But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it? Otherwise, you might complete only the foundation before running out of money, and then everyone would laugh at you. They would say, ‘There’s the person who started that building and couldn’t afford to finish it!’ Or what king would go to war against another king without first sitting down with his counselors to discuss whether his army of 10,000 could defeat the 20,000 soldiers marching against him?
-Jesus Messiah
Count the Cost
I know I shouldn't put a hand to the plow and then look back but Lord I cannot resist.
Has she counted the cost? In 85 days she was able to determine she'd like to begin construction of this life long building of love with another? Has she calculated the cost to see if there is enough to finish it?
O God, If only I could see her face one more time. If only I could look into those eyes I've allowed to pierce the depths of my heart and ask,
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to take a knee and take your hand?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to see waiting at the end of the isle?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to take the last name of?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to spend your wedding night with?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to come home to each day?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to share meals with?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to hold you as you fall asleep?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to wake up next to?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to hug when the test shows ++?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to hold your hand during labor?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to father your children?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to pray with?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to be by your side always?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to grow old with?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to help you when you're old?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to make you laugh everyday?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to journey beside?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to listen to you?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to love only you?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to love?
But what deep pain awaits with the answers to these questions. For I fear I know the replies she would deliver to my heart. Jesus, You know her heart, has she fully counted the cost and chosen against me? To think she has sat down with You in solitude. Setting our years together on one side of the scale and her weeks with this man on the other, deciding to give her love to the latter, the anguish, insufficiency, and failure I experience. This burden I carry, You desire to help shoulder the yoke. I want you to take it but each morning it seems to find itself strapped to me yet again.
I am told time heals all. I find the opposite occurring. Each day is another day she chooses to spend without me.
My mind tries to wrap around this situation. It tries to compare the words she spoke to me with the actions she takes. The dissonance between the two is so vast my heart struggles to comprehend this reality. These two truths cannot coexist. Commonsense tells me the former were lies, yet the trust she's built in me tells me commonsense cannot be correct. Which truth is false, her words or actions?
Has she counted the cost?
Wake me Lord, fix my eyes forward as I place my hand on the plow.