides of death.
Now I am dry bones and my face a stony skull staring in
yellow surprise at the sun....
-Between the World and Me by Richard Wright

10/02/16

Loyal
I dream of my life being the personification of hope but the more I think about it the more I find the word loyal resting at the bottom of my brain.

Loyal
loyal to my friends
loyal to Ohio
loyal to my religion
loyal to my traditions
loyal to my exs

I remember that summer day eating Graeters on the bench together as she read my astrological sign.
Loyal
That's when the seed was planted. Looking through my story with the lens of loyalty

The boulder in the middle of the river, as time flows by, as life continues the rock remains. The leaves change color, the water freezes, the clouds blow past the rock stays there. Reliable, faithful, consistent.

Roots deep in my place. investment, knowing, home.

What good are all the adventures if there is no place to return home?

In exactly two months I'll be 29 years old.

I suppose my strength is my weakness

my ability to never give up on something
my ability to never commit to anything

Commitment from a loyal man can be a dangerous thing to himself.

Words don't mean as much to people as they do to me.
People change, people go with the flow of the river.

Travis always says, if you aren't growing, you're dying.
I hate that capitalistic business mentality of MORE MORE MORE

but my feelings on the issue don't change the truth of his words.

If we stand still, it is a form of moving backwards.

There is only forward.

My whole life I've always wanted to get married. I've wanted to have a wife I could make smile every morning and kiss every night. A wife to stand next to as we explore the world, a wife to know, a picture on my desk. I've always wanted children. To be defined as a father, a grandfather.

But maybe I don't want that anymore.
Maybe I can't anymore.

I've only loved two women, both of them abandoned me for other things.
What is that?
eight years with one
four years with the other

When love and trust are gone. I guess this is moving on

loyal.

I don't know if I want a wife.
I don't know if I want to trust like that again.

Sure sex is fun
and having someone to experience life with is great

but maybe marriage isn't for me.

Even if I happen to find someone I am willing to give myself to again, what will the result be?
My brother's marriage?
My parents'?

horrible fake engagement photos, blood diamonds, thousand dollar cakes, dresses for only one night, weddings set at some vintage farmhouse, Edison bulbs, and outside weddings, it's all so insincere and trendy.

Thinking about going to a jeweler makes me sick to my stomach
Thinking about scheduling our over priced white privilege engagement photos to show off for likes and comments online makes me want to barf.

I don't know, I need to let my brain process this more.

Do the stars determine the kind of man I am? Loyal and afraid of commitment?

Blind Pilot - The Story I Heard