I'm going to try not to dwell on this too much. I already know what a terrible place my brain can be last nights attempt at sleep is proof enough.
Today Bea said goodbye to me. The end of this chapter in my life. It was nearly a year ago that I gave her my virginity. Amazing how much things can change in a year.
I know my damn heart will still play scenarios of her coming back and me getting the chance to fix my fears. These hopeless redemption stories I love so much. I can try to shove this stuff down. I can try to fill my time with other women. But right now the wound is ripped wide open.
I think all the time about feeling alive. My cold runs through the streets, my moments stopping and being present on hikes. Here is one of the loudest reminders I am alive. Nothing hurts like losing someone you love.
And God did I love that woman.
I seem to be holding it together until flashes of memory smash through my veneer.
I'm not going to dodge the pain I'm going to lean into it. I'm going to allow my brain to take me back to those great memories feel their sting.
One of my favorite memories of Bea was when she brought me Cane's while I was in the hospital. She laid next to me as we watched Les Misérables. Everything about that experience should scream terrible memory. Stuck in the hospital with a strangely swelling arm and yet It's one of my favorites. The doctor walking in and telling me he's seen a lot of things in the hospital but a girl sleeping on a chair like that...she must think I'm pretty special.
Her 21st birthday driving to Norwood to see her after her first Parish Farming Internship. Seeing where they planted the potatoes and getting a little too drunk smacking her butt haha.
Sitting on the Coop porch swing on her 20th birthday giving her the dog painting from the coffee shop she said reminded her of Buster. Before that we had eaten pizza at St. Sophia's where Rick helped me surprise her with candles on her pizza.
Lighting all the candles in my bedroom and holding her all through the night. Making her coffee in the morning trying to get her lazy butt to wake up :)
Texting her when her phone didn't have a space button so.each.text.looked.like.this.
Eating oatmeal watching the sunrise on top of the parking garage after listening to All Sons & Daughters over and over again.
Hearing the side door of the Schmachelor Pad slowly open as she would sneak in and cuddle with me some nights. I'd get so excited when I'd hear that door open.
Walking Sadie through the field just north of Lane Ave. Looking into those giant doe eyes. I use to only date girls with blue eyes, then I saw hers.
crawling into her extremely cozy bed in the black mold basement of the homestead.
Sneaking around making a snowman to surprise Linda on her birthday.
Surprising Ed after his house burned down with carols.
Talking in my car until 7am outside of the pantry. Bea would stop get out of the car to squat and pee. I never saw a woman do that until I met her haha. The cops would stop by and tell us to leave.
Those conversations.
Helping her garden at the Godman Guild even as her dress drops low enough to show all the volunteers down her chest.
Hiking with her and her mom as her mom tried to help push her up a rock. Those two together always made me smile but "not too muuuuch"
Trips to Wauseon when she would be so amazed at how quiet it was. And how much she loved the sound of the train.
Driving to Cleveland to see the biggest urban garden in the country.
Eating at firehouse subs with her and her dad.
Trying to ride a bike with her in her old Dublin neighborhood. I still can't believe she got me on it.
Her tickling me as I begged her to stop.
Flowers for the elderly widows on Valentine's eve
When she would cook butternut squash.
That time we prepared dinner at the purg to visit Tony and Stacie.
Hearing Alan and Brian talk about how we need more people like Bea after they went to that concert together.
her laugh
The time she bought me shirts from American Apparel and left them outside my door to surprise me.
When we made that flower pot together and I painted that butt in the bottom of it. She hated that so much.
When we went to the mall with Maria and Tiara.
Going to the park with Lucas and her.
When she made me that journal to read for each day I was in Zambia she asked my friends and family to send pictures to add to the book.
When she gardened with the little girls at Arawak. They were so cold she gave them the blanket out of my trunk and sat with them.
When she would tell me "You're very attractive Adam" that drove me crazy.
When I slept on the floor of the hotel in Cincinnati next to her bed and we held hands.
When I would impersonate Ed and she would laugh so hard she couldn't breathe. I loved making that woman laugh.
So much for not dwelling.
She said she would have stayed in Columbus for me. Wow it's amazing how you can meet someone a complete stranger. And after spending time together the two of you have created something. I didn't know this person even existed in 2010 and by 2015 she was willing to change paths for me. And equally amazing how people can leave your life.
I won't let my brain go down the "what if" path. That's a dark and terrible one. But I do know that I will miss her very much so.
And as much as I wish for "closure" I know my heart will always hold out saying, never say never Adam.
although it was painful texting her today it felt so natural. We know each other so well.
She said
she loved me
I was her best friend
I was family
oh God how I love her.
Today Bea said goodbye to me. The end of this chapter in my life. It was nearly a year ago that I gave her my virginity. Amazing how much things can change in a year.
I know my damn heart will still play scenarios of her coming back and me getting the chance to fix my fears. These hopeless redemption stories I love so much. I can try to shove this stuff down. I can try to fill my time with other women. But right now the wound is ripped wide open.
I think all the time about feeling alive. My cold runs through the streets, my moments stopping and being present on hikes. Here is one of the loudest reminders I am alive. Nothing hurts like losing someone you love.
And God did I love that woman.
I seem to be holding it together until flashes of memory smash through my veneer.
I'm not going to dodge the pain I'm going to lean into it. I'm going to allow my brain to take me back to those great memories feel their sting.
One of my favorite memories of Bea was when she brought me Cane's while I was in the hospital. She laid next to me as we watched Les Misérables. Everything about that experience should scream terrible memory. Stuck in the hospital with a strangely swelling arm and yet It's one of my favorites. The doctor walking in and telling me he's seen a lot of things in the hospital but a girl sleeping on a chair like that...she must think I'm pretty special.
Her 21st birthday driving to Norwood to see her after her first Parish Farming Internship. Seeing where they planted the potatoes and getting a little too drunk smacking her butt haha.
Sitting on the Coop porch swing on her 20th birthday giving her the dog painting from the coffee shop she said reminded her of Buster. Before that we had eaten pizza at St. Sophia's where Rick helped me surprise her with candles on her pizza.
Lighting all the candles in my bedroom and holding her all through the night. Making her coffee in the morning trying to get her lazy butt to wake up :)
Texting her when her phone didn't have a space button so.each.text.looked.like.this.
Eating oatmeal watching the sunrise on top of the parking garage after listening to All Sons & Daughters over and over again.
Hearing the side door of the Schmachelor Pad slowly open as she would sneak in and cuddle with me some nights. I'd get so excited when I'd hear that door open.
Walking Sadie through the field just north of Lane Ave. Looking into those giant doe eyes. I use to only date girls with blue eyes, then I saw hers.
crawling into her extremely cozy bed in the black mold basement of the homestead.
Sneaking around making a snowman to surprise Linda on her birthday.
Surprising Ed after his house burned down with carols.
Talking in my car until 7am outside of the pantry. Bea would stop get out of the car to squat and pee. I never saw a woman do that until I met her haha. The cops would stop by and tell us to leave.
Those conversations.
Helping her garden at the Godman Guild even as her dress drops low enough to show all the volunteers down her chest.
Hiking with her and her mom as her mom tried to help push her up a rock. Those two together always made me smile but "not too muuuuch"
Trips to Wauseon when she would be so amazed at how quiet it was. And how much she loved the sound of the train.
Driving to Cleveland to see the biggest urban garden in the country.
Eating at firehouse subs with her and her dad.
Trying to ride a bike with her in her old Dublin neighborhood. I still can't believe she got me on it.
Her tickling me as I begged her to stop.
Flowers for the elderly widows on Valentine's eve
When she would cook butternut squash.
That time we prepared dinner at the purg to visit Tony and Stacie.
Hearing Alan and Brian talk about how we need more people like Bea after they went to that concert together.
her laugh
The time she bought me shirts from American Apparel and left them outside my door to surprise me.
When we made that flower pot together and I painted that butt in the bottom of it. She hated that so much.
When we went to the mall with Maria and Tiara.
Going to the park with Lucas and her.
When she made me that journal to read for each day I was in Zambia she asked my friends and family to send pictures to add to the book.
When she gardened with the little girls at Arawak. They were so cold she gave them the blanket out of my trunk and sat with them.
When she would tell me "You're very attractive Adam" that drove me crazy.
When I slept on the floor of the hotel in Cincinnati next to her bed and we held hands.
When I would impersonate Ed and she would laugh so hard she couldn't breathe. I loved making that woman laugh.
So much for not dwelling.
She said she would have stayed in Columbus for me. Wow it's amazing how you can meet someone a complete stranger. And after spending time together the two of you have created something. I didn't know this person even existed in 2010 and by 2015 she was willing to change paths for me. And equally amazing how people can leave your life.
I won't let my brain go down the "what if" path. That's a dark and terrible one. But I do know that I will miss her very much so.
And as much as I wish for "closure" I know my heart will always hold out saying, never say never Adam.
although it was painful texting her today it felt so natural. We know each other so well.
She said
she loved me
I was her best friend
I was family
oh God how I love her.