'Yes, yes,' he said, 'very likely you are right. But I am glad you are in good spirits and go bear-hunting, and work, and are full of enthusiasms, because Shcherbatsky told me he met you and you were down in the mouth, and kept talking about death...'
'Well, what of that? I never stop thinking of death.' said Levin. 'It really is time for me to die. All those things are mere nonsense. I will tell you frankly: I value my idea and my work immensely, but really... Just think! This whole world of ours is only a speck of mildew sprung up on a tiny planet; yet we think we can have something great - thoughts, actions! They are all but grains of sand!'
'But, my dear fellow, all that is as old as the hills.'
'It is old... But, do you know, when you have once grasped it clearly, everything becomes so insignificant! If you once realize that to-morrow, if not to-day, you will die and nothing will be left of you, everything becomes insignificant! I consider my ideas very important, yet they too turn out to be insignificant - and would be, even if it were as possible to carry them out as it was to surround this bear. And so one passes one's life finding distraction in hunting or in work, merely not to think of death.'
Oblonsky listened to Levin with an affectionate and subtle smile.
'Well, of course! So now you have come round to my notion. Do you remember how you used to fly at me for seeking enjoyment in life? Do not be so severe, O moralist!...'
'But of course the good in life is...' Levin became confused. 'Oh, I don't know. All I know is, that we shall all die soon.'
'Why soon?'
'And do you know, life has less charm when one thinks of death, but it is more peaceful.'
'On the contrary, it is even brighter toward the end! However, I must be going.' returned Oblonsky, rising for the tenth time.
-Anna Karenina Part Four, Chapter 8 by Leo Tolstoy
I went to the Onboarding Session for Columbus City Schools District on May 22nd.
One step closer to my first year teaching!
Closing the door behind me walking down my steps and turning the ignition of my car. Saturday morning 7am before the city has had a chance to wake up. I took the interstate system and weaved my way south to Tennessee. Audio book playing, steam still rising out of the travel mug in the cup holder, the perfect start for a sleepy Saturday. I'm not sure the last time I took a road trip outside of the state. Maybe that weekend trip to Kansas in June? The yearly beach trip in July? Mid afternoon, swung the pack around my back tightening the straps and started out on three and a half miles to my first campsite. My lungs beginning to strain, my eyes consuming as much of the endless greenery surrounding me. Before long I arrived. The first of an unknown amount at this primitive campsite. I began the methodical ritual of constructing my home for the night. Tent poles erect, dry bag with the trips sustenance contained hoisted up the bear line. I silently gathered felled twigs and branches to prepare to create my own personal consuming sun for when the Earth spun my portion away from the authentic center star.
After everything was set I decided to venture again to explore the beauty of this ecoregion, one of the most biodiverse in the world possibly more than the rain forest. Exploring without the burden of my pack made this portion much more enjoyable. The only weight my body need carry is that of my heart as it seeks to inhale this strange environment. After an hour or two out in the Great Smoky Mountains I returned to the campsite washed myself in the nearby stream, hopefully of all the oils and dangers of the poison ivy, oak, sumac, and whatever else could create a reaction on my skin. The water was cold clear and crisp. The gentle constant sound of the stream weaving around my legs and arms mindless to the new additions to the water's path onward. I splashed my face over and over first to remove dirt and sweat then to simply enjoy the nerve shocking sensation the water drew from my body. As I returned to the campsite I noticed a couple setting up their temporary home, the beginnings of our short term village community. I greeted them and began my work on the fire. The man joined me and asked if they could accompany me and my fire. I gladly obliged a campfire with company is much better and in fact feels more natural more intended for some reason. His name was Jared from Indiana we swapped stories of camping and hiking as the embers grew. His wife joined us although silent it made me happy to see the couple and learn their story.
As dusk grew shorter we heard the steps of another addition to our tent town. A solo hiker like myself bounded into camp thanking us for the fire for he might have missed the campsite without it. After construction of this shelter he plopped down next to me on the ground, I on a rock, Jared and his wife on a log. Marshall from Seattle. Marshall had just finished a year of teaching high school American History in Mobile, Alabama literally left the school packed up and headed to our campsite. He had only taught one year in Mobile and was now beginning the next chapter of this story spending only a night in the mountains in order to unpack the stresses and hardships of a school year before moving on to his next destination. He had to be around his late 30's maybe ten years older than myself. I liked Marshall he and I started talking about the education system, politics, and the beauty of California.
After the Earth had turned itself around the sun to share it's heat with another portion our last citizens of the community joined us finishing their leg of the hike with head lamps. Another couple these two from Nashville, transplants not native to the city. I can't recall their names but after sometime setting their tent up they came back down to join in our fire side talk. Something about the fire draws us all near, much like moths and insects we humans enjoy the company of the heat, light, and conversation. The two of them seamlessly joined our discussions sharing in the common ground of exploring, camping, and the beauty of this planet.
After we each slowly retired into our zip lock domiciles I laid myself upon my sleeping mat and bag. My shoulders sore and my legs weary. Sleep came effortlessly. No traffic, no streetlights, just the sound of that ever constant stream I had bathed in previously. The soothing lullaby of its consistent flowing rhythm. Until CRASH my eyes shot open to the brightest light I'd seen illuminating the entire inside of my tent and other crash and another. Half awake completely disoriented I lay confused and petrified. A monstrous thunderstorm rolled through these smoky mountains. The sound was unlike anything I had ever heard. My brain and ears worked tirelessly to place what they were receiving, attempting to disprove the illogical conclusions of freight trains and dinosaurs my imagination was creating as reasons for the sounds. The wind tearing through those tight knit trees created a novel sound to my senses. The lightning so consistent and so magnificent that it seemed to be a spotlight from a helicopter pointed directly on my rainfly. As the storm raged and the drops pelted my tent my brain began to come to terms with how completely vulnerable I was in this moment. If I decided to run, which direction would I choose and why? No shelter nearby no sanctuary of civilization in which to find comfort. This tent, this feeble collection of cloth and net stitched together was all I had. What would I do if a tree fell? What would I do if the tent poles did not hold? What options did I have? My mind raced all the while my body lay completely and utterly helpless. It was after all of this reasoning that I concluded I as entirely at the mercy of mother nature and mother nature isn't know for her grace. I began to pray, bargaining and petitioning for a safe voyage through this storm. All of those questions of doubts, all of that logic of science instantaneously out the window as my soul cried out towards something beyond itself for rescue. It was exactly like Lev in Anna Karenina the agnostic turned religions while sprinting through a thunderstorm worried for the safety of his wife and newborn son. Tolstoy's description of his character's internal turmoil brought to the forefront of my mind as I wrestled through a similar helplessness finding myself praying exactly as Levin.
Morning came as it always does. I began to pack my gear with the early morning light illuminating my tent 6:30 in the morning preparing for my journey through the Appalachian trail to my next temporary campsite community. After I was all packed I sat on my rock and began eating my breakfast in peace. Jared and Marshal unzipped their front doors and joined shortly afterwards. We discussed the magnificence of the story with reverence and amaze giving our own personal perspectives. Jared's tent had not weathered the storm as well as mine with two inches of water at the bottom. Marshall with a smile as he boiled and shared instant coffee with us expressed how the storm symbolically washed away the stress and the challenges of the school year from his soul. I liked that. After I finished my cup of coffee with the pseudo family breakfast table I once again swung my pack upon my shoulders and began day two.
I could go on for hours expressing the glory of this Memorial Day weekend but I have things I'd like to do today in this beautiful morning and my coffee has turned cold. I'll cut to the return trip after the twenty miles of Smoky mountains and another beautiful night under the canopy of diverse vegetation and one sighting of a very harmless small bear.
On my way back to Columbus I stopped in Cincinnati to see Brian and Alan. Alan was apparently in Nashville seeing a woman. I probably could have grabbed a drink on my way up to Cincinnati from the Smokies. While Brian and I were getting a drink and catching up he told me Kelly is engaged. It was one year ago Memorial Day weekend 2016 that we got back together. How strange and how much changes in one trip around the sun. We talked about his tattoos and how he and Mara will probably end in August. We talked about him potentially moving out to Seattle. When we finished our beers we walked back to his apartment we parted ways as I finished the last leg of my trip home. Columbus.
I stepped in the door unpacked my pack threw a load in the wash and sat down to read the letter Tempestt wrote for me. She's working on things with her husband and asked for more s p a c e. "Your interesting perspective on everything is refreshing...honest. You are truly someone great in this world. I am sure you won't forget that but if for some reason you ever doubt that, please do not. You are amazing."
Maybe this is all very poor timing or maybe it's something else... I don't know but this isn't the first exgirlfriend of mine to get engaged less than a year after saying she loves me and now I am hearing how amazing I am from the woman I like very much so and she's telling me to stay away (however this one came premarried so she saved me the trouble of learning about a hasty engagement).
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein
What the fuck am I doing with my life?
I'm going to be 30 in six months
I guess I'm grateful to have lived this long. How many people had the privilege of three decades on this wonderful planet?
What am I doing?
I am insanity, but what other choice do I have, what is it to live ignoring my heart?
Life is so very strange,
But how immeasurably beautiful.
Postcard From 1952 - Explosions in the Sky
'Well, what of that? I never stop thinking of death.' said Levin. 'It really is time for me to die. All those things are mere nonsense. I will tell you frankly: I value my idea and my work immensely, but really... Just think! This whole world of ours is only a speck of mildew sprung up on a tiny planet; yet we think we can have something great - thoughts, actions! They are all but grains of sand!'
'But, my dear fellow, all that is as old as the hills.'
'It is old... But, do you know, when you have once grasped it clearly, everything becomes so insignificant! If you once realize that to-morrow, if not to-day, you will die and nothing will be left of you, everything becomes insignificant! I consider my ideas very important, yet they too turn out to be insignificant - and would be, even if it were as possible to carry them out as it was to surround this bear. And so one passes one's life finding distraction in hunting or in work, merely not to think of death.'
Oblonsky listened to Levin with an affectionate and subtle smile.
'Well, of course! So now you have come round to my notion. Do you remember how you used to fly at me for seeking enjoyment in life? Do not be so severe, O moralist!...'
'But of course the good in life is...' Levin became confused. 'Oh, I don't know. All I know is, that we shall all die soon.'
'Why soon?'
'And do you know, life has less charm when one thinks of death, but it is more peaceful.'
'On the contrary, it is even brighter toward the end! However, I must be going.' returned Oblonsky, rising for the tenth time.
-Anna Karenina Part Four, Chapter 8 by Leo Tolstoy
I went to the Onboarding Session for Columbus City Schools District on May 22nd.
One step closer to my first year teaching!
Closing the door behind me walking down my steps and turning the ignition of my car. Saturday morning 7am before the city has had a chance to wake up. I took the interstate system and weaved my way south to Tennessee. Audio book playing, steam still rising out of the travel mug in the cup holder, the perfect start for a sleepy Saturday. I'm not sure the last time I took a road trip outside of the state. Maybe that weekend trip to Kansas in June? The yearly beach trip in July? Mid afternoon, swung the pack around my back tightening the straps and started out on three and a half miles to my first campsite. My lungs beginning to strain, my eyes consuming as much of the endless greenery surrounding me. Before long I arrived. The first of an unknown amount at this primitive campsite. I began the methodical ritual of constructing my home for the night. Tent poles erect, dry bag with the trips sustenance contained hoisted up the bear line. I silently gathered felled twigs and branches to prepare to create my own personal consuming sun for when the Earth spun my portion away from the authentic center star.
After everything was set I decided to venture again to explore the beauty of this ecoregion, one of the most biodiverse in the world possibly more than the rain forest. Exploring without the burden of my pack made this portion much more enjoyable. The only weight my body need carry is that of my heart as it seeks to inhale this strange environment. After an hour or two out in the Great Smoky Mountains I returned to the campsite washed myself in the nearby stream, hopefully of all the oils and dangers of the poison ivy, oak, sumac, and whatever else could create a reaction on my skin. The water was cold clear and crisp. The gentle constant sound of the stream weaving around my legs and arms mindless to the new additions to the water's path onward. I splashed my face over and over first to remove dirt and sweat then to simply enjoy the nerve shocking sensation the water drew from my body. As I returned to the campsite I noticed a couple setting up their temporary home, the beginnings of our short term village community. I greeted them and began my work on the fire. The man joined me and asked if they could accompany me and my fire. I gladly obliged a campfire with company is much better and in fact feels more natural more intended for some reason. His name was Jared from Indiana we swapped stories of camping and hiking as the embers grew. His wife joined us although silent it made me happy to see the couple and learn their story.
As dusk grew shorter we heard the steps of another addition to our tent town. A solo hiker like myself bounded into camp thanking us for the fire for he might have missed the campsite without it. After construction of this shelter he plopped down next to me on the ground, I on a rock, Jared and his wife on a log. Marshall from Seattle. Marshall had just finished a year of teaching high school American History in Mobile, Alabama literally left the school packed up and headed to our campsite. He had only taught one year in Mobile and was now beginning the next chapter of this story spending only a night in the mountains in order to unpack the stresses and hardships of a school year before moving on to his next destination. He had to be around his late 30's maybe ten years older than myself. I liked Marshall he and I started talking about the education system, politics, and the beauty of California.
After the Earth had turned itself around the sun to share it's heat with another portion our last citizens of the community joined us finishing their leg of the hike with head lamps. Another couple these two from Nashville, transplants not native to the city. I can't recall their names but after sometime setting their tent up they came back down to join in our fire side talk. Something about the fire draws us all near, much like moths and insects we humans enjoy the company of the heat, light, and conversation. The two of them seamlessly joined our discussions sharing in the common ground of exploring, camping, and the beauty of this planet.
After we each slowly retired into our zip lock domiciles I laid myself upon my sleeping mat and bag. My shoulders sore and my legs weary. Sleep came effortlessly. No traffic, no streetlights, just the sound of that ever constant stream I had bathed in previously. The soothing lullaby of its consistent flowing rhythm. Until CRASH my eyes shot open to the brightest light I'd seen illuminating the entire inside of my tent and other crash and another. Half awake completely disoriented I lay confused and petrified. A monstrous thunderstorm rolled through these smoky mountains. The sound was unlike anything I had ever heard. My brain and ears worked tirelessly to place what they were receiving, attempting to disprove the illogical conclusions of freight trains and dinosaurs my imagination was creating as reasons for the sounds. The wind tearing through those tight knit trees created a novel sound to my senses. The lightning so consistent and so magnificent that it seemed to be a spotlight from a helicopter pointed directly on my rainfly. As the storm raged and the drops pelted my tent my brain began to come to terms with how completely vulnerable I was in this moment. If I decided to run, which direction would I choose and why? No shelter nearby no sanctuary of civilization in which to find comfort. This tent, this feeble collection of cloth and net stitched together was all I had. What would I do if a tree fell? What would I do if the tent poles did not hold? What options did I have? My mind raced all the while my body lay completely and utterly helpless. It was after all of this reasoning that I concluded I as entirely at the mercy of mother nature and mother nature isn't know for her grace. I began to pray, bargaining and petitioning for a safe voyage through this storm. All of those questions of doubts, all of that logic of science instantaneously out the window as my soul cried out towards something beyond itself for rescue. It was exactly like Lev in Anna Karenina the agnostic turned religions while sprinting through a thunderstorm worried for the safety of his wife and newborn son. Tolstoy's description of his character's internal turmoil brought to the forefront of my mind as I wrestled through a similar helplessness finding myself praying exactly as Levin.
Morning came as it always does. I began to pack my gear with the early morning light illuminating my tent 6:30 in the morning preparing for my journey through the Appalachian trail to my next temporary campsite community. After I was all packed I sat on my rock and began eating my breakfast in peace. Jared and Marshal unzipped their front doors and joined shortly afterwards. We discussed the magnificence of the story with reverence and amaze giving our own personal perspectives. Jared's tent had not weathered the storm as well as mine with two inches of water at the bottom. Marshall with a smile as he boiled and shared instant coffee with us expressed how the storm symbolically washed away the stress and the challenges of the school year from his soul. I liked that. After I finished my cup of coffee with the pseudo family breakfast table I once again swung my pack upon my shoulders and began day two.
I could go on for hours expressing the glory of this Memorial Day weekend but I have things I'd like to do today in this beautiful morning and my coffee has turned cold. I'll cut to the return trip after the twenty miles of Smoky mountains and another beautiful night under the canopy of diverse vegetation and one sighting of a very harmless small bear.
On my way back to Columbus I stopped in Cincinnati to see Brian and Alan. Alan was apparently in Nashville seeing a woman. I probably could have grabbed a drink on my way up to Cincinnati from the Smokies. While Brian and I were getting a drink and catching up he told me Kelly is engaged. It was one year ago Memorial Day weekend 2016 that we got back together. How strange and how much changes in one trip around the sun. We talked about his tattoos and how he and Mara will probably end in August. We talked about him potentially moving out to Seattle. When we finished our beers we walked back to his apartment we parted ways as I finished the last leg of my trip home. Columbus.
I stepped in the door unpacked my pack threw a load in the wash and sat down to read the letter Tempestt wrote for me. She's working on things with her husband and asked for more s p a c e. "Your interesting perspective on everything is refreshing...honest. You are truly someone great in this world. I am sure you won't forget that but if for some reason you ever doubt that, please do not. You are amazing."
Maybe this is all very poor timing or maybe it's something else... I don't know but this isn't the first exgirlfriend of mine to get engaged less than a year after saying she loves me and now I am hearing how amazing I am from the woman I like very much so and she's telling me to stay away (however this one came premarried so she saved me the trouble of learning about a hasty engagement).
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein
What the fuck am I doing with my life?
I'm going to be 30 in six months
I guess I'm grateful to have lived this long. How many people had the privilege of three decades on this wonderful planet?
What am I doing?
I am insanity, but what other choice do I have, what is it to live ignoring my heart?
Life is so very strange,
But how immeasurably beautiful.
Postcard From 1952 - Explosions in the Sky