02/29/16

Leap Day.

Leap day is a beautiful day to me.

It reminds us how amazingly precise and mathematically predictable this reality is and yet how impossibly difficult it is to try and fit in our boxes.

the Earth completes its orbit around the Sun in 365 days, 5 hours, 49 minutes, and 16 seconds (365.2425 days). The currently accepted figure is 365 days, 5 hours, 48 minutes, 45 seconds. Thus adding a calendar day every four years is an excess of around 44 minutes each time, or about 3 days every 400 years. To compensate for this, three days are removed every 400 years.

I love it. It's a reminder every four years that we are on a rock flying around the sun. The more often I am reminded of that the more it makes me smile.

This leap year:
Donald Trump is running for president and I really hope he doesn't get elected
The Olympics will be held in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
I'm killing myself in grad school chasing this dream of being a teacher
I live with Travis, Claire, and Melissa on Tibet Rd.
I work at the VECC.

I know I write letters to myself on my birthday every year but I also thought it would be interesting to think about where I was last leap day and to think about where I will be on the next one.

Last Leap Day was 2012.

And in beautiful irony that only the universe could write, on this exact day four years ago I was grieving the loss of a woman I loved.

Amazing.

It's honestly astounding how much I have changed from that leap day and in the same sense how similar I am.

haha I don't talk to You at all like I did in 2012. It's hard to even remember praying like that.

It's also interesting how much I hoped to get back with Whitney then and how much I hope to get back with Bea now.

I have mixed feelings about this.

First I guess it's hard to look back four years ago and remember what a coward I was about being vulnerable in a relationship and realizing how I still fear it now. It makes me wonder if I will be repeating this cycle in 2020.

I guess the whole Jeremiah 18 prayer didn't work out so well for me huh?
Haven't really allowed You to mold me into a man who can be vulnerable, who can trust someone.

Although, I would say I am much more self aware on this leap day. I finally see what's wrong with these relationships. It definitely wasn't Whitney in 2012 and it wasn't Bea in 2016.

It's me.
I run.
I want marriage but when it comes time to step up, I bolt.

God I'm definitely glad things didn't work out with Whitney.
Call me foolish but I still hope for Bea to come back and for me to find the courage to finally trust someone in a relationship. I know she's the one I'd be willing to take that risk with. She's the one I want to give myself to. She definitely has helped me grow in the best sort of way. I think reading that leap day letter in 2012 is proof of that. I love Bea in such a very different way. I don't want these four years of growing to wither to go to waste. I want to keep growing together with her. Yes certainly more pruning will be involved but with that comes so much new growth. I want seasons of her beside me gardening. I want to be the man she makes me. I want her in my short little life.

I won't say that I am completely in the same place. I have grown with Bea in my life. I left the country for the first time in my life later in 2012. I found my passion for education. I pursued a job at the early childhood center even when I wasn't hired I continued to pursue. And this past summer I started grad school to continue to chase this dream. I know I wouldn't have had the guts to reach any of these levels without the help of Bea seeing in me what I couldn't. Since the last leap year I've also found my love for gardening and I ran the Arawak plot all by myself in 2014. Again I wouldn't have known how beautiful plants are without Bea in my life. These past four years have been really good years. So much growth.

It makes me want to call her right now just to listen to her heart. To hear the things she's been thinking. To hear her laugh again. It makes me want to ask her to go on a walk on that farm north of Lane with her bear dog. It makes me want to stand completely still and look into those giant brown eyes feel my lungs fill with air and know that we exist. That giant heart of hers ugh how dumb am I? I just want to grab her pretty little face and kiss her and tell her I am for her. Tell her I love her and I know she loves me and tell her how fucking scared that makes me. Tell her all the things I wrestled with last year, all the stuff that weighed so heavy on my heart. Finally stop the performance and just fucking be with the woman and I and loves me back. Sit next to her watching episode after episode of Grey's anatomy. Light some candles listen to her sing Avett brothers or talk about Sleeping at Last lyrics. God I wish she would text me...I'd even settle for a like on instagram anything to give me hope that she feels half of what I know now she felt in the fall.

Well here I am again, four years older and in the same spot. I guess I should pray the same prayer again.

The Lord gave another message to Jeremiah. He said, “Go down to the potter’s shop, and I will speak to you there.” So I did as he told me and found the potter working at his wheel. But the jar he was making did not turn out as he had hoped, so he crushed it into a lump of clay again and started over. Then the Lord gave me this message: “O Israel, can I not do to you as this potter has done to his clay? As the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in my hand.
-Jeremiah 18

Fuck, God I am tired of this cycle. The winter of 2012 sucked and this one is no different. I don't want to go through this again. So yes, I am clay in your hands I guess these sleepless nights and this season of Lent, praying for Bea to take one more risk with my sorry broken ass, is the crushing of the jar of my life back into another fucking lump.

How embarrassing to come to You on leap day and find myself in the exact same spot. Bea was certainly different though wasn't she? She always thought I never got over Whitney haha if I could only show her how much she means to me. If she only knew. I guess I did show her my vulnerability. I showed her how I run away. I wonder what she thought when I ran. I wonder if she knew how much I love her. I wonder if there is any of that left on her end still. How badly my fear of intimacy hurts the one person I want to be intimate with. If only I had one more chance to take that risk with Bea.

Beautiful irony that only the universe could write.

I will be a husband.
I will be a father.
I will learn to love God.
and I will be damn good at it too.

Augustana - Boston

02/28/16

As the Fellowship prepares to leave Lothlórien Galadriel gives each member a gift. She stops at each one and gives them something useful for their journey...Then she arrives at Aragorn.

Galadriel: "I have nothing greater to give, than the gift you already bear. Am meleth dîn. I ant e-guil Arwen Undómiel…pelitha." (For her love, I fear the grace of Arwen Evenstar… will diminish.)

The fellowship is about to go up against the greatest dangers and evils Middle Earth as ever seen does she offer him armor? A sword? Some sort of magical item to help him down the road...nothing. She has nothing greater to give him.
What gift does Aragorn already bear?

Aragorn has a woman who loves him. A woman who, because of her love has chosen to give up immortality in order to be with him. Rather die and love than live without.

...nothing greater to give, than the gift you already bear

Galadriel: "Do not fear, young Peregrin Took. You will find your courage."

I want that gift and I want to offer that love.
I will find my courage.

A photo posted by Adam🌱 (@zmorris93) on Apr 25, 2013 at 6:09pm PDT

A photo posted by Adam🌱 (@zmorris93) on Jul 18, 2015 at 8:21am PDT

Bea doesn't see me as a guy with a man bun. She doesn't see me as a guy in grad school to become a teacher. She was there with me as I grew into this man. She sees who I am. She knows the path that lead me to the man I am today. She was with me when I started to fall in love with gardening. She was also taught the parish farming perspective. She understands why I grew the yeard. She knows why I want to teach. She knows why I love the pantry. She knows me and that is so attractive.

The same is true for the way I see her. I know where she has been and how she got where she is now. I knew her when she was in school for farming. I knew her at the coop, the purg, the homestead, Adams Ave. I knew her when her parents lived in Dublin together. I knew her when she applied to city year. I knew her when she baby sat for Lucas. I knew her when she was a home health aid. I knew her when she went on her road trip around the country. I knew her when Rachel hurt her. I knew her when she saw the bird as a machine. I think that is such a special thing. She is more than who she is now. We've grown together. I know the 'why' to Bea and I love that.

She knows the 'why' to Adam. That's special.

I like that she knows the why to the who I am. And I like that I know the why to the who of her beautiful heart.

The longer we spend apart the more we will grow apart. And with that growing also comes a withering. The man I am growing into when she is around me, when she is in my life. That man will wither. The woman she is growing into when she is around me is also withering. I know all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's sad to think the man she would have pushed me to become may never exist. The woman I would have pushed her to become may never exist. These two people will wither. 'Bea' will no longer exist she will only be Kelly, or Biscuit. I may not get to be the father of her children. That's a really sad thought.

She and I have talked before about how when two people love each other the expression of that love creates more love. I hope to one day experience that with her still. I want to be the father of her children. I want her to raise my kids. I want her to do that terrifying goose hand thing when we are driving in the car with our children.

I love her very much so and I let fear control me.

Last week Christian talked about Jesus being baptized and his time in the wilderness. He mentioned how Jesus could have baptized John but that he needed to put himself in that place of vulnerability.

It made me think.
I keep thinking about this past fall.
I keep thinking about the 'why' of me leaving Bea.

I know I have trust issues.
I know I have divorce fears.
I know I have to perform.
I know I have a hard time accepting love.
But something struck me during that sermon and again God I'm not sure if this was You or a random connection in my brain but it feels like You are near.

School was starting for me.
I was going to be crunched for time.
I was going to be pinched for money.
I was going to be put in a very vulnerable place.
I was going to need Bea to be patient with me.
I was going to need Bea to see me in a weak place.
I wasn't going to be in control.
I wasn't going to be able to meet all of her needs
Like trips to Yellow Springs without constantly fearing the homework I had to do.

It was a point in my life where I was going to have to accept the grace of Bea. I was going to have to receive without being able to give back or earn it.
She offered to cook me dinner. She offered to simply sit next to me while I studied

Letting her see me in that vulnerable state... having to simply receive without being able to perform or to show her how impressive I was it killed me.

It disgusted me to think I couldn't give my girlfriend the time and the dates she deserved. I told her I would be too busy. ...That was my reason to break up.

That was my reason...

She told me over and over she wouldn't mind how busy I was.
It wasn't her who it bothered.
It was me.
I couldn't accept the love of Bea without earning it or performing.
I couldn't accept her sitting by me and that being enough.
Cooking me dinner and dropping it off.

Then Jesus went from Galilee to the Jordan River to be baptized by John. But John tried to talk him out of it. “I am the one who needs to be baptized by you,” he said, “so why are you coming to me?” But Jesus said, “It should be done, for we must fulfill all righteousness.” So John agreed to baptize him.
-Matthew 3

To fulfill all righteousness.
To experience God.
God is love.
To experience love.
to fulfill love.

But Adam tried to talk her out of it. I am the one who needs to cook you dinner Bea. I am the one who needs to sit next to you while you do your work.

Because if I can't perform, if she sees the real boring me, she will leave. So I ran.
But it should be done to fulfill love. To allow myself to be served. To allow myself to be loved. No strings. No performing.
Just the woman who loved me asking to be next to me during a stressful time of vulnerability where I have nothing to offer but only to receive.

I missed that.
Do not fear, Adam. You will find your courage.

I miss her. I wish I could give her the opportunity to serve me. To express her love and for me to accept it without performance. To simply sit in her love for me. What would that feel like? I wonder if she wants the same.

For her to know the why to the who and for her to love the vulnerable who.
scary close stuff God. Very scary stuff.
I want to take that risk.
Show me my courage oh God.

Ed Sheeran - I See Fire

02/25/16

Tomorrow is my test to see if I can student teach next spring.
God I pray that You would give me rest tonight.
Help me sleep.
Be with me as I take this thing
One step closer to teaching
One step closer to my dream

I saw this in the news today. I almost texted her to hear her thoughts...almost.
I wish Bea were here with me.
She always knew how to calm me down when I would freak out.
I can see her now offering to drive me to the test.
Offering to get Tim Horton's for breakfast before.
She would get a coffee and that oatmeal with the mix in berries. I'd get a black coffee. She'd tell me I want a donut too. I'd say just coffee. She would use that voice her mother uses turn to the cashier and add one donut to the order...every time. :)
Making me a card to encourage me.
leave a note on my car.
She helped me find peace.
Always there.

I miss the man she made me.
I wish Bea were here with me.
Next to me yes but also this journey.

God I pray that You would calm my mind tonight.
No dreams about her tonight.
No laying restlessly.
Give me peace oh God.

How silly my stress must seem to the omniscient Creator.
How many lives You have watched grow and wither, I wonder if it makes You hopeful or sad.

Give me peace oh God.

02/24/16

Ceilings

These ceilings are starting to wear me down.
Winter is having its affect on me.
The days are short
the nights are far too long

I need the smell of summer,
I need its noises in my ears
I need the sun on my skin.
I want my windows down as I drive.

I want my hands in the soil again.

I need spring.

I need sky.
I want more time outside.

All day everyday ceilings.
I go to work and we are trapped in the classroom and the indoor playground.
I go home and I am locked in my room studying for hours.

I want to nap in the grass like I use to.
I want my shirt off and feel the rays on my back.
I want to feel the wind blowing my hair.

Winter looks so beautiful, the snow makes my heart happy

but these ceilings, these walls, I feel so boxed in.

Earlier this month I finally got to see the Steel Wheels perform in Columbus.
It was such a perfect night and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to share the moment with Bea.

The day of the show I asked them to play the song about Kansas that I showed Bea last summer.
For their encore they mentioned my tweet and played the song for me. I got my phone out as fast as I could are recorded it. I wish Bea could have been there beside me.

I remember that evening we watched the sunset. The big sky. The moment she took a picture of a lightning bolt leaving Colorado. The warm skunk beers on her car roof. When she saved us after I let the battery die. That night in the hotel. It wasn't the perfect day but we did it together and we were growing. The next morning for breakfast we listened to an old sexist U.S. Veteran talk about marriage.

Ceilings.
I feel trapped.

I need some fresh air again. I need to sleep under the stars. I just need to drive for a while and hike somewhere alone. I didn't take my yearly trip out west. Maybe I should when it warms up.

I want you to stand beside me when the harvest winds are humming.
She made her way from Ohio
Says a man don't live by bread alone
If the rains don't come the crops don't grow and the table's looking empty
She looks at me with a wicked grin
She says I won't go your way again
Because Kansas is a cross to bear on the road to Colorado

A photo posted by Adam🌱 (@zmorris93) on May 24, 2015 at 9:06pm PDT

And what do you benefit if you gain a teaching job but lose the love of your life? Is anything worth more than love?

I miss that woman.

The Steel Wheels - Thundercloud Breaks

02/21/16

Frodo:
I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf:
So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring. In which case, you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought.

Frodo I know exactly how you feel. I wish I hadn't let Bea go. I told her once that she was the best thing to ever happen to me and I still believe that.
But what can I do about it now? She said she isn't confused.
How can she know with such certainty while I still feel this way?
I know she feels it too. But we are all given freedom.
We all have to decide what to do with the time that is given to us.
I still don't want another woman to call me her boyfriend.
I only want Bea to be able to say that.
I'm still stuck hoping she's the one walking down the isle towards me one day.

It's funny how much she always feared I would propose to her knowing how fucking afraid of divorce I've been. But now I see how great she was. I'd legitimately consider asking her to wear my ring. I've got to get these delusions out of my head. Fuck I miss her.

Life is so short and we do not get to decide the times in which we are brought to the world. That's so strange to think about. Everything about life is so strange if I think about it too long. I start to think about consciousness. I start to think about breathing. I think about what air is why do I need it? What is breath? What are lungs? Such a strange way to survive. Veins carrying this liquid through my body propelled by this big muscle in my chest. Why? What if I was born 100 years ago or from now? What if I was born in Russia instead? So strange.

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

These words keeps going around in my mind. We truly are dust. To exist is so rare.
It's almost impossible for me to believe I exist it's so strange and rare.
One short life that's all we have.
It makes me think about Bea.
I want to spend this blink of a life with her.
I wish she would talk to me.
I wonder if she wants the same thing at this moment.

A photo posted by Adam🌱 (@zmorris93) on Apr 22, 2013 at 7:44pm PDT

A photo posted by Adam🌱 (@zmorris93) on May 1, 2015 at 10:33am PDT

Damien Jurado - Ohio

02/16/16

Today is Mikey's hearing day. God I pray that your truth and your justice would be done today in this man's life. I pray that you would open the hearts of those listening and reading the statements presented to them. I know if You will it it can be done. I ask that of You now. For my brother Mikey. For his life and his name's sake.

I ask for more of You in my life God. I think I can feel the upward climb of the valley. God I miss You. I miss knowing You are there. I'm not sure why we humans need to know we are not alone but it seems to be a deep desire in us all.

I am Yours and You are mine.
Is this relationship mutually necessary?

I wonder.
I think about love as my mind strays during the day.
I think about Bea and how I miss her.
I wonder what love is without the other person.

God is love but what is love without that other?
Can love exist without it?
Therefore can God exist without us?
Or rather Who You are now.
You are eternal, but I wonder what You were before the first human.
Before free will.

Like parents when their child is born
Both need each other to exist.
A father is no longer a father without a child.
The parent creates the child just as much,
the child creates the parent.

I wonder if love could have existed prior to the biting of the fruit.

You looked at creation and said it is good. But did You love it?
Could You love it if it wasn't given the ability to choose and thus love back?

The difference between angles and me...my freedom. My ability to love.

If a parent loses their child are they any longer a parent?
What if God lost humanity? What if we became extinct?
Who would You become?

Were You merely a scientist and mathematician prior to that fall?
Breathing stars and painting planets what is it all if Your beloved is not there to awe in Your unspeakable works?

I wonder what Your heart felt that first time a human chose You.
That first time they left the garden and You gave up that control.
How terrifying and yet You know no fear, only love.

Bea knew I was making a huge fucking mistake when I broke up with her.
Now I see that.
I wonder if she still views it through the same lens. I wonder if she still thinks it was a huge fucking mistake.
I do.

It's amazing how these tiny pebbles we toss can create such ripples in our lives.
I want her to wear my ring.
I want her to be the mother of my children.
I want to be by her side if Alzheimer's begins to grip her mind.
I still believe no other man could love her better than I can.
I wonder if she ever misses me.
If she ever thinks about those nights we would lay together.
Those mornings we would wake together.

Life is so strange.
What if David and Bea's mom were meant to be together but they both made their own huge fucking mistakes when they were younger and love corrected eventually?

I wonder what she would think about all of this.
What would she say about God before humans.
Could love exist without the 'otherness'?
I suppose there is the trinity aspect but if the three are one is there an otherness?

Even as I think about the hearing that will take place today I think about life's ripples.
How one accusation can change the path of a man.

One day, however, no one else was around when he went in to do his work. She came and grabbed him by his cloak, demanding, “Come on, sleep with me!” Joseph tore himself away, but he left his cloak in her hand as he ran from the house. When she saw that she was holding his cloak and he had fled, she called out to her servants. Soon all the men came running. “Look!” she said. “My husband has brought this Hebrew slave here to make fools of us! He came into my room to rape me, but I screamed. When he heard me scream, he ran outside and got away, but he left his cloak behind with me.” She kept the cloak with her until her husband came home. Then she told him her story. “That Hebrew slave you’ve brought into our house tried to come in and fool around with me,” she said. “But when I screamed, he ran outside, leaving his cloak with me!” Potiphar was furious when he heard his wife’s story about how Joseph had treated her. So he took Joseph and threw him into the prison where the king’s prisoners were held, and there he remained.
-Genesis 39

An innocent man punished for an accusation. Life is not only rare and beautiful but in it and throughout it the temporary moments of it. How a whole life can change so quickly.

God I pray for Mikey be with him today.

Noah Gundersen - David

02/14/16

A photo posted by Adam🌱 (@zmorris93) on Jun 27, 2015 at 9:27am PDT

Squad Façade

Since You have revealed this stuff within me God I can't stop thinking about it more and more. Looking at my life from a new perspective a different angle.
My fear of letting Bea see who I really am.
My need to impress her and perform.
How I ran from my best friend, my family, the woman I love.

I've been thinking about my friends.
I don't think it's healthy for me.
I use my friends to make me think I don't need vulnerability and an intimate relationship.
I've realized that I'm not them. Yes some of them are very content being single and that's great for them but that isn't me. No matter how much I want to be independent and not want a romantic relationship it's just a façade.

I couldn't figure out why my relationship failed so I decided to say marriage is bullshit friends are all that matter. But that was a performance. It was fake. The truth is I do want marriage. And I love sharing my life with one woman. The reason my relationship failed was because I wouldn't let it be the relationship it was trying to bloom into. I wasn't trusting Bea. I wouldn't stop the performance and I wouldn't completely let her in so rather than take that risk with her I decided that marriage is a scam and all women will let you down but your friends never will. I created a façade to help diminish my cognitive dissonance to dodge the actual root of this failure.

Lately I've lost my desire to join in on guys night. I find myself not responding in the group text. I can see now what a crutch they have been to me. It's fine if they don't want wives and they want to go out every weekend and they like hanging out together. But I need those late night conversations. I need those day dates where we drive out of the city and explore. I need 'sleeping at last' playing while we lay in the candle light. I fucking love that stuff.

And now as I am truly beginning to see this I can honestly say I really want a wife. I love my friends. They are so important to me but they couldn't possibly begin to offer me the type of relationship a wife can. I know it's going to take effort and I know it's going to be horribly scary but I will not make those mistakes I made with Bea again.

I'm tired of watching the things I want for my life pass me by because I'm afraid of failure.
I'm 28. I want someone who knows me and I want to know her deeply. I want to rest in that without performing and without holding back.

Fear of failure fulfills the fear.

Divorce is a horribly scary thing...
but like I said two weeks ago, I can say with certainly that our worst fight doesn't come close to what I feel away from her.

If she ever talks to me again weather that be tomorrow or 25 years from now, I won't make this mistake again. No more walls, no more performances. I want something real. I need it. To not try to impress but rather to live life together.

You kept a distance out of fear you'd break
But what good's a single windchime, hanging quiet all alone?
The music our collisions would make
Is a sound that turns the road that leads us back home, into Home.

The music our collisions make
That's risk
That's love.

A photo posted by Adam🌱 (@zmorris93) on Apr 21, 2013 at 5:34pm PDT

Frodo:
It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance.

Gandalf:
Pity? It was pity that stayed Bilbo's hand. Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or ill before this is over. The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many.

Even the very wise cannot see all ends.

I wonder how the flowers for the elderly event went for her this year. I wish I could have been there beside her. I wonder if she will ever know the impact she's made on all of those women throughout these years. What an amazing heart she has.

Kodaline - All I Want

02/12/16

 And one of my favorites

I love her very much so.

02/11/16

From Dust You Came, and To Dust You Shall Return
-Genesis 3:19

Eomer: Look for your friends, but do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands.

Tonight marked the first day of lent. I saw her again tonight. How is it I managed to go months without seeing her and now twice in the same week?

Claire stayed with me as I sat and cried like an idiot. She's a really good friend.

I didn't think I was going to do anything for lent. I really just love Ash Wednesday for it's focus on death. It's so interesting. But after I saw her and talked to You about it God I have decided what I will do for this season.

I will take this season as a grieving time for the loss of what could have been. No more performances, no more fake Adam. I'm tired of living this life. I will allow myself to hope and to pray that she will come back. That she feels the same as me.

But if she doesn't reach out to me in anyway by the sunrise of Easter morning then I will never talk about this with You or anyone again.

I remember Easter last year she spent it with my family in Wauseon. If she doesn't say anything to me I will know.

I thought about that verse in 2 Samuel again:

After Nathan returned to his home, the Lord sent a deadly illness to the child of David and Uriah’s wife. David begged God to spare the child. He went without food and lay all night on the bare ground. The elders of his household pleaded with him to get up and eat with them, but he refused. Then on the seventh day the child died. David’s advisers were afraid to tell him. “He wouldn’t listen to reason while the child was ill,” they said. “What drastic thing will he do when we tell him the child is dead?” When David saw them whispering, he realized what had happened. “Is the child dead?” he asked. “Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.” Then David got up from the ground, washed himself, put on lotions, and changed his clothes. He went to the Tabernacle and worshiped the Lord. After that, he returned to the palace and was served food and ate. His advisers were amazed. “We don’t understand you,” they told him. “While the child was still living, you wept and refused to eat. But now that the child is dead, you have stopped your mourning and are eating again.” David replied, “I fasted and wept while the child was alive, for I said, ‘Perhaps the Lord will be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But why should I fast when he is dead? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me.”

...Perhaps the Lord will be gracious to me

It's weird thinking she won't be in my life anymore and I wonder if that's truly best too.

40 days and then I will be done.

Taylor Swift - Wildest Dreams

02/08/16

Another night stuck laying in my bed unable to sleep.

I'll stay awake,
cause the dark's not taking prisoners tonight

God writing on here always seems so therapeutic.

I saw Bea today.
I tried as hard as I could not to but my eyes couldn't help themselves.
She looked great too.
I kept telling myself I didn't see her. She's not there.

oh God I wanted to walk up to her grab her shoulders look her right in those giant doe eyes and say, Please don't go Bea. Stay with me. I'll move to the mountains with you once I finish school. I just want to be by your side.

But I didn't, I couldn't honestly, she doesn't want me to and it would have been selfish. So I turned my head and acted like she wasn't there...soon enough I suppose she won't be there. She'll be in the mountains.

I can't sleep my brain keeps replaying last year. I see all of it now.

Valentine's when I tried to surprise her with the flowers. I wanted to impress her. I wanted everything to be perfect for her.

The drive to Colorado. I wanted to make great time and impress her and her mom. I wanted to appear perfect. Even stopping in KC I wanted to find the coolest spot to impress her. Even when the car died I wanted to be strong enough to push the car and solve the problem for her. The light rail fight. I wanted to show her I could get her home and impress her.

When we thought we were pregnant I was so afraid. We weren't married, I wasn't making a lot of money. I wouldn't have been able to give her everything she and our baby deserved. I wanted a perfect start for our child.

Not being there when she was moving. I failed. I showed her I was human. I tried everything to make it up to her begging her to give me things to move things to build. But she saw me mess up. I let her down.

Once school started I couldn't take her on adventures. Day trips to yellowsprings. I couldn't give her the time I wanted. I couldn't impress her like I wanted.

All of these huge fights that I saw as the reasons we weren't good together, it was me performing. She didn't care about the flowers. She didn't care about making good time to Denver. She didn't care how much money I made. She did feel hurt when I didn't help her move but it wasn't because I didn't move enough stuff or accomplish enough. It's because she didn't feel like she was a priority to me. And she didn't care how busy I was with school. She offered to make me dinner. She surprised me with Chestnuts and a note...

She really did love me.

I was so afraid if I didn't impress her. If I wasn't this man who kept sweeping her off her feet then she wouldn't want to be with me. She would find someone better.

But all she wanted to do was lay beside me and watch Grey's Anatomy. It was never about me being perfect. It was never about me always being so interesting. She wanted to be a part of those things. She wanted us to do those things together. She wasn't impressed by how well I could figure out the light rail map or how far I could drive in a day. She just straight up loved me. That was it. She saw who I was and I was enough. She wanted to do life with me.

She wasn't going to leave me for another guy. She didn't want one. She wanted me. I tried to put on this perfect performance for her. I wanted all her friends to think I was great. I wanted her family to think I was great.

When her friends didn't like me. When I couldn't perform. When she wasn't impressed with me trying to take control of everything and show her how amazing I was. I ran.

How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so blind? Now I even remember Toni telling me this stuff years ago I remember hearing the words but I couldn't see what she saw. Even when Bea was always so hesitant to date me I always thought it was because I wasn't performing well enough for her to want to be my gf. But it was because I started to perform once we dated.

Even reading scary close with her I couldn't see. I was blind.

Bea never cared how messing the relationship was. She never cared if I didn't know what the hell I was doing. She just wanted to be a part of it. She wanted to do it together. Fuck she didn't even care if we were pregnant she just wanted us to do it together.

I wasn't performing perfectly so we must not be right for each other. She can see how many times I make mistakes and how much I don't know. I need to run now before we end up married and she realizes I'm not this perfect man and divorces me

God, I once was blind but now I see.

Doing life together. Seeing eachother's faults and helping the other grow. That sounds so much better than what I was trying. I saw all of Bea's flaws and I never minded a single one of them. But I couldn't understand that she saw the same in me and felt the same.

Damn she looked great today.
I wanted to ask her what she thought about the evangelism sermon. About the business cards they asked us to pass out. Talking about the number of people we could get in the building. I just wanted to listen to her thoughts. Instead I performed. Acted like I didn't see her and I didn't notice.

I'm so afraid of divorce...but I'm starting to wonder which is worse?
The man who steps out takes the risk and ends up with the scar
Or the man who never tries because he's afraid he will fail

Her dad may be divorced and he may have made many mistakes but that man took the risk and I can respect that.

I think that love is so much easier than you realize
If you can give yourself to someone, then you should.

Coldplay - What If

02/07/16

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
-Theodor Geisel

Parish Farming School of Eucharistic Discipleship


What is sleep?
Why do we sleep?

School is killing me.
When I'm not spending all my free time working on projects I'm spending it worrying about what is due next. I want to be a great teacher. I want to find a job.
I want a 4.0 I've never been an A student but I want it now.
I've never wanted or worked this hard for something
The older I grow the more I think about what I will be looking back on in this life.
I want to know I did a good job.
I want to know I put in the work earned the grade.
School is killing me but we are all dying.
If something is going to kill me I'd rather it be what I'm working towards.

Bea always use to say I just loved the chase. She was wrong. It wasn't the chase that I loved it was the distance. Keeping her an arms length away so that she couldn't see who I really am. But the more I think about it, our relationship, the more I realize she did see me. She saw the real me and she loved it. What I wouldn't give for one more night with her in my arms.
I know what you told me
I know that it's all over
And I know I can't keep calling

Sleep is the daily death.
Each day is a life.
We wake up in the morning at the start of that daily life, we hunger, we work, we rest, we strife, we commune, and at the end of the day we sleep.

Wake to another day only to sleep again.
What would life be if we didn't sleep, each day blended into the next?
Sleep is a necessary bookend.

We know when the end of each day is coming.
We know that sleep is inevitable.
We prepare ourselves for it.
We say our goodnights to those we care for
We climb into our cold dark beds
and with long deep breaths we wait.

We wait for sleep to take us.
It isn't anything to be afraid of.
It isn't anything we didn't know would happen at the end of the day.

Every morning we wake up each of us know that this day will end in sleep.

Why am I so afraid of it?
No matter how much we do in each day we will always feel like more could have been done.

There is always more to do but sleep calls us all.

It's in the morning, for most of us. It's that time, those few seconds when we're coming out of sleep but we're not really awake yet. For those few seconds we're something more primitive than what we are about to become. We have just slept the sleep of our most distant ancestors, and something of them and their world still clings to us. For those few moments we are unformed, uncivilized. We are not the people we know as ourselves, but creatures more in tune with a tree than a keyboard. We are untitled, unnamed, natural, suspended between was and will be, the tadpole before the frog, the worm before the butterfly. We are for a few brief moments, anything and everything we could be. And then...and then -- ah -- we open our eyes and the day is before us and ... we become ourselves.
― Jerry Spinelli

But what about the night? The opposite of these few seconds. Not when we're coming out but rather going in to sleep.

Falling asleep.
Strange verb to describe the process.

It is in the falling to sleep that we join our most distant ancestors we embrace their world we close our eyes strip off who we are, a losing of ourselves rather than the becoming. We lean into the formless the primitive think of all of those who have come before us who have slept that sleep. We join in their world each and every night.

There in my bed each and every night I am untitled, unnamed, natural, and suspended between.

and I think I like that.
But I have miles to go before I sleep.

Tom Odell - I Know

Terraporum I

A photo posted by Adam🌱 (@zmorris93) on Feb 11, 2015 at 6:06pm PST

Ok The pushing my feelings down idea isn't working so well. I posted this on IG last year. Last time we broke up I grew a beard to try and help get over her. This year I think I'm going to try something different. For the longest time I've always had an itch to write some fiction. I've always felt really dumb for thinking about doing it so I've never tried. Plus what the hell do I know about writing fiction? I don't know if it's too much Lord of the Rings or what but as an attempt to get my mind off of letting go of the woman I love and who probably would have been my wife I guess now is as good a time as any to start trying to write this stupid stuff. I also have this place to write it all that is secret and safe. Plus it's nice to have it online in case I die suddenly at some point in my life maybe friends and family will stumble upon my thoughts and find some sort of enjoyment out of this. So I think as, I don't know, a late new years resolution and maybe some sort of therapeutic coping mechanism I'm going to start what can only be a terrible fiction story. But what the hell else am I going to do with my mind? Sit around and think about all the mistakes I made in the relationship that I can never undo? ugh what a terrible place my mind can be. So here we go, since I haven't been able to sleep well this week I'll use the awake time to start writing.

The Garden District of Terraporum

Darkness and silence. That's how the day began. That's how everyday began before this one. Lutum's eyes were fighting to stay closed. The cold morning air cut through the window like a foot through thin ice. Lutum forced them open his green eyes dazed, slowly focused on the pillow straight in front of him. "Dawn will be here soon," He said out loud as his bare feet swung from the safety of the cozy warm pile of blankets wrapping him. He rested his feet on the cold wooden floor boards beneath him. The boards that had been there long before him, cut from trees older than Lutum could imagine, which is rather old. Lutum scratched his long golden hair as it feel in front of his eyes he exhaled pushing the hair up invisibly for a moment then feeling the hairs fall slowly back against his face. He stood up and walked over towards the window, nothing. Darkness and silence, he thought.

Lutum turned towards the fireplace and began to work the semi warm coals of last night pushing his hair over his head with his hand he began to blow carefully on the embers. The Darkness of the day pushed back on the embers as they faded after each breath. Lutum carefully introduced new kindling for the embers to slowly and carelessly feed on. In a short time, what was once dark and nearly dying had once again began to roar and come to life. The darkness was pushed back against the corners of the humble house. Shadows hiding behind furniture and decor most of which Lutum crafted himself or his father before him. He scooped the kettle into the water basin and rested it over the fire. His left hand still stinging from the cold of the water. It was a refreshing sting. He creaked back over towards his bed across the boards beneath him. He sat on his bed and began to pull socks over his numbing feet. He threw on a shirt buttoned it with attention to each button. Lutum stood and reached for his slacks he hopped into them one leg at a time. Already feeling the warmth of the clothes against his cold skin his eyes continued to wonder out the window.

"Where is it?" He thought. His eyes fixed on the nothingness of the outside. His mind began to wonder. Lutum always enjoyed when his mind wondered. It's the kind of thing a person can never plan for. If someone tried to schedule a mind wondering it never seems to come. Daydreams to truly be a daydream must happen spontaneously and even during the daydream if that person were to realize what was happening the mind would no longer be wondering for it would have found itself. The soft crescendo of the kettle's whistle snapped Lutum's mind back into the room. He paced toward the kettle with no certain hurry in his step. That's the way Lutum preferred to live all of his life, "haste was a thing for discontented," his father would always tell him, "and who could be more content than us the gardeners of Terraporum?" with the rhythm of a motion that has been performed countless yesterdays Lutum raised the kettle from the flame and tipped it over his old weathered mug. Ever so carefully he carried his steaming mug towards the cupboards and reached for some morning beans. He ground them up with a wooden kitchen hammer and sprinkled them into his drink. The room began to change as a new aroma was introduced. "It's all coming together, now to...ah shit..." Lutum looked towards the window. It was no longer complete darkness. Light had begun to push up it began to trace the silhouette of the city. "Missed it," He said with a sigh as he headed back towards the window. "Oh well, it's still just as beautiful as ever," As he raised his mug towards his stubbly chin then to his lips. "My favorite day of the year."

Lutum hung there in that moment. He tried to hold the sunrise like he did everyday. But exactly like each before it he couldn't. He knew it was foolish to imagine he could but still he enjoyed trying. "Alright let's see what today will bring" Lutum turned towards the door. He stepped out onto his porch continuing down the steps until his boots finally felt it, that ice cold hard dark soil. He looked up towards the south a figure started to emerge from the shadows it came towards him faster and faster. Lutum stood his ground, nothing could surprise him while in his families garden. The figure started to take shape more and more as it barreled closer. Lutum couldn't help but grin. "Good morning Mercedes," He welcomed as he stooped down to let the giant dog cover his face with slober. "Do you know what today is Mercedes? It's the first day of Spring!" Mercedes sat down looking very serious. "We've got a lot of work today girl," he said as they looked at each other.

Lutum grabbed his seed bag from the old leaning shed and headed towards the southwest corner of his garden. Mercedes followed behind him panting at a level that disturbed the silence of the morning in the best kind of way. Lutum meticulously pressed his left index finger into the cold hard soil creating shallow holes two inches apart, exactly. After each hole he would drop one seed. After each row he would sip one sip of his quickly cooling coffee. Mercedes would follow behind pressing her paws over the holes.

The paper kites- Bloom

02/03/16

A photo posted by Travis (@iamtravis182) on Apr 25, 2012 at 7:04pm PDT

A photo posted by Adam🌱 (@zmorris93) on Aug 19, 2015 at 11:32am PDT

...I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.
-Gandalf

02/02/16

I'm going to try not to dwell on this too much. I already know what a terrible place my brain can be last nights attempt at sleep is proof enough.

Today Bea said goodbye to me. The end of this chapter in my life. It was nearly a year ago that I gave her my virginity. Amazing how much things can change in a year.

I know my damn heart will still play scenarios of her coming back and me getting the chance to fix my fears. These hopeless redemption stories I love so much. I can try to shove this stuff down. I can try to fill my time with other women. But right now the wound is ripped wide open.

I think all the time about feeling alive. My cold runs through the streets, my moments stopping and being present on hikes. Here is one of the loudest reminders I am alive. Nothing hurts like losing someone you love.

And God did I love that woman.
I seem to be holding it together until flashes of memory smash through my veneer.
I'm not going to dodge the pain I'm going to lean into it. I'm going to allow my brain to take me back to those great memories feel their sting.

One of my favorite memories of Bea was when she brought me Cane's while I was in the hospital. She laid next to me as we watched Les Misérables. Everything about that experience should scream terrible memory. Stuck in the hospital with a strangely swelling arm and yet It's one of my favorites. The doctor walking in and telling me he's seen a lot of things in the hospital but a girl sleeping on a chair like that...she must think I'm pretty special.

Her 21st birthday driving to Norwood to see her after her first Parish Farming Internship. Seeing where they planted the potatoes and getting a little too drunk smacking her butt haha.

Sitting on the Coop porch swing on her 20th birthday giving her the dog painting from the coffee shop she said reminded her of Buster. Before that we had eaten pizza at St. Sophia's where Rick helped me surprise her with candles on her pizza.

Lighting all the candles in my bedroom and holding her all through the night. Making her coffee in the morning trying to get her lazy butt to wake up :)

Texting her when her phone didn't have a space button so.each.text.looked.like.this.

Eating oatmeal watching the sunrise on top of the parking garage after listening to All Sons & Daughters over and over again.

Hearing the side door of the Schmachelor Pad slowly open as she would sneak in and cuddle with me some nights. I'd get so excited when I'd hear that door open.

Walking Sadie through the field just north of Lane Ave. Looking into those giant doe eyes. I use to only date girls with blue eyes, then I saw hers.

crawling into her extremely cozy bed in the black mold basement of the homestead.

Sneaking around making a snowman to surprise Linda on her birthday.
Surprising Ed after his house burned down with carols.

Talking in my car until 7am outside of the pantry. Bea would stop get out of the car to squat and pee. I never saw a woman do that until I met her haha. The cops would stop by and tell us to leave.

Those conversations.

Helping her garden at the Godman Guild even as her dress drops low enough to show all the volunteers down her chest.

Hiking with her and her mom as her mom tried to help push her up a rock. Those two together always made me smile but "not too muuuuch"

Trips to Wauseon when she would be so amazed at how quiet it was. And how much she loved the sound of the train.

Driving to Cleveland to see the biggest urban garden in the country.

Eating at firehouse subs with her and her dad.

Trying to ride a bike with her in her old Dublin neighborhood. I still can't believe she got me on it.

Her tickling me as I begged her to stop.

Flowers for the elderly widows on Valentine's eve

When she would cook butternut squash.

That time we prepared dinner at the purg to visit Tony and Stacie.

Hearing Alan and Brian talk about how we need more people like Bea after they went to that concert together.

her laugh

The time she bought me shirts from American Apparel and left them outside my door to surprise me.

When we made that flower pot together and I painted that butt in the bottom of it. She hated that so much.

When we went to the mall with Maria and Tiara.

Going to the park with Lucas and her.

When she made me that journal to read for each day I was in Zambia she asked my friends and family to send pictures to add to the book.

When she gardened with the little girls at Arawak. They were so cold she gave them the blanket out of my trunk and sat with them.

When she would tell me "You're very attractive Adam" that drove me crazy.

When I slept on the floor of the hotel in Cincinnati next to her bed and we held hands.

When I would impersonate Ed and she would laugh so hard she couldn't breathe. I loved making that woman laugh.

So much for not dwelling.
She said she would have stayed in Columbus for me. Wow it's amazing how you can meet someone a complete stranger. And after spending time together the two of you have created something. I didn't know this person even existed in 2010 and by 2015 she was willing to change paths for me. And equally amazing how people can leave your life.

I won't let my brain go down the "what if" path. That's a dark and terrible one. But I do know that I will miss her very much so.

And as much as I wish for "closure" I know my heart will always hold out saying, never say never Adam.

although it was painful texting her today it felt so natural. We know each other so well.
She said
she loved me
I was her best friend
I was family

oh God how I love her.