No one is who they seem to be.
I'll even admit I am not who I seem to be.
I meet people they show me who they want me to see.
After enough time that façade falls apart. Or maybe I finally see what I hadn't at first.
I'm sure it is no different with me.
Why do we do this stuff? Why do we play these parts?
We wear these masks.
It makes me sick. Who are you really? I want to ask that when I shake a person's hand.
How are we expected to have relationships with other humans when we never really know who each other truly is?
Put on these acts to earn approval. To be liked. But it's all fake.
I just want something real.
Something I can trust.
Something I can KNOW.
Seems like an insane dream the more I'm on this blue dot.
Lately I'm getting tired of meeting people and then finding them out.
Find out what they really want, how they really are, it seems like such a waste.
Marriage seems more and more impossible with each year.
I know I talk about how much I love the squad but in all honesty it is such a real place.
Sometimes I think about where my lines are with them. Is there anything they could do that would make me never speak to them again? I think we have reached a place in our lives where we couldn't cut each other out. And I think that is really good. I think our lives are connected. It forces us to deal with each issue rather than cut and run.
It makes me think about marriage. Are we doing this wrong? It's so easy to cut and run. Would arraigned marriages be better? No Freedom is the only way to real love. But it does make me want to take the easy route. I long so much to be a father but a husband...it makes me cringe. I wouldn't want my children to grow up in a split relationship but I also don't see marriage happening for me. So How do I reach my dream of fatherhood while giving my children a healthy example of love without marriage?
I can't have it both ways. I'm going to have to get married to someone. When I do that I'll run the risk of them leaving me. Or not being who I thought. Or changing into someone else. I keep thinking about how this is my only life. I don't want to ever have the label divorced. But that label isn't always up to me.
I never want to be divorced but I have no way of guaranteeing myself it won't happen.
Then on top of all of this add the fact that there are windows in our lives that close every day.
Do I want to have high school children while I'm in my 60's? Do I want to have the chance at seeing my grandchildren graduate high school? If these are things I want in my life then I need to get moving on this children stuff. I'm not getting younger.
Thinking about the life of being married in my 20's and being young homeowners...that option is gone. It is impossible for me to live that life. That's such a strange thing to think about. Doors in life are closing everyday.
What sort of life am I building? Will I be proud of it when I look back or disappointed?
I want a family. I want a yard. I want to plant trees and watch them grow as we do. I want to share meals. I want to learn from my kids. I want to measure them in the doorway each year.
I want deep roots.
I walked past Bea's house last night. I stopped for a moment. Doors closing in life.
But no one is who they seem. So here I sit, thinking about death constantly.
The dirt in which our roots may grow.
Though the storms will push and pull,
We will call this place our home.
North - Sleeping At Last
I'll even admit I am not who I seem to be.
I meet people they show me who they want me to see.
After enough time that façade falls apart. Or maybe I finally see what I hadn't at first.
I'm sure it is no different with me.
Why do we do this stuff? Why do we play these parts?
We wear these masks.
It makes me sick. Who are you really? I want to ask that when I shake a person's hand.
How are we expected to have relationships with other humans when we never really know who each other truly is?
Put on these acts to earn approval. To be liked. But it's all fake.
I just want something real.
Something I can trust.
Something I can KNOW.
Seems like an insane dream the more I'm on this blue dot.
Lately I'm getting tired of meeting people and then finding them out.
Find out what they really want, how they really are, it seems like such a waste.
Marriage seems more and more impossible with each year.
I know I talk about how much I love the squad but in all honesty it is such a real place.
Sometimes I think about where my lines are with them. Is there anything they could do that would make me never speak to them again? I think we have reached a place in our lives where we couldn't cut each other out. And I think that is really good. I think our lives are connected. It forces us to deal with each issue rather than cut and run.
It makes me think about marriage. Are we doing this wrong? It's so easy to cut and run. Would arraigned marriages be better? No Freedom is the only way to real love. But it does make me want to take the easy route. I long so much to be a father but a husband...it makes me cringe. I wouldn't want my children to grow up in a split relationship but I also don't see marriage happening for me. So How do I reach my dream of fatherhood while giving my children a healthy example of love without marriage?
I can't have it both ways. I'm going to have to get married to someone. When I do that I'll run the risk of them leaving me. Or not being who I thought. Or changing into someone else. I keep thinking about how this is my only life. I don't want to ever have the label divorced. But that label isn't always up to me.
I never want to be divorced but I have no way of guaranteeing myself it won't happen.
Then on top of all of this add the fact that there are windows in our lives that close every day.
Do I want to have high school children while I'm in my 60's? Do I want to have the chance at seeing my grandchildren graduate high school? If these are things I want in my life then I need to get moving on this children stuff. I'm not getting younger.
Thinking about the life of being married in my 20's and being young homeowners...that option is gone. It is impossible for me to live that life. That's such a strange thing to think about. Doors in life are closing everyday.
What sort of life am I building? Will I be proud of it when I look back or disappointed?
I want a family. I want a yard. I want to plant trees and watch them grow as we do. I want to share meals. I want to learn from my kids. I want to measure them in the doorway each year.
I want deep roots.
I walked past Bea's house last night. I stopped for a moment. Doors closing in life.
But no one is who they seem. So here I sit, thinking about death constantly.
The dirt in which our roots may grow.
Though the storms will push and pull,
We will call this place our home.
North - Sleeping At Last