June 2016 was probably one of the longest months I can remember. June first started with seeing Bea again for the first time in around eight months. The following 12 days were some of the best days I've had thus far in my story. I spent every night with her except maybe for one when her mom was at her house. We have never been this good, this healthy before.
Then she moved to Denver and the next two weeks were drastically different. I missed her far more than I thought I would. We facetimed every night except for maybe two due to her camping or staying out attempting to meet new friends.
Then we met in the middle for a weekend in Windsor Missouri. That weekend felt just as great as the first two weeks of the month.
I finished a summer class and started another.
June was a very good month. :)
Bea has continuously said she loves me.
She has continuously said she wants to marry me.
She has said she misses me and I feel like home.
She said she loves life now because of me
she said she was on cloud 9 because she got to see me after that Missouri weekend.
and I can't shake my insecurities. I have mixed feelings about this.
I'm glad they are surfacing. I'm glad I am forced to deal with these trust and love issues.
I'm also very proud of myself that I am handling them in such a healthy way.
The past I would have gotten angry at Bea. I would have fought and pushed her away. I also would have started to perform, to put pressure on myself to be perfect so she would have nothing to complain about.
but on the other side I get so anxious. I freak about the most irrational things. It's good to address these things in me but it isn't easy.
This woman is crazy about me. She maybe loves me as much as I love her, she claims more.
My brain knows the information. I have received the messages of her feelings towards me but my fears and insecurities flail around my mind like a kid to a piñata.
What is the root of this irrational anxiety?
Search me, oh God.
Why do I doubt? Why do I fear?
How do I trust? How do I believe?
I am so thankful for this opportunity to surface and address my insecurities.
Help me to continue to express and wrestle with them in healthy ways. No more anger and performing, only honesty and vulnerability.
I am so thankful how understanding this woman can be to me as I ask over and over if she loves me. If she is certain.
God thank you for June.
Thank you for the strawberries that ushered in the month.
The spring rains
the solstice
the start of summer.
I ask for a July equally as rewarding.
Keep working in me.
I want to be as vulnerable as You, oh God.
Forlorn Strangers - While the Grass Grows
Then she moved to Denver and the next two weeks were drastically different. I missed her far more than I thought I would. We facetimed every night except for maybe two due to her camping or staying out attempting to meet new friends.
Then we met in the middle for a weekend in Windsor Missouri. That weekend felt just as great as the first two weeks of the month.
I finished a summer class and started another.
June was a very good month. :)
Bea has continuously said she loves me.
She has continuously said she wants to marry me.
She has said she misses me and I feel like home.
She said she loves life now because of me
she said she was on cloud 9 because she got to see me after that Missouri weekend.
and I can't shake my insecurities. I have mixed feelings about this.
I'm glad they are surfacing. I'm glad I am forced to deal with these trust and love issues.
I'm also very proud of myself that I am handling them in such a healthy way.
The past I would have gotten angry at Bea. I would have fought and pushed her away. I also would have started to perform, to put pressure on myself to be perfect so she would have nothing to complain about.
but on the other side I get so anxious. I freak about the most irrational things. It's good to address these things in me but it isn't easy.
This woman is crazy about me. She maybe loves me as much as I love her, she claims more.
My brain knows the information. I have received the messages of her feelings towards me but my fears and insecurities flail around my mind like a kid to a piñata.
What is the root of this irrational anxiety?
Search me, oh God.
Why do I doubt? Why do I fear?
How do I trust? How do I believe?
I am so thankful for this opportunity to surface and address my insecurities.
Help me to continue to express and wrestle with them in healthy ways. No more anger and performing, only honesty and vulnerability.
I am so thankful how understanding this woman can be to me as I ask over and over if she loves me. If she is certain.
God thank you for June.
Thank you for the strawberries that ushered in the month.
The spring rains
the solstice
the start of summer.
I ask for a July equally as rewarding.
Keep working in me.
I want to be as vulnerable as You, oh God.
Forlorn Strangers - While the Grass Grows