As the Fellowship prepares to leave Lothlórien Galadriel gives each member a gift. She stops at each one and gives them something useful for their journey...Then she arrives at Aragorn.
Galadriel: "I have nothing greater to give, than the gift you already bear. Am meleth dîn. I ant e-guil Arwen Undómiel…pelitha." (For her love, I fear the grace of Arwen Evenstar… will diminish.)
The fellowship is about to go up against the greatest dangers and evils Middle Earth as ever seen does she offer him armor? A sword? Some sort of magical item to help him down the road...nothing. She has nothing greater to give him.
What gift does Aragorn already bear?
Aragorn has a woman who loves him. A woman who, because of her love has chosen to give up immortality in order to be with him. Rather die and love than live without.
...nothing greater to give, than the gift you already bear
Galadriel: "Do not fear, young Peregrin Took. You will find your courage."
I want that gift and I want to offer that love.
I will find my courage.
Bea doesn't see me as a guy with a man bun. She doesn't see me as a guy in grad school to become a teacher. She was there with me as I grew into this man. She sees who I am. She knows the path that lead me to the man I am today. She was with me when I started to fall in love with gardening. She was also taught the parish farming perspective. She understands why I grew the yeard. She knows why I want to teach. She knows why I love the pantry. She knows me and that is so attractive.
The same is true for the way I see her. I know where she has been and how she got where she is now. I knew her when she was in school for farming. I knew her at the coop, the purg, the homestead, Adams Ave. I knew her when her parents lived in Dublin together. I knew her when she applied to city year. I knew her when she baby sat for Lucas. I knew her when she was a home health aid. I knew her when she went on her road trip around the country. I knew her when Rachel hurt her. I knew her when she saw the bird as a machine. I think that is such a special thing. She is more than who she is now. We've grown together. I know the 'why' to Bea and I love that.
She knows the 'why' to Adam. That's special.
I like that she knows the why to the who I am. And I like that I know the why to the who of her beautiful heart.
The longer we spend apart the more we will grow apart. And with that growing also comes a withering. The man I am growing into when she is around me, when she is in my life. That man will wither. The woman she is growing into when she is around me is also withering. I know all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's sad to think the man she would have pushed me to become may never exist. The woman I would have pushed her to become may never exist. These two people will wither. 'Bea' will no longer exist she will only be Kelly, or Biscuit. I may not get to be the father of her children. That's a really sad thought.
She and I have talked before about how when two people love each other the expression of that love creates more love. I hope to one day experience that with her still. I want to be the father of her children. I want her to raise my kids. I want her to do that terrifying goose hand thing when we are driving in the car with our children.
I love her very much so and I let fear control me.
Last week Christian talked about Jesus being baptized and his time in the wilderness. He mentioned how Jesus could have baptized John but that he needed to put himself in that place of vulnerability.
It made me think.
I keep thinking about this past fall.
I keep thinking about the 'why' of me leaving Bea.
I know I have trust issues.
I know I have divorce fears.
I know I have to perform.
I know I have a hard time accepting love.
But something struck me during that sermon and again God I'm not sure if this was You or a random connection in my brain but it feels like You are near.
School was starting for me.
I was going to be crunched for time.
I was going to be pinched for money.
I was going to be put in a very vulnerable place.
I was going to need Bea to be patient with me.
I was going to need Bea to see me in a weak place.
I wasn't going to be in control.
I wasn't going to be able to meet all of her needs
Like trips to Yellow Springs without constantly fearing the homework I had to do.
It was a point in my life where I was going to have to accept the grace of Bea. I was going to have to receive without being able to give back or earn it.
She offered to cook me dinner. She offered to simply sit next to me while I studied
Letting her see me in that vulnerable state... having to simply receive without being able to perform or to show her how impressive I was it killed me.
It disgusted me to think I couldn't give my girlfriend the time and the dates she deserved. I told her I would be too busy. ...That was my reason to break up.
That was my reason...
She told me over and over she wouldn't mind how busy I was.
It wasn't her who it bothered.
It was me.
I couldn't accept the love of Bea without earning it or performing.
I couldn't accept her sitting by me and that being enough.
Cooking me dinner and dropping it off.
Then Jesus went from Galilee to the Jordan River to be baptized by John. But John tried to talk him out of it. “I am the one who needs to be baptized by you,” he said, “so why are you coming to me?” But Jesus said, “It should be done, for we must fulfill all righteousness.” So John agreed to baptize him.
-Matthew 3
To fulfill all righteousness.
To experience God.
God is love.
To experience love.
to fulfill love.
But Adam tried to talk her out of it. I am the one who needs to cook you dinner Bea. I am the one who needs to sit next to you while you do your work.
Because if I can't perform, if she sees the real boring me, she will leave. So I ran.
But it should be done to fulfill love. To allow myself to be served. To allow myself to be loved. No strings. No performing.
Just the woman who loved me asking to be next to me during a stressful time of vulnerability where I have nothing to offer but only to receive.
I missed that.
Do not fear, Adam. You will find your courage.
I miss her. I wish I could give her the opportunity to serve me. To express her love and for me to accept it without performance. To simply sit in her love for me. What would that feel like? I wonder if she wants the same.
For her to know the why to the who and for her to love the vulnerable who.
scary close stuff God. Very scary stuff.
I want to take that risk.
Show me my courage oh God.
Ed Sheeran - I See Fire
Galadriel: "I have nothing greater to give, than the gift you already bear. Am meleth dîn. I ant e-guil Arwen Undómiel…pelitha." (For her love, I fear the grace of Arwen Evenstar… will diminish.)
The fellowship is about to go up against the greatest dangers and evils Middle Earth as ever seen does she offer him armor? A sword? Some sort of magical item to help him down the road...nothing. She has nothing greater to give him.
What gift does Aragorn already bear?
Aragorn has a woman who loves him. A woman who, because of her love has chosen to give up immortality in order to be with him. Rather die and love than live without.
...nothing greater to give, than the gift you already bear
Galadriel: "Do not fear, young Peregrin Took. You will find your courage."
I want that gift and I want to offer that love.
I will find my courage.
Bea doesn't see me as a guy with a man bun. She doesn't see me as a guy in grad school to become a teacher. She was there with me as I grew into this man. She sees who I am. She knows the path that lead me to the man I am today. She was with me when I started to fall in love with gardening. She was also taught the parish farming perspective. She understands why I grew the yeard. She knows why I want to teach. She knows why I love the pantry. She knows me and that is so attractive.
The same is true for the way I see her. I know where she has been and how she got where she is now. I knew her when she was in school for farming. I knew her at the coop, the purg, the homestead, Adams Ave. I knew her when her parents lived in Dublin together. I knew her when she applied to city year. I knew her when she baby sat for Lucas. I knew her when she was a home health aid. I knew her when she went on her road trip around the country. I knew her when Rachel hurt her. I knew her when she saw the bird as a machine. I think that is such a special thing. She is more than who she is now. We've grown together. I know the 'why' to Bea and I love that.
She knows the 'why' to Adam. That's special.
I like that she knows the why to the who I am. And I like that I know the why to the who of her beautiful heart.
The longer we spend apart the more we will grow apart. And with that growing also comes a withering. The man I am growing into when she is around me, when she is in my life. That man will wither. The woman she is growing into when she is around me is also withering. I know all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's sad to think the man she would have pushed me to become may never exist. The woman I would have pushed her to become may never exist. These two people will wither. 'Bea' will no longer exist she will only be Kelly, or Biscuit. I may not get to be the father of her children. That's a really sad thought.
She and I have talked before about how when two people love each other the expression of that love creates more love. I hope to one day experience that with her still. I want to be the father of her children. I want her to raise my kids. I want her to do that terrifying goose hand thing when we are driving in the car with our children.
I love her very much so and I let fear control me.
Last week Christian talked about Jesus being baptized and his time in the wilderness. He mentioned how Jesus could have baptized John but that he needed to put himself in that place of vulnerability.
It made me think.
I keep thinking about this past fall.
I keep thinking about the 'why' of me leaving Bea.
I know I have trust issues.
I know I have divorce fears.
I know I have to perform.
I know I have a hard time accepting love.
But something struck me during that sermon and again God I'm not sure if this was You or a random connection in my brain but it feels like You are near.
School was starting for me.
I was going to be crunched for time.
I was going to be pinched for money.
I was going to be put in a very vulnerable place.
I was going to need Bea to be patient with me.
I was going to need Bea to see me in a weak place.
I wasn't going to be in control.
I wasn't going to be able to meet all of her needs
Like trips to Yellow Springs without constantly fearing the homework I had to do.
It was a point in my life where I was going to have to accept the grace of Bea. I was going to have to receive without being able to give back or earn it.
She offered to cook me dinner. She offered to simply sit next to me while I studied
Letting her see me in that vulnerable state... having to simply receive without being able to perform or to show her how impressive I was it killed me.
It disgusted me to think I couldn't give my girlfriend the time and the dates she deserved. I told her I would be too busy. ...That was my reason to break up.
That was my reason...
She told me over and over she wouldn't mind how busy I was.
It wasn't her who it bothered.
It was me.
I couldn't accept the love of Bea without earning it or performing.
I couldn't accept her sitting by me and that being enough.
Cooking me dinner and dropping it off.
Then Jesus went from Galilee to the Jordan River to be baptized by John. But John tried to talk him out of it. “I am the one who needs to be baptized by you,” he said, “so why are you coming to me?” But Jesus said, “It should be done, for we must fulfill all righteousness.” So John agreed to baptize him.
-Matthew 3
To fulfill all righteousness.
To experience God.
God is love.
To experience love.
to fulfill love.
But Adam tried to talk her out of it. I am the one who needs to cook you dinner Bea. I am the one who needs to sit next to you while you do your work.
Because if I can't perform, if she sees the real boring me, she will leave. So I ran.
But it should be done to fulfill love. To allow myself to be served. To allow myself to be loved. No strings. No performing.
Just the woman who loved me asking to be next to me during a stressful time of vulnerability where I have nothing to offer but only to receive.
I missed that.
Do not fear, Adam. You will find your courage.
I miss her. I wish I could give her the opportunity to serve me. To express her love and for me to accept it without performance. To simply sit in her love for me. What would that feel like? I wonder if she wants the same.
For her to know the why to the who and for her to love the vulnerable who.
scary close stuff God. Very scary stuff.
I want to take that risk.
Show me my courage oh God.
Ed Sheeran - I See Fire