But there is a great difference between Adam’s sin and God’s gracious gift. For the sin of this one man, Adam, brought death to many. But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of forgiveness to many through this other man, Jesus Christ.
-Romans 5:15
No one here cares if you go or you stay.
I barely even noticed that you were away.
I'll see you or I won't, whatever.
He says "Love, I'm sorry", and she says, "What for?"
"I'm yours and that's it, whatever.
I should not have been gone for so long.
I'm yours and that's it, forever."
You're mine and that's it, forever.
I wonder who she will become.
Will she pursue social work?
Will she farm?
Will she become a nurse?
Will she sell her art work?
Will she hike the AT this spring?
Will she move to Denver?
Will she open a coffee shop with a bad pun name?
Will we ever talk again?
Will we get back together?
Will she hike the PCT?
Will she still love the homeless?
Will she garden?
Which path she chooses doesn't matter because she will be the one walking it so it will be an amazing path. She always had such a hard time deciding what to do with her life but I hope she realizes that purpose isn't found in the what, but in the why and the how.
People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind,
people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful,
you will win some false friends and some true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank,
people may cheat you.
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building,
someone could destroy overnight.
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough.
Give the best you've got anyway.
You see,
in the final analysis it is between you and God;
it was never between you and them anyway.
The mystery of human existence lies not in just staying alive, but in finding something to live for.
Besides, nowadays, almost all capable people are terribly afraid of being ridiculous, and are miserable because of it.
How rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist.
She still hasn't opened that snapchat I sent her. It's becoming clearer and clearer now as the end of lent approaches. But I continue to hold out for hope.
I hope she guards that beautiful heart of hers, what a gift to this planet it is.
I hope she wants to build a life with me to continue our story, to grow together.
Treebeard: I believe you will enjoy this next one, too. It is one of my own compositions. Ahem. 'Beneath the roof of sleeping leaves and dreams of trees untold, When woodland halls are green and cool, and the wind is in the west, Come back to me
Come back to me,
And say my land is best.'
Come back to me and say my land is best.
I want to hold her at night. I want the spring air blowing in the window. The only light from candles softly illuminating her dark brown eyes. I want to hear her ask me to hold her so tight. I wrap my arms around her as tight as I can when I begin to relax she protests with a demanding 'no' and I wrap her tighter still. I want her hands on my stomach as she tells me how attractive I am. My hands, one gripping her thigh the other on that beautiful face as I pull her close to kiss her. I want to kiss her soft neck, her fingers in my hair and down my back. Her hands on my butt before they move up to pull my tuft of hair. I want to stop and look her in those eyes, just stay in that moment. Hold it there like a photograph our bodies so close and our eyes meeting. In that moment, in that silent spring air with the candles burning slowly, Sleeping at Last playing softly I want to tell her again, I Love You Bea. With all of my attention on her and hers on me, in that moment that's when I want to tell her. Nothing on the planet, in the galaxy, in the universe but her and me. I want to take both my hands around her face and pull her lips to mine. Kiss her long and hard. I want her head resting on my chest as I run my fingers through her brown hair. Her hand moving towards my arm pit and I beg her not to tickle me. I grab her arm and try in my most stern voice to tell her to stop. But she gives me that gorgeous devious grin and lunges to tickle and I can't stop squirming and I'm trying to hard to beg her to stop until I am completely out of breath. Finally after enough petitions she concedes to my request and shows me mercy. She would rest her head again on my chest, "Adam, I feel so safe with you" She would say. "Adam can you hold me tighter?" my heart turns to ice cream in August when she makes the request. "Adam, do you like me?" I want her to look up towards me, my hand on her cheek, and tell her "Bea, You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I love You so much, yes Bea, I like you." I want to call her family. I want to fall asleep with her in my arms spooning so tight until the sun pesters us that there is more than just this moment in the universe. I want to hear her half awake demands that I never leave the bed as I attempt to slip out to make her some coffee. I want to kiss her no matter the morning breath because to kiss her is so much more than a sensory stimulation. It's an expression when my words fail me and my brain isn't capable of processing all my heart feels. When only a kiss can truly articulate exactly how that moment makes me feel in the morning sun. When she stresses about her family, when she stresses about her friends, when she stresses about her future I want to press her so tightly into my chest and tell her "I'm here, I'm for you, and I will never ever leave again. I will go to the mountains with you. I want to take all your stress and worries and I want to carry them for you but I can't. All I can do is be present and kiss you. But Bea I know everything will be fine because I know how wise you are and how brave you are and you have the best fucking heart I've ever encountered." I want to sit up in the bed with the morning noises coming through the open window and I want her head on my chest her eyes up at mine and I want that moment. I want time to stand completely still.
A moment was the most you could ever expect from perfection.
I know I've had that moment several times God but I want more. I want a lot more.
I want those mornings when I'm a teacher.
I want those mornings when she's 40.
I want those mornings in a tent on a mountain.
I want those mornings across the ocean.
I want those mornings until our kids burst through the door and join us.
I want those mornings until Sadie jumps on the bed and crushes our legs under her massive weight
I want those mornings.
I want them very much so God.
I miss Bea.
Beneath the roof of sleeping leaves and dreams of trees untold, When woodland halls are green and cool, and the wind is in the west, Come back to me
Come back to me, And say my land is best.
I made it without texting her the entire day. Thanks to a bottle of wine with Travis and some texting with Claire. I have some really great friends.
I think good friends can add flavor to life
But great friends can bring out the fullness of life.
I think what I have always lacked in family I have found in friends.
These people are my family and I feel so blessed to have them in my life.
Claire is right. I've done what I could.
I told Bea I missed her and she heard me.
I've done what I could and I need to know if she wants it anymore.
Yes it feels like a huge loss to me but there are two sides to every coin.
This is a loss to Bea also.
I miss her.
But I am so thankful for my friends Claire is a really great friend and she has kind words to me. I wanted to remember them here.
How badly I want to text her and wish her a happy birthday right now.
She texted me on my birthday...
Can't I on hers?
But the only reason I would, would be to have some sort of contact with her.
That would compromise her freedom.
I'd only text her in hopes she would express how much she misses me.
But she said she isn't confused and I need to respect that.
I made it very clear in January that I miss her, anything more would be selfish.
Toni always asked me if I trusted her and I did my best God.
Toni would tell me to trust her to make her own choices.
I need to do that. I need to trust and respect her choices whatever they may be.
I think that is what is meant when the bible says love never fails.
trusting and respecting her choices and freedom wherever they lead her is how I express my love for her now.
Doesn't stop me from holding on to hope, I have the freedom to make that choice.
If she wanted to talk to me, she has my number.
If she wanted to text me she has the freedom and choice.
I wish she wanted me to text her but... that is where my freedom ends and hers begins.
I wonder if she does.
Without our freedom what is left of us?
Without choosing, what is left of love?
Gandalf: From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak I fought with the Balrog of Morgoth. Until at last I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountain side. Darkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time. The stars wheeled overhead, and every day was as long as a life age of the earth. But it was not the end. I felt life in me again.
After I tried to push her away and she stayed
After she called me family
After I ran
I got on tinder and started to cope and self medicate with some shallow safe distance relationships.
Over 100 matches
a different date each weekend
each less interesting than the last
But none of them knew me.
I'm tired of that shallow stuff.
It's so safe and it gives that hallow temporary feeling of surface affection.
This season of lent has been killing me.
God, you've been revealing all of my flaws all my fears all my insecurities.
And I miss Bea so much.
And I see what I couldn't see then.
And I'm finally out of that terrible season from 2015.
But in this place of vulnerability all I want to do is get back out there and get some shallow worth out of those strangers who just think I'm hott.
I get hit on by women I work with
I get numbers of girls at bars
I go to my friend's small group and women ask about me when I leave
It just makes me so frustrated
The one woman who actually knows me, the one woman I want to give me attention, isn't.
I check out this new small group and they ask if anyone comes to mind when you hear the word compassion. And I can't stop thinking about Bea's heart. We talk about being compassionate and all I can think is I wonder what Bea would have to say about this, or rather I know what she would say but I'd love to hear her say it. I want to go to small group with her listen to her discuss and open her heart to others.
I meet knew women and they ask me about myself and I tell them about the garden, I tell them about the preschool, grad school, I tell them about the pantry, and it just feels so wrong. I don't want to share that stuff with other women. I want to do that stuff with Bea. The other women give me those responses "oh that's so cool" "oh you have such a big heart" but they don't fucking know me. It feels like I'm using the passions in my life to pick up women and it feels terribly wrong. I'm working on being vulnerable around more people but it feels wrong. I want to keep all the things I feel passionately about to myself. I only want Bea to know about them to talk about them with me to work beside me. Why doesn't she want to garden beside me?
All these dates, all these other girls, they are nice and attractive
But God they aren't her.
They don't have that smile
They don't have that laugh
Those brown eyes
That brown hair it looks great whether it's long, short, bangs, up, down, ugh she's fucking beautiful, so sexy!
They don't have that heart of hers.
That heart of hers, the one who makes friends at the pantry
The one who picks up random dogs on a road trip
The one that plays the ukulele and makes me cry
The one that would press against my chest when she was happy
The one that would paint the most beautiful art
The one that would connect with Linden McKinley kids
The one that would leave flowers for elderly widows
The one that would leave me hidden notes
The one that would instantly make friends with city year people
That beautiful fucking heart God.
God I know no one will love her as much as I can.
And I think she knows this too, I think she feels the same.
And I don't want to give my love to someone else.
I'm not doing it anymore.
Had I not been medicating and running like that I would have listened to the woman I love in the first place.
Claire could see it. I feel so dumb it seems like everyone around me can see my flaws but me.
I'll sit in this season with You God.
I want to experience that next level of Love.
I want to get to that point that I always do and this time I want to stand firm in it, no more running, no more walls.
I want to be messy and known
not hott and false
I pray that I could experience that next stage with Bea. It's who I've always wanted to share it with, it's who I've been the most afraid to show. What if she rejected me? How could I handle that? But she called me family. I'd move to the mountains for that woman. I'd ride a roller coaster for her, a bike. She didn't care if I showed weakness screaming at cedar point like an idiot. She didn't care if I crashed the bike. She didn't care if I just sat and studied for hours. She didn't care if I couldn't afford fancy dates. It was always me who cared about how I looked. It was always this vulnerability and failure shit inside of me. She saw me...and she called me family.
family God.
She really did love me. And I have hope she does still.
I watched Lilo and Stitch with Claire the other night. During the movie I felt You speak to me God.
Lilo:
"Ohana" means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.
Bea said I was family and I left her behind.
What the fuck do I know about family?
I was raised by two people who slept in different rooms
Watched TV in different rooms
never showed emotions or expressed themselves.
What do I know about family?
Intimacy?
Vulnerability?
I was raised by TV shows and older kids on the bus.
Dad left for work before anyone was awake and was asleep on the couch before 7pm. My dad was my boss in high school. I felt like more of an employee than a son.
In high school my mother and I fought a lot so my mom typed up a letter left it in my room saying maybe we should just stay away from each other. I still have that typed letter. She didn't even write it with her own hand...she didn't even sit down and talk to me...
Ohana?
Family?
The fuck I know about family?
Family means don't express yourself
Family means keep it to yourself
Family means don't fail
Family means don't show vulnerability
Family means eat dinner with the TV on
Family means don't go to Thanksgiving anymore if you disagree with a family member.
This isn't the life I want.
I want to love with the intimacy and vulnerability of the heart of Jesus.
I want to hold nothing back for my wife and children.
How do I do that?
I wasn't taught how.
How do I stay when I want to run?
How do I let someone see who I am?
How do I receive love?
I'm tired of hiding.
I'm tired of running.
I want real love.
I've always been so cynical of Christian couples getting married so quickly so young. Now I see that those people had the luxury of understanding ohana.
They aren't fools for getting married. Rather they know what it takes, what they want, and they aren't afraid because they trust when the other person tells them they love them.
They don't leave people behind. It's what family means.
It's so hard for me to open up to someone, when I see a couple get married I assume they don't know the struggle of intimacy. But the reality is they understand it more than I do. It isn't that difficult for them. It's scary but they know it's worth the risk. Opening up and being vulnerable, failing, looking ugly, it isn't the worst thing in the world to these people they trust.
I wonder what that feels like.
Bea always said I love marriage. Maybe I love it too much.
I think I see now why I'm so intrigued by it. Because it feels impossible for me but yet I watch countless people do it everyday. I want it but I don't know how. Marriage fascinates me. I have a deep desire for it a curiosity of what that love from another person feels like. With that comes a deep fear of actually trying it.
"Ohana" means family.
Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.
Bea called me family. How could I not see what she was saying, what she was offering me.
Family means nobody shows weakness
That's what I heard when she called me family
And all I had to offer her was weakness
No time
No money
Stress of grad school
I fucking ran.
Well I know what family means now.
I may not experience it with my family, I may not have ever experienced it in my life. I keep everyone at that safe distance. Bea was the closest, and I let that go.
But family is what I want in my life.
I know what it means now and I will never leave family behind again.
Family means nobody gets left behind even if they are vulnerable, poor, addicted, afraid, a burden, ugly, politically different, dependent, ...broken.
Failure teaches us that life is but a draft, a long rehearsal for a show that will never play.
-Hipolito
Tyler was pulling driftwood logs out of the surf and dragging them up the beach. In the wet sand, he’d already planted a half circle of logs so they stood a few inches apart and as tall as his eyes. There were four logs, and when I woke up, I watched Tyler pull a fifth log up the beach. Tyler dug a hole under one end of the log, then lifted the other end until the log slid into the hole and stood there at a slight angle. You wake up at the beach. We were the only people on the beach. With a stick, Tyler drew a straight line in the sand several feet away. Tyler went back to straighten the log by stamping sand around its base. I was the only person watching this. Tyler called over, “Do you know what time it is?” I always wear a watch, “Do you know what time it is?” I asked, where? “Right here,” Tyler said. “Right now.” It was 4:06 P.M. After a while, Tyler sat cross-legged in the shadow of the standing logs. Tyler sat for a few minutes, got up and took a swim, pulled on a T-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, and started to leave. I had to ask. I had to know what Tyler was doing while I was asleep. If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? I asked if Tyler was an artist. Tyler shrugged and showed me how the five standing logs were wider at the base. Tyler showed me the line he’d drawn in the sand, and how he’d used the line to gauge the shadow cast by each log. Sometimes, you wake up and have to ask where you are. What Tyler had created was the shadow of a giant hand. Only now the fingers were Nosferatu-long and the thumb was too short, but he said how at exactly four-thirty the hand was perfect. The giant shadow hand was perfect for one minute, and for one perfect minute Tyler had sat in the palm of a perfection he’d created himself. You wake up, and you’re nowhere. One minute was enough Tyler said, a person had to work hard for it, but a minute of perfection was worth the effort. A moment was the most you could ever expect from perfection.
-Fight Club Chapter 3
One minute was enough. A person had to work hard for it, but a minute of perfection was worth the effort. A moment was the most you could ever expect from perfection.
Life is a draft.
We are dust.
a moment is all we have.
a moment of perfection is the most we could expect
and it is enough.
I had some beautifully perfect moments with Bea.
If she never talks to me again...a moment is the most I could have expected. And I am thankful to have known her.
But for this moment I will let my heart hope.
I will continue to pray. To hope she misses me as much as I her.
I will ask You for more moments many many more although I'm grateful for the ones I've been given.
She didn't show how much she wanted to be with me until I was ready to quit.
I now know she wanted it then. I pray that she still does.
I hope she shows that one more time. I won't let it go.
It's what my heart continues to hope for.
Isn't that what we all hope for?
To know that the love we feel is mutually felt?
All the personality tests and astrology signs...
I miss her
Another Sunday
Lent draws closer and closer to Easter
Today marks the halfway point of this season.
I miss her God.
I miss Bea
She was elusive. She was today. She was tomorrow. She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl. We did not know what to make of her. In our minds we tried to pin her to a cork board like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew.
As the work fell easily into the familiar rhythm of gardening Lutum's eyes kept flashing to the West. As if looking at something he shouldn't he'd force them back towards the rich black soil as his darkening finger would plunge another hole. Row after row the steps of his feet the panting of Cedes' breath created a sort of beat.
"Do you hear that Lutum? That song, just as the Earth below us has a rhythm so do we when we join it in the sacred art of sewing. Our breath, our steps, our hearts all syncing to the song of life. It has been playing long before you and I were born and it will continue long after I am gone."
Lutum could still hear his father's words as clear as day in his wondering mind. He could still recall his side parted brown hair blowing in the wind. His strong wrinkled fingers pushing into the soil watching as his father's arm would raise and lower towards the dirt like a piston in an engine. The longer he worked the more his arms would become covered in earth. It wasn't long before his father's arm started to look more like part of the plants and less like his own. The veins in his forearm would flex, those intricate patters pumping blood harder and harder as he labored. Grapevine arms, that's what Lutum always thought of them as. Covered in hair and swinging in the wind. His father's bright white smile as he would turn his head to meet eyes with his beloved son.
"Another row done," His smile would say as the bones of his jaw motioned up and down, the skin of his face stretched tightly over them. Lutum looked down at his arm, "Ossis' arm" he said with a pant as he finished another row. My father's arm has become my own, or is it the other way around? As the sun ceaselessly climbed higher the tiny silver needles of ice began to disappear. Sweat started to collect on the back of his neck and around his forehead. Lutum stopped for a moment shook his hair back out of his face raised his chin. "Whew how you doing old girl?" With the same tilted grin Ossis use to give him. Cedes licked her nose and let out an exhausted prolonged snort. As Lutum pulled his hair behind his head into a bun tying it firmly he pushed his chin into the dog's ear laughing. "Isn't this the best day of the year?!"
It wasn't long before Lutum and Cedes weren't the only two in the city awake. The surrounding districts began their slow grind. The trots of horse shoes could be heard from the north as people traveled toward their trades. The scrap yard west of Lutum was clanging and rattling louder each minute. Across the river to the East the sun had made it completely over the buildings of the industrial district. Lutum didn't mind the noise it was a reminder why he does what he does. Purpose being pulled back into his thoughts always outweighed the tragically unmelodious sounds of the city.
"Just as these plants didn't plan on being eaten so our friends in the city didn't plan on their stomachs getting hungry. Everyone has to eat Lutum don't ask me why but rather...ask me how." Ossis would tell his son with a grin. "The people of our city didn't ask to get hungry why should they pay a price for the remedy? Our produce is freely offered in combination of the dirt rain and sun and so it shall be freely offered from our hands which have grown by the same means."
Again Lutum's eyes pulled West this time he allowed them to hang there for a moment. Just beyond the scrap yard were the gravel grounds. And beyond that, the Shadow lands. Darker than any night stretching further than anyone knew the Shadow lands. He raised his old mug to his lips but as he tipped it all the way back his tongue received no morning bean brew. Setting the cup down with a soft grace his work continued tirelessly. The hours flew by Lutum stopped once once at noon for his lunch. The same as it was everyday. He would pace down past the cellar doors open a jar of whichever harvest was next on the shelf. Walking back up the steps feeling the boards flex beneath him Lutum would look up towards the light of day. He imagined himself as a sprout pushing its way past the shell through the soil and finally at the final step, the surface.
In the middle of the garden district there stood a massive chestnut tree. It could be seen from anywhere in the city. It was by far the tallest structure. The tree was older than anyone could possibly know. That is where Lutum preferred his lunch everyday. Resting under its massive limbs working itself closer to the sun Lutum enjoyed the shade. The tree had yet to bloom for the season but under the right limb at just the right time of day and the tree still served as a perfect parasol. He pulled out a wooden spoon cracked the seal of the jar and began to dig in. Cedes sat patiently by his side. When the jar was half full he turned it over to Cedes to finish the job.
After the meal Lutum went back to work in the Southwest corner. As the sun began to approach the Shadow lands Lutum heard the sound of hoofs approaching the garden. "You're still working?!" a voice shouted from on top of the horse.
"I need to finish this corner today is..."
"Today is the first day of spring yeah yeah we all know thanks to you."
A tall curly dark haired man hopped off of the horse and tied it to the nearest post. He walked over to Lutum surveying his work with his brown eyes.
"Looks finished to me lets grab some mead at a pub"
"You always want to go to the Gut. don't you ever get tired of the same old routine each night?"
"Lutum, you're one to give lessons on breaking habits. You'd die if you tried to break your routine."
"Totally different. My routine has purpose. A cause."
"Am I about to hear Ossis' speech about the good citizens of Terraporum not paying for the "remedy of their hunger" again? hurry up let's get some drinks today's work is done I've got my denarii in my pocket and it's begging to turn to booze!"
"I haven't even set out tonight's pick up for Coramare to deliver tomorrow morning."
"Lutum, no one eats your food. Everyone buys the stuff from the market you know the sugary salty stuff, tastes better and it's a lot easier. LET'S GO! You haven't seen another human all day it would be good for you to at least be around people."
"People eat my harvests Doceo. If you really want me to go downtown I'd have to get the boat out..."
"Oh my deus! Just ride with me, horses are so much faster! Everything you do has to be so complicated. You could just sell the rest of the garden land and move closer too you know."
Lutum stood up wiped his brow and stepped towards Doceo
"I'm not using an animal to make my life easier and I'm surely not selling the earth my father has worked his whole life."
"Calm it down preacher, It's just been a long day. They had me swinging a hammer and that is some terrible work. Fine take your boat I'll see you there when the sun comes up."
"Doceo I'm not going. I have to be up tomorrow to work on the next corner of the land. Each day I miss is a day of sun wasted."
"Seriously Lutum, you're going to make me drink alone again?"
"You'll hardly be alone I'm sure."
"Fine I guess you won't get to meet the new girl in town..." Doceo started to smirk as that sentence finished.
"Are you trying to convince me to go to this pub... or yourself? Definitely not interested in spending another evening watching you flirt with a woman while I end up being the one drinking alone."
"You won't find me talking to her. She made it pretty clear to me last night she didn't want anything to do with me. The nerve of her assuming I just wanted sex."
Lutum couldn't help but laugh at that comment
"HA that is exactly what you were trying to do I'm sure! You're just upset she called you out. She does sound like my kind of girl."
Doceo offended, crossed his arms following Lutum towards his house.
"I don't just want sex..."
Lutum kept walking
"Never the mind, I don't need this, I ride all the way down to this empty part of town to extend an invitation to a night of fun and possibly new love and you insult me?"
Lutum started to feel a bit guilty Doceo's words began to wear him thin. He stopped at the porch of his house and turned, "Who's the new girl?"
"I don't know I just noticed her last night. I tried to introduce myself but she wasn't having it. She was sitting at the bar next to Vasilias the whole night."
"Vasilias? what was she doing next to that drunk?"
"I don't know but Vasilias loved a new set of ears to talk to. Lutum are you in or not tonight? I'm getting thirsty!"
"I already gave you my answer. I need to prep for the pick up and I smell worse than Cedes. I'm in for the night. Go have fun and tell Attentess I said hi."
"I'm not going to hook up with her tonight...whatever you're missing out. I'll swing by to try again tomorrow. You're drinking with me at least one night this week."
Doceo untied his horse and swung around on top of it. With a kick of his heels he was off towards the lights of the city.
