For He claims all, because He is love and must bless. He cannot bless us unless He has us. When we try to keep within us an area that is our own, we try to keep an area of death. Therefore, in love, He claims all. There's no bargaining with Him.
-C.S.Lewis
It's been exactly three months today.
My God, I have never thanked Thee for my thorn. I have thanked Thee a thousand times for my roses, but not once for my thorn. I have been looking forward to a world where I shall get compensation for my cross; but I have never thought of my cross as itself a present glory. Teach me the glory of my cross; teach me the value of my thorn. Show me that I have climbed to Thee by the path of pain. Show me that my tears have made my rainbows. Reveal to me that my strength was the product of that hour when I wrestled until the breaking of the day. Then shall I know that my thorn was blessed by Thee, then shall I know that my cross was a gift from Thee, and I shall raise a monument to the hour of my sorrow, and the words which I shall write upon it will be these : "It was good for me to have been afflicted."
-George Matheson
Praising you in the storm, praising you for thorns, or praising you in the desert always sounds so noble until it is my turn.
I still have so many questions.
I am still completely in shock.
I am hurt, confused, jealous, angry, betrayed, abandoned, and I am completely in your hands.
Three months and I still find the first question every morning to be "Is this really happening?"
Wasn't this what you wanted for me? Wasn't this what you wanted for us? If not then why did everything happen the way that it did? Why do I have feelings, emotions, memories, and commitments that seem to suggest differently?
What am I suppose to do now? How am I suppose to carry on? How do I know if the next one to come along isn't what you want either especially if feelings, emotions, memories, and commitments can deceive me.
I don't believe this was your will for us.
I don't believe you intended this to be torn apart.
I do believe that you can redeem this. I know everyday humans make choices that can never be undone. Although it may not be your will, You can use it for your glory.
Did you plan for this to test me? Or because this happened to me, you will now use it to teach me?
Although, I still find the first question every morning to be "Is this really happening?" I must force the second to quickly follow "How can I serve You today?"