Part That Won't Let Go - Wavorly
I can't help but blame You for the way I feel.
Genesis 1:26
Then God said, “Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us..."
It is Your image that I was make in. It is Your romantic heart from which mine was stenciled. It is Your relentless furious love which my broken love attempts to imitate.
What do You do when Your love isn't reciprocated or desired?
My brain has been washed with so many stories of Christian couples redeeming their love that failure isn't an option. I don't want to quit. I can't quit. Isn't that what love is? What am I suppose to do now?
This is Your fault. You filled my heart with stories of Hosea never giving up, or Your boundless love towards Israel. The way You spoke in Song of Songs or how You would long for Your bride to return and how immeasurably You love. Stories of redemption and dancing in mine fields move my heart, this heart that you have crafted in your likeness.
Even the world has deceived me. Since I was a child my mind was filled with love stories ending happily.
Zack and Kelly
Ross and Rachel
Aladdin and Jasmine
Cory and Topanga
Noah and Allie
Caleb and Catherine
Even as I read "Redeeming Love" this heart You've given me breaks when reflecting on my own experience.
My life is similar to Jennifer Aniston's real love life. These fairy tale, Taylor Swift, Hollywood type of stories don't actually happen. The reason they sell so well to humans is because we are fitted with the same romantic heart You possess.
So what do I do when my love isn't reciprocated or desired?
Do I pursue? Do I chase after my love like all of the movies and books speak of? Do I pray to you like the Persistent Widow? Do I pray and petition with thanksgiving my request for you to bring her back to me? The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. James 5:16 am I not righteous enough? Should I wait like the Father of the prodigal son?
Or do I let go? Should I ask You to cut these soul ties? Should I ask you to help me forget? Heal my heart? Should I ask to "move on"? Should I rejoice?
Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith but they are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ.
-C.S.Lewis
I don't understand what to do.
She begged me to show her my heart. she craved for me to extract my deepest thoughts and feelings. She earned trust from me. Deep trust that granted her access into the deepest depths of Adam. I created for her a place in my heart, a home. I promised her this life given to me by You. Years worth of conversations through Instant Messaging, Telephone, Cell Phone, Skype, Text Messaging, E-mail, Letters, Notes, Facebook, and most excruciating, face to face all gone.
I fear there is not much left of me to give to another. I feel like a well, pumped dry and deserted.
Will I spend this life waiting and asking You to bring her back to me?
As these days turn to months I wonder if that question is being answered.