I can't commit to any of these women.
My trust is fucked.
I don't even feel a desire for anything more than surface shit.
I don't know, I want a gf but it makes me sick thinking about it.
I don't even know what I'm looking for.
What do I want in a gf?
What sort of characteristics?
Something fun
Something deep
Something independent
ugh fuck dating, fuck relationships.
Why don't I want this shit anymore?
I want to want it but the thought of making one of these women my gf gives me anxiety.
It's easy to love once the seed has grown
But how the fuck do you move the seed from palm to soil?
It's so much easier like this.
I'm in control of my life.
I go where I want.
I do what I want.
I don't have to worry about not helping someone move.
I don't have to worry about not texting back.
Being single has always been so easy for me.
Long term relationships always start to feel so confining.
I want one because I think it would be good for my character. It would be good for me to have someone else to consider, to care about. But it feels impossible to stir up enough feelings for someone to want that.
What are the benefits to a relationship?
Intimacy seems like more harm than good in my experience.
Let someone see the ugly in me, and for what?
Open up, grow together, why?
To one day have them selfishly leave once they have chewed me up and spit me out?
Fuck that.
Do I only want a relationship because it's what people do? It's the next step in growing up?
It feels so restricting.
Give myself to someone slowly lose who I am become some sort of mix of the two of us.
I like who I am.
I don't want someone to change me. I don't want to change someone.
I'm so afraid I'm going to one day be this single 40 something so stubborn and set in my ways because I didn't let anyone in my life to challenge and push me to grow.
But I'm also afraid I'm going to one day be this married 40 something so miserable and so modified by the selfless giving required of marriage that all my passions and desires for this one life are snuffed out and I come home to my basic house with my basic family talking about basic bullshit.
Again I feel like Mr. Nobody paralyzed by the two paths.
I think the only way I find peace is through the one thing I vowed to never do in my life.
Divorce.
Divorce feels like this safety lever I could pull in time to salvage the dying flame of passions for this life.
But I don't want to have an ex wife.
I don't want some woman walking the Earth who got to have all of me only to move on and replace me.
I don't want to build something and quit, leaving this abandoned construction sight exposed scaffolding and stacks of bricks never laid.
I'm basically a month away from 29 and I'm in the same place I was at 19.
I want to be a husband
But I can't get fucking married
I don't want to be divorced
but I need some sort of escape plan just in case
This fucking tension
This one life is ending each day and I stand paralyzed trying to figure out how the fuck I want to spend this rare magnificent temporary existence on Earth.
What should I do God?
Should I just date one of these women and the feelings and shit will grow the more time we spend together?
Or should I stay free, stay single just keep having fun with women I meet.
What is the right path?
Is there a right path?
Is marriage that great?
Is divorce that bad?
At least I found what the fuck I want to do with my life career-wise in my twenties, they weren't a total waste of time. I was able to make one life commitment. Maybe in my 30's I'll be able to decide this shit.
My trust is fucked.
I want to spend sometime over the ocean in the Alpine range. I can't wait for my first summer off after teaching. This life is so fucking short. I want to wwoof for a month in Montana. Rest my brain from homework and textbooks and put this body to work while it still functions.
Starboy - The Weeknd ft. Daft Punk
My trust is fucked.
I don't even feel a desire for anything more than surface shit.
I don't know, I want a gf but it makes me sick thinking about it.
I don't even know what I'm looking for.
What do I want in a gf?
What sort of characteristics?
Something fun
Something deep
Something independent
ugh fuck dating, fuck relationships.
Why don't I want this shit anymore?
I want to want it but the thought of making one of these women my gf gives me anxiety.
It's easy to love once the seed has grown
But how the fuck do you move the seed from palm to soil?
It's so much easier like this.
I'm in control of my life.
I go where I want.
I do what I want.
I don't have to worry about not helping someone move.
I don't have to worry about not texting back.
Being single has always been so easy for me.
Long term relationships always start to feel so confining.
I want one because I think it would be good for my character. It would be good for me to have someone else to consider, to care about. But it feels impossible to stir up enough feelings for someone to want that.
What are the benefits to a relationship?
Intimacy seems like more harm than good in my experience.
Let someone see the ugly in me, and for what?
Open up, grow together, why?
To one day have them selfishly leave once they have chewed me up and spit me out?
Fuck that.
Do I only want a relationship because it's what people do? It's the next step in growing up?
It feels so restricting.
Give myself to someone slowly lose who I am become some sort of mix of the two of us.
I like who I am.
I don't want someone to change me. I don't want to change someone.
I'm so afraid I'm going to one day be this single 40 something so stubborn and set in my ways because I didn't let anyone in my life to challenge and push me to grow.
But I'm also afraid I'm going to one day be this married 40 something so miserable and so modified by the selfless giving required of marriage that all my passions and desires for this one life are snuffed out and I come home to my basic house with my basic family talking about basic bullshit.
Again I feel like Mr. Nobody paralyzed by the two paths.
I think the only way I find peace is through the one thing I vowed to never do in my life.
Divorce.
Divorce feels like this safety lever I could pull in time to salvage the dying flame of passions for this life.
But I don't want to have an ex wife.
I don't want some woman walking the Earth who got to have all of me only to move on and replace me.
I don't want to build something and quit, leaving this abandoned construction sight exposed scaffolding and stacks of bricks never laid.
I'm basically a month away from 29 and I'm in the same place I was at 19.
I want to be a husband
But I can't get fucking married
I don't want to be divorced
but I need some sort of escape plan just in case
This fucking tension
This one life is ending each day and I stand paralyzed trying to figure out how the fuck I want to spend this rare magnificent temporary existence on Earth.
What should I do God?
Should I just date one of these women and the feelings and shit will grow the more time we spend together?
Or should I stay free, stay single just keep having fun with women I meet.
What is the right path?
Is there a right path?
Is marriage that great?
Is divorce that bad?
At least I found what the fuck I want to do with my life career-wise in my twenties, they weren't a total waste of time. I was able to make one life commitment. Maybe in my 30's I'll be able to decide this shit.
My trust is fucked.
I want to spend sometime over the ocean in the Alpine range. I can't wait for my first summer off after teaching. This life is so fucking short. I want to wwoof for a month in Montana. Rest my brain from homework and textbooks and put this body to work while it still functions.
Starboy - The Weeknd ft. Daft Punk