Week 15 of teaching completed
My birthday weekend thanks to Tem
I can't beleive Tem surprised me by flying Brian across the country for the weekend. She did everything for my weekend. She got all my friends together, she went to the Chinese lights with Alicia, she watched football at pins she got me those balloons and dealt with me all weekend. What an incredible woman.
She's in Dallas right now with her friend. We had a weird week
and when I say we I of course me it was all on my end.
Fucking 29 year old Adam told me not to fuck this up and I'm not even a week into my 30's and I'm already fucking it up.
She's just getting scary close. She's in my life, she knows my friends, she knows my likes, she knows (some) of my insecurities, she's gaining more and more power. She means more and more to me and I don't like that...I don't like when people can hurt me.
I'm afraid she'll see too much, know to much, learn who the real outdoor, hiking, camping, gardening, teaching, manbun man really is and she'll lose interest... I struggle to trust her when she says she likes me, when she says she enjoys being with me this isn't her fault...This is a me problem...It's the same one that has destroyed all my relationships.
Now my trust issues are hurting her, because I don't trust that she really likes me I'm pulling back, prepping for the end which is hurting her, which will actually lead to the end, only continuing to fulfill my trust issues...
I'm not doing this with her, to her, I like her so much she is everything I could want in a life partner. She seems trust worthy...she's never given me a reason not to trust her.
It kills me to be a reason for sleeplessness in her life. I don't want to be a burden. I want to be an oasis, a retreat, not a reason to retreat. I feel selfish for the way I acted this week.
I can do this.
I don't want to be alone.
I don't want my parents' marriage.
I am capable of trusting someone.
I am capable of letting them in.
I want Tem.
Don't fuck this up Adam.
My parents have always slept in different rooms, I don't ever want to be in the same bed without touching even under the same roof... Adam, you're 30...your life is flying by you...today could be your last day...why the fuck would you not hold her...why would you not kiss every inch of her face celebrating not only her existence but what an incredible human she is. She needs to know how special she is, she needs to know how rare she is, she needs to know if given the choice, we'd always, always, choose her. We need to express to her outwardly the value she holds inwardly.
I have this fear, this fear of looking back and wondering why I didn't do more. Don't let a cold 8 minute walk keep you from her, be thankful it's only 8, be thankful you have the luxury of that walk, the health for that walk. Don't let insecurities, trust issues, and yourself get in the way of not just your happiness but hers. Put your phone down and look at her beautiful eyes, that smile, and that perfect skin. Make her laugh more, listen better. We only get one life and I want to spend it with someone as fun, pretty, smart, motivated, interesting, poetic, gentle, funny, royal, and beautiful as Tem is. You've wasted your childhood and 20's being afraid and selfish I won't let you waste your 30's...who tf knows if I'll even get every day of them like I did my 20's.
She's been gone since Friday morning and when you see her tomorrow evening she better feel, not just hear but feel how much you missed her this weekend.
Black Mothers Keep Dying After Giving Birth. Shalon Irving's Story Explains Why
black mothers in the U.S. die at three to four times the rate of white mothers
a black woman is 22 percent more likely to die from heart disease than a white woman, 71 percent more likely to perish from cervical cancer, but 243 percent more likely to die from pregnancy- or childbirth-related causes.
black, college-educated mothers who gave birth in local hospitals were more likely to suffer severe complications of pregnancy or childbirth than white women who never graduated from high school.
33 percent of black women said that they personally had been discriminated against because of their race when going to a doctor or health clinic, and 21 percent said they have avoided going to a doctor or seeking health care out of concern they would be racially discriminated against.
"It's the experience of having to work harder than anybody else just to get equal pay and equal respect. It's being followed around when you're shopping at a nice store, or being stopped by the police when you're driving in a nice neighborhood."
research even suggests it accelerates aging at the molecular level; in a 2010 study Geronimus and colleagues conducted, the telomeres (chromosomal markers of aging) of black women in their 40s and 50s appeared 7 1/2 years older on average than those of whites.
Black women are 49 percent more likely than whites to deliver prematurely (and, closely related, black infants are twice as likely as white babies to die before their first birthday). Here again, income and education aren't protective.
"As women get older, birth outcomes get worse," Lu said. "If that happens in the 40s for white women, it actually starts to happen for African-American women in their 30s."
Lil Yachty - Like A Star
My birthday weekend thanks to Tem
I can't beleive Tem surprised me by flying Brian across the country for the weekend. She did everything for my weekend. She got all my friends together, she went to the Chinese lights with Alicia, she watched football at pins she got me those balloons and dealt with me all weekend. What an incredible woman.
She's in Dallas right now with her friend. We had a weird week
and when I say we I of course me it was all on my end.
Fucking 29 year old Adam told me not to fuck this up and I'm not even a week into my 30's and I'm already fucking it up.
She's just getting scary close. She's in my life, she knows my friends, she knows my likes, she knows (some) of my insecurities, she's gaining more and more power. She means more and more to me and I don't like that...I don't like when people can hurt me.
I'm afraid she'll see too much, know to much, learn who the real outdoor, hiking, camping, gardening, teaching, manbun man really is and she'll lose interest... I struggle to trust her when she says she likes me, when she says she enjoys being with me this isn't her fault...This is a me problem...It's the same one that has destroyed all my relationships.
Now my trust issues are hurting her, because I don't trust that she really likes me I'm pulling back, prepping for the end which is hurting her, which will actually lead to the end, only continuing to fulfill my trust issues...
I'm not doing this with her, to her, I like her so much she is everything I could want in a life partner. She seems trust worthy...she's never given me a reason not to trust her.
It kills me to be a reason for sleeplessness in her life. I don't want to be a burden. I want to be an oasis, a retreat, not a reason to retreat. I feel selfish for the way I acted this week.
I can do this.
I don't want to be alone.
I don't want my parents' marriage.
I am capable of trusting someone.
I am capable of letting them in.
I want Tem.
Don't fuck this up Adam.
My parents have always slept in different rooms, I don't ever want to be in the same bed without touching even under the same roof... Adam, you're 30...your life is flying by you...today could be your last day...why the fuck would you not hold her...why would you not kiss every inch of her face celebrating not only her existence but what an incredible human she is. She needs to know how special she is, she needs to know how rare she is, she needs to know if given the choice, we'd always, always, choose her. We need to express to her outwardly the value she holds inwardly.
I have this fear, this fear of looking back and wondering why I didn't do more. Don't let a cold 8 minute walk keep you from her, be thankful it's only 8, be thankful you have the luxury of that walk, the health for that walk. Don't let insecurities, trust issues, and yourself get in the way of not just your happiness but hers. Put your phone down and look at her beautiful eyes, that smile, and that perfect skin. Make her laugh more, listen better. We only get one life and I want to spend it with someone as fun, pretty, smart, motivated, interesting, poetic, gentle, funny, royal, and beautiful as Tem is. You've wasted your childhood and 20's being afraid and selfish I won't let you waste your 30's...who tf knows if I'll even get every day of them like I did my 20's.
She's been gone since Friday morning and when you see her tomorrow evening she better feel, not just hear but feel how much you missed her this weekend.
Black Mothers Keep Dying After Giving Birth. Shalon Irving's Story Explains Why
black mothers in the U.S. die at three to four times the rate of white mothers
a black woman is 22 percent more likely to die from heart disease than a white woman, 71 percent more likely to perish from cervical cancer, but 243 percent more likely to die from pregnancy- or childbirth-related causes.
black, college-educated mothers who gave birth in local hospitals were more likely to suffer severe complications of pregnancy or childbirth than white women who never graduated from high school.
33 percent of black women said that they personally had been discriminated against because of their race when going to a doctor or health clinic, and 21 percent said they have avoided going to a doctor or seeking health care out of concern they would be racially discriminated against.
"It's the experience of having to work harder than anybody else just to get equal pay and equal respect. It's being followed around when you're shopping at a nice store, or being stopped by the police when you're driving in a nice neighborhood."
research even suggests it accelerates aging at the molecular level; in a 2010 study Geronimus and colleagues conducted, the telomeres (chromosomal markers of aging) of black women in their 40s and 50s appeared 7 1/2 years older on average than those of whites.
Black women are 49 percent more likely than whites to deliver prematurely (and, closely related, black infants are twice as likely as white babies to die before their first birthday). Here again, income and education aren't protective.
"As women get older, birth outcomes get worse," Lu said. "If that happens in the 40s for white women, it actually starts to happen for African-American women in their 30s."
Lil Yachty - Like A Star