The mind is its own place and in itself, can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
-John Milton
I had a dream about her Sunday night. We were cuddled up together so close. I would move in to kiss her as I'd always done for years in the past. She would halt my advance and raise her left hand to my face and display her engagement ring. The dream felt so real I'd swear she was in my arms again. Will this sort of thing ever end? Is this the new life I am to live? Even if I manage to capture every thought while I am conscious she is there waiting to remind me in my subconscious.
The dream felt so real. I had her in my arms again. She wanted to be in my arms again. But she would not kiss me. As if she wanted me but chose him. How do widowers carry on? She and I were never married. How do divorced men move on?
This world is so broken.
Michael knew all the possible motives for Amanda's desertion. But beyond that, beyond comprehension, he knew God's will was working. "Why this way?" he cried out in anguish. "Why did you tell me to love her if you were only going to take her away from me?"
He raged at God and grieved for his wife. He stopped reading his Bible. He stopped praying. He turned inside himself seeking answers. He found none. And he dreamed, dark, confusing dreams with forces that were closing in on him.
The still, quiet voice didn't speak to him anymore, not for weeks and months. God was silent and hidden, his purpose a mystery. Life became such a barren wasteland that Michael couldn't bear it anymore, and he cried out.
"Why have you forsaken me?"
Beloved, I am always with you, even to the end of time.
Michael slowed his frenetic work and sought solace in God's word. I don't understand anything anymore, Lord. Losing her is like losing half of myself. She loved me. I know she did. Why did you drive her from me?
The answer came to him slowly, with the changing of the seasons.
You shall have no other gods before me.
-Redeeming Love Chapter 29
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.
You're Beautiful - Phil Wickham
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
01/29/12
Jesus be with David Bompart today as he heals.
I can not stop thinking about how disgusting dating is to me.
My mind goes back to it over and over again.
I'm suppose to approach a woman and act charming and interesting.
Not too interested not too disinterested.
At any moment she can choose to never talk to me again.
Doesn't matter what my plans were for us, when it's done for her it's done for us.
The idea of walking up to someone's ex-girlfriend, someone's daughter, someone's future wife and hitting on her. It's selfish and disgusting.
I'm tired of this.
I'm tired of wanting to spend this life with someone.
I don't want to make myself vulnerable and open for someone to abandon me again.
Isaiah 22:22
22 I will give him the key to the house of David—the highest position in the royal court. When he opens doors, no one will be able to close them; when he closes doors, no one will be able to open them.
Revelation 3:7
This is the message from the one who is holy and true,
the one who has the key of David.
What he opens, no one can close;
and what he closes, no one can open
At any moment You could slam a door shut in my face that no one can open again. Like what You did with her.
I can not stop thinking about how disgusting dating is to me.
My mind goes back to it over and over again.
I'm suppose to approach a woman and act charming and interesting.
Not too interested not too disinterested.
At any moment she can choose to never talk to me again.
Doesn't matter what my plans were for us, when it's done for her it's done for us.
The idea of walking up to someone's ex-girlfriend, someone's daughter, someone's future wife and hitting on her. It's selfish and disgusting.
I'm tired of this.
I'm tired of wanting to spend this life with someone.
I don't want to make myself vulnerable and open for someone to abandon me again.
Isaiah 22:22
22 I will give him the key to the house of David—the highest position in the royal court. When he opens doors, no one will be able to close them; when he closes doors, no one will be able to open them.
Revelation 3:7
This is the message from the one who is holy and true,
the one who has the key of David.
What he opens, no one can close;
and what he closes, no one can open
At any moment You could slam a door shut in my face that no one can open again. Like what You did with her.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
01/28/12
Can't live with them, can't live without them.
Bathsheba
Delilah
How many times did the Israelites marry pagan foreign women?
All throughout scripture it seems than women have always caused men to stumble.
Men commonly choose women over God.
Genesis 3:6
The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too.
1 Timothy 2:14
And it was not Adam who was deceived by Satan. The woman was deceived, and sin was the result.
16 Wisdom will save you from the immoral woman,
from the seductive words of the promiscuous woman.
17 She has abandoned her husband
and ignores the covenant she made before God.
18 Entering her house leads to death;
it is the road to the grave.
19 The man who visits her is doomed.
He will never reach the paths of life.
Proverbs 2
3 For the lips of an immoral woman are as sweet as honey,
and her mouth is smoother than oil.
4 But in the end she is as bitter as poison,
as dangerous as a double-edged sword.
5 Her feet go down to death;
her steps lead straight to the grave.
6 For she cares nothing about the path to life.
She staggers down a crooked trail and doesn’t realize it.
7 So now, my sons, listen to me.
Never stray from what I am about to say:
8 Stay away from her!
Don’t go near the door of her house!
20 Why be captivated, my son, by an immoral woman,
or fondle the breasts of a promiscuous woman?
21 For the LORD sees clearly what a man does,
examining every path he takes.
22 An evil man is held captive by his own sins;
they are ropes that catch and hold him.
23 He will die for lack of self-control;
he will be lost because of his great foolishness.
Proverbs 5
24 It will keep you from the immoral woman,
from the smooth tongue of a promiscuous woman.
25 Don’t lust for her beauty.
Don’t let her coy glances seduce you.
Proverbs 6
21 So she seduced him with her pretty speech
and enticed him with her flattery.
22 He followed her at once,
like an ox going to the slaughter.
He was like a stag caught in a trap,
23 awaiting the arrow that would pierce its heart.
He was like a bird flying into a snare,
little knowing it would cost him his life.
Proverbs 7
Ecclesiastes 7:26
I discovered that a seductive woman is a trap more bitter than death. Her passion is a snare, and her soft hands are chains.
Ecclesiastes 7:28
Though I have searched repeatedly, I have not found what I was looking for. Only one out of a thousand men is virtuous, but not one woman!
1 Corinthians 11:9
And man was not made for woman, but woman was made for man.
Why do women hold so much power over men? What is it about them that makes us go insane. Say things we'd never say. Do things we'd never do.
It was Herodias' daughter who asked for John's head on a silver plate.
He followed her at once, like an ox going to the slaughter. He was like a stag caught in a trap, awaiting the arrow that would pierce its heart. He was like a bird flying into a snare, little knowing it would cost him his life.
...awaiting the arrow that would pierce its heart. Women can be brutal. Women are as dangerous as a double-edged sword. Women have the power to make men do anything and everything. They also have the power to destroy men.
I want a wife to share life with.
But is it worth it? Is it worth opening myself up to the opportunity of being betrayed again? Are the highs worth the lows? Will I be able to tell my wife deep secrets such as cutting Samson's hair? Will I be strong enough to stay faithful to her when Bathsheba is bathing outside; feeding me lines as sweet as honey?
Are women more harm than good?
It isn't good for man to be alone... but then again, Jesus, You didn't have a wife...
Bathsheba
Delilah
How many times did the Israelites marry pagan foreign women?
All throughout scripture it seems than women have always caused men to stumble.
Men commonly choose women over God.
Genesis 3:6
The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too.
1 Timothy 2:14
And it was not Adam who was deceived by Satan. The woman was deceived, and sin was the result.
16 Wisdom will save you from the immoral woman,
from the seductive words of the promiscuous woman.
17 She has abandoned her husband
and ignores the covenant she made before God.
18 Entering her house leads to death;
it is the road to the grave.
19 The man who visits her is doomed.
He will never reach the paths of life.
Proverbs 2
3 For the lips of an immoral woman are as sweet as honey,
and her mouth is smoother than oil.
4 But in the end she is as bitter as poison,
as dangerous as a double-edged sword.
5 Her feet go down to death;
her steps lead straight to the grave.
6 For she cares nothing about the path to life.
She staggers down a crooked trail and doesn’t realize it.
7 So now, my sons, listen to me.
Never stray from what I am about to say:
8 Stay away from her!
Don’t go near the door of her house!
20 Why be captivated, my son, by an immoral woman,
or fondle the breasts of a promiscuous woman?
21 For the LORD sees clearly what a man does,
examining every path he takes.
22 An evil man is held captive by his own sins;
they are ropes that catch and hold him.
23 He will die for lack of self-control;
he will be lost because of his great foolishness.
Proverbs 5
24 It will keep you from the immoral woman,
from the smooth tongue of a promiscuous woman.
25 Don’t lust for her beauty.
Don’t let her coy glances seduce you.
Proverbs 6
21 So she seduced him with her pretty speech
and enticed him with her flattery.
22 He followed her at once,
like an ox going to the slaughter.
He was like a stag caught in a trap,
23 awaiting the arrow that would pierce its heart.
He was like a bird flying into a snare,
little knowing it would cost him his life.
Proverbs 7
Ecclesiastes 7:26
I discovered that a seductive woman is a trap more bitter than death. Her passion is a snare, and her soft hands are chains.
Ecclesiastes 7:28
Though I have searched repeatedly, I have not found what I was looking for. Only one out of a thousand men is virtuous, but not one woman!
1 Corinthians 11:9
And man was not made for woman, but woman was made for man.
Why do women hold so much power over men? What is it about them that makes us go insane. Say things we'd never say. Do things we'd never do.
It was Herodias' daughter who asked for John's head on a silver plate.
He followed her at once, like an ox going to the slaughter. He was like a stag caught in a trap, awaiting the arrow that would pierce its heart. He was like a bird flying into a snare, little knowing it would cost him his life.
...awaiting the arrow that would pierce its heart. Women can be brutal. Women are as dangerous as a double-edged sword. Women have the power to make men do anything and everything. They also have the power to destroy men.
I want a wife to share life with.
But is it worth it? Is it worth opening myself up to the opportunity of being betrayed again? Are the highs worth the lows? Will I be able to tell my wife deep secrets such as cutting Samson's hair? Will I be strong enough to stay faithful to her when Bathsheba is bathing outside; feeding me lines as sweet as honey?
Are women more harm than good?
It isn't good for man to be alone... but then again, Jesus, You didn't have a wife...
Friday, January 27, 2012
01/27/12
Is it wrong to want to work less than 40 hours a week?
Does America have it wrong?
Is it wrong for me to rather have free time than a bigger number in my bank statement?
An entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables, slaves with white collars. Working jobs we hate so we can buy stuff we don't need.
It is difficult to get motivated to get a full time job when I don't see the point in making that much money. Couldn't my time be better spent doing something else? I've been thinking about this perspective more and more. Am I wrong? Is America wrong? What would You have me do?
It certainly is humbling to work a part time job somewhere. It's easy to be prideful when I have a degree and work in a law firm. Sure I could work a job making as much as possible and whatever money I don't need I could give away but with that thinking then why should we go on missions? Why not throw money at the problems of the world? Would you rather me make as much money as possible and give it away or make enough to live and use my free time to serve?
Who is greater Glen Coffee or Tim Tebow?
Glen gave up his dream, fame, wealth, everything that made sense to this world and to society for You.
Tim is still in the NFL but people can't help but think about You whenever they talk about him.
Is it better to give it all up in order to serve You?
Or is it better to become as powerful as possible and point to You?
But many who are the greatest now will be least important then, and those who seem least important now will be the greatest then.
-Jesus
How do You want me to spend this life You've given me?
Does America have it wrong?
Is it wrong for me to rather have free time than a bigger number in my bank statement?
An entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables, slaves with white collars. Working jobs we hate so we can buy stuff we don't need.
It is difficult to get motivated to get a full time job when I don't see the point in making that much money. Couldn't my time be better spent doing something else? I've been thinking about this perspective more and more. Am I wrong? Is America wrong? What would You have me do?
It certainly is humbling to work a part time job somewhere. It's easy to be prideful when I have a degree and work in a law firm. Sure I could work a job making as much as possible and whatever money I don't need I could give away but with that thinking then why should we go on missions? Why not throw money at the problems of the world? Would you rather me make as much money as possible and give it away or make enough to live and use my free time to serve?
Who is greater Glen Coffee or Tim Tebow?
Glen gave up his dream, fame, wealth, everything that made sense to this world and to society for You.
Tim is still in the NFL but people can't help but think about You whenever they talk about him.
Is it better to give it all up in order to serve You?
Or is it better to become as powerful as possible and point to You?
But many who are the greatest now will be least important then, and those who seem least important now will be the greatest then.
-Jesus
How do You want me to spend this life You've given me?
Thursday, January 26, 2012
01/26/12
If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the
friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and
all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties
you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no
human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with
heaven, if Christ were not there?
― John Piper
Could I be satisfied with heaven if You were not there? The question is frightening because we both know the answer. Thinking about this reminds me how much I need You Jesus. I need Your grace because I can not do it on my own.
What a selfish creature I am to think I want our wedding but I've forgotten the bridegroom. To get so caught up in how heaven will look, who will be there with me, what will there be to do, will I enjoy it? All the sudden be reminded that the whole purpose is to finally be in Your presence. It doesn't matter how fancy the wedding cake is or if all of my friends want to come. The only thing that matters is the joining of me with my creator. Without the barrier of my sins, without my selfishness, pride, or fear holding us back.
Could I be satisfied without You? We both know it isn't possible but my flesh sure would like to try.
The greatest enemy of hunger for God is not poison but apple pie.
It is not the banquet of the wicked that dulls our appetite for
heaven, but endless nibbling at the table of the world. It is not
the X-rated video, but the prime-time dribble of triviality we
drink in every night.
― John Piper
Is the reason I get caught up in the wedding's appearance more than the reason for the wedding because that is where my focus is?
Do I not think I need your presence in my life every second and every breath because I've already filled my plate with TV, friends, and pleasure for myself? It's scary to think of us having this conversation:
"Lord! Lord! I prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name."
But You reply, "I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws."
We desperately need to explore how much of our understanding of the gospel is American and how much is biblical.
― David Platt
Am I living my life correctly? Is this how You want me to live? Is my life a pleasing offering to You? Am I living American or Biblical? Am I wasting this life You've given me by getting caught up in my culture? Or am I losing my life in Your presence?
It is better to lose your life than to waste it.
― John Piper
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
01/25/12
God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him
― John Piper
Why do I care what other people think?
Why do I feel this pressure from the culture I live in?
Isn't it strange how if I lived in another culture certain unacceptable things become acceptable and vice versa?
Life is all about perspective. The broader my perspective the better I become. If I am limited to my own perspective I am angry and selfish. If I limit my perspective to my family selflessness enters but there is still entitlement for "my" family. Zoom out to my city, state, country, and it still occurs. My countries views are correct and more important.
How do I broaden and zoom my perspective out far enough to see everything from Your point of view? If I could view everyone as my family, If I could view everywhere as my country, would the pressure of one specific culture weigh me down?
If I could somehow become so satisfied in You nothing could touch me. You would be most glorified.
Help me to let go of social norms, cultural pressures, selfish desires. Jesus set me free. Show me what you want me to do with this life. Show me what you want me to do with this day.
The goal of existence is worship. Help me to worship You and You alone. Not to worry about my own glory or some person's conditional love towards me. Not my job, the number in my bank account, the car I drive, the contents of my wallet, not my khakis.
Your grace is sufficient for me. Let that be enough. Help me to be satisfied in Your presence.
I have worry, stress, doubt, self-consciousness. Give me patience, peace, joy, calm.
Thank You for Your unfailing love and faithfulness.
― John Piper
Why do I care what other people think?
Why do I feel this pressure from the culture I live in?
Isn't it strange how if I lived in another culture certain unacceptable things become acceptable and vice versa?
Life is all about perspective. The broader my perspective the better I become. If I am limited to my own perspective I am angry and selfish. If I limit my perspective to my family selflessness enters but there is still entitlement for "my" family. Zoom out to my city, state, country, and it still occurs. My countries views are correct and more important.
How do I broaden and zoom my perspective out far enough to see everything from Your point of view? If I could view everyone as my family, If I could view everywhere as my country, would the pressure of one specific culture weigh me down?
If I could somehow become so satisfied in You nothing could touch me. You would be most glorified.
Help me to let go of social norms, cultural pressures, selfish desires. Jesus set me free. Show me what you want me to do with this life. Show me what you want me to do with this day.
The goal of existence is worship. Help me to worship You and You alone. Not to worry about my own glory or some person's conditional love towards me. Not my job, the number in my bank account, the car I drive, the contents of my wallet, not my khakis.
Your grace is sufficient for me. Let that be enough. Help me to be satisfied in Your presence.
I have worry, stress, doubt, self-consciousness. Give me patience, peace, joy, calm.
Thank You for Your unfailing love and faithfulness.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
01/24/12
Sovereign LORD, remember me again.
-Samson
Please remember what you told your servant Moses
-Nehemiah
Remember, O my God, all that I have done for these people, and bless me for it.
-Nehemiah
Remember that you made me from dust— will you turn me back to dust so soon?
-Job
Remember me in the light of your unfailing love, for you are merciful, O LORD.
-David
Psalm 38
Psalm 70
-David
Remember me, LORD, when you show favor to your people; come near and rescue me.
-Psalmist
I have heard all about you, LORD. I am filled with awe by your amazing works. In this time of our deep need, help us again as you did in years gone by. And in your anger, remember your mercy.
-Habakkuk
Jesus, remember me when you come into your Kingdom
-the other Criminal hanging on a cross
The most terrifying thought I've had is the idea that You won't remember me. At first it seems so simple of course You will remember me, I'm important, right? But You are a big God. You have a lot to keep track of. A lot of people, a lot of time, a lot of space. What if I some how fell through the cracks? I don't know what to expect once this life ends. The idea that we are all in some line waiting to be judged seems to be the America thought. But if I am forgotten by You then would I exist? My heart wouldn't be able to take the indescribable feeling of abandonment to have my creator my God my king over look me or forget me. I relate to these brothers of mine in the bible crying out to you PLEASE REMEMBER ME, PLEASE DON'T FORGET ME. When I think about the fact that the only thing keeping me alive and hopeful for eternal life is Your remembrance of me I realize how powerless and small I truly am.
You are the only reason for my life. You are the only reason I exist.
He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands.
-Deuteronomy 7:9
He is a faithful God who does no wrong
-Deuteronomy 32:4
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.
-1 Chronicles 16:34
He is good! His faithful love endures forever!
-2 Chronicles 5:13
He is so good! His faithful love for Israel endures forever!
-Ezra 3:11
I entrust my spirit into your hand. Rescue me, LORD, for you are a faithful God.-
-Psalm 31:5
Your unfailing love, O LORD, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds.
-Psalm 36:5
For your unfailing love is as high as the heavens. Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.
-Psalm 57:10
You faithfully answer our prayers with awesome deeds, O God our savior.
-Psalm 65:5
you are faithful to your promises, O my God
-Psalm 71:22
But you, O Lord, are a God of compassion and mercy, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.
-Psalm 86:15
Your faithfulness is as enduring as the heavens.
-Psalm 89:2
You are entirely faithful
-Psalm 89:8
his faithfulness continues to each generation
-Psalm 100:5
His faithful love endures forever
-Psalm 106:1
the LORD’s faithfulness endures forever
-Psalm 117:2
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever
-Psalm 118:1
God will do this, for he is faithful to do what he says
-1 Corinthians 1:9
Faith is a characteristic of Yours I often take for granted. Your memory is more vast than space. Help me to never over look Your faithfulness. Help me to realize and remember that without Your perfect faith I would be lost, forgotten, and I would not exist.
You are faithful God. Jesus, Your faithfulness is unfailing. You will never forget me. You hear me, You see me, You are faithful to me. I don't know why You choose to be faithful to such a wretch like me. But praise be to You o, Lord for Your ways are higher than mine. Thank You for Your promises, Your love, Your faithfulness. Glory to You o, God my savior.
Please always remember me and Your promise.
-Samson
Please remember what you told your servant Moses
-Nehemiah
Remember, O my God, all that I have done for these people, and bless me for it.
-Nehemiah
Remember that you made me from dust— will you turn me back to dust so soon?
-Job
Remember me in the light of your unfailing love, for you are merciful, O LORD.
-David
Psalm 38
Psalm 70
-David
Remember me, LORD, when you show favor to your people; come near and rescue me.
-Psalmist
I have heard all about you, LORD. I am filled with awe by your amazing works. In this time of our deep need, help us again as you did in years gone by. And in your anger, remember your mercy.
-Habakkuk
Jesus, remember me when you come into your Kingdom
-the other Criminal hanging on a cross
The most terrifying thought I've had is the idea that You won't remember me. At first it seems so simple of course You will remember me, I'm important, right? But You are a big God. You have a lot to keep track of. A lot of people, a lot of time, a lot of space. What if I some how fell through the cracks? I don't know what to expect once this life ends. The idea that we are all in some line waiting to be judged seems to be the America thought. But if I am forgotten by You then would I exist? My heart wouldn't be able to take the indescribable feeling of abandonment to have my creator my God my king over look me or forget me. I relate to these brothers of mine in the bible crying out to you PLEASE REMEMBER ME, PLEASE DON'T FORGET ME. When I think about the fact that the only thing keeping me alive and hopeful for eternal life is Your remembrance of me I realize how powerless and small I truly am.
You are the only reason for my life. You are the only reason I exist.
He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands.
-Deuteronomy 7:9
He is a faithful God who does no wrong
-Deuteronomy 32:4
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.
-1 Chronicles 16:34
He is good! His faithful love endures forever!
-2 Chronicles 5:13
He is so good! His faithful love for Israel endures forever!
-Ezra 3:11
I entrust my spirit into your hand. Rescue me, LORD, for you are a faithful God.-
-Psalm 31:5
Your unfailing love, O LORD, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds.
-Psalm 36:5
For your unfailing love is as high as the heavens. Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.
-Psalm 57:10
You faithfully answer our prayers with awesome deeds, O God our savior.
-Psalm 65:5
you are faithful to your promises, O my God
-Psalm 71:22
But you, O Lord, are a God of compassion and mercy, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.
-Psalm 86:15
Your faithfulness is as enduring as the heavens.
-Psalm 89:2
You are entirely faithful
-Psalm 89:8
his faithfulness continues to each generation
-Psalm 100:5
His faithful love endures forever
-Psalm 106:1
the LORD’s faithfulness endures forever
-Psalm 117:2
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever
-Psalm 118:1
God will do this, for he is faithful to do what he says
-1 Corinthians 1:9
Faith is a characteristic of Yours I often take for granted. Your memory is more vast than space. Help me to never over look Your faithfulness. Help me to realize and remember that without Your perfect faith I would be lost, forgotten, and I would not exist.
You are faithful God. Jesus, Your faithfulness is unfailing. You will never forget me. You hear me, You see me, You are faithful to me. I don't know why You choose to be faithful to such a wretch like me. But praise be to You o, Lord for Your ways are higher than mine. Thank You for Your promises, Your love, Your faithfulness. Glory to You o, God my savior.
Please always remember me and Your promise.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
01/22/12
Should Christians have biological children?
0,163,000,000 children in the world without parents.
2,200,000,000 humans claim to be followers of Jesus Christ.
Why do orphans exist in the world? How is this possible?
Psalm 68:5-6
5 Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—
this is God, whose dwelling is holy.
6 God places the lonely in families;
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.
John 13:34-35
34 So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. 35 Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”
You have loved me like a father. Like the Father. This new commandment, to love like You've loved me, is to be a father to the fatherless.
If each Christian couple adopted one orphan there would still be 1,874,000,000 Christians left to have their own children. That's 937,000,000 couples.
Or everyone in the body of Christ would be responsible for 0.074 of an orphan (7.4% of one orphan). Orphans shouldn't exist. America's Christian population alone could probably solve this problem.
307,006,550 Americans. 60% to 76% identify themselves as Christians. That's at least 184,203,930 Christians in America. 1.78 Orphans per Christian couple would completely destroy the fatherless population in the world. Two orphans per American Christian family would certainly prove to the world that we are Your disciples.
Why do orphans exist in the world? How is this possible? Why are Christian couples giving birth to biological children all around the world when You already have 163 million children waiting to be shown the Father's love?
As I consider the desire to have my own biological child I can only name selfish reasons. Is it selfish for followers of Christ to want their own children instead of loving the ones You've already put on this Earth?
I want a child who looks like me, who reminds me of me, who came from me, who I can love as a part of me.
As I weigh the intentions of biological children next to Your life as a human and Your teachings I find a vast chasm. Love God, Love people, die to myself. It isn't that I don't want my own children. And it isn't that I'm angry at any couple that has their own children. Until we Christians, until us followers of You, Jesus, place the lonely in families I don't think we should have biological children. Until all the fatherless on Earth know and experience the Father's love through the conduit of an earthly father and mother I don't think we as Christians should have the luxury of biological children.
I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives. Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity. Anyone who wants to be my disciple must follow me, because my servants must be where I am. And the Father will honor anyone who serves me.
John 12:24-26
0,163,000,000 children in the world without parents.
2,200,000,000 humans claim to be followers of Jesus Christ.
Why do orphans exist in the world? How is this possible?
Psalm 68:5-6
5 Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—
this is God, whose dwelling is holy.
6 God places the lonely in families;
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.
John 13:34-35
34 So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. 35 Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”
You have loved me like a father. Like the Father. This new commandment, to love like You've loved me, is to be a father to the fatherless.
If each Christian couple adopted one orphan there would still be 1,874,000,000 Christians left to have their own children. That's 937,000,000 couples.
Or everyone in the body of Christ would be responsible for 0.074 of an orphan (7.4% of one orphan). Orphans shouldn't exist. America's Christian population alone could probably solve this problem.
307,006,550 Americans. 60% to 76% identify themselves as Christians. That's at least 184,203,930 Christians in America. 1.78 Orphans per Christian couple would completely destroy the fatherless population in the world. Two orphans per American Christian family would certainly prove to the world that we are Your disciples.
Why do orphans exist in the world? How is this possible? Why are Christian couples giving birth to biological children all around the world when You already have 163 million children waiting to be shown the Father's love?
As I consider the desire to have my own biological child I can only name selfish reasons. Is it selfish for followers of Christ to want their own children instead of loving the ones You've already put on this Earth?
I want a child who looks like me, who reminds me of me, who came from me, who I can love as a part of me.
As I weigh the intentions of biological children next to Your life as a human and Your teachings I find a vast chasm. Love God, Love people, die to myself. It isn't that I don't want my own children. And it isn't that I'm angry at any couple that has their own children. Until we Christians, until us followers of You, Jesus, place the lonely in families I don't think we should have biological children. Until all the fatherless on Earth know and experience the Father's love through the conduit of an earthly father and mother I don't think we as Christians should have the luxury of biological children.
I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives. Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity. Anyone who wants to be my disciple must follow me, because my servants must be where I am. And the Father will honor anyone who serves me.
John 12:24-26
Saturday, January 21, 2012
01/21/12
Another 21st day of the month.
94 months since she said yes.
"Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."
-Paul
"Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us."
-Jesus
"If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins."
-Jesus
"But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too."
-Jesus
"The Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt. But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt. But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full. When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt."
-Jesus
Why is this so difficult for me? Forgiveness. You spent a lot of Your time as a human teaching us to forgive. I know what I should do. I know how important it is to You. Why is it so challenging to forgive this betrayal?
What is even more frustrating is how their are days in my life when I share in your mercy. There are days where I've reached the simplicity of letting her go and accepting what she has/is putting me through. I've dropped this hurt and abandonment off at the foot of the cross before. Only to wake up the next morning with it still weighing on my shoulders.
We forgive, we mortify our resentment; a week later some chain of thought carries us back to the original offence and we discover the old resentment blazing away as if nothing had been done about it at all. We need to forgive our brother seventy times seven not only for 490 offences but for one offence.
-C.S.Lewis
It feels as though I may spend the beginning of each day of my life forgiving this one offense over and over and over. Some days it comes easy other days I fail to loosen my grip.
I must forgive her for what she has done to me. Or You will not forgive me. You will not accept my offerings. The condition of your forgiveness is clearly heard in the Lord's Prayer. As we forgive those who sin against us grant us forgiveness for our sins against You.
How do I accomplish Your forgiveness, Your mercy? How can a spiteful broken sinful human do what an all loving merciful gracious God does? Jesus I need a new heart. Wash me clean of her promises. Wash me clean of her love. Help me accept that she is a broken selfish sinful human just as I am. She doesn't belong to me. She doesn't want me. She belongs to You. You can spend her however You would like, she is Your servant. Help me to keep my hands open.
Thank You for the time You allowed me to spend with her. Thank You for allowing me to experience a taste of Your love through her and our relationship. You don't owe me a woman. Make me grateful for everything You give and take.
I remember when she told me the difference between mercy and grace.
Mercy - Not getting what I do deserve
Grace - Getting what I don't deserve
Not only do I not have to spend eternity in Hell because of Your mercy, but I get to spend eternity in Your presence because of Your grace. How I miss those conversations with her and her heart.
Yes I still hurt from the abandonment. The sting of each day she doesn't desire me in her life. I miss her very much. There is so much unfinished healing and love in our relationship. I'm not ready to quit on us. But help me Lord. O, God give me Your heart, Your forgiveness. Help me release my grip.
No, not seven times, but seventy times seven!
-Jesus
I So Hate Consequences - Relient K
When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, "I miss you son. Come home"
94 months since she said yes.
"Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."
-Paul
"Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us."
-Jesus
"If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins."
-Jesus
"But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too."
-Jesus
"The Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt. But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt. But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full. When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt."
-Jesus
Why is this so difficult for me? Forgiveness. You spent a lot of Your time as a human teaching us to forgive. I know what I should do. I know how important it is to You. Why is it so challenging to forgive this betrayal?
What is even more frustrating is how their are days in my life when I share in your mercy. There are days where I've reached the simplicity of letting her go and accepting what she has/is putting me through. I've dropped this hurt and abandonment off at the foot of the cross before. Only to wake up the next morning with it still weighing on my shoulders.
We forgive, we mortify our resentment; a week later some chain of thought carries us back to the original offence and we discover the old resentment blazing away as if nothing had been done about it at all. We need to forgive our brother seventy times seven not only for 490 offences but for one offence.
-C.S.Lewis
It feels as though I may spend the beginning of each day of my life forgiving this one offense over and over and over. Some days it comes easy other days I fail to loosen my grip.
I must forgive her for what she has done to me. Or You will not forgive me. You will not accept my offerings. The condition of your forgiveness is clearly heard in the Lord's Prayer. As we forgive those who sin against us grant us forgiveness for our sins against You.
How do I accomplish Your forgiveness, Your mercy? How can a spiteful broken sinful human do what an all loving merciful gracious God does? Jesus I need a new heart. Wash me clean of her promises. Wash me clean of her love. Help me accept that she is a broken selfish sinful human just as I am. She doesn't belong to me. She doesn't want me. She belongs to You. You can spend her however You would like, she is Your servant. Help me to keep my hands open.
Thank You for the time You allowed me to spend with her. Thank You for allowing me to experience a taste of Your love through her and our relationship. You don't owe me a woman. Make me grateful for everything You give and take.
I remember when she told me the difference between mercy and grace.
Mercy - Not getting what I do deserve
Grace - Getting what I don't deserve
Not only do I not have to spend eternity in Hell because of Your mercy, but I get to spend eternity in Your presence because of Your grace. How I miss those conversations with her and her heart.
Yes I still hurt from the abandonment. The sting of each day she doesn't desire me in her life. I miss her very much. There is so much unfinished healing and love in our relationship. I'm not ready to quit on us. But help me Lord. O, God give me Your heart, Your forgiveness. Help me release my grip.
No, not seven times, but seventy times seven!
-Jesus
I So Hate Consequences - Relient K
When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, "I miss you son. Come home"
Friday, January 20, 2012
01/20/12
Last night as I walked up and down High Street with a few cups of noodles and sauce to hand out with two friends we ran into a familiar face from the pantry on Monday nights. We stopped to talk for a bit and listen to the life of one of our brothers in Christ. He mentioned he had written a poem in the latest issue of "Street Speech the voice from the streets of Columbus."
It just so happened that my roommate while downtown last weekend purchased this issue. Once I returned to my heated home I turned to the page and read what he had written:
The Human Life
By Jeff Heath, Street Speech Vendor
In peace we wish to be,
peace in life we seek.
Never seem to find, but happy we seem.
Always in the fire's heat.
Während der Schmerz des Lebens, suchen wir lieben.
Was für ein Leben uns gegeben hat,
Wir alle versuchen, zurück zu geben.
In the life we choose to live,
in life, in death we suffer.
What we seek eludes,
What we get makes us tougher.
Given peace, given happiness,
would we accept it, or want more?
Mankind, always wanting more,
we are all inside torn,
This is our human way.
Give us trials.
We must learn to live happy.
Learn to walk life's miles.
I am astonished at the wisdom of a 20 year old homeless poet.
As we continued to walk the cold dark noisy street of Columbus I couldn't stop thinking about how cold I was and the idea of sleeping outside whether it be in a tent at one of the homeless camps or on a stoop seemed incomprehensible. Jesus, this is not our home. This isn't the way it is suppose to be. This world is gushing with hurt and brokenness.
"We are all inside torn, this is our human way." Hurt people hurting people. Jeff is correct, this is our human way. But this isn't Your way. Your love is so pure and holy. Trying to express it to a homeless person in a McDonald's at 11:00pm is impossible. Toni, his whole life the only thing he has experienced is brokenness. To tell a man like Toni that there is a God who sees him and loves him isn't simple. Easy for a wealthy suburbanite like myself to talk of a loving God look how much you've blessed me. My words of Your love and truth carry about as much weight to a homeless person as the soft pillow I rest my warm head on each night. How am I suppose to show Your love to Your children who are so torn by this world that they no longer have hope?
To have the world kick you while your down for years and years never letting you up for air, how did You manage to hold on to the truth of Your Father's love? How do I teach my brothers and sisters to dig their roots into Your foundation? I am just as broken as they are.
The broken leading the broken.
Satan tells me our efforts to show Your love on a January night with a few cups of noodles is like a drop in the ocean. Get him off my back.
What do You want me to do with this life You've given me?
How do I express the love You've shown me to my broken brothers and sisters?
My heart longs to worship You my King
And I long to bring You a pleasing offering
And I am overwhelmed
And I am lost for words
To describe You
More than a friend - Jeremy Riddle
It just so happened that my roommate while downtown last weekend purchased this issue. Once I returned to my heated home I turned to the page and read what he had written:
The Human Life
By Jeff Heath, Street Speech Vendor
In peace we wish to be,
peace in life we seek.
Never seem to find, but happy we seem.
Always in the fire's heat.
Während der Schmerz des Lebens, suchen wir lieben.
Was für ein Leben uns gegeben hat,
Wir alle versuchen, zurück zu geben.
In the life we choose to live,
in life, in death we suffer.
What we seek eludes,
What we get makes us tougher.
Given peace, given happiness,
would we accept it, or want more?
Mankind, always wanting more,
we are all inside torn,
This is our human way.
Give us trials.
We must learn to live happy.
Learn to walk life's miles.
I am astonished at the wisdom of a 20 year old homeless poet.
As we continued to walk the cold dark noisy street of Columbus I couldn't stop thinking about how cold I was and the idea of sleeping outside whether it be in a tent at one of the homeless camps or on a stoop seemed incomprehensible. Jesus, this is not our home. This isn't the way it is suppose to be. This world is gushing with hurt and brokenness.
"We are all inside torn, this is our human way." Hurt people hurting people. Jeff is correct, this is our human way. But this isn't Your way. Your love is so pure and holy. Trying to express it to a homeless person in a McDonald's at 11:00pm is impossible. Toni, his whole life the only thing he has experienced is brokenness. To tell a man like Toni that there is a God who sees him and loves him isn't simple. Easy for a wealthy suburbanite like myself to talk of a loving God look how much you've blessed me. My words of Your love and truth carry about as much weight to a homeless person as the soft pillow I rest my warm head on each night. How am I suppose to show Your love to Your children who are so torn by this world that they no longer have hope?
To have the world kick you while your down for years and years never letting you up for air, how did You manage to hold on to the truth of Your Father's love? How do I teach my brothers and sisters to dig their roots into Your foundation? I am just as broken as they are.
The broken leading the broken.
Satan tells me our efforts to show Your love on a January night with a few cups of noodles is like a drop in the ocean. Get him off my back.
What do You want me to do with this life You've given me?
How do I express the love You've shown me to my broken brothers and sisters?
My heart longs to worship You my King
And I long to bring You a pleasing offering
And I am overwhelmed
And I am lost for words
To describe You
More than a friend - Jeremy Riddle
Thursday, January 19, 2012
01/19/12
But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it? Otherwise, you might complete only the foundation before running out of money, and then everyone would laugh at you. They would say, ‘There’s the person who started that building and couldn’t afford to finish it!’ Or what king would go to war against another king without first sitting down with his counselors to discuss whether his army of 10,000 could defeat the 20,000 soldiers marching against him?
-Jesus Messiah
Count the Cost
I know I shouldn't put a hand to the plow and then look back but Lord I cannot resist.
Has she counted the cost? In 85 days she was able to determine she'd like to begin construction of this life long building of love with another? Has she calculated the cost to see if there is enough to finish it?
O God, If only I could see her face one more time. If only I could look into those eyes I've allowed to pierce the depths of my heart and ask,
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to take a knee and take your hand?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to see waiting at the end of the isle?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to take the last name of?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to spend your wedding night with?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to come home to each day?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to share meals with?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to hold you as you fall asleep?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to wake up next to?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to hug when the test shows ++?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to hold your hand during labor?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to father your children?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to pray with?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to be by your side always?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to grow old with?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to help you when you're old?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to make you laugh everyday?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to journey beside?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to listen to you?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to love only you?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to love?
But what deep pain awaits with the answers to these questions. For I fear I know the replies she would deliver to my heart. Jesus, You know her heart, has she fully counted the cost and chosen against me? To think she has sat down with You in solitude. Setting our years together on one side of the scale and her weeks with this man on the other, deciding to give her love to the latter, the anguish, insufficiency, and failure I experience. This burden I carry, You desire to help shoulder the yoke. I want you to take it but each morning it seems to find itself strapped to me yet again.
I am told time heals all. I find the opposite occurring. Each day is another day she chooses to spend without me.
My mind tries to wrap around this situation. It tries to compare the words she spoke to me with the actions she takes. The dissonance between the two is so vast my heart struggles to comprehend this reality. These two truths cannot coexist. Commonsense tells me the former were lies, yet the trust she's built in me tells me commonsense cannot be correct. Which truth is false, her words or actions?
Has she counted the cost?
Wake me Lord, fix my eyes forward as I place my hand on the plow.
-Jesus Messiah
Count the Cost
I know I shouldn't put a hand to the plow and then look back but Lord I cannot resist.
Has she counted the cost? In 85 days she was able to determine she'd like to begin construction of this life long building of love with another? Has she calculated the cost to see if there is enough to finish it?
O God, If only I could see her face one more time. If only I could look into those eyes I've allowed to pierce the depths of my heart and ask,
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to take a knee and take your hand?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to see waiting at the end of the isle?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to take the last name of?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to spend your wedding night with?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to come home to each day?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to share meals with?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to hold you as you fall asleep?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to wake up next to?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to hug when the test shows ++?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to hold your hand during labor?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to father your children?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to pray with?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to be by your side always?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to grow old with?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to help you when you're old?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to make you laugh everyday?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to journey beside?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to listen to you?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to love only you?
Are you certain I am not the man you desire to love?
But what deep pain awaits with the answers to these questions. For I fear I know the replies she would deliver to my heart. Jesus, You know her heart, has she fully counted the cost and chosen against me? To think she has sat down with You in solitude. Setting our years together on one side of the scale and her weeks with this man on the other, deciding to give her love to the latter, the anguish, insufficiency, and failure I experience. This burden I carry, You desire to help shoulder the yoke. I want you to take it but each morning it seems to find itself strapped to me yet again.
I am told time heals all. I find the opposite occurring. Each day is another day she chooses to spend without me.
My mind tries to wrap around this situation. It tries to compare the words she spoke to me with the actions she takes. The dissonance between the two is so vast my heart struggles to comprehend this reality. These two truths cannot coexist. Commonsense tells me the former were lies, yet the trust she's built in me tells me commonsense cannot be correct. Which truth is false, her words or actions?
Has she counted the cost?
Wake me Lord, fix my eyes forward as I place my hand on the plow.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
01/18/12
No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
-C.S.Lewis
1 Corinthians 7
...But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another.
8 So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am.
17 Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you. This is my rule for all the churches. 20 Yes, each of you should remain as you were when God called you. 24 Each of you, dear brothers and sisters, should remain as you were when God first called you.
25 Now regarding your question about the young women who are not yet married. I do not have a command from the Lord for them. But the Lord in his mercy has given me wisdom that can be trusted, and I will share it with you. 26 Because of the present crisis, I think it is best to remain as you are. 27 If you have a wife, do not seek to end the marriage. If you do not have a wife, do not seek to get married. 28 But if you do get married, it is not a sin. And if a young woman gets married, it is not a sin. However, those who get married at this time will have troubles, and I am trying to spare you those problems.
29 But let me say this, dear brothers and sisters: The time that remains is very short. So from now on, those with wives should not focus only on their marriage.
32 I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. 33 But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. 34 His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.
39 A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. If her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but only if he loves the Lord. 40 But in my opinion it would be better for her to stay single, and I think I am giving you counsel from God’s Spirit when I say this.
Why do Christians get married?
I suppose I want to get married because it's what my culture tells me to do. But there are a lot of things my culture tells me to do that don't please You. I'm trying to look at the topic of marriage from an unbiased perspective. Why do Christians get married? Jesus wasn't married. Paul seems to think marriage isn't ideal for a Christian. So why get married?
Marriage is suppose to be selfless but to me it seems selfish. Convince a woman to love me, then I have to maintain that convincing and if I fail too many times she will leave me. It doesn't matter how much I actually love the woman perception is reality. If the woman doesn't feel loved then they aren't despite how the man actually feels. Or perhaps she does feel his love to the full extent but she simply doesn't desire his love. I want to get married so that I can have someone to spend this life with. I want to make someone happy and get to know them on a deep level. I want to make them really happy. This sounds selfless on the surface but as I think about it more every reason is really selfish. Marriage is all about finding someone who makes ME happy and who I want to be happy.
Lets say You put the perfect woman in my life. Lets say she makes me forget all about my past heartbreak and history. Wouldn't it be selfish of me to take her hand in marriage and withhold her love from another one of my brothers in Christ?
How could I marry a woman? I would be taking a woman away from one of my brothers.
I never considered this until I had the woman I love taken from me by a brother. What I have gone through and what I am reminded of daily, I wouldn't wish this sort of agony on anyone. My dreams still haunt me with her memory each night. If I were to meet a woman how am I to know if one of my brothers isn't fighting for her heart? How selfish of me to snuff out his hope of a life with her so that I could fill a hole in my life that I know You are more than capable filling.
How am I to know that she wouldn't be better suited with another man? Perhaps we seem like the perfect match when we get married but people change. Nothing stays the same, everything changes. Suddenly I become incapable of meeting her desires.
Or once I have her hand in marriage she begins to wish she was with another man? Now she made a promise when she was young to stay with me until she or I die. She is forced to stay a prisoner of love to me and me alone. It feels selfish.
It is selfish to take a woman away from a brother.
It is selfish to hold a woman away from a brother.
Everything was so clear with her. I was hers and she was mine. How does love grow? Whenever I look at other women all I see are other men's wives or future wives of other men.
Genesis 2:18-23
18 Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” 19 So the LORD God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them, and the man chose a name for each one. 20 He gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all the wild animals. But still there was no helper just right for him.
21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the LORD God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man.
23 “At last!” the man exclaimed.
“This one is bone from my bone,
and flesh from my flesh!
She will be called ‘woman,’
because she was taken from ‘man.’”
I know exactly how Adam felt when he first saw Eve. I can't describe it but it is very good. What isn't mentioned here is how painful it is when women choose to no longer be with men. How could I deprive one of my brothers from experiencing the "At last!" moment that is embedded into our fabric as men by permanently keeping a woman for myself?
Wives are not the source of joy, they are merely a conduit. All I need is You Lord.
As I ponder this I uncover a fourth truth. No one can ever truly know someone. Ask Megan McAllister if she thought she knew her fiancé. This world is so broken.
-C.S.Lewis
1 Corinthians 7
...But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another.
8 So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am.
17 Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you. This is my rule for all the churches. 20 Yes, each of you should remain as you were when God called you. 24 Each of you, dear brothers and sisters, should remain as you were when God first called you.
25 Now regarding your question about the young women who are not yet married. I do not have a command from the Lord for them. But the Lord in his mercy has given me wisdom that can be trusted, and I will share it with you. 26 Because of the present crisis, I think it is best to remain as you are. 27 If you have a wife, do not seek to end the marriage. If you do not have a wife, do not seek to get married. 28 But if you do get married, it is not a sin. And if a young woman gets married, it is not a sin. However, those who get married at this time will have troubles, and I am trying to spare you those problems.
29 But let me say this, dear brothers and sisters: The time that remains is very short. So from now on, those with wives should not focus only on their marriage.
32 I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. 33 But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. 34 His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.
39 A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. If her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but only if he loves the Lord. 40 But in my opinion it would be better for her to stay single, and I think I am giving you counsel from God’s Spirit when I say this.
Why do Christians get married?
I suppose I want to get married because it's what my culture tells me to do. But there are a lot of things my culture tells me to do that don't please You. I'm trying to look at the topic of marriage from an unbiased perspective. Why do Christians get married? Jesus wasn't married. Paul seems to think marriage isn't ideal for a Christian. So why get married?
Marriage is suppose to be selfless but to me it seems selfish. Convince a woman to love me, then I have to maintain that convincing and if I fail too many times she will leave me. It doesn't matter how much I actually love the woman perception is reality. If the woman doesn't feel loved then they aren't despite how the man actually feels. Or perhaps she does feel his love to the full extent but she simply doesn't desire his love. I want to get married so that I can have someone to spend this life with. I want to make someone happy and get to know them on a deep level. I want to make them really happy. This sounds selfless on the surface but as I think about it more every reason is really selfish. Marriage is all about finding someone who makes ME happy and who I want to be happy.
Lets say You put the perfect woman in my life. Lets say she makes me forget all about my past heartbreak and history. Wouldn't it be selfish of me to take her hand in marriage and withhold her love from another one of my brothers in Christ?
How could I marry a woman? I would be taking a woman away from one of my brothers.
I never considered this until I had the woman I love taken from me by a brother. What I have gone through and what I am reminded of daily, I wouldn't wish this sort of agony on anyone. My dreams still haunt me with her memory each night. If I were to meet a woman how am I to know if one of my brothers isn't fighting for her heart? How selfish of me to snuff out his hope of a life with her so that I could fill a hole in my life that I know You are more than capable filling.
How am I to know that she wouldn't be better suited with another man? Perhaps we seem like the perfect match when we get married but people change. Nothing stays the same, everything changes. Suddenly I become incapable of meeting her desires.
Or once I have her hand in marriage she begins to wish she was with another man? Now she made a promise when she was young to stay with me until she or I die. She is forced to stay a prisoner of love to me and me alone. It feels selfish.
It is selfish to take a woman away from a brother.
It is selfish to hold a woman away from a brother.
Everything was so clear with her. I was hers and she was mine. How does love grow? Whenever I look at other women all I see are other men's wives or future wives of other men.
Genesis 2:18-23
18 Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” 19 So the LORD God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them, and the man chose a name for each one. 20 He gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all the wild animals. But still there was no helper just right for him.
21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the LORD God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man.
23 “At last!” the man exclaimed.
“This one is bone from my bone,
and flesh from my flesh!
She will be called ‘woman,’
because she was taken from ‘man.’”
I know exactly how Adam felt when he first saw Eve. I can't describe it but it is very good. What isn't mentioned here is how painful it is when women choose to no longer be with men. How could I deprive one of my brothers from experiencing the "At last!" moment that is embedded into our fabric as men by permanently keeping a woman for myself?
Wives are not the source of joy, they are merely a conduit. All I need is You Lord.
As I ponder this I uncover a fourth truth. No one can ever truly know someone. Ask Megan McAllister if she thought she knew her fiancé. This world is so broken.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
01/17/12
Part That Won't Let Go - Wavorly
I can't help but blame You for the way I feel.
Genesis 1:26
Then God said, “Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us..."
It is Your image that I was make in. It is Your romantic heart from which mine was stenciled. It is Your relentless furious love which my broken love attempts to imitate.
What do You do when Your love isn't reciprocated or desired?
My brain has been washed with so many stories of Christian couples redeeming their love that failure isn't an option. I don't want to quit. I can't quit. Isn't that what love is? What am I suppose to do now?
This is Your fault. You filled my heart with stories of Hosea never giving up, or Your boundless love towards Israel. The way You spoke in Song of Songs or how You would long for Your bride to return and how immeasurably You love. Stories of redemption and dancing in mine fields move my heart, this heart that you have crafted in your likeness.
Even the world has deceived me. Since I was a child my mind was filled with love stories ending happily.
Zack and Kelly
Ross and Rachel
Aladdin and Jasmine
Cory and Topanga
Noah and Allie
Caleb and Catherine
Even as I read "Redeeming Love" this heart You've given me breaks when reflecting on my own experience.
My life is similar to Jennifer Aniston's real love life. These fairy tale, Taylor Swift, Hollywood type of stories don't actually happen. The reason they sell so well to humans is because we are fitted with the same romantic heart You possess.
So what do I do when my love isn't reciprocated or desired?
Do I pursue? Do I chase after my love like all of the movies and books speak of? Do I pray to you like the Persistent Widow? Do I pray and petition with thanksgiving my request for you to bring her back to me? The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. James 5:16 am I not righteous enough? Should I wait like the Father of the prodigal son?
Or do I let go? Should I ask You to cut these soul ties? Should I ask you to help me forget? Heal my heart? Should I ask to "move on"? Should I rejoice?
Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith but they are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ.
-C.S.Lewis
I don't understand what to do.
She begged me to show her my heart. she craved for me to extract my deepest thoughts and feelings. She earned trust from me. Deep trust that granted her access into the deepest depths of Adam. I created for her a place in my heart, a home. I promised her this life given to me by You. Years worth of conversations through Instant Messaging, Telephone, Cell Phone, Skype, Text Messaging, E-mail, Letters, Notes, Facebook, and most excruciating, face to face all gone.
I fear there is not much left of me to give to another. I feel like a well, pumped dry and deserted.
Will I spend this life waiting and asking You to bring her back to me?
As these days turn to months I wonder if that question is being answered.
I can't help but blame You for the way I feel.
Genesis 1:26
Then God said, “Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us..."
It is Your image that I was make in. It is Your romantic heart from which mine was stenciled. It is Your relentless furious love which my broken love attempts to imitate.
What do You do when Your love isn't reciprocated or desired?
My brain has been washed with so many stories of Christian couples redeeming their love that failure isn't an option. I don't want to quit. I can't quit. Isn't that what love is? What am I suppose to do now?
This is Your fault. You filled my heart with stories of Hosea never giving up, or Your boundless love towards Israel. The way You spoke in Song of Songs or how You would long for Your bride to return and how immeasurably You love. Stories of redemption and dancing in mine fields move my heart, this heart that you have crafted in your likeness.
Even the world has deceived me. Since I was a child my mind was filled with love stories ending happily.
Zack and Kelly
Ross and Rachel
Aladdin and Jasmine
Cory and Topanga
Noah and Allie
Caleb and Catherine
Even as I read "Redeeming Love" this heart You've given me breaks when reflecting on my own experience.
My life is similar to Jennifer Aniston's real love life. These fairy tale, Taylor Swift, Hollywood type of stories don't actually happen. The reason they sell so well to humans is because we are fitted with the same romantic heart You possess.
So what do I do when my love isn't reciprocated or desired?
Do I pursue? Do I chase after my love like all of the movies and books speak of? Do I pray to you like the Persistent Widow? Do I pray and petition with thanksgiving my request for you to bring her back to me? The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. James 5:16 am I not righteous enough? Should I wait like the Father of the prodigal son?
Or do I let go? Should I ask You to cut these soul ties? Should I ask you to help me forget? Heal my heart? Should I ask to "move on"? Should I rejoice?
Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith but they are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ.
-C.S.Lewis
I don't understand what to do.
She begged me to show her my heart. she craved for me to extract my deepest thoughts and feelings. She earned trust from me. Deep trust that granted her access into the deepest depths of Adam. I created for her a place in my heart, a home. I promised her this life given to me by You. Years worth of conversations through Instant Messaging, Telephone, Cell Phone, Skype, Text Messaging, E-mail, Letters, Notes, Facebook, and most excruciating, face to face all gone.
I fear there is not much left of me to give to another. I feel like a well, pumped dry and deserted.
Will I spend this life waiting and asking You to bring her back to me?
As these days turn to months I wonder if that question is being answered.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
01/15/12
Freedom is not having everything we crave, it's being able to go without the things we crave and being OK with it.
-Rob Bell
The past 24 hours of my life have been an interesting test.
My car wouldn't start, jumper cables didn't work. This afternoon once my ride dropped me off after church I drove my roommates car to the auto parts store with my battery. The charge was perfect. I called a mobile mechanic. He put in a brand new starter, it still wouldn't run. I'm out a lot of money, my car doesn't start, and the insurance adjuster doesn't work on Sundays.
A younger Adam would be furious, anxious, and impatient. But as I continue my walk with You I see the futility in those avenues. I also notice before my mouth speaks the complaints of my mind how blessed I am to be able to afford such complaints.
Less than 9% of the world has the luxury of owning a vehicle.
Can anyone truly own anything? Once I understand You don't owe me a vehicle, let alone one that functions properly, I begin to find gratitude within myself.
The temptation to call the woman I've loved and shared my life with came and went through out this weekend. Why? I know her interest in every detail of my daily life has withered to nothing. Yet, here I am battling my reflex to listen to her voice.
She is not mine. She is Yours. I am Yours.
Help me live with open hands. Your love is not conditional towards me. Help my love be unconditional towards You. Mountains or valleys, help me give my heart, my dreams, my rights, my pride to You. Her loyalty, my car, earthly wealth, I count it all as loss for the sake of knowing You.
Help me to be OK going without the things I crave.
Surrender - Marc James
And I Surrender
All to You, all to You.
May your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.
Matthew 6:10
I want your will to be done, not mine.
Matthew 26:39
-Rob Bell
The past 24 hours of my life have been an interesting test.
My car wouldn't start, jumper cables didn't work. This afternoon once my ride dropped me off after church I drove my roommates car to the auto parts store with my battery. The charge was perfect. I called a mobile mechanic. He put in a brand new starter, it still wouldn't run. I'm out a lot of money, my car doesn't start, and the insurance adjuster doesn't work on Sundays.
A younger Adam would be furious, anxious, and impatient. But as I continue my walk with You I see the futility in those avenues. I also notice before my mouth speaks the complaints of my mind how blessed I am to be able to afford such complaints.
Less than 9% of the world has the luxury of owning a vehicle.
Can anyone truly own anything? Once I understand You don't owe me a vehicle, let alone one that functions properly, I begin to find gratitude within myself.
The temptation to call the woman I've loved and shared my life with came and went through out this weekend. Why? I know her interest in every detail of my daily life has withered to nothing. Yet, here I am battling my reflex to listen to her voice.
She is not mine. She is Yours. I am Yours.
Help me live with open hands. Your love is not conditional towards me. Help my love be unconditional towards You. Mountains or valleys, help me give my heart, my dreams, my rights, my pride to You. Her loyalty, my car, earthly wealth, I count it all as loss for the sake of knowing You.
Help me to be OK going without the things I crave.
Surrender - Marc James
And I Surrender
All to You, all to You.
May your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.
Matthew 6:10
I want your will to be done, not mine.
Matthew 26:39
Saturday, January 14, 2012
01/14/12
The third truth of this broken world:
Nothing stays the same, everything changes
People change, cities change, knowledge changes, styles change, likes and dislikes change. Stop too long to smell the roses and be left behind. Stop working out and the body deteriorates, stop learning and the mind slows. Become content, let your walls down with someone and they betray.
For a long time I never appreciated this part of Your character. You never change. Under the sun never changing is an insult. To run into someone I went to high school with and for them to say "you haven't changed a bit" feels like a backhanded complement. But in Your steadfast love I find so much comfort. It isn't until the prodigal son sees his Father filled with love and compassion, running to him, embracing him, and kissing him that he learns how valuable is Your faithfulness. It isn't until You say to your servants "Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found" that your glory and honor is fully understood by an inconsistent regretful son.
But humans aren't like you. This broken world doesn't work like Your Kingdom. Down here nothing is consistent. Nothing lasts on Earth.
Luke 9:62
But Jesus told him, “Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God.”
One of my biggest struggles and sins is looking back. I am not fit for Your Kingdom. Every morning as I put my hand to the plow my rubber neck jets over my shoulder and I always look back. Help me to keep my eyes fixed forward and on you.
Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.
-C.S.Lewis
How can I not look back? There are so many triggers throughout my day that cause my eyes to stray from the present.
The morning sunlight was so bright it hurt her eyes, blinding her more than the darkness ever had. She felt his lips against her hair. "That's what I'm offering you." His breath was warm against her skin. "I want to fill your life with color and warmth. I want to fill it with light." He put his arms around her and held her back against him. "Give me a chance."
-Francine Rivers "Redeeming Love"
Reading Chapter Eleven in "Redeeming Love" rushes back countless nights.
Dark basements cuddled up listening to the DVD menu of a Brad Pitt movie on repeat late at night as I stare into eyes staring into mine. It feels so real. I can still smell her perfume, pink suede. I can still feel her stomach, moving up and down with every breath, wrapped in my arms. I can see her lips begin to form that smile forcing mine to follow suit.
These January nights take me back to shivering hugs huddled next to red cars under the star speckeld sea of space. She hops up on her tippy toes to attempt to reach eye level as she chatters her perfect white teeth. I can see her breath as I coerce a laugh out of her beautiful smile. Her eyes looking up at me with her body engulfed in my embrace as she says "we are crazy, you know? who does this?" neither of us willing to let the other leave.
Walking on the golf course in the pitch black night. Our only light was the stars that are sprinkled throughout Your infinite ceiling. My heart racing with every step as I took her hand in mine. We'd lay on the soft dewy grass of a fairway. She'd rest her long soft brown hair on my chest and look up with a big smile saying "I can hear your heart!" One hand behind my head the other around her tiny shoulders I would lean back with a smile and stare at the beautiful stars You created, amazing us with Your power.
These memories, what use to make my heart burst with emotions of love, now have turned against me. These same memories now bring feelings of pain and agony to my heart.
As a knife stabs into my gut I am reminded that this kind of thinking isn't fit for Your Kingdom. I have years of these sorts of memories stacked like dusty books in my mind. Each one of them as worthless as this fading world. I am reminded, nothing in this world stays the same, everything changes.
Genesis 19:17
one of the angels ordered, “Run for your lives! And don’t look back or stop anywhere in the valley! Escape to the mountains, or you will be swept away!”
Genesis 19:26
But Lot’s wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt.
If I were running with Lot and his family I'd have turned to salt earlier than his wife.
I miss and love her so much. I don't understand why, or what You are doing.
Lord keep my head forward as I put my hand to the plow. Let nothing that changes in this broken world make me stumble as I follow the path you have set before me. Jesus I am not fit for Your Kingdom. Only through You am I made fit. Help me learn from the past but to not live there. Make me whole. Heal me. Give me a new clean heart.
Ezekiel 36:25-27
25 “Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols. 26 And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations.
Psalm 51:10
Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Renew a loyal spirit within me.
Nothing stays the same, everything changes
People change, cities change, knowledge changes, styles change, likes and dislikes change. Stop too long to smell the roses and be left behind. Stop working out and the body deteriorates, stop learning and the mind slows. Become content, let your walls down with someone and they betray.
For a long time I never appreciated this part of Your character. You never change. Under the sun never changing is an insult. To run into someone I went to high school with and for them to say "you haven't changed a bit" feels like a backhanded complement. But in Your steadfast love I find so much comfort. It isn't until the prodigal son sees his Father filled with love and compassion, running to him, embracing him, and kissing him that he learns how valuable is Your faithfulness. It isn't until You say to your servants "Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found" that your glory and honor is fully understood by an inconsistent regretful son.
But humans aren't like you. This broken world doesn't work like Your Kingdom. Down here nothing is consistent. Nothing lasts on Earth.
Luke 9:62
But Jesus told him, “Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God.”
One of my biggest struggles and sins is looking back. I am not fit for Your Kingdom. Every morning as I put my hand to the plow my rubber neck jets over my shoulder and I always look back. Help me to keep my eyes fixed forward and on you.
Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.
-C.S.Lewis
How can I not look back? There are so many triggers throughout my day that cause my eyes to stray from the present.
The morning sunlight was so bright it hurt her eyes, blinding her more than the darkness ever had. She felt his lips against her hair. "That's what I'm offering you." His breath was warm against her skin. "I want to fill your life with color and warmth. I want to fill it with light." He put his arms around her and held her back against him. "Give me a chance."
-Francine Rivers "Redeeming Love"
Reading Chapter Eleven in "Redeeming Love" rushes back countless nights.
Dark basements cuddled up listening to the DVD menu of a Brad Pitt movie on repeat late at night as I stare into eyes staring into mine. It feels so real. I can still smell her perfume, pink suede. I can still feel her stomach, moving up and down with every breath, wrapped in my arms. I can see her lips begin to form that smile forcing mine to follow suit.
These January nights take me back to shivering hugs huddled next to red cars under the star speckeld sea of space. She hops up on her tippy toes to attempt to reach eye level as she chatters her perfect white teeth. I can see her breath as I coerce a laugh out of her beautiful smile. Her eyes looking up at me with her body engulfed in my embrace as she says "we are crazy, you know? who does this?" neither of us willing to let the other leave.
Walking on the golf course in the pitch black night. Our only light was the stars that are sprinkled throughout Your infinite ceiling. My heart racing with every step as I took her hand in mine. We'd lay on the soft dewy grass of a fairway. She'd rest her long soft brown hair on my chest and look up with a big smile saying "I can hear your heart!" One hand behind my head the other around her tiny shoulders I would lean back with a smile and stare at the beautiful stars You created, amazing us with Your power.
These memories, what use to make my heart burst with emotions of love, now have turned against me. These same memories now bring feelings of pain and agony to my heart.
As a knife stabs into my gut I am reminded that this kind of thinking isn't fit for Your Kingdom. I have years of these sorts of memories stacked like dusty books in my mind. Each one of them as worthless as this fading world. I am reminded, nothing in this world stays the same, everything changes.
Genesis 19:17
one of the angels ordered, “Run for your lives! And don’t look back or stop anywhere in the valley! Escape to the mountains, or you will be swept away!”
Genesis 19:26
But Lot’s wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt.
If I were running with Lot and his family I'd have turned to salt earlier than his wife.
I miss and love her so much. I don't understand why, or what You are doing.
Lord keep my head forward as I put my hand to the plow. Let nothing that changes in this broken world make me stumble as I follow the path you have set before me. Jesus I am not fit for Your Kingdom. Only through You am I made fit. Help me learn from the past but to not live there. Make me whole. Heal me. Give me a new clean heart.
Ezekiel 36:25-27
25 “Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols. 26 And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations.
Psalm 51:10
Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Renew a loyal spirit within me.
Friday, January 13, 2012
01/13/12
The second truth of this broken world:
I can't control anything except myself
Even then it's a daily/hourly battle with flesh and capturing thoughts. The only thing I can control, I'm not very good at controlling.
What is stopping a person from one day telling the person who loves them:
Going forward, I need you to know that just because it is not God's plan for me to end up with you does not mean I lied to you and do not care about you. Everything I told you was my heart. I honestly thought that was God's plan. But you see I got too caught up in what I thought God's plan was and trying to make that work, instead of just letting God lead me.
And what can the other person do? They can't force love, they can't control another person. That's it. My eyes begin to open to precisely how powerless I truly am. At that point nothing matters. Feelings, emotions, memories, commitments, words, actions, years, prayers, tears, regrets, improvements, nothing. I am powerless to everything under the sun.
Was this your plan God? To lead her away from my heart? Did I love her too much? Did I place our relationship higher than You? Was this the only way to teach me whatever it is you are teaching me? Why did it feel like Your plan to me and the opposite to her? Did You change Your plan?
All of these questions are useless. I will never get the answers I want and even if I did it wouldn't change anything.
I can't control anything. What's stopping my best friend from telling me they love me for eight years and then one day waking up and telling me they don't? Nothing. What can I do when that happens? Nothing. Why should I extend my heart to someone knowing full well that nothing is keeping them to me? Why should I believe words about love from someone who could the very next day be content never communicating with me for the rest of their life?
Ecclesiastes 10:9
When you work in a quarry,
stones might fall and crush you.
When you chop wood,
there is danger with each stroke of your ax.
There is danger with each stroke of your axe. Likewise, there is danger with each mention of love towards a human.
Ecclesiastes 9:12
People can never predict when hard times might come. Like fish in a net or birds in a trap, people are caught by sudden tragedy.
I am utterly powerless. Pain could happen from any direction at any time. So what am I to do? How am I to live?
Ecclesiastes 5:18
Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good. It is good for people to eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them, and to accept their lot in life.
Proverbs 30:7-9
7 O God, I beg two favors from you;
let me have them before I die.
8 First, help me never to tell a lie.
Second, give me neither poverty nor riches!
Give me just enough to satisfy my needs.
9 For if I grow rich, I may deny you and say, “Who is the LORD?”
And if I am too poor, I may steal and thus insult God’s holy name.
Help me, Jesus, to accept my lot in life. Give me just enough to satisfy my needs.
All I need is you
I can't control anything except myself
Even then it's a daily/hourly battle with flesh and capturing thoughts. The only thing I can control, I'm not very good at controlling.
What is stopping a person from one day telling the person who loves them:
Going forward, I need you to know that just because it is not God's plan for me to end up with you does not mean I lied to you and do not care about you. Everything I told you was my heart. I honestly thought that was God's plan. But you see I got too caught up in what I thought God's plan was and trying to make that work, instead of just letting God lead me.
And what can the other person do? They can't force love, they can't control another person. That's it. My eyes begin to open to precisely how powerless I truly am. At that point nothing matters. Feelings, emotions, memories, commitments, words, actions, years, prayers, tears, regrets, improvements, nothing. I am powerless to everything under the sun.
Was this your plan God? To lead her away from my heart? Did I love her too much? Did I place our relationship higher than You? Was this the only way to teach me whatever it is you are teaching me? Why did it feel like Your plan to me and the opposite to her? Did You change Your plan?
All of these questions are useless. I will never get the answers I want and even if I did it wouldn't change anything.
I can't control anything. What's stopping my best friend from telling me they love me for eight years and then one day waking up and telling me they don't? Nothing. What can I do when that happens? Nothing. Why should I extend my heart to someone knowing full well that nothing is keeping them to me? Why should I believe words about love from someone who could the very next day be content never communicating with me for the rest of their life?
Ecclesiastes 10:9
When you work in a quarry,
stones might fall and crush you.
When you chop wood,
there is danger with each stroke of your ax.
There is danger with each stroke of your axe. Likewise, there is danger with each mention of love towards a human.
Ecclesiastes 9:12
People can never predict when hard times might come. Like fish in a net or birds in a trap, people are caught by sudden tragedy.
I am utterly powerless. Pain could happen from any direction at any time. So what am I to do? How am I to live?
Ecclesiastes 5:18
Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good. It is good for people to eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them, and to accept their lot in life.
Proverbs 30:7-9
7 O God, I beg two favors from you;
let me have them before I die.
8 First, help me never to tell a lie.
Second, give me neither poverty nor riches!
Give me just enough to satisfy my needs.
9 For if I grow rich, I may deny you and say, “Who is the LORD?”
And if I am too poor, I may steal and thus insult God’s holy name.
Help me, Jesus, to accept my lot in life. Give me just enough to satisfy my needs.
All I need is you
Thursday, January 12, 2012
01/12/12
God of this City - Chris Tomlin
Homeless donate to the poor
By: Meredith Heagney
The Columbus Dispatch - January 11, 2012 15:01 PM
You don't think homeless people would donate money to the poorest of the poor. But that's just what happened in recent weeks at Vineyard Church of Columbus' Fifth Avenue food pantry, said the Rev. Rich Nathan, senior pastor of the megachurch near Westerville.
Vineyard has many ministries, one of which serves a leper colony in Zambia, in Africa.
Recently, one of the church's ministers posted a notice at the food pantry at 181 E. Fifth Ave. saying there would be a collection for the lepers. These lepers live in extreme poverty and are stigmatized and isolated from society.
The men and women who attend the food pantry and its church services do not have much, but they had a little, and they gave it, Nathan said. In about two weeks, they raised nearly $550. About 35 "regulars" come to a Monday night service. Some are homeless, and others are simply poor.
Still, they scrounged the money up however they could and turned it in in a big plastic bag, Nathan said. The story will be told on video at upcoming services at Vineyard.
Nathan said he was inspired.
"The notion that those who are experiencing poverty in America would be concerned about extreme poverty (in other parts of the world), tells me these folks are the followers of Jesus," Nathan said.
"You don't need a lot to be able to give to somebody else."
Greater things are yet to come greater things are still to be done in this city.
I don't know what this means or what You are planning to do with the Monday Night Service but I am in shock. You will be glorified, and all glory belongs to You, Jesus. I'm excited to see what you have in store for Monday Nights please keep sending more Holy Spirit to dwell in the pantry and more of Your presence in the hearts of our brothers and sisters who attend the service.
I am overwhelmed.
Homeless donate to the poor
By: Meredith Heagney
The Columbus Dispatch - January 11, 2012 15:01 PM
You don't think homeless people would donate money to the poorest of the poor. But that's just what happened in recent weeks at Vineyard Church of Columbus' Fifth Avenue food pantry, said the Rev. Rich Nathan, senior pastor of the megachurch near Westerville.
Vineyard has many ministries, one of which serves a leper colony in Zambia, in Africa.
Recently, one of the church's ministers posted a notice at the food pantry at 181 E. Fifth Ave. saying there would be a collection for the lepers. These lepers live in extreme poverty and are stigmatized and isolated from society.
The men and women who attend the food pantry and its church services do not have much, but they had a little, and they gave it, Nathan said. In about two weeks, they raised nearly $550. About 35 "regulars" come to a Monday night service. Some are homeless, and others are simply poor.
Still, they scrounged the money up however they could and turned it in in a big plastic bag, Nathan said. The story will be told on video at upcoming services at Vineyard.
Nathan said he was inspired.
"The notion that those who are experiencing poverty in America would be concerned about extreme poverty (in other parts of the world), tells me these folks are the followers of Jesus," Nathan said.
"You don't need a lot to be able to give to somebody else."
Greater things are yet to come greater things are still to be done in this city.
I don't know what this means or what You are planning to do with the Monday Night Service but I am in shock. You will be glorified, and all glory belongs to You, Jesus. I'm excited to see what you have in store for Monday Nights please keep sending more Holy Spirit to dwell in the pantry and more of Your presence in the hearts of our brothers and sisters who attend the service.
I am overwhelmed.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
01/11/12
In my 24 years of life under the sun I've learned three truths of this broken world.
The First is that
No one Truly Cares About Anyone
Humans aren't capable of love.
Humans are patient and kind. Humans are not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. They do not demand their own way. They are not irritable, and they keep no record of being wronged. They do not rejoice about injustice but rejoice whenever the truth wins out. Humans never give up, never lose faith, are always hopeful, and endure through every circumstance.
Listen to how completely absurd that sounds. The older I get and the more people I talk with the more I become aware of the brokenness that engulfs the lives of every human.
The world is filled with hurt people hurting people.
I was told this first truth numerous times by someone I love very much. I never understood why they were so focused on it. I figured everyone knew that everyone is selfish. But this person isn't like everyone else, or so I thought, this person seemed to genuinely truly care about others and when it wasn't returned they began to realize this truth.
It wasn't until this person showed me first hand how much people ultimately only do care about their own happiness and their own wants above others that I believed and discovered this first truth.
Proverbs 4:23
Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life.
I always thought Proverbs 4:23 sounded cold and selfish. It was only after I neglected to guard my heart and forgot that no one truly cares that I learned the value and weight of Proverbs 4:23.
I feel so foolish for letting someone in. Why let anyone in? No one truly cares. They seem like they care, they might even fool themselves into thinking they care but sooner or later the truth will come out. I feel like a novelty souvenir shop. I let people in they walk around for a while they oo and ah at all the interesting items of my life I have displayed. They take pictures and tell friends. They share my inventory with their family they talk about how my stock would fit perfectly into their life and home but once the lap around the shop is done and the novelty starts to wear off they realize that the prices are a little higher than they'd like and they don't really NEED any of it. Probably find something similar back home for a lot cheaper. They thank me for letting them walk around the shop and then out the door they go never to return. Why even open the shop? Giving pieces of myself away to countless people who come in and out of my life.
Of all the commandments, which is the most important?
You answered that question with Deuteronomy 6:5 and Leviticus 19:18:
The second is equally important: "love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD." No other commandment is greater than these.
How am I suppose to do this? I am not capable of loving someone as I love myself. No one is. Is it possible to obey one of the greatest commands while still guarding my own heart? I can attempt to love my broken neighbors with my broken love as best I can but I'm going to need a lot of help from You.
Is it possible to love my neighbor as I love myself while still guarding my heart?
I can't handle going through what I'm going through now again. I refuse to do it. I'll give my heart completely to You but no one else. You and you alone are capable of truly caring.
God is Love (1 John 4:8)
The First is that
No one Truly Cares About Anyone
Humans aren't capable of love.
Humans are patient and kind. Humans are not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. They do not demand their own way. They are not irritable, and they keep no record of being wronged. They do not rejoice about injustice but rejoice whenever the truth wins out. Humans never give up, never lose faith, are always hopeful, and endure through every circumstance.
Listen to how completely absurd that sounds. The older I get and the more people I talk with the more I become aware of the brokenness that engulfs the lives of every human.
The world is filled with hurt people hurting people.
I was told this first truth numerous times by someone I love very much. I never understood why they were so focused on it. I figured everyone knew that everyone is selfish. But this person isn't like everyone else, or so I thought, this person seemed to genuinely truly care about others and when it wasn't returned they began to realize this truth.
It wasn't until this person showed me first hand how much people ultimately only do care about their own happiness and their own wants above others that I believed and discovered this first truth.
Proverbs 4:23
Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life.
I always thought Proverbs 4:23 sounded cold and selfish. It was only after I neglected to guard my heart and forgot that no one truly cares that I learned the value and weight of Proverbs 4:23.
I feel so foolish for letting someone in. Why let anyone in? No one truly cares. They seem like they care, they might even fool themselves into thinking they care but sooner or later the truth will come out. I feel like a novelty souvenir shop. I let people in they walk around for a while they oo and ah at all the interesting items of my life I have displayed. They take pictures and tell friends. They share my inventory with their family they talk about how my stock would fit perfectly into their life and home but once the lap around the shop is done and the novelty starts to wear off they realize that the prices are a little higher than they'd like and they don't really NEED any of it. Probably find something similar back home for a lot cheaper. They thank me for letting them walk around the shop and then out the door they go never to return. Why even open the shop? Giving pieces of myself away to countless people who come in and out of my life.
Of all the commandments, which is the most important?
You answered that question with Deuteronomy 6:5 and Leviticus 19:18:
The second is equally important: "love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD." No other commandment is greater than these.
How am I suppose to do this? I am not capable of loving someone as I love myself. No one is. Is it possible to obey one of the greatest commands while still guarding my own heart? I can attempt to love my broken neighbors with my broken love as best I can but I'm going to need a lot of help from You.
Is it possible to love my neighbor as I love myself while still guarding my heart?
I can't handle going through what I'm going through now again. I refuse to do it. I'll give my heart completely to You but no one else. You and you alone are capable of truly caring.
God is Love (1 John 4:8)
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
01/10/12
Why do Christians act differently? Shouldn't we all have the same general attitude?
There are some Motivational Speaker Christians, Then there are the Culturally Relevant Christians, The Awkward Christians, The Judgmental Christians, and so many more.
Why am I not like the Flanders?
How are some people like that but others aren't?
Is there a reason I'm not like them?
Is it too late for me to be like them?
What if I want to be like that but it just isn't who I am. Some Christians act like Flanders to people and it isn't that I don't love you and want to get that excited about You it just isn't who I am. Have I not gone far enough in my walk with You? Are there still parts of me in me that I haven't let You have? If You created a perfect family would You want them to be like the Flanders? Am I too broken and exposed to this world that I've lost the chance at my Flanders life?
All I see in the Word are broken hurt people trying to give you glory. I don't see any Flanders. Where did this idea come from? Why do nonbelievers think the Motivational Speaker
"God owes me a life of wealth and happiness because He loves me"
Christian is who we are? I can't find any of them in the Word.
As I read I keep finding You telling me "I owe you nothing, and you deserve nothing." Thankfully though because You are gracious and merciful life isn't always filled with nothing.
I was once told if I view life like a hotel then I would be very unhappy with it. The service sucks, It's expensive, The room wasn't what I thought it would be and so on. If I view life like a prison suddenly my attitude changes. Well at least I get to go outside. I get time to talk with other inmates. The work is hard but I get meals and a place to rest my head.
Some Christians think they are god. That You are here to serve them and give them a good life. Listen to how many times the person says "I" "Me" instead of "God" "Lord" "King" "Savior" "Jesus"
“From start to finish, this movie is obviously about God. He is the main character. How is it possible that we live as though it is about us?”
-Francis Chan
Do You want me happy, blessed, rich, and healthy? Or do You want me dependent and faithful to You? “If life were stable, I'd never need God's help.” I ask then that You never make my life stable. I'd rather limp into your presences than strut into Hell.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. (Matthew 5:5)
meek /mēk/ - Quiet, gentle, and easily imposed on; submissive
Is Joel Osteen meek?
There are some Motivational Speaker Christians, Then there are the Culturally Relevant Christians, The Awkward Christians, The Judgmental Christians, and so many more.
Why am I not like the Flanders?
How are some people like that but others aren't?
Is there a reason I'm not like them?
Is it too late for me to be like them?
What if I want to be like that but it just isn't who I am. Some Christians act like Flanders to people and it isn't that I don't love you and want to get that excited about You it just isn't who I am. Have I not gone far enough in my walk with You? Are there still parts of me in me that I haven't let You have? If You created a perfect family would You want them to be like the Flanders? Am I too broken and exposed to this world that I've lost the chance at my Flanders life?
All I see in the Word are broken hurt people trying to give you glory. I don't see any Flanders. Where did this idea come from? Why do nonbelievers think the Motivational Speaker
"God owes me a life of wealth and happiness because He loves me"
Christian is who we are? I can't find any of them in the Word.
As I read I keep finding You telling me "I owe you nothing, and you deserve nothing." Thankfully though because You are gracious and merciful life isn't always filled with nothing.
I was once told if I view life like a hotel then I would be very unhappy with it. The service sucks, It's expensive, The room wasn't what I thought it would be and so on. If I view life like a prison suddenly my attitude changes. Well at least I get to go outside. I get time to talk with other inmates. The work is hard but I get meals and a place to rest my head.
Some Christians think they are god. That You are here to serve them and give them a good life. Listen to how many times the person says "I" "Me" instead of "God" "Lord" "King" "Savior" "Jesus"
“From start to finish, this movie is obviously about God. He is the main character. How is it possible that we live as though it is about us?”
-Francis Chan
Do You want me happy, blessed, rich, and healthy? Or do You want me dependent and faithful to You? “If life were stable, I'd never need God's help.” I ask then that You never make my life stable. I'd rather limp into your presences than strut into Hell.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. (Matthew 5:5)
meek /mēk/ - Quiet, gentle, and easily imposed on; submissive
Is Joel Osteen meek?
Sunday, January 8, 2012
01/08/12
For He claims all, because He is love and must bless. He cannot bless us unless He has us. When we try to keep within us an area that is our own, we try to keep an area of death. Therefore, in love, He claims all. There's no bargaining with Him.
-C.S.Lewis
It's been exactly three months today.
My God, I have never thanked Thee for my thorn. I have thanked Thee a thousand times for my roses, but not once for my thorn. I have been looking forward to a world where I shall get compensation for my cross; but I have never thought of my cross as itself a present glory. Teach me the glory of my cross; teach me the value of my thorn. Show me that I have climbed to Thee by the path of pain. Show me that my tears have made my rainbows. Reveal to me that my strength was the product of that hour when I wrestled until the breaking of the day. Then shall I know that my thorn was blessed by Thee, then shall I know that my cross was a gift from Thee, and I shall raise a monument to the hour of my sorrow, and the words which I shall write upon it will be these : "It was good for me to have been afflicted."
-George Matheson
Praising you in the storm, praising you for thorns, or praising you in the desert always sounds so noble until it is my turn.
I still have so many questions.
I am still completely in shock.
I am hurt, confused, jealous, angry, betrayed, abandoned, and I am completely in your hands.
Three months and I still find the first question every morning to be "Is this really happening?"
Wasn't this what you wanted for me? Wasn't this what you wanted for us? If not then why did everything happen the way that it did? Why do I have feelings, emotions, memories, and commitments that seem to suggest differently?
What am I suppose to do now? How am I suppose to carry on? How do I know if the next one to come along isn't what you want either especially if feelings, emotions, memories, and commitments can deceive me.
I don't believe this was your will for us.
I don't believe you intended this to be torn apart.
I do believe that you can redeem this. I know everyday humans make choices that can never be undone. Although it may not be your will, You can use it for your glory.
Did you plan for this to test me? Or because this happened to me, you will now use it to teach me?
Although, I still find the first question every morning to be "Is this really happening?" I must force the second to quickly follow "How can I serve You today?"
-C.S.Lewis
It's been exactly three months today.
My God, I have never thanked Thee for my thorn. I have thanked Thee a thousand times for my roses, but not once for my thorn. I have been looking forward to a world where I shall get compensation for my cross; but I have never thought of my cross as itself a present glory. Teach me the glory of my cross; teach me the value of my thorn. Show me that I have climbed to Thee by the path of pain. Show me that my tears have made my rainbows. Reveal to me that my strength was the product of that hour when I wrestled until the breaking of the day. Then shall I know that my thorn was blessed by Thee, then shall I know that my cross was a gift from Thee, and I shall raise a monument to the hour of my sorrow, and the words which I shall write upon it will be these : "It was good for me to have been afflicted."
-George Matheson
Praising you in the storm, praising you for thorns, or praising you in the desert always sounds so noble until it is my turn.
I still have so many questions.
I am still completely in shock.
I am hurt, confused, jealous, angry, betrayed, abandoned, and I am completely in your hands.
Three months and I still find the first question every morning to be "Is this really happening?"
Wasn't this what you wanted for me? Wasn't this what you wanted for us? If not then why did everything happen the way that it did? Why do I have feelings, emotions, memories, and commitments that seem to suggest differently?
What am I suppose to do now? How am I suppose to carry on? How do I know if the next one to come along isn't what you want either especially if feelings, emotions, memories, and commitments can deceive me.
I don't believe this was your will for us.
I don't believe you intended this to be torn apart.
I do believe that you can redeem this. I know everyday humans make choices that can never be undone. Although it may not be your will, You can use it for your glory.
Did you plan for this to test me? Or because this happened to me, you will now use it to teach me?
Although, I still find the first question every morning to be "Is this really happening?" I must force the second to quickly follow "How can I serve You today?"
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