The third truth of this broken world:
Nothing stays the same, everything changes
People change, cities change, knowledge changes, styles change, likes and dislikes change. Stop too long to smell the roses and be left behind. Stop working out and the body deteriorates, stop learning and the mind slows. Become content, let your walls down with someone and they betray.
For a long time I never appreciated this part of Your character. You never change. Under the sun never changing is an insult. To run into someone I went to high school with and for them to say "you haven't changed a bit" feels like a backhanded complement. But in Your steadfast love I find so much comfort. It isn't until the prodigal son sees his Father filled with love and compassion, running to him, embracing him, and kissing him that he learns how valuable is Your faithfulness. It isn't until You say to your servants "Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found" that your glory and honor is fully understood by an inconsistent regretful son.
But humans aren't like you. This broken world doesn't work like Your Kingdom. Down here nothing is consistent. Nothing lasts on Earth.
Luke 9:62
But Jesus told him, “Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God.”
One of my biggest struggles and sins is looking back. I am not fit for Your Kingdom. Every morning as I put my hand to the plow my rubber neck jets over my shoulder and I always look back. Help me to keep my eyes fixed forward and on you.
Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.
-C.S.Lewis
How can I not look back? There are so many triggers throughout my day that cause my eyes to stray from the present.
The morning sunlight was so bright it hurt her eyes, blinding her more than the darkness ever had. She felt his lips against her hair. "That's what I'm offering you." His breath was warm against her skin. "I want to fill your life with color and warmth. I want to fill it with light." He put his arms around her and held her back against him. "Give me a chance."
-Francine Rivers "Redeeming Love"
Reading Chapter Eleven in "Redeeming Love" rushes back countless nights.
Dark basements cuddled up listening to the DVD menu of a Brad Pitt movie on repeat late at night as I stare into eyes staring into mine. It feels so real. I can still smell her perfume, pink suede. I can still feel her stomach, moving up and down with every breath, wrapped in my arms. I can see her lips begin to form that smile forcing mine to follow suit.
These January nights take me back to shivering hugs huddled next to red cars under the star speckeld sea of space. She hops up on her tippy toes to attempt to reach eye level as she chatters her perfect white teeth. I can see her breath as I coerce a laugh out of her beautiful smile. Her eyes looking up at me with her body engulfed in my embrace as she says "we are crazy, you know? who does this?" neither of us willing to let the other leave.
Walking on the golf course in the pitch black night. Our only light was the stars that are sprinkled throughout Your infinite ceiling. My heart racing with every step as I took her hand in mine. We'd lay on the soft dewy grass of a fairway. She'd rest her long soft brown hair on my chest and look up with a big smile saying "I can hear your heart!" One hand behind my head the other around her tiny shoulders I would lean back with a smile and stare at the beautiful stars You created, amazing us with Your power.
These memories, what use to make my heart burst with emotions of love, now have turned against me. These same memories now bring feelings of pain and agony to my heart.
As a knife stabs into my gut I am reminded that this kind of thinking isn't fit for Your Kingdom. I have years of these sorts of memories stacked like dusty books in my mind. Each one of them as worthless as this fading world. I am reminded, nothing in this world stays the same, everything changes.
Genesis 19:17
one of the angels ordered, “Run for your lives! And don’t look back or stop anywhere in the valley! Escape to the mountains, or you will be swept away!”
Genesis 19:26
But Lot’s wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt.
If I were running with Lot and his family I'd have turned to salt earlier than his wife.
I miss and love her so much. I don't understand why, or what You are doing.
Lord keep my head forward as I put my hand to the plow. Let nothing that changes in this broken world make me stumble as I follow the path you have set before me. Jesus I am not fit for Your Kingdom. Only through You am I made fit. Help me learn from the past but to not live there. Make me whole. Heal me. Give me a new clean heart.
Ezekiel 36:25-27
25 “Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols. 26 And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations.
Psalm 51:10
Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Renew a loyal spirit within me.