Hold on to hope if you've got it.— TCS (@QueenStivers) July 12, 2017
I still creep her social media, it's the only way I can get my fix these past few months. I don't know if this is a song lyric, it probably is since she loves music so much it speaks to me even though I'm letting go. I've held as long as my tired fingers could to a gnarled cliff side branch but I'm falling, so I'm taking my time on my ride.
This past week I went on a date with a woman and I finally felt that spark. Maybe not a spark but there seemed to be some slight signs of starter as the steel scratched the flint. After our first date we had a second planned for Thursday. I told Alicia, I think I could feel something for this woman which means it won't work out.
Sure enough Thursday the day of our date:
I can't spoil the surprise but you need to be at my place or outside of it around 7:30 then we can walk to this
I can probably be there by 7:30, but I'll need at least 75 min to beautify myself first haha
75?!
Thursday 12:36pm: Do you remember when I told you why I joined bumble (at this point I held my phone to Alicia and I told her...this is not good)
Why?
I am just having doubts about whether it's for me. I feel like doubting is not a way to begin seeing someone. Sorry, I really enjoyed hanging out with you and I'd like to still be friends. Let me know if you want to hang out soon. I get it if you'd rather not, as I'm probably coming off like a total asshole right now.. just trying to be upfront. (I fucking knew it)
You're not coming off like an asshole at all. Is the app the problem or you just don't think we click? I've been on that app for a minute and I haven't met anyone like you. I'd hate to let something potential go before we have a chance to see what this is. I hope you don't think I'm trying to hook up with you. (Cards all on the table a thing I hate doing and usually refuse to but I suppose I had to risk.)
I think it's a combination of the app and of me just dating without thinking through if I'm ready to. I'm clearly not ready because I just feel sad and anxious about going tonight, both of which are not good signs. I'm sorry if you feel led on, I didn't intend to do that.
I don't feel led on Priya. I just really like you and I feel dumb because I normally don't catch feels. If you're not in it then that's that.
I'm sorry
Me too.
Last night I got drinks with another woman and during it I kept thinking about you and it got me very excited for tonight and of course you're anxious about it haha don't sweat it. You're just very rare and I'm glad I met you even if it was just one evening. Good luck with school and life. You'll be great for those kids. You have a really big attractive heart. Bye Priya.
Thank you, you as well. And now, I'm literally crying at work because that was so damn nice. I'm the worst.
Honestly...same.(this is where I should have left it completely defeated and pissed that anytime there could be something it never works for whatever reason meanwhile I'm getting texts from other women about when I am coming over to hook up and leave...fml after an hour I couldn't leave it be so I opened up like a fucking idiot one last time)
I just doesn't sit right in me to let someone like you walk out of my life before we got a chance to see this potential. Having said that I don't want to see someone who describes feeling anxious and sad before seeing me haha. I guess I'll just say if you ever feel like you want to give this a try or if you find yourself ready to date again please text me Priya I don't know what else to say. Alright I'll let you be. Have fun with your friends this weekend.
I will be in touch if/when I figure things out
Be in touch...like it's all a fucking business transaction, like she's politely letting the car salesman know she's not buying. And that was it. I felt like shit the rest of the day and I haven't touched that fucking app since. Friday night I spent the night at another woman's place. Hold on to hope if I've got it? I don't think I've got it anymore. Superficial conversations and hook ups it's much safer than holding on to that damn branch of hope.
That date I went on Wednesday while we were out having drinks at Odd fellows another woman I had been on a date with sat down literally behind us...I told my date we should get out of here and go on a walk. After I moved into German Village I realized one woman I hooked up with lives nearly across the road and another woman who I texted but never went out with literally lives across the street...This is literally my life. This is the reality I live in slowly dating the entire fucking city just trying to catch some butterfly feels in my stomach...fuck my life.
I'm falling, so I'm taking my time on my ride.
Calvin Harris - Feels