Back in September I had a lot of questions when I wrote here.
09/08/15
Very rarely do I actually find answers to any of my questions.
Last night was one of those rare nights.
I wondered if I made the right choice breaking up with Bea.
Now I know it was the best choice for both of us.
I've always wanted her to cry for me. I've always wanted her to say the things she finally said after we broke up. But now she has moved on.
3 months and she's moved on.
my initial reaction to Claire's news was hurtful. That all too familiar pit in the stomach that increase of heart rate.
But as I sat and thought more about it and with the wisdom that comes with years and experience I have the answer to my questions back in September.
This is for the best.
If she is able to move on then she should.
I can find peace in her moving on.
It tells me things. Answers that kept me up every now and again.
Did I make the right choice?
Yes.
She can move on, it tells me she wasn't that into me.
It tells me I need someone who is.
September she cried for me, she told me no one is fucking like me. No one thinks like me.
Her words may be true still but that wasn't enough to keep her hung up.
This despite my feelings, is a good thing.
Hopefully this guy won't forget when she is moving her stuff.
Hopefully this guy will go with her to the mountains like she's always dreamed.
We fought all the time.
She was never over Jordan and she got over me quickly.
I need to be happy for her.
This is a good thing.
I want someone who can't move on.
I want to be with someone I can't move on from.
Now I can put all of these questions and regrets behind me.
I can put my nose to my books and focus on school
On becoming the best teacher I can be.
No more stupid walks down Adams Ave.
Now I can listen to Bon Iver without having to fight back the urge to text.
I feel so dumb. Such an emotional mess never able to let things go.
Always romanticizing about hope and redemption, never able to move on.
Wondering if she's thinking about me or missing me ha!
Texting her during her mother's wedding while she's got another guy
No one is who they seem to be.
I made a choice and we must stick with our choices.
We had some really great years and my memories are written in these letters.
But it's over.
It is over.
It wasn't meant to be and we will both be better because of it.
She kept asking me why we broke up. Now she knows.
These January nights I can't stop watching Lord of the Rings.
Covered in blankets with bowls of ice cream.
Once scene I rewind and rewind again over and over.
PIPPIN: I didn't think it would end this way.
GANDALF: End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it.
PIPPIN: What? Gandalf? See what?
GANDALF: White shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.
PIPPIN: Well, that isn't so bad.
GANDALF: No. No, it isn't.
Why does my heart feel the way it does with Gandalf's words? How badly my heart longs for my body to contain something eternal. How I need a soul to be within me somehow. Against all science, against all logic, I need more.
If only we in reality could hear the words of the White Wizard and find such peace. The peace that washes over Pippin's countenance even in the face of death. It's all I want. I wish there was a place I could go to find such rest to hear such words and to know. To know them to be true.
mewithoutYou- The Angel of Death Came to David's Room
09/08/15
Very rarely do I actually find answers to any of my questions.
Last night was one of those rare nights.
I wondered if I made the right choice breaking up with Bea.
Now I know it was the best choice for both of us.
I've always wanted her to cry for me. I've always wanted her to say the things she finally said after we broke up. But now she has moved on.
3 months and she's moved on.
my initial reaction to Claire's news was hurtful. That all too familiar pit in the stomach that increase of heart rate.
But as I sat and thought more about it and with the wisdom that comes with years and experience I have the answer to my questions back in September.
This is for the best.
If she is able to move on then she should.
I can find peace in her moving on.
It tells me things. Answers that kept me up every now and again.
Did I make the right choice?
Yes.
She can move on, it tells me she wasn't that into me.
It tells me I need someone who is.
September she cried for me, she told me no one is fucking like me. No one thinks like me.
Her words may be true still but that wasn't enough to keep her hung up.
This despite my feelings, is a good thing.
Hopefully this guy won't forget when she is moving her stuff.
Hopefully this guy will go with her to the mountains like she's always dreamed.
We fought all the time.
She was never over Jordan and she got over me quickly.
I need to be happy for her.
This is a good thing.
I want someone who can't move on.
I want to be with someone I can't move on from.
Now I can put all of these questions and regrets behind me.
I can put my nose to my books and focus on school
On becoming the best teacher I can be.
No more stupid walks down Adams Ave.
Now I can listen to Bon Iver without having to fight back the urge to text.
I feel so dumb. Such an emotional mess never able to let things go.
Always romanticizing about hope and redemption, never able to move on.
Wondering if she's thinking about me or missing me ha!
Texting her during her mother's wedding while she's got another guy
No one is who they seem to be.
I made a choice and we must stick with our choices.
We had some really great years and my memories are written in these letters.
But it's over.
It is over.
It wasn't meant to be and we will both be better because of it.
She kept asking me why we broke up. Now she knows.
These January nights I can't stop watching Lord of the Rings.
Covered in blankets with bowls of ice cream.
Once scene I rewind and rewind again over and over.
PIPPIN: I didn't think it would end this way.
GANDALF: End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it.
PIPPIN: What? Gandalf? See what?
GANDALF: White shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.
PIPPIN: Well, that isn't so bad.
GANDALF: No. No, it isn't.
Why does my heart feel the way it does with Gandalf's words? How badly my heart longs for my body to contain something eternal. How I need a soul to be within me somehow. Against all science, against all logic, I need more.
If only we in reality could hear the words of the White Wizard and find such peace. The peace that washes over Pippin's countenance even in the face of death. It's all I want. I wish there was a place I could go to find such rest to hear such words and to know. To know them to be true.
mewithoutYou- The Angel of Death Came to David's Room