“I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
Monday: Leave my place at 7:25am didn't step over the threshold until 10:00pm
Tuesday: Leave at 6:30 get home at 7:00pm spend some time with Travis venting about children disrespecting us and how powerless we are in our own careers, find out my debit card number was stolen, call and sort that out.
Wednesday: Leave at 7:25 and get home around 7:00pm again prepare and eat dinner work on my budget for the month of October tweet to my friends I haven't seen in over a week about pizza
Thursday: Leave at 7:25 drive up to Westerville after work around 7:00 find out my friend is going to be a dad in March, which means they have been pregnant for around 4 months and I had no idea. Catch up and drive back down past downtown get to sleep around 11:30
Friday: Leave at 6:30 step through my front door around 6:00pm Uber on it's way to pick me up around 6:10 out drinking
...exhusted
worn thin
running on fumes
I am tired
But I don't know what to do. I don't want to cut anything out of my schedule. I refuse to be the person who comes home watches TV and repeats.
That will not be my story and my life.
But it feels like my plate is too full
gym
teaching
friends
planning
Tempestt
message parents
her friends
document behaviors
groceries
collect student data
debt
student learning objectives
football
teacher based team
brunch
grade cards are due
birthday parties
PAR person observing my classroom for evaluation
I. am. thin.
My old job I use to show up 5 minutes before I had to be with the kids, now I show up an hour and fifteen minutes before. My old job I use to leave the minute I was off. Now I stay 3 hours later.
But I don't have much to show for that time.
I still have so much to do.
I spend my days looking forward to seeing my friends and Tempestt when I leave but when I finally leave all I can think about is rest. sleep. tomorrow.
No one else feels like this, everyone around me wants to go. Stay out, keep drinking, what's wrong with you? Constantly getting called boring because I'm tired, constantly getting called old because I'm yawning with a bedtime of 10pm. Trying to force my body to do everything I want to do in a day but failing.
I end up being frustrated and angry at my limitations and I get looks from the group like I'm not having fun because I'm tired. Then I make people end their nights earlier than they want because I can't go anymore. Friday I woke up excited to finally see Tempestt after four nights of not seeing her. I had 100% energy to see her, hold her, kiss her at the end of the night. After work I was feeling more like 50% I still want to at least kiss for a bit...by the end of the evening out I wasn't sure if I'd have enough energy to take my contacts out...I was contemplating resting my head and eyes for a bit at the bar...
that's frustrating.
People I care about aren't getting the time and attention I believe they deserve from me. I want to give them.
I'm not even giving myself the self care I need.
I haven't shaved this week.
I use to read a book I was interested in at least a chapter a day if not more.
My classroom is even getting the short end of the stick I feel my lessons are unprepared and disorganized. I feel like I need to make more visual cues but where the fuck is the time?
The curriculum moves so fast if I spend 2 hours making a perfect lesson with visual prompts on Reading then I still need to do the same for math, language arts, science, and social studies. Then Friday comes around and I need to scrap that move on to the next topics creating all new resources for the 5 subjects all over again.
During instruction I have students who can count to 100 and I have some that can't count to 4. I have students who can read a level 3 book and some who are pre level A. All the while attempting to keep every student engaged and tracking progress, recording data, and attempting to keep the screaming angry crying child in the back of the room away from the rest of the students so no one gets hurt.
scarfing down a .30 bowl of ramen during my 5 minute lunch and trying to drink water as I feel light headed from yelling to keep control of the room.
Exhausted.
And poor Tempestt the one I want to feel the most cared for and the most attention towards ends up feeling hurt and confused as my daily wick is burned to smoke by the time I get time for her and we both part ways feeling our needs aren't met.
But I don't want to be a half ass teacher. It's not why I spent that year and a half in my attic room studying and writing papers until 10 each night. It's not why I broke up with Kelly to focus more on earning that 4.0 I didn't sign with Columbus City Schools so that they could have another burned out exhausted teacher who speaks poorly of their class and lowers expectations. It's not why I wanted to be a teacher and it isn't what I will be to these future generations. I will give them the knowledge they need to succeed in future grade levels. I will give them a perception of school that is fun and challenging. I will lay a solid foundation for a life long career of learning not just k-12 or college but beyond that.
And I don't want to be a lump on a couch after work. I refuse to write my story that way. I don't know how to solve these issues. I don't know how to balance it all but I want it all and I will have it all. I want a life well lived and I will have that life. It will be filled with successful students, friends who know how much they mean to me, and my own needs and wants for my life to be met.
I held the better cards
But every stroke of luck has got to bleed through
It's got to bleed through
You held the balance of the time
That only blindly I could read you
But I could read you
It's like you told me
Go forward slowly
It's not a race to the end
I saw the part of you
That only when you're older you will see too
You will see too
Flora Cash - You're Somebody Else
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
Monday: Leave my place at 7:25am didn't step over the threshold until 10:00pm
Tuesday: Leave at 6:30 get home at 7:00pm spend some time with Travis venting about children disrespecting us and how powerless we are in our own careers, find out my debit card number was stolen, call and sort that out.
Wednesday: Leave at 7:25 and get home around 7:00pm again prepare and eat dinner work on my budget for the month of October tweet to my friends I haven't seen in over a week about pizza
Thursday: Leave at 7:25 drive up to Westerville after work around 7:00 find out my friend is going to be a dad in March, which means they have been pregnant for around 4 months and I had no idea. Catch up and drive back down past downtown get to sleep around 11:30
Friday: Leave at 6:30 step through my front door around 6:00pm Uber on it's way to pick me up around 6:10 out drinking
...exhusted
worn thin
running on fumes
I am tired
But I don't know what to do. I don't want to cut anything out of my schedule. I refuse to be the person who comes home watches TV and repeats.
That will not be my story and my life.
But it feels like my plate is too full
gym
teaching
friends
planning
Tempestt
message parents
her friends
document behaviors
groceries
collect student data
debt
student learning objectives
football
teacher based team
brunch
grade cards are due
birthday parties
PAR person observing my classroom for evaluation
I. am. thin.
My old job I use to show up 5 minutes before I had to be with the kids, now I show up an hour and fifteen minutes before. My old job I use to leave the minute I was off. Now I stay 3 hours later.
But I don't have much to show for that time.
I still have so much to do.
I spend my days looking forward to seeing my friends and Tempestt when I leave but when I finally leave all I can think about is rest. sleep. tomorrow.
No one else feels like this, everyone around me wants to go. Stay out, keep drinking, what's wrong with you? Constantly getting called boring because I'm tired, constantly getting called old because I'm yawning with a bedtime of 10pm. Trying to force my body to do everything I want to do in a day but failing.
I end up being frustrated and angry at my limitations and I get looks from the group like I'm not having fun because I'm tired. Then I make people end their nights earlier than they want because I can't go anymore. Friday I woke up excited to finally see Tempestt after four nights of not seeing her. I had 100% energy to see her, hold her, kiss her at the end of the night. After work I was feeling more like 50% I still want to at least kiss for a bit...by the end of the evening out I wasn't sure if I'd have enough energy to take my contacts out...I was contemplating resting my head and eyes for a bit at the bar...
that's frustrating.
People I care about aren't getting the time and attention I believe they deserve from me. I want to give them.
I'm not even giving myself the self care I need.
I haven't shaved this week.
I use to read a book I was interested in at least a chapter a day if not more.
My classroom is even getting the short end of the stick I feel my lessons are unprepared and disorganized. I feel like I need to make more visual cues but where the fuck is the time?
The curriculum moves so fast if I spend 2 hours making a perfect lesson with visual prompts on Reading then I still need to do the same for math, language arts, science, and social studies. Then Friday comes around and I need to scrap that move on to the next topics creating all new resources for the 5 subjects all over again.
During instruction I have students who can count to 100 and I have some that can't count to 4. I have students who can read a level 3 book and some who are pre level A. All the while attempting to keep every student engaged and tracking progress, recording data, and attempting to keep the screaming angry crying child in the back of the room away from the rest of the students so no one gets hurt.
scarfing down a .30 bowl of ramen during my 5 minute lunch and trying to drink water as I feel light headed from yelling to keep control of the room.
Exhausted.
And poor Tempestt the one I want to feel the most cared for and the most attention towards ends up feeling hurt and confused as my daily wick is burned to smoke by the time I get time for her and we both part ways feeling our needs aren't met.
But I don't want to be a half ass teacher. It's not why I spent that year and a half in my attic room studying and writing papers until 10 each night. It's not why I broke up with Kelly to focus more on earning that 4.0 I didn't sign with Columbus City Schools so that they could have another burned out exhausted teacher who speaks poorly of their class and lowers expectations. It's not why I wanted to be a teacher and it isn't what I will be to these future generations. I will give them the knowledge they need to succeed in future grade levels. I will give them a perception of school that is fun and challenging. I will lay a solid foundation for a life long career of learning not just k-12 or college but beyond that.
And I don't want to be a lump on a couch after work. I refuse to write my story that way. I don't know how to solve these issues. I don't know how to balance it all but I want it all and I will have it all. I want a life well lived and I will have that life. It will be filled with successful students, friends who know how much they mean to me, and my own needs and wants for my life to be met.
I held the better cards
But every stroke of luck has got to bleed through
It's got to bleed through
You held the balance of the time
That only blindly I could read you
But I could read you
It's like you told me
Go forward slowly
It's not a race to the end
I saw the part of you
That only when you're older you will see too
You will see too
Flora Cash - You're Somebody Else