07/30/17

The first three statements are common knowledge in climate science... how is it possible we have known these things as common knowledge for a decade and we have only continued to increase our fossil fuel dependency not forgetting that electricity is actually coal energy.

I know I think a lot about the condition of this rare planet. I know I was anxious when I wrote about this back in February of this year. I doubt that 2017 will not break 2016's record. It was around this time last year I remember the Opening Ceremony for the Olympics. I think it is usually this time of year that I feel the most anxious. When everyone believes it to be too hot to go outside so they stay inside and turn their air conditioners up. As I write these thoughts I sit without a shirt a small fan blowing air on my back. We all need to sweat together now. We all need to cut our energy use together and today.

let's pretend that that everyone in the whole world did their very best to cut emissions, starting today. Even if all that make-believing came true, the world would still get very hot. Fact is, if you add up all the emissions cuts every country promised in their Paris pledges, it still wouldn't keep the planet's temperature from rising beyond the agreement's goals—to keep global temperatures from rising more than 2˚C higher than they were before the Industrial Revolution, and as close to 1.5˚C as possible.
-Nick Stockton, Wired Magazine July 2017

Neil DeGrasse Tyson - The World Set Free, Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey


It's funny to joke and say "whelp who cares we're fucked anyway" as we turn on our air conditioners, as we have every light in the house on. As the skyscrapers we build higher and higher each year are filled round the clock with their heat or cooling empty building through every night filled with controlled temperatures and florescent lights no one is even using. At the very least couldn't we open the lobbies of these buildings to the homeless to make sure of the buildings shelter and climate control? but of course that sort of thinking is naive.

I remember looking up the stats about fossil fuel consumption in America back in 2014. Although my opinions and theology has changed a lot since 2014 the same panic and the same frustration in our culture still lives on inside of me. We need to use more hand tools. We need to wash our dishes with our hands. We need to walk or bike slightly more. WE NEED TO START YESTERDAY. But we aren't, instead my friends make fun of me and call me cheap when I sit in the dark without the air turned on but the fact of the matter is when I hear that damn air conditioner kick on it give me anxiety. Why don't we plant more trees to consume some of this carbon dioxide and the trees could offer us natural shade from the summer heat. Why don't we convert the energy and heat from the blacktop roads rather than burn fossil fuels? Why aren't we pumping out solar panels world wide everyone with money freely donating so that we and our children can live on, because if we try to save our money and live in comfort today what will we have to look forward to tomorrow?

Friday was my last day at the VECC April 15th 2013 to July 28th 2017.

The last day I will ever work during summer for the rest of my life. After this past week it's nothing but adventures both around the world and sleeping in my car hoping national parks in this country.

We both finished our last day at the VECC then Alicia and I drove off to Cincinnati to catch her flight to California. Now this next week will be spent organizing, lesson planning, and preparing my classroom for my first year of teaching. This is so unreal I can't believe I'm actually going to be a teacher. 2017 has been a very good year to me so far and depending how these last five months go...it might be the best year of my life.

It’s just the way you are when you’re overgrown
And in the middle of the night when you’re on your own
I’m chasing down light in the indigo
It’s just the way you are when you’re overgrown

BØRNS - Holy Ghost

07/23/17

Hold on to hope if you've got it.

— TCS (@QueenStivers) July 12, 2017

I still creep her social media, it's the only way I can get my fix these past few months. I don't know if this is a song lyric, it probably is since she loves music so much it speaks to me even though I'm letting go. I've held as long as my tired fingers could to a gnarled cliff side branch but I'm falling, so I'm taking my time on my ride.

This past week I went on a date with a woman and I finally felt that spark. Maybe not a spark but there seemed to be some slight signs of starter as the steel scratched the flint. After our first date we had a second planned for Thursday. I told Alicia, I think I could feel something for this woman which means it won't work out.

Sure enough Thursday the day of our date:

I can't spoil the surprise but you need to be at my place or outside of it around 7:30 then we can walk to this

I can probably be there by 7:30, but I'll need at least 75 min to beautify myself first haha

75?!

Thursday 12:36pm: Do you remember when I told you why I joined bumble (at this point I held my phone to Alicia and I told her...this is not good)

Why?

I am just having doubts about whether it's for me. I feel like doubting is not a way to begin seeing someone. Sorry, I really enjoyed hanging out with you and I'd like to still be friends. Let me know if you want to hang out soon. I get it if you'd rather not, as I'm probably coming off like a total asshole right now.. just trying to be upfront. (I fucking knew it)

You're not coming off like an asshole at all. Is the app the problem or you just don't think we click? I've been on that app for a minute and I haven't met anyone like you. I'd hate to let something potential go before we have a chance to see what this is. I hope you don't think I'm trying to hook up with you. (Cards all on the table a thing I hate doing and usually refuse to but I suppose I had to risk.)

I think it's a combination of the app and of me just dating without thinking through if I'm ready to. I'm clearly not ready because I just feel sad and anxious about going tonight, both of which are not good signs. I'm sorry if you feel led on, I didn't intend to do that.

I don't feel led on Priya. I just really like you and I feel dumb because I normally don't catch feels. If you're not in it then that's that.

I'm sorry

Me too.
Last night I got drinks with another woman and during it I kept thinking about you and it got me very excited for tonight and of course you're anxious about it haha don't sweat it. You're just very rare and I'm glad I met you even if it was just one evening. Good luck with school and life. You'll be great for those kids. You have a really big attractive heart. Bye Priya.

Thank you, you as well. And now, I'm literally crying at work because that was so damn nice. I'm the worst.

Honestly...same.(this is where I should have left it completely defeated and pissed that anytime there could be something it never works for whatever reason meanwhile I'm getting texts from other women about when I am coming over to hook up and leave...fml after an hour I couldn't leave it be so I opened up like a fucking idiot one last time)
I just doesn't sit right in me to let someone like you walk out of my life before we got a chance to see this potential. Having said that I don't want to see someone who describes feeling anxious and sad before seeing me haha. I guess I'll just say if you ever feel like you want to give this a try or if you find yourself ready to date again please text me Priya I don't know what else to say. Alright I'll let you be. Have fun with your friends this weekend.

I will be in touch if/when I figure things out

Be in touch...like it's all a fucking business transaction, like she's politely letting the car salesman know she's not buying. And that was it. I felt like shit the rest of the day and I haven't touched that fucking app since. Friday night I spent the night at another woman's place. Hold on to hope if I've got it? I don't think I've got it anymore. Superficial conversations and hook ups it's much safer than holding on to that damn branch of hope.

That date I went on Wednesday while we were out having drinks at Odd fellows another woman I had been on a date with sat down literally behind us...I told my date we should get out of here and go on a walk. After I moved into German Village I realized one woman I hooked up with lives nearly across the road and another woman who I texted but never went out with literally lives across the street...This is literally my life. This is the reality I live in slowly dating the entire fucking city just trying to catch some butterfly feels in my stomach...fuck my life.

I'm falling, so I'm taking my time on my ride.

Calvin Harris - Feels

07/16/17

This is my last week living on Tibet road. August 2013 to August 2017 the time I spent in this apartment is the same amount of time I spent in high school, or in college.

14 to 18 High School
18 to 22 College
25 to 29 Tibet Road

How much I changed from the start and end of each of those chapters
I wonder if we humans continue to grow and change this drastically every four years.

When I write these letters I always start them a week or so in advance and continue to return to them as I ponder and as life happens...well I wrote the above section some point last week but then this happened Wednesday morning

I quit my job. I feel like I lost my train of thought about the above conversation but interestingly enough I spent four years at this preschool job. Tying everything together here.

Today when I sent that email to HR and other members of the staff my heart was racing. Everyone congratulated me on my courage but I was so terrified that all I feel is cowardly hiding behind a computer screen. But I said what needed to be said. I feel strongly about everything I mentioned in that email. I also feel like I did a white man thing and took an issue about Alicia and I made it about me putting myself at the focus of this.

I feel like I have so much to learn about being a decent citizen of the world. It is so hard to see the world from other viewpoints. How can I imagine what it is like to be a woman, or in this case a lesbian?

White cis male

I am the problem with not only humanity but the near destruction of the entire planet and its ecosystem.
If this keyboard had emojis I'd use the narrow closed eyes and a straight mouth to express my frustration with both myself and my fellow white cis males.

No one from administration approached me about this email I got nothing at all. But at the same time I guess what is there left to say? If Alicia can't work there then I'm not working there, end of conversation. (I should also specify I'm writing this portion on Wednesday July 12th the day I sent that email)

And then this happened:

My bosses bosses boss replied and honestly I really respect this man. I faltered for a moment questioning myself and my motives but I collected my thoughts and I sent this response Thursday morning:

And that's where it landed. The chain stopped and around noon I received a phone call asking to meet up for coffee tomorrow (Friday) with a person from HR. Tonight (Thursday) I am organizing and gathering specific instances to help illustrate the points.
This
is
exhausting

Today (Friday) I met with HR and I think the conversation was productive. I made it clear I'm leaving because I don't want to work where LGBTQ people are not allowed to work and I also think I pointed out some injustices done to the women working in the prek. Hopefully those women get the work environment they deserve they have all been like mothers to me over these four years. They have been there for me over break ups life choices and so many things. I'm going to miss those ladies and the children.

Tomorrow (Saturday) we move to the new place.
August will be a brand new start for me
new apartment
new job
my life for the past four years is coming to a close and I think that is good and I think it is sad.

This morning was my first (non one night stand) morning waking up in German Village.
I'm excited for many many more to come.

Marvins Room - Drake

07/09/17

The yearly beach trip was another success. There is nothing like sleeping outside, your hygiene routine all messed up, your hair all tangled from the saltwater, The ocean breeze blowing through your tent, and the constant sound of the waves as you fall asleep and as you wake up.

Hedonic Treadmill - According to this theory, as a person makes more money, expectations and desires rise in tandem, which results in no permanent gain in happiness.

Seems like every thought I have already has not only a term but published scientific research to go with it.

I remember working my first job at my dad's lumber yard making $5.15 an hour (that's $10,712 if I was full time which at 15 years old I definitely was not.) When those paychecks rolled in like they did I remember wondering what I would do with all of that money. I bought myself video games whenever I wanted, no longer having to wait for my birthday or Christmas which are 23 days apart. Fast food for every meal out with my friends. Gas to drive those country roads on summer nights out in Northwest Ohio the sky is filled with every star in the Northern Hemisphere. Driving back and forth between Archbold and Wauseon to my girlfriends house.

at 20 I remember moving into that terrible off campus apartment my junior year of college. It was everything I could ever ask for, freedom and friends.

After college I moved out to the suburbs of Powell commuting to my downtown law firm job at 22.
I remember moving another two years later to the apartment complex with the pool
The year after that when I was 25 moving to Clintonville
The neighborhood was filled with trees, it was close enough to downtown but without parking issues
a nice porch a lot of space quiet nights with the windows open the train whistle in the distance just like my parents' house as a kid.
friends to share the house with
If I had seen my college apartment back when I was 15 I would have swore that that would be all I wanted in life and I'd be content
If I had seen my Clintonville place back when I was 22 in college I would have swore that would be all I wanted to be content

But here I am moving to German Village after only four short years in my dream neighborhood.
Hedonic Treadmill...If I had made 20k as a 15 year old I would have thought that's all the money I could ever want. Yet here I am about to begin making 44k in the fall.

And I know right now 44k and German Village sound like the greatest things what more could I ask for? Double my income and move to a neighborhood with brick and branches everywhere steps away from downtown

But if Clintonville didn't cut it will German Village?
How could I ever buy a 30 year mortgage for a house without wheels? The idea of owning a home in the same spot for that long makes me nervous. I don't think I'll ever buy a house.
This makes me wonder about marriage but I hesitate to let my mind go down that path today. I think before I can consider marriage as an option I need to convince myself I can meet a woman worth exclusively dating first.

There has only been one woman I could see myself exclusively dating and the thought of marriage doesn't fill me with anxiety and regret but I haven't communicated to her in months. She's working on things in her life. If I'm completely honest with myself I'm waiting for her, I have been for many months now. I go on countless first dates but the reality is I've never given any of these women a fair shot because she is constantly in the back of my mind I think I fool myself into thinking I'm trying to find someone but I'm not. At the same time... if one of these women were actually great wouldn't she make me forget her? I don't know. Earlier last week after thinking, I decided to let her go, one day at a time. Hope is a dangerous thing. I've only known she exists on this planet for a year now and we never really met. I think it's time to let go of hope. But I don't know if I can. Sometimes we don't get to decide these things. What are feelings? Why do I feel this way about a woman I don't want to feel this way about? And why can't I feel this way about a woman I want to feel this towards? I hate it. We can control so many things in our lives if I don't want to do something I don't, If I do want to do something I do. But feelings...love...This stuff is so frustrating. I'm not even confident I'm the man I was when I last communicated to her these one night stands and constant flirting through text desperately trying to get this woman out of my mind has exhausted me, changed me. Calloused my heart. Like handmade accessories turned factory line assembled. Whoever she allows to love her I hope they learn to know her fully because she deserves to be known and knowing her entirely is the only way to love her. Tell me have you heard that lately? I would have loved to know her to get the chance at sharing our lives but I think it's clear my role was to help her see herself for who she is and to settle for nothing less than the incredible woman she is and will continue to grow into. It's been months I need to let go, let go of hope. I will find someone who stirs me the way she did. Makes me heart leap when I see she's typing a message, makes me nervous on my way to see her not matter if it's homework or conversation over coffee... Fuck I've rambled again...where was I? talking about that damn treadmill.

If I get bored of German Village before I'm 40...where else is there to go in the city of Columbus? I don't want to outgrow this city...I love Columbus and all of its desperate attempts at relevance and significance as a real city.

The sensation of awe and wonder that feeling I got when I first moved to Columbus this city seemed so enormous to me then, and now the reality of its poignancy. We can never seem to hold on to it. It always seems to slip slightly further out of reach. Running on this treadmill the orbit around the sun.

It's okay - Lophee

07/02/17

When this letter posts I'll be waking in my tent on the beach at Assateague Island National Seashore.

After last weeks untitled portion of fiction I remembered the other dumb fiction I attempted last spring.

Terraporum I
Terraporum II
Terraporum III

I remember I had a notebook filled with characters, places, and plot ideas all mapped out and trying to slowly tie them all together. One part of the story once a month. I only lasted three months and the third one wasn't even that long. I wonder if I still have that notebook. I wonder if I even remember where I was going with this story. How awkward, horrible and poorly written it is even looking back now. I think I could only stomach three months of it before I couldn't handle what an on the nose amateur I am. No writing classes, no training of any kind just horrible imitations of stories I've enjoyed. A thief of my most respected authors. I don't know though maybe I should continue. Maybe I should tell the story. Tolstoy obviously used Konstantin Dmitrievich Levin in Anna Karenina to write about himself maybe Lutum isn't such a terribly obvious character.

This weekend is our yearly East coast beach camping trip. This year's state is Maryland.

2016 #VirginiaCampany

A post shared by Adam🌱 (@zmorris93) on Jul 2, 2016 at 6:06pm PDT

2015 #follyfive

A post shared by Adam🌱 (@zmorris93) on Jul 5, 2015 at 6:18am PDT

2014 #delawaredontcare

A post shared by Adam🌱 (@zmorris93) on Jul 5, 2014 at 2:58pm PDT

2013 #NorthSchmarolina

A post shared by Adam🌱 (@zmorris93) on Jul 6, 2013 at 4:33pm PDT

2007 Myrtle Beach

A post shared by Adam🌱 (@zmorris93) on Sep 26, 2013 at 11:23am PDT

May we never stop this summer tradition of 4th of July weekend. The older we get the more it seems friends drift apart. I have always been envious of high school kids. I admire them whenever I am out. They seem to carelessly collect a group of 8 or more friends on a whim. I was once at an ice cream parlor on a Tuesday night and 5 high school dudes rolled up and ate ice cream together. I looked at my friend I was with and said, "Do you know how hard it would be for me to get 5 friends to grab ice cream on a Tuesday?" It would take weeks of scheduling and planning but these children find community almost organically. I love it and I do miss it. But we still have our beach trips at least for one more year. Bacon and coffee over the campfire, cold cheap beers by the ocean, acting like absolute morons in the water tossing each other and shouting threats out towards the ocean challenging its waves like some old man in a movie. My last 4th of July beach trip in my 20's. It's strange, I've never been 30 before. I've spent the past 10 years identifying myself in this 20 something demographic and now in a few more months I'll be plunged in with the 30 somethings. It's like swimming in the deep end now. The 20 somethings, we are figuring out life we are making mistakes and having fun exploring. The 30 somethings, they are homeowners and parents, spouses and career focused... I'm not sure I'll make a very good 30 something. I want to continue to explore, make mistakes, and figure out life. I have already come to terms with it, I will be a horrible 30 something but I guess it's better than falling in line. When I am out at events it seems the older the demographic the less happy they seem. The 30 somethings look more serious with their strollers and bathroom remolding conversations. The 20 somethings look fun the mix of some trying to act older than they are and others enjoying first tastes of independence. But the teenagers, they always take the cake their massive groups of friends clogging up the walkway laughing and talking obnoxiously loud no regard or courtesy for the other people out. I again have digressed and rambled.

I guess my point is if this is my one and only trip on this planet then I'll be damned if I follow the social expectations of a 30 something simply because I've been around the sun 30 times. Fuck that I think one of the biggest compliments I could receive from someone in American society is being labeled immature, a 30 year old loser who makes 20k a year as a substitute teacher posting in black and white on Instagram because he wants to be cool. I'd rather my worth not be tethered to my paycheck. If someone sees me as less valuable because of my income then I pity their lens but the lose of respect isn't mutual. If someone sees my self expression on social media as pathetic then social media must mean much more to others than it does to me. And besides if we are being honest 20k is probably an over estimation since I am taxed some of that and I spent the first five months of this year student teaching making no money. I'd say my income would probably be more accurately around $12k which I believe is the 2017 Federal Poverty Level for a single person household. This year if my budgeting is correct I've made a little under $5k and it's July ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Damn it I rambled again. Anyway I'm looking forward to this weekend with my friends, may we forever be viewed by society as losers.

Michael Prins - Lost In Your Love