Not long after I wrote last week's letter Tem and I broke up.
This is the second time since the new year. And It nearly happened in December.
I don't never know what to say. I don't know how to express myself.
I'm sad.
It doesn't exactly express the full extent of my feelings but it's certainly a start.
I love Tem.
She has been the most amazing woman I have ever dated.
It was perfect with her.
We spent our time laughing and having fun.
I use to brag to everyone how we never fought. She and I would talk endlessly about how couples we know aren't happy, or about how people get stuck in marriages they don't want.
All the while we were living in our perfect relationship, thinking we were different, that we were special.
But as time went on needs were not being met which led to tension with turned to fights which turned to hurt which turned to grudges which turned into a very silent tense relationship.
I know the wound is still very much fresh but it's hard for me to imagine doing this again.
If I didn't have a phobia of growing old alone, I'd give it all up dedicate my life to education and adventures.
But a part of me, a deep part of me wants to share my life with someone, someone I love and they love me.
And for a while there, I had that.
But again I lost it and again I'm writing a letter about a break up.
I'm tired of it. The thought of dating again makes me sick. The thought of downloading a damn app and fucking strangers sounds miserable.
I'm 31 and I want to build a life with Tem
But we weren't working. She hadn't been happy or satisfied with me since maybe August of 2018.
How the fuck do people do this shit? How do they keep their person happy? How do they talk about their day again and again? How do they find things to talk about? How do they keep the flame?
Is it real? Or does everyone master the art of settling?
All I know is I miss her. I miss her and I miss everything that comes with her. Her family, her friends, her cat. I miss her, all of her.
But I don't feel regret, I know I've expressed my thoughts on closure in letters past, but it's more than that. We tried everything and we failed.
I'm not sure how, we seemed so perfect. But we failed.
I don't want anyone else. But like I've written so many times before She loved the man I was with my thoughts and my writings. I loved the woman she was with her songs and her poems. But those two people began to lose themselves becoming something singular. In order to fight for something different than those other relationships, those settlers those miserable ones, we tried to create something new something rare something with a sort of balance, together otherness and singularity.
But it didn't work. She felt neglected, she felt distance, and I felt I wasn't the best man I could be to offer her the Adamest Adam which she deserved.
Maybe a healthy sex life would have solved all of our problems. If I dicked her down appropriately and often she wouldn't have cared if I spent a few hours a week away reading and writing in solitude.
Maybe it was Seasonal affective disorder taking its yearly toll on me stuck on a couch buried under blankets uninterested in doing any thing but wait for warmth.
A part of my mind certainly wonders if we held out for another month would the colors of spring had fixed us up. But those sorts of rabbit holes do the mind no benefit.
The fact of the matter is this: At that brunch at Hubbard Grille the woman I had attempted to love was miserable with plans of going back to her condo alone. I had felt unheard and disrespected being pulled away from the few little self care tasks I enjoy in a Saturday morning routine. All of this coming after an evening filled with another miserable fight, this time about her desire to facetime her ex husband. And that coming after she had been away on a business trip for three nights. And to make it worse the brunch was a precursor to her leaving for another week of work outside the state.
Spending my work weeks being slapped, kicked, and called a bitch, loaded weapons brought to school by 6 year olds trying to make it to Saturday to recharge my introverted batteries with a book and some inter thoughts only to be told how neglectful I am as a boyfriend, something was going to give. She isn't around during the week to express my feelings towards her appropriately through her love language of quality time and touch. And I wasn't able to create an 8th day to fit that meditative morning routine.
We failed, she needs a man who can provide her with that attention while she is home and away. I need space and time alone. Is it even possible for me to have a long term monogamous relationship? Am I being selfish attempting to keep the Adam alive? Is the only way to a relationship letting your otherness die letting the two become one? Is Esther Perel full of shit?
I don't know
But I do know I am sad and exhausted.
Sam Smith, Normani - Dancing With A Stranger
This is the second time since the new year. And It nearly happened in December.
I don't never know what to say. I don't know how to express myself.
I'm sad.
It doesn't exactly express the full extent of my feelings but it's certainly a start.
I love Tem.
She has been the most amazing woman I have ever dated.
It was perfect with her.
We spent our time laughing and having fun.
I use to brag to everyone how we never fought. She and I would talk endlessly about how couples we know aren't happy, or about how people get stuck in marriages they don't want.
All the while we were living in our perfect relationship, thinking we were different, that we were special.
But as time went on needs were not being met which led to tension with turned to fights which turned to hurt which turned to grudges which turned into a very silent tense relationship.
I know the wound is still very much fresh but it's hard for me to imagine doing this again.
If I didn't have a phobia of growing old alone, I'd give it all up dedicate my life to education and adventures.
But a part of me, a deep part of me wants to share my life with someone, someone I love and they love me.
And for a while there, I had that.
But again I lost it and again I'm writing a letter about a break up.
I'm tired of it. The thought of dating again makes me sick. The thought of downloading a damn app and fucking strangers sounds miserable.
I'm 31 and I want to build a life with Tem
But we weren't working. She hadn't been happy or satisfied with me since maybe August of 2018.
How the fuck do people do this shit? How do they keep their person happy? How do they talk about their day again and again? How do they find things to talk about? How do they keep the flame?
Is it real? Or does everyone master the art of settling?
All I know is I miss her. I miss her and I miss everything that comes with her. Her family, her friends, her cat. I miss her, all of her.
But I don't feel regret, I know I've expressed my thoughts on closure in letters past, but it's more than that. We tried everything and we failed.
I'm not sure how, we seemed so perfect. But we failed.
I don't want anyone else. But like I've written so many times before She loved the man I was with my thoughts and my writings. I loved the woman she was with her songs and her poems. But those two people began to lose themselves becoming something singular. In order to fight for something different than those other relationships, those settlers those miserable ones, we tried to create something new something rare something with a sort of balance, together otherness and singularity.
But it didn't work. She felt neglected, she felt distance, and I felt I wasn't the best man I could be to offer her the Adamest Adam which she deserved.
Maybe a healthy sex life would have solved all of our problems. If I dicked her down appropriately and often she wouldn't have cared if I spent a few hours a week away reading and writing in solitude.
Maybe it was Seasonal affective disorder taking its yearly toll on me stuck on a couch buried under blankets uninterested in doing any thing but wait for warmth.
A part of my mind certainly wonders if we held out for another month would the colors of spring had fixed us up. But those sorts of rabbit holes do the mind no benefit.
The fact of the matter is this: At that brunch at Hubbard Grille the woman I had attempted to love was miserable with plans of going back to her condo alone. I had felt unheard and disrespected being pulled away from the few little self care tasks I enjoy in a Saturday morning routine. All of this coming after an evening filled with another miserable fight, this time about her desire to facetime her ex husband. And that coming after she had been away on a business trip for three nights. And to make it worse the brunch was a precursor to her leaving for another week of work outside the state.
Spending my work weeks being slapped, kicked, and called a bitch, loaded weapons brought to school by 6 year olds trying to make it to Saturday to recharge my introverted batteries with a book and some inter thoughts only to be told how neglectful I am as a boyfriend, something was going to give. She isn't around during the week to express my feelings towards her appropriately through her love language of quality time and touch. And I wasn't able to create an 8th day to fit that meditative morning routine.
We failed, she needs a man who can provide her with that attention while she is home and away. I need space and time alone. Is it even possible for me to have a long term monogamous relationship? Am I being selfish attempting to keep the Adam alive? Is the only way to a relationship letting your otherness die letting the two become one? Is Esther Perel full of shit?
I don't know
But I do know I am sad and exhausted.
Sam Smith, Normani - Dancing With A Stranger