95 months
Today is her youngest brother's birthday. It stings to not be a part of the family anymore.
The longer you know someone - and the longer you allow someone to know you - the more the light and shadows inside each person become more vivid.
-Joy Williams
Poison & Wine - The Civil Wars
You only know what I want I you to
I know everything you don't want me to
your mouth is poison your mouth is wine
you think your dreams are the same as mine
I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
well the less I give the more I get back
your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice, but I'd still choose you
I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
She saw me, she didn't see my shame, my failures, my sin, aside from You she is the only one who knows me. She invested time and love into me for a third of our lives, because she is the only human to do that with me she is the only human who can fully love me.
Or in this case fully reject me.
Thus her love feels greater than anything of this world.
Yet,her rejection afflicts deeper than anything of this world.
She demanded nothing, I tried to be everything, I've become nothing to her.
She's always known my heart. I could look her in the eyes and she would know exactly what I was feeling. I remember her comment nearly two years ago on another blog of mine. She knows me. We shared the same dreams for our future. At least I thought her dreams were the same as mine.
Why does it have to hurt? Why do I have to feel pain because of her choice not even my own.
I gave her all my ἔρως I have none left to give to another woman.
My storge is only for family out of obligation.
My agape is only for You, and even then it's nearly impossible for me to express.
Philio is the only love I will express to humans. It is the only one left I have to give. I will guard this one more carefully.
I felt a lot like Jonah running from where You wanted me to be. A little over a year ago I got tired of running tired of shame. I turned back to You and her. Everything felt restored to the correct order. I was living my life out of the darkness and into the light.
But now I am confused it's as if Jonah was tossed over board but the whale wouldn't eat him. I feel as if I am trying to pry open it's mouth, what happened to the plan? What happened to the restoration of order? I am drowning in the middle of the dark cold sea confused and abandoned.
What happens when I've never felt more at peace than when I'm with her and she has never felt more at peace than when she never sees me again?
Like two armies praying for victory, saying You are on their side. I don't understand and I doubt I ever will.
Today is fat Tuesday, I've already filled my stomach with pączkis for the year. What would You like me to abstain from, what would You like me to engage in during this season of lent?
Draw me closer to You Jesus, Help me abstain from entanglements of this world. Help me engage in practices that strengthen my pursuit of You.