12/30/15

My goal of posting every Sunday I'm only three days late.
I've had a lot of thoughts in that time and I'm not sure if I remember all of them.
Writing this letters, it's always hard to find the balance between living my life and reflecting on it.

I woke up Christmas Eve morning in the room I grew up waking up in Wauseon. My parents asked me to go through my stuff in the basement and decide what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to throw away. I walked down in to the basement and the area I had created and made my own space since Christmas of 2004 was completely taken over by Carter Lumber stuff. My dad had moved his office from the store to the basement.

I sorted through my stuff throwing away 99% of it keeping all my high school memories, ninja turtle toys, and old video game stuff. The perfect mix of nostalgia and hopeful memorabilia. At first I was kinda sad my dad had destroyed my fortress of solitude. I had taken a place in the house no one wanted and I made it my favorite. But now it was all gone.

But I had never seen my dad like this before. My memories of my dad growing up consisted of him waking up and leaving for work at an hour I didn't know existed in the morning, getting home around 6:15 for dinner then settling in to his couch for the evening to either watch whatever sporting event was on or some network sitcom. My dad rarely went on family vacations and his hobbies, from my perspective, were mowing the lawn and drinking at the V.F.W. once a week.

But this was a different man. He not only spent Christmas eve in that basement but he spent the entire time I was home down there. Organizing, setting up, remembering. It was actually really great to see. It was passion in my dad. I saw interest. He never cared what style of couch he sat on, nor the size of the TV he looked at. But this was different. My mom bought him a scrap book for Christmas, it's what he asked for...
...what he asked for?
My dad NEVER asked for anything for Christmas, never asked for anything ever... out of the 28 years I've been alive and the 26 Christmases I've spent watching my dad open presents in the morning I've only ever seen socks, sweat shirts, underwear, and pajama pants now he's excited to go through all his photos and put them in a scrap book? Who is this man?

I loved it. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. My dad's identity since he was a teenager was working at that lumber yard. It's who he was. Now it was taken from him. I wonder what that felt like? I wonder what he thought...

I wanted to sit down there and watch the man go through all of his memories. I wanted to watch his face as he finally reached the end of his career. That's my dad. The man who's blood runs in my veins, I lived with the man, I worked with him, and yet it's like he has this whole life I never knew about. Honestly I'm afraid to ask about. My family has such a surface depth to it. What would happen if I attempted to break the ice and dive deeper?

For instance the day after Christmas my mom made me drive to Toledo to fix the airbag in my car because of a recall. Of course my dad wanted to stay home so it was my mother, my brother and me driving around Toledo while we waited for my car to be fixed. My mom rode with me to drop off the car while my brother followed to drive us around while we waited. My mom asked a bit about school, she asked about me being single, she told me she ran into Whitney's mom somewhere and they talked about how her whole marriage went down. I told my mom that's one of the reasons why I may not get married.

Later Tyler joins us in the car and conversation. He starts talking like marriage is very simple, very easy, you just have to pick the right person...I almost bit my tongue off as I struggled not to break the ice of our surface family. What if I said something like I wouldn't want a marriage that looks anything like yours? What would he say if I opened up, or if I asked him questions about his marriage? Just thinking about asking these type of questions to my family makes me cringe. Imagine asking my mom why she never had a desire to sleep next to the man she married and has loved since 1982?

This is also why I shied away from bringing up Thanksgiving, Brian, Planned Parenthood, and marriage equality.

On Christmas day we made a visit to my dad's mom, grandma. These visits are never easy for me. Seeing a person at the last act of their life. Her days consist of trips from her nursing home to the hospital and back. It makes me very nervous. In a blink, if I'm lucky, that will be me.

My brother married without kids
My mom established in her career
My dad retired and wondering what's next
My grandma widowed in a nursing home

and me, turning 28 and looking at these family members each in a stage of life that I will one day be in. Nothing I can do to stop it. Time moves forward, always. Blink and I will be married, Blink and I will be 30 years deep in a career, blink and I will be retired, blink and I will be battling my body to exist.
...Then...stop blinking.

This Christmas my parents really surprised me by helping me pay for some of my transmission fix. This whole time I was stranded in Columbus for Thanksgiving because of it and it really hurt me financially. I lamented the entire time to my mom about the situation. I didn't ask for help and I didn't expect any. Then out of nowhere I opened the gift. I almost cried. I've never felt that emotional over a gift my parents have given me. Usually it's cash or pure childhood excitement over the 1996 Nintendo 64. I was and still am deeply moved by it. I had to hold back my tears and I couldn't make eye contact to thank them.

I've always hated money. I've always wished I didn't have any and don't want any. But despite how much I hate it, it is a fact of life. Living paycheck to paycheck can create so much stress and anxiety. It can change a man. Create a scarcity mentality that can do some damage mentally. I'm not trying to act like I even know what it's like to be in poverty but receiving that financial help moved me. A part of me hated how much I was relieved. I shouldn't be this happy about filthy money...but at the same time a part of me embraced the emotions my body was experiencing. It was interesting. I want to have that sort of security, or that sort of burden relief for my children one day. Now I know what that feels like and I want them to share this experience.

Lastly, on this insanely long letter about my holiday weekend at home, I got a fitbit for Christmas. It can read my heart rate. Now that I am constantly aware of my heart I'm kind of freaking out. It beats so many times per minute, all the time...what if it stopped? What if it failed? I'm gone... I want to get my BPM down to 60. I think that will be my resolution for the new year. This muscle beating inside of me sustaining my existence, why have I never thought about it before? I need to work it out, I need to treat it right. I am 28... the years won't be getting any easier from here on out.
We are dust.

Wake Owl - Wild Country

12/20/15

On This Sunday last year I was in Oklahoma eating breakfast around OKC.
On This Sunday two years ago I was in Nebraska drinking coffee in Omaha.
This year I am staying in Ohio. I haven't spent Christmas morning with my family since 2012.

After all of this drama went down about Thanksgiving my Mother showed her hand a little to me and expressed how rough holidays have been since Tyler and I moved out. She misses her own family, her parents, her siblings.

I've been thinking about that recently. I wonder what it's like to watch your children grow and leave the nest. 18 Christmases routinely the same and then...different.

Mom also told me my dad's lumberyard was closed this fall. That store had been my father's life as long as I'd known him. I wonder what my dad is feeling watching the trucks haul away the place he's spent most of his life.

And there they are, my parents
one of them wishes she was in Missouri with her family
the other lost his store, the place he spent all his time
Their children are 3 hours away in the Capitol city
One is married and splits time between family Christmases
The other travels around the country alone sleeping in his car

Is this what I have to look forward to?
Marrying someone, raising our children together, slowly growing apart and watching our children leave to rarely visit?

Then I think of my grandma, my dad's mom, she's in the retirement home. She has her own room with a TV. I don't know how often she gets visitors or family sees her. I don't know if she likes or knows the people in the place with her. I wonder what it's like to have children and your children to have children with your spouse dead and you're tired, old, in front of a TV.

Then I take a look at my life.
I'm at the edge of my 20's
I think about the next steps of my life.
I think about my 30's 40's 50's 60's 70's and 80's
My parents' lives
my grandparents' lives
is this my future? Can I do anything to change it? Maybe I should have more children in hopes that one of them will stick around.

I think all of these has really made me realize the value in my squad. If I'm going to end up in a retirement home I want to be with them. If I'm going to end up deserted by my children I want to spend the holidays with them. It also puts a hell of a lot more pressure on finding the right wife. That's a lot of hours spent together. A LOT. Years and Years and Years together. How do we not get sick of each other? What is love? Does that strong of love even exist? I don't know how many married couples I know that have the kind of marriage I'd like to have for myself. Obviously there is always Sarah and Doug Dicken. The marriage of hope. How did they do it? How do I find that?

Shovels & Rope - Lay Low

12/17/15

I'm finally getting over strep throat. This has been an awful week.
While I was laid up I watched the finale of Sopranos.
I can't stop thinking about it.
I love it, I think it's the perfect ending...
and I hate it, It plays upon my deepest fears I'm struggling with now.

I wonder if that's what it's like to die. For Tony to be shot like that sitting with his family waiting for his daughter. Black, silent.
nothing.

It makes me so uncomfortable. It makes me feel really alone. I have a difficult time getting the words out of my head and into words. I don't know.
How does his family react?
How do the strangers react?
What does his funeral look like?
Does Meadow become a lawyer?
Does A.J. stick with his new job?
Is Carmela taken care of?
We don't get to know these things, we will never get to know these things because Tony is dead.
Once death happens that's it. That's the end.
It's either the answer to every question or the end of them.

Either we are the present times current form of matter, or more.

turning 28 has been different than other birthdays. I think I'm really feeling this one. My mind has shifted. When I would see guys in public or where ever, TV, whatever my whole life I've assumed I was younger than them. If I'm around people in a bar or a party I'm on the younger side. I don't think like that anymore. Now I assume I'm on the older side of things. I assume at parties or bars I'm one of the older people here. I don't get carded when I go out anymore. I'm a year and 11 months away from no longer saying I'm a 20 something. I've been a 20 something for so long and now that is coming to an end. What's next?

What will my face look like? What will my body look like? Laying on the couch for a week while my throat healed made me think a lot about this stuff. I was sapped of energy I didn't feel like myself. Is that how older people feel? I watch the energy of the preschoolers and I wonder if that is how people 20 years older than me view me.

Yesterday I called my Grandpa. my mom's dad to thank him for the Christmas and birthday cards. I told him I'd just turned 28. He said he doesn't even remember 28 with a laugh. I think he will be 82 in July. 82, to live so long you can't remember 28 and here I am at 28 and I feel like something is ending. What would my grandpa do if he were 28 again? What would he have to say to me about doing it differently? 82, I can't imagine that age at this point. I have a hard time swallowing 30.

Sometimes I wish my brain was more like other people's. How do they not think about this stuff? Why can't I just live?

Dustin Kensrue - It's Not Enough

12/08/15

Earth has been many different planets in its long history a water world before large-scale continents had formed; a "snowball" phase with extreme glaciation; and a world shrouded in smoke after a large asteroid impact. Today; one day losing its oceans as the sun becomes hotter; and a final scorched Earth.

I can find no peace in this reality. If there is nothing after death I can't even rest in the idea that I am part of the scaffolding leading this Earth to a greater future. Even in the future the Earth will end. Everything has an end. The question remains, what happens after the end?

Today I learned that the other male teacher at the early childhood center was fired. I can't describe how pissed I am about this. I'm meeting with HR to talk about it. I guess that's why I'm writing on here. I'm emotional and I need a place to release.

If God is real where is the justice? We work in a church for God's sake! Where are you? What did you do with all of his prayers and the prayers of the other members of the center? You opened and read them like boring birthday cards and threw them away? He loved his job and the children loved him. They still accidentally call me his name. Where is the God of justice? Where are the representatives of Christ in the church showing redemption and love?

Cowards. Spineless selfish cowards. Protecting and minimizing risk. What a joke. What would Jesus say about this? If You are there, if You hear me...what do you have to say?

It's all part of the plan?
Of course everything is part of 'the plan' but what is the ultimate goal of this eternal plan? I'm so angry and confused. Why him and not me? What is the difference? If anything he's a more qualified teacher. He went to school for it. He's the lead. I'm only an assistant.

I'm guessing you have another door for him huh? Something bigger and better? Always bigger and better, always brighter, more hope. And as another year of my life comes to a close I'm beginning to wonder when the scale tips the other way. One day my life will be more done than undone. Where will be the Big bright plan for tomorrow then? What will I have to look forward to? My job, retired, my family, raised, my wife, dead. What will be left to do in life? Help make the world a better place? We are all just waiting for that time bomb of a sun to turn on us and roast this blue dot into a desert.

I write these letters to myself in the future. I do it every year on my birthday. This year something strange happened. I read the letter I wrote myself when I had just turned 27. It made me sad. I've changed so much. I read the way I use to think, the way I use to write. It was beautiful. Everything I said had so much depth and meaning. Everything seemed to have passion and purpose behind it. I look back and compare the letter I wrote a year ago vs the letter I wrote last week. They are written by two different people.

I want to hope, I want to have faith. But I can't find it.
I see this situation with my friend who was fired wrongfully and it makes me despair. It makes me angry. What would I have thought about it last year? How would I feel? Who am I becoming and who was I?

God where are You?
Father.
Creator.
Artist.
Romantic.
Where are You? Where is the fire down in my soul?
Do we even have souls?
I want us to have souls.

Future of Forestry - The Earth Stood Still

12/02/15

Dear 29 year old Adam,

I've just turned 28. This year began with the shaving of my #yearofthebeard14 and an Ohio State national championship. I went on a trip to Egypt. #nilestylewithkyle. Easter weekend Bea and I started dating again. I was accepted into Ashland's Bachelor plus teacher licensure program. We got the plot next to the Arawak garden thus doubling our land for this season. I spent Memorial Day weekend in Colorado with Bea and her mom. Brian was ordained in June and both Brian and Travis finished their masters degrees. Same sex marriage was legalized this year. We went to Folly Beach for 4th of July weekend. Bea and I broke up in early October. Sealscott got married at St. Pete Beach in Florida. This fall has been insane. All I do is work then come home and study for 3-4 hours a night. Brian moved to Cincinnati and Ellen moved to Cleveland. Lauren (Brian's ex) lived with us for the month of September then Claire moved in. Now it's Melissa, Travis, Claire, and I still at 407 Tibet Rd. Marijuana was on the ballot but didn't pass in Ohio. Probably will next year. My Cars transmission died so I spent Thanksgiving alone in Columbus.

Things I'm doing now:
I'm still working at the VECC at the church. I'm in school to get my license for teaching. I've been struggling a lot this year. If you couldn't tell by reading my thoughts this past year. I'm so confused. The older I get the more blurry truth seems to be. I'm not sure if this is just a season and on the other side of it I will become more tempered or if it only gets more confusing as life goes. I guess we will see won't we? Man I've been thinking a lot about death and the very finite amount of time I have left in this life. Even as you are reading this now it means we are one year closer to the end. It's strange to think as I can just click one button and read the thoughts of the younger man I once was but that's as real as it gets. I can't go back none of us can. We move forward. It's all we can do whether we want to or not. One day I will read this and think back to when I was in school to be a teacher. One day will be my last day in my career. One day will be my last day as a student. The present is so fleeting. How strange and difficult to imagine my 60th birthday but one day it will be behind me and all of this will have seemed to be such a quick blur. Sorry I suppose I'm supposed to be talking about what I am doing now. I'm single. I'm not sure how I even feel about marriage at this point. So much uncertainty in it. Which is the more rewarding route to stay with someone until we die or to let them go and grow as they please? I guess the main things currently are work and school. I know what I want to be and I'm taking those steps that's been the focus. That and deepening my roots with my friends.

Things I hope you're doing:
I hope you passed that damn CORE test we have to take next year. I also hope you're about to start your student teaching in the spring preparing to graduate and find a job! I hope you still hang out with your friends as much as you are right now. I hope you gardened more next season. Do you still have the long hair? I'd assume you do because I'm really loving it right now. I wonder if you're still single. No pressure either way. I wonder if you've found any peace with this whole death issue. I wonder if you still stress and wonder about it before you sleep and when you run. I hope you're still practicing the guitar I did a terrible job with that this year but maybe you will do better. I hope you managed to travel some place new this year maybe not out of the country but a new place to hike or camp. Damn you're in your last year of your 20's now...I wonder what that's like? I've always talked up my 30's and how great they are going to be but since it's just us right now I can be real and say I have a huge fear of getting old. I've never been in my 30's before... Try to think about when you're 60 and how you will view your 30's I'm sure your perspective will be much more soft. I'm just glad I'm not turning 29 right now. But the time will come as always we move forward. I hope you bought two jars and some pebbles. One jar filled with a pebble for each month you've lived, the other jar with the pebble of how many months left until I'm 85. We need to put some perspective into this short single life.

Things I've learned since turning 27:
What the hell have I learned? I feel like I learned how much I don't know. I've learned that maybe everything I've known is wrong. What does that mean? I've learned the value of my friendships or as we are calling it now my squad. I've learned that finding someone isn't the most important thing in life. But I don't know what the most important thing is. I want you to remember all of those horrible fights with exgirlfriends. Remember that time you drove over to Bea's house and she was so pissed at you. You sat with her on her front steps. She wouldn't look at you, she wouldn't speak to you. She wouldn't let you put your hand on her back. What if your marriage got to that point? What if there was no fixing it? I've been watching the Sopranos I just watched the episode where Carmela finally had enough of Tony's neglect. That episode was really powerful to me. Imagine how he made his wife feel. How terrible her stomach must have hurt. Imagine being kicked out of your own house sleeping on the couch of a friends or in a hotel. Kicked out of your own home. Imagine how your children would handle it. Marriage and children are such huge releases of control. What would it be like to live with someone you have no control over? What would it be like if one day she was throwing all of my things in the driveway and telling me I couldn't be inside my own home with my own wife and my own kids. We only get one shot at this life. I never want to experience that in this one life. I'm going to work very hard to make sure I don't end up in a marriage like that. Adam listen to me, I don't care how much older you get before marriage, living alone would be infinitely better than hearing the woman you've committed your life to tell you she doesn't want you anymore. Remember that fight with Whitney when you were in college when you were at her house and she just walked into the woods behind her house? Ugh We've had some terrible fights and we've caused such pain to the women we've loved. It's kinda crazy to think about how much power we have, more than we probably know and how much power we give also. So many ugly fights, how ugly I am capable of becoming... Anyway as a working adult student who has finally found what I want to pursue as a career I guess what I have learned in everything is, don't rush it. Don't rush any part of life. Don't rush the career. Don't rush marriage. Don't rush buying a house. Don't rush children. Slow down and do it right the first time so you only have to do it once. Because let's face it Adam we only get to do it once. Don't rush but don't let it slip by. As Special Agent Dale Cooper says in Twin Peaks, "I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don’t plan it, don’t wait for it, just let it happen. It could be a new shirt at the men's store, a catnap in your office chair or two cups of good hot black coffee." I love you Adam, everything will be alright. I hope this letter finds you well.

1987 Born
1988 00
1989 01
1990 02
1991 03
1992 04
1993 05
1994 06 Started Grade School
1995 07
1996 08
1997 09
1998 10
1999 11
2000 12
2001 13
2002 14
2003 15
2004 16
2005 17
2006 18 Graduated High School
2007 19
2008 20
2009 21
2010 22 Graduated College
2011 23
2012 24
2013 25
2014 26
2015 27