Squad Façade
Since You have revealed this stuff within me God I can't stop thinking about it more and more. Looking at my life from a new perspective a different angle.
My fear of letting Bea see who I really am.
My need to impress her and perform.
How I ran from my best friend, my family, the woman I love.
I've been thinking about my friends.
I don't think it's healthy for me.
I use my friends to make me think I don't need vulnerability and an intimate relationship.
I've realized that I'm not them. Yes some of them are very content being single and that's great for them but that isn't me. No matter how much I want to be independent and not want a romantic relationship it's just a façade.
I couldn't figure out why my relationship failed so I decided to say marriage is bullshit friends are all that matter. But that was a performance. It was fake. The truth is I do want marriage. And I love sharing my life with one woman. The reason my relationship failed was because I wouldn't let it be the relationship it was trying to bloom into. I wasn't trusting Bea. I wouldn't stop the performance and I wouldn't completely let her in so rather than take that risk with her I decided that marriage is a scam and all women will let you down but your friends never will. I created a façade to help diminish my cognitive dissonance to dodge the actual root of this failure.
Lately I've lost my desire to join in on guys night. I find myself not responding in the group text. I can see now what a crutch they have been to me. It's fine if they don't want wives and they want to go out every weekend and they like hanging out together. But I need those late night conversations. I need those day dates where we drive out of the city and explore. I need 'sleeping at last' playing while we lay in the candle light. I fucking love that stuff.
And now as I am truly beginning to see this I can honestly say I really want a wife. I love my friends. They are so important to me but they couldn't possibly begin to offer me the type of relationship a wife can. I know it's going to take effort and I know it's going to be horribly scary but I will not make those mistakes I made with Bea again.
I'm tired of watching the things I want for my life pass me by because I'm afraid of failure.
I'm 28. I want someone who knows me and I want to know her deeply. I want to rest in that without performing and without holding back.
Fear of failure fulfills the fear.
Divorce is a horribly scary thing...
but like I said two weeks ago, I can say with certainly that our worst fight doesn't come close to what I feel away from her.
If she ever talks to me again weather that be tomorrow or 25 years from now, I won't make this mistake again. No more walls, no more performances. I want something real. I need it. To not try to impress but rather to live life together.
You kept a distance out of fear you'd break
But what good's a single windchime, hanging quiet all alone?
The music our collisions would make
Is a sound that turns the road that leads us back home, into Home.
The music our collisions make
That's risk
That's love.
Frodo:
It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance.
Gandalf:
Pity? It was pity that stayed Bilbo's hand. Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or ill before this is over. The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many.
Even the very wise cannot see all ends.
I wonder how the flowers for the elderly event went for her this year. I wish I could have been there beside her. I wonder if she will ever know the impact she's made on all of those women throughout these years. What an amazing heart she has.
Kodaline - All I Want