Another night stuck laying in my bed unable to sleep.
I'll stay awake,
cause the dark's not taking prisoners tonight
God writing on here always seems so therapeutic.
I saw Bea today.
I tried as hard as I could not to but my eyes couldn't help themselves.
She looked great too.
I kept telling myself I didn't see her. She's not there.
oh God I wanted to walk up to her grab her shoulders look her right in those giant doe eyes and say, Please don't go Bea. Stay with me. I'll move to the mountains with you once I finish school. I just want to be by your side.
But I didn't, I couldn't honestly, she doesn't want me to and it would have been selfish. So I turned my head and acted like she wasn't there...soon enough I suppose she won't be there. She'll be in the mountains.
I can't sleep my brain keeps replaying last year. I see all of it now.
Valentine's when I tried to surprise her with the flowers. I wanted to impress her. I wanted everything to be perfect for her.
The drive to Colorado. I wanted to make great time and impress her and her mom. I wanted to appear perfect. Even stopping in KC I wanted to find the coolest spot to impress her. Even when the car died I wanted to be strong enough to push the car and solve the problem for her. The light rail fight. I wanted to show her I could get her home and impress her.
When we thought we were pregnant I was so afraid. We weren't married, I wasn't making a lot of money. I wouldn't have been able to give her everything she and our baby deserved. I wanted a perfect start for our child.
Not being there when she was moving. I failed. I showed her I was human. I tried everything to make it up to her begging her to give me things to move things to build. But she saw me mess up. I let her down.
Once school started I couldn't take her on adventures. Day trips to yellowsprings. I couldn't give her the time I wanted. I couldn't impress her like I wanted.
All of these huge fights that I saw as the reasons we weren't good together, it was me performing. She didn't care about the flowers. She didn't care about making good time to Denver. She didn't care how much money I made. She did feel hurt when I didn't help her move but it wasn't because I didn't move enough stuff or accomplish enough. It's because she didn't feel like she was a priority to me. And she didn't care how busy I was with school. She offered to make me dinner. She surprised me with Chestnuts and a note...
She really did love me.
I was so afraid if I didn't impress her. If I wasn't this man who kept sweeping her off her feet then she wouldn't want to be with me. She would find someone better.
But all she wanted to do was lay beside me and watch Grey's Anatomy. It was never about me being perfect. It was never about me always being so interesting. She wanted to be a part of those things. She wanted us to do those things together. She wasn't impressed by how well I could figure out the light rail map or how far I could drive in a day. She just straight up loved me. That was it. She saw who I was and I was enough. She wanted to do life with me.
She wasn't going to leave me for another guy. She didn't want one. She wanted me. I tried to put on this perfect performance for her. I wanted all her friends to think I was great. I wanted her family to think I was great.
When her friends didn't like me. When I couldn't perform. When she wasn't impressed with me trying to take control of everything and show her how amazing I was. I ran.
How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so blind? Now I even remember Toni telling me this stuff years ago I remember hearing the words but I couldn't see what she saw. Even when Bea was always so hesitant to date me I always thought it was because I wasn't performing well enough for her to want to be my gf. But it was because I started to perform once we dated.
Even reading scary close with her I couldn't see. I was blind.
Bea never cared how messing the relationship was. She never cared if I didn't know what the hell I was doing. She just wanted to be a part of it. She wanted to do it together. Fuck she didn't even care if we were pregnant she just wanted us to do it together.
I wasn't performing perfectly so we must not be right for each other. She can see how many times I make mistakes and how much I don't know. I need to run now before we end up married and she realizes I'm not this perfect man and divorces me
God, I once was blind but now I see.
Doing life together. Seeing eachother's faults and helping the other grow. That sounds so much better than what I was trying. I saw all of Bea's flaws and I never minded a single one of them. But I couldn't understand that she saw the same in me and felt the same.
Damn she looked great today.
I wanted to ask her what she thought about the evangelism sermon. About the business cards they asked us to pass out. Talking about the number of people we could get in the building. I just wanted to listen to her thoughts. Instead I performed. Acted like I didn't see her and I didn't notice.
I'm so afraid of divorce...but I'm starting to wonder which is worse?
The man who steps out takes the risk and ends up with the scar
Or the man who never tries because he's afraid he will fail
Her dad may be divorced and he may have made many mistakes but that man took the risk and I can respect that.
I think that love is so much easier than you realize
If you can give yourself to someone, then you should.
Coldplay - What If
I'll stay awake,
cause the dark's not taking prisoners tonight
God writing on here always seems so therapeutic.
I saw Bea today.
I tried as hard as I could not to but my eyes couldn't help themselves.
She looked great too.
I kept telling myself I didn't see her. She's not there.
oh God I wanted to walk up to her grab her shoulders look her right in those giant doe eyes and say, Please don't go Bea. Stay with me. I'll move to the mountains with you once I finish school. I just want to be by your side.
But I didn't, I couldn't honestly, she doesn't want me to and it would have been selfish. So I turned my head and acted like she wasn't there...soon enough I suppose she won't be there. She'll be in the mountains.
I can't sleep my brain keeps replaying last year. I see all of it now.
Valentine's when I tried to surprise her with the flowers. I wanted to impress her. I wanted everything to be perfect for her.
The drive to Colorado. I wanted to make great time and impress her and her mom. I wanted to appear perfect. Even stopping in KC I wanted to find the coolest spot to impress her. Even when the car died I wanted to be strong enough to push the car and solve the problem for her. The light rail fight. I wanted to show her I could get her home and impress her.
When we thought we were pregnant I was so afraid. We weren't married, I wasn't making a lot of money. I wouldn't have been able to give her everything she and our baby deserved. I wanted a perfect start for our child.
Not being there when she was moving. I failed. I showed her I was human. I tried everything to make it up to her begging her to give me things to move things to build. But she saw me mess up. I let her down.
Once school started I couldn't take her on adventures. Day trips to yellowsprings. I couldn't give her the time I wanted. I couldn't impress her like I wanted.
All of these huge fights that I saw as the reasons we weren't good together, it was me performing. She didn't care about the flowers. She didn't care about making good time to Denver. She didn't care how much money I made. She did feel hurt when I didn't help her move but it wasn't because I didn't move enough stuff or accomplish enough. It's because she didn't feel like she was a priority to me. And she didn't care how busy I was with school. She offered to make me dinner. She surprised me with Chestnuts and a note...
She really did love me.
I was so afraid if I didn't impress her. If I wasn't this man who kept sweeping her off her feet then she wouldn't want to be with me. She would find someone better.
But all she wanted to do was lay beside me and watch Grey's Anatomy. It was never about me being perfect. It was never about me always being so interesting. She wanted to be a part of those things. She wanted us to do those things together. She wasn't impressed by how well I could figure out the light rail map or how far I could drive in a day. She just straight up loved me. That was it. She saw who I was and I was enough. She wanted to do life with me.
She wasn't going to leave me for another guy. She didn't want one. She wanted me. I tried to put on this perfect performance for her. I wanted all her friends to think I was great. I wanted her family to think I was great.
When her friends didn't like me. When I couldn't perform. When she wasn't impressed with me trying to take control of everything and show her how amazing I was. I ran.
How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so blind? Now I even remember Toni telling me this stuff years ago I remember hearing the words but I couldn't see what she saw. Even when Bea was always so hesitant to date me I always thought it was because I wasn't performing well enough for her to want to be my gf. But it was because I started to perform once we dated.
Even reading scary close with her I couldn't see. I was blind.
Bea never cared how messing the relationship was. She never cared if I didn't know what the hell I was doing. She just wanted to be a part of it. She wanted to do it together. Fuck she didn't even care if we were pregnant she just wanted us to do it together.
I wasn't performing perfectly so we must not be right for each other. She can see how many times I make mistakes and how much I don't know. I need to run now before we end up married and she realizes I'm not this perfect man and divorces me
God, I once was blind but now I see.
Doing life together. Seeing eachother's faults and helping the other grow. That sounds so much better than what I was trying. I saw all of Bea's flaws and I never minded a single one of them. But I couldn't understand that she saw the same in me and felt the same.
Damn she looked great today.
I wanted to ask her what she thought about the evangelism sermon. About the business cards they asked us to pass out. Talking about the number of people we could get in the building. I just wanted to listen to her thoughts. Instead I performed. Acted like I didn't see her and I didn't notice.
I'm so afraid of divorce...but I'm starting to wonder which is worse?
The man who steps out takes the risk and ends up with the scar
Or the man who never tries because he's afraid he will fail
Her dad may be divorced and he may have made many mistakes but that man took the risk and I can respect that.
I think that love is so much easier than you realize
If you can give yourself to someone, then you should.
Coldplay - What If