Another 21st day of the month.
94 months since she said yes.
"Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."
-Paul
"Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us."
-Jesus
"If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins."
-Jesus
"But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too."
-Jesus
"The Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt. But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt. But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full. When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt."
-Jesus
Why is this so difficult for me? Forgiveness. You spent a lot of Your time as a human teaching us to forgive. I know what I should do. I know how important it is to You. Why is it so challenging to forgive this betrayal?
What is even more frustrating is how their are days in my life when I share in your mercy. There are days where I've reached the simplicity of letting her go and accepting what she has/is putting me through. I've dropped this hurt and abandonment off at the foot of the cross before. Only to wake up the next morning with it still weighing on my shoulders.
We forgive, we mortify our resentment; a week later some chain of thought carries us back to the original offence and we discover the old resentment blazing away as if nothing had been done about it at all. We need to forgive our brother seventy times seven not only for 490 offences but for one offence.
-C.S.Lewis
It feels as though I may spend the beginning of each day of my life forgiving this one offense over and over and over. Some days it comes easy other days I fail to loosen my grip.
I must forgive her for what she has done to me. Or You will not forgive me. You will not accept my offerings. The condition of your forgiveness is clearly heard in the Lord's Prayer. As we forgive those who sin against us grant us forgiveness for our sins against You.
How do I accomplish Your forgiveness, Your mercy? How can a spiteful broken sinful human do what an all loving merciful gracious God does? Jesus I need a new heart. Wash me clean of her promises. Wash me clean of her love. Help me accept that she is a broken selfish sinful human just as I am. She doesn't belong to me. She doesn't want me. She belongs to You. You can spend her however You would like, she is Your servant. Help me to keep my hands open.
Thank You for the time You allowed me to spend with her. Thank You for allowing me to experience a taste of Your love through her and our relationship. You don't owe me a woman. Make me grateful for everything You give and take.
I remember when she told me the difference between mercy and grace.
Mercy - Not getting what I do deserve
Grace - Getting what I don't deserve
Not only do I not have to spend eternity in Hell because of Your mercy, but I get to spend eternity in Your presence because of Your grace. How I miss those conversations with her and her heart.
Yes I still hurt from the abandonment. The sting of each day she doesn't desire me in her life. I miss her very much. There is so much unfinished healing and love in our relationship. I'm not ready to quit on us. But help me Lord. O, God give me Your heart, Your forgiveness. Help me release my grip.
No, not seven times, but seventy times seven!
-Jesus
I So Hate Consequences - Relient K
When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, "I miss you son. Come home"