Ever since I met that woman the only way I've gotten over her is by getting back together. Despite my attempts to move on every time the more dates I go on the more I miss her.
I made a fucking choice and I'm sticking with it. I must.
My paper wall is crumbling now. Her last words hanging in my mind like a piano. I can't stop focusing on them.
No one connects with me like her.
No one has conversations like her.
That heart of hers, that beautiful fucking heart.
Do I have to keep looking at this list of reasons I ended it over and over?
But didn't she say she was acting out of fear and distrust?
She had just gotten out of that abusive Jordan thing, she was cautious.
I can say with certainly that our worst fight doesn't come close to what I feel away from her.
I have become so dumb.
chasing ghosts.
Driving to Donkey Coffee.
Walking past her house.
Checking to see if she opens my snapchat stories
Why would she show up to the pantry?
Why would she invite me to the flowers for the elderly event?
Giving someone this much power scares the shit out of me. Marriage is probably the scariest thing a human can do to their self. Give yourself to someone who you have no control over. We fought all the time. I don't want to be 20 years into a marriage and have her realize she's miserable. So I quit. I ran. I have loved her and only her since the moment I met her. There I fucking admit it. And it's the scariest thing I could admit but not matter how much I try to push, run, hide there it is. Five years and it's the same. What am I doing?
She said she would put in the work. She said she was sorry. She said she loved me. I fucking ran. I was never able to give her a reason as to why we broke up. I could only say I was in school. I didn't know why I was doing it either. All I knew was I had so much anxiety and I had to get out. So I quit.
I'm holding on to my faith in You by a thread. I think about death constantly. I had this woman I love that I keep disappointing. I have all this school work weighing on me. I have no money. What did I have to offer her? No security, no rock of faith, no safe place for her to come to and find rest. I am such a terrible mess. How could I admit this stuff to her? She'd ask me over and over if something was wrong and it weighed so heavy on me.
I wanted to express all of my fears. I wanted to hold her and let all of it out. But what would that show her? How weak and vulnerable I truly am? How afraid I am? What kind of a man would I be? She's always seen me as this person who is confident in his beliefs and choices what would she think if she found all this shit out? What would I have to offer her? She already has so many uncertainties in her life the last thing she needed was a man equally confused and afraid. So I ran.
I’ve been worried all my life,
A nervous wreck most of the time.
I’ve always been afraid of heights,
Of falling backwards, falling backwards.
I’ve been worried all my life.
There it is.
I never knew why until now. I didn't trust her anymore than she trusted me. And who knows she probably would have left me again anyway had I told her this shit. I'm not who I seem to be.
It's all coming together now. Now I understand why I've wanted to be a father but not a husband. Children may move away, they will grow up. But they can't divorce you. They can't get a new dad. But a wife can get a new husband. They can divorce. That's the difference. It's the reason I would get mean once we started dating. It's the reason I broke up with her in the fall. I'm so afraid of being rejected, being left. What if I'm too messy, what if I'm too boring, what if she wants someone else?
I was never able to give her a reason why we broke up because I didn't know why myself. Now I know. I'm afraid. I always have been. Shutting down, turning mean, pushing her away.
Standing alone in the tunnel.
Wind howling past my face.
The silent walk to the abandoned place.
There You were. I stood there and I begged You to be real.
God I need You to be real. Looking out on the frozen snow covered river I found You again.
I haven't heard You in so long. I've been so afraid God.
I am afraid.
I asked for You and You revealed my cowardice to me.
I don't know for certain if it was You or if my brain simply made a new connection to an old pathway. I probably never will know. That's the thing with faith.
But something happened in that forgotten place.
You and me.
I've been going to VC20 with Claire. I just need You to be real.
Did you show me this about myself or did I just realize it on my own?
I could have stood at the edge of that tunnel for a year.
No school
No money
No noise
No trust issues
Just You
Just this insanely beautiful planet You set me in.
That warm bright sun standing still as the planet rotates around creating evening.
Those bare trees reaching up towards its rays
The sound of moving water in melted parts of the river
That snow covering everything I can see, but by the collection of such small flakes.
Everything is so complex.
How many snowflakes cover the ground?
How many cells in my body.
How many trees outside of the tunnel?
There was a time when this tunnel never existed. There was a time when a train ran through here. And there will be a time when this tunnel falls. But here I am in my place in time. My tiny little speck of existence. Alone in an abandoned tunnel. It's so peaceful, beautiful. And feeling You there. I cannot with certainty say that I know I felt You but I won't deny I experienced something. That moment. It's all we as humans have are moments.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
-Robert Frost
I've always loved the idea of marriage but when it comes to putting my own heart on the line I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it. In Donald Miller's words "scary close." It doesn't matter how many times Bea and I got back together the result will always be the same,
I'll push her away.
I do miss her.
I made a fucking choice and I'm sticking with it. I must.
My paper wall is crumbling now. Her last words hanging in my mind like a piano. I can't stop focusing on them.
No one connects with me like her.
No one has conversations like her.
That heart of hers, that beautiful fucking heart.
Do I have to keep looking at this list of reasons I ended it over and over?
But didn't she say she was acting out of fear and distrust?
She had just gotten out of that abusive Jordan thing, she was cautious.
I can say with certainly that our worst fight doesn't come close to what I feel away from her.
I have become so dumb.
chasing ghosts.
Driving to Donkey Coffee.
Walking past her house.
Checking to see if she opens my snapchat stories
Why would she show up to the pantry?
Why would she invite me to the flowers for the elderly event?
Giving someone this much power scares the shit out of me. Marriage is probably the scariest thing a human can do to their self. Give yourself to someone who you have no control over. We fought all the time. I don't want to be 20 years into a marriage and have her realize she's miserable. So I quit. I ran. I have loved her and only her since the moment I met her. There I fucking admit it. And it's the scariest thing I could admit but not matter how much I try to push, run, hide there it is. Five years and it's the same. What am I doing?
She said she would put in the work. She said she was sorry. She said she loved me. I fucking ran. I was never able to give her a reason as to why we broke up. I could only say I was in school. I didn't know why I was doing it either. All I knew was I had so much anxiety and I had to get out. So I quit.
I'm holding on to my faith in You by a thread. I think about death constantly. I had this woman I love that I keep disappointing. I have all this school work weighing on me. I have no money. What did I have to offer her? No security, no rock of faith, no safe place for her to come to and find rest. I am such a terrible mess. How could I admit this stuff to her? She'd ask me over and over if something was wrong and it weighed so heavy on me.
I wanted to express all of my fears. I wanted to hold her and let all of it out. But what would that show her? How weak and vulnerable I truly am? How afraid I am? What kind of a man would I be? She's always seen me as this person who is confident in his beliefs and choices what would she think if she found all this shit out? What would I have to offer her? She already has so many uncertainties in her life the last thing she needed was a man equally confused and afraid. So I ran.
I’ve been worried all my life,
A nervous wreck most of the time.
I’ve always been afraid of heights,
Of falling backwards, falling backwards.
I’ve been worried all my life.
There it is.
I never knew why until now. I didn't trust her anymore than she trusted me. And who knows she probably would have left me again anyway had I told her this shit. I'm not who I seem to be.
It's all coming together now. Now I understand why I've wanted to be a father but not a husband. Children may move away, they will grow up. But they can't divorce you. They can't get a new dad. But a wife can get a new husband. They can divorce. That's the difference. It's the reason I would get mean once we started dating. It's the reason I broke up with her in the fall. I'm so afraid of being rejected, being left. What if I'm too messy, what if I'm too boring, what if she wants someone else?
I was never able to give her a reason why we broke up because I didn't know why myself. Now I know. I'm afraid. I always have been. Shutting down, turning mean, pushing her away.
Standing alone in the tunnel.
Wind howling past my face.
The silent walk to the abandoned place.
There You were. I stood there and I begged You to be real.
God I need You to be real. Looking out on the frozen snow covered river I found You again.
I haven't heard You in so long. I've been so afraid God.
I am afraid.
I asked for You and You revealed my cowardice to me.
I don't know for certain if it was You or if my brain simply made a new connection to an old pathway. I probably never will know. That's the thing with faith.
But something happened in that forgotten place.
You and me.
I've been going to VC20 with Claire. I just need You to be real.
Did you show me this about myself or did I just realize it on my own?
I could have stood at the edge of that tunnel for a year.
No school
No money
No noise
No trust issues
Just You
Just this insanely beautiful planet You set me in.
That warm bright sun standing still as the planet rotates around creating evening.
Those bare trees reaching up towards its rays
The sound of moving water in melted parts of the river
That snow covering everything I can see, but by the collection of such small flakes.
Everything is so complex.
How many snowflakes cover the ground?
How many cells in my body.
How many trees outside of the tunnel?
There was a time when this tunnel never existed. There was a time when a train ran through here. And there will be a time when this tunnel falls. But here I am in my place in time. My tiny little speck of existence. Alone in an abandoned tunnel. It's so peaceful, beautiful. And feeling You there. I cannot with certainty say that I know I felt You but I won't deny I experienced something. That moment. It's all we as humans have are moments.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
-Robert Frost
I've always loved the idea of marriage but when it comes to putting my own heart on the line I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it. In Donald Miller's words "scary close." It doesn't matter how many times Bea and I got back together the result will always be the same,
I'll push her away.
I do miss her.