God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.
-C.S.Lewis
Lord I want to thank You for my thorns. It is through my brokenness and through my pain that I am able to hear You.
The LORD gave another message to Jeremiah. He said, “Go down to the potter’s shop, and I will speak to you there.” So I did as he told me and found the potter working at his wheel. But the jar he was making did not turn out as he had hoped, so he crushed it into a lump of clay again and started over. Then the LORD gave me this message: “O Israel, can I not do to you as this potter has done to his clay? As the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in my hand.
-Jeremiah 18:1-6
Jesus crush me into a lump. Start over in me. I want to turn out as You had hoped. If I do not hear Your whispers or Your words then please shout to me through thorns. I am clay in Your hands. O God I want nothing of this Earth to possess my heart. No person, no activity, no object, nothing. I want to offer You my heart, wholly. Build my house on the rock.
A merciful man aims at his neighbour's good and so does 'God's will', consciously co-operating with the simple good. A cruel man oppresses his neighbour, and so does simple evil. But in doing such evil, he is used by God, without his own knowledge or consent, to produce the complex good so that the first man serves God as a son, and the second as a tool. For you will certainly carry out God's purpose, however you act, but it makes a difference to you whether you serve like Judas or like John.
-C.S.Lewis
I wonder if she talks to You about me. Through her simple evil You will produce complex good.
I don't believe this was your will for us.
I don't believe you intended us to be torn apart.
I do believe that You will redeem this.
Jesus I thank You for your redemption. Thank You for being the redeeming God. I know this truth, Your purpose will prevail. Your purpose is good for You are good.
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
-Romans 8:28
Although I do not understand this pain, although I do not understand my brokenness, I trust in Your unfailing love, Your unfailing faithfulness, and Your goodness. Lord do not relent. Continue to refine me in Your furnace continue to crush me on Your potter's wheel. Continue to shout to me through pain. Create in me the leader You had hoped. Show me how to lead, serve, and lift up the men You've entrusted to me. Show me how to lead, serve, and lift up the pour and powerless. Lord let my voice speak Your words on behalf of my invisible brothers and sisters of not just this city but this world. Use my hands to love Your forgotten children: orphans, imprisoned, homeless, elderly, and broken. I am Yours, I lay myself down. Spend this life of mine however in order to display Your love to the unloved. Help me display the love You've shown me.
I am clay in Your hands.
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your Hands - JJ Heller
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
02/25/12
I've never felt so hollow. I'm an old abandoned church with broken pews and empty aisles. My secrets for a buck. Watch me as I cut myself wide open on this stage. Yes, I am paid to spill my guts.
-I Will Play My Game Beneath the Spin Light
Oscars are tomorrow. Doesn't feel all that long ago I was watching them last year. I don't know if I'll ever forget that weekend. The older we get the more scarred we become. We wear our brokenness like wrinkles as we age. A lot of stuff reminds me of her, us, what was. Reading Nehemiah, stocking up on snacks, holding her. Pouring out ἔρως towards one another. Lord I see how foolish I was to neglect my heart. Refill me o God, I will guard this new heart better.
Have mercy on me, O God,
because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
blot out the stain of my sins.
Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Oh, give me back my joy again;
you have broken me—
now let me rejoice.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and make me willing to obey you.
Look with favor on Zion and help her;
rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Remove the stain of my guilt.
Create in me a clean heart, O God.
rebuild the walls of my heart.
The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.
Jesus, my heart is broken. Please do not reject it o God. Give me back my joy again, let me rejoice.
White as Snow - Jon Foreman
Wash me white as snow, I will be made whole.
-I Will Play My Game Beneath the Spin Light
Oscars are tomorrow. Doesn't feel all that long ago I was watching them last year. I don't know if I'll ever forget that weekend. The older we get the more scarred we become. We wear our brokenness like wrinkles as we age. A lot of stuff reminds me of her, us, what was. Reading Nehemiah, stocking up on snacks, holding her. Pouring out ἔρως towards one another. Lord I see how foolish I was to neglect my heart. Refill me o God, I will guard this new heart better.
Have mercy on me, O God,
because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
blot out the stain of my sins.
Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Oh, give me back my joy again;
you have broken me—
now let me rejoice.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and make me willing to obey you.
Look with favor on Zion and help her;
rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Remove the stain of my guilt.
Create in me a clean heart, O God.
rebuild the walls of my heart.
The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.
Jesus, my heart is broken. Please do not reject it o God. Give me back my joy again, let me rejoice.
White as Snow - Jon Foreman
Wash me white as snow, I will be made whole.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
02/23/12
We have a strange illusion that mere time cancels sin....The guilt is washed out not by time but by repentance and the blood of Christ: if we have repented these early sins we should remember the price of our forgiveness and be humble.
-The Problem of Pain Chapter 4 Human Wickedness
November 1 Month After
December 2 Months After
January 3 Months After
February 4 Months After
I've gained back the 15lbs that I lost after the first month.
Plus I'm up 7lbs from my normal weight.
Time heals all, or so they say. Time may make me look whole on the outside. But I still need a lot of work done on the inside.
Being fit is bitter sweet. It's sweet because it feels good to be in shape it's bitter because I don't get to hold her close. I know she never cared about my body but it's something nice I'd like to do for her. I remember when she wrote me that letter, You know the one. She doesn't care what my body looks like now. She doesn't care about when I couldn't eat for a month. She doesn't care that I've gain weight.
At least You see my bod. I'm learning to do things for You. Not in a weird way but in a way You are the bridegroom. Even though I don't have her to share my hard work with at least You see me and I can share it with You.
09/25/11 last time I kissed her. As I continue to read this Josh Harris book the more I want to make the commitment to not kiss another woman until we are at the altar. If I'll ever be at the altar. Lord I don't want to go through this again. I don't want to put myself out there and I don't want to disrespect a woman. It's a big commitment to possibly never kiss another woman but I want to do it. I'm not officially committing to it yet but the more I reflect on the pain inflicted by her betrayal the more appealing it looks.
Have I repented of every stain? Have I fallen into the lie that time cancels sin? Time doesn't heal all. These wounds I have from this broken relationship won't scar until You've healed me. Nothing, not even time will heal me other than You. Time might be able to help my body look healthy and healed but my spirit, my soul, my heart can only be healed by You.
In You there is hope, there is peace, there is love and the power of God that reigns down from above.It is You that can cut through the darkness of night by the power of Your marvelous light. God lift up my head to understand Your will in the depths of despair You are deeper still.
God lift up my head to look in to Your marvelous light.
Lift Up My Head - Jeff Anderson
April
May
-The Problem of Pain Chapter 4 Human Wickedness
November 1 Month After
December 2 Months After
January 3 Months After
February 4 Months After
I've gained back the 15lbs that I lost after the first month.
Plus I'm up 7lbs from my normal weight.
Time heals all, or so they say. Time may make me look whole on the outside. But I still need a lot of work done on the inside.
Being fit is bitter sweet. It's sweet because it feels good to be in shape it's bitter because I don't get to hold her close. I know she never cared about my body but it's something nice I'd like to do for her. I remember when she wrote me that letter, You know the one. She doesn't care what my body looks like now. She doesn't care about when I couldn't eat for a month. She doesn't care that I've gain weight.
At least You see my bod. I'm learning to do things for You. Not in a weird way but in a way You are the bridegroom. Even though I don't have her to share my hard work with at least You see me and I can share it with You.
09/25/11 last time I kissed her. As I continue to read this Josh Harris book the more I want to make the commitment to not kiss another woman until we are at the altar. If I'll ever be at the altar. Lord I don't want to go through this again. I don't want to put myself out there and I don't want to disrespect a woman. It's a big commitment to possibly never kiss another woman but I want to do it. I'm not officially committing to it yet but the more I reflect on the pain inflicted by her betrayal the more appealing it looks.
Have I repented of every stain? Have I fallen into the lie that time cancels sin? Time doesn't heal all. These wounds I have from this broken relationship won't scar until You've healed me. Nothing, not even time will heal me other than You. Time might be able to help my body look healthy and healed but my spirit, my soul, my heart can only be healed by You.
In You there is hope, there is peace, there is love and the power of God that reigns down from above.It is You that can cut through the darkness of night by the power of Your marvelous light. God lift up my head to understand Your will in the depths of despair You are deeper still.
God lift up my head to look in to Your marvelous light.
Lift Up My Head - Jeff Anderson
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
02/21/12
95 months
Today is her youngest brother's birthday. It stings to not be a part of the family anymore.
The longer you know someone - and the longer you allow someone to know you - the more the light and shadows inside each person become more vivid.
-Joy Williams
Poison & Wine - The Civil Wars
You only know what I want I you to
I know everything you don't want me to
your mouth is poison your mouth is wine
you think your dreams are the same as mine
I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
well the less I give the more I get back
your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice, but I'd still choose you
I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
She saw me, she didn't see my shame, my failures, my sin, aside from You she is the only one who knows me. She invested time and love into me for a third of our lives, because she is the only human to do that with me she is the only human who can fully love me.
Or in this case fully reject me.
Thus her love feels greater than anything of this world.
Yet,her rejection afflicts deeper than anything of this world.
She demanded nothing, I tried to be everything, I've become nothing to her.
She's always known my heart. I could look her in the eyes and she would know exactly what I was feeling. I remember her comment nearly two years ago on another blog of mine. She knows me. We shared the same dreams for our future. At least I thought her dreams were the same as mine.
Why does it have to hurt? Why do I have to feel pain because of her choice not even my own.
I gave her all my ἔρως I have none left to give to another woman.
My storge is only for family out of obligation.
My agape is only for You, and even then it's nearly impossible for me to express.
Philio is the only love I will express to humans. It is the only one left I have to give. I will guard this one more carefully.
I felt a lot like Jonah running from where You wanted me to be. A little over a year ago I got tired of running tired of shame. I turned back to You and her. Everything felt restored to the correct order. I was living my life out of the darkness and into the light.
But now I am confused it's as if Jonah was tossed over board but the whale wouldn't eat him. I feel as if I am trying to pry open it's mouth, what happened to the plan? What happened to the restoration of order? I am drowning in the middle of the dark cold sea confused and abandoned.
What happens when I've never felt more at peace than when I'm with her and she has never felt more at peace than when she never sees me again?
Like two armies praying for victory, saying You are on their side. I don't understand and I doubt I ever will.
Today is fat Tuesday, I've already filled my stomach with pączkis for the year. What would You like me to abstain from, what would You like me to engage in during this season of lent?
Draw me closer to You Jesus, Help me abstain from entanglements of this world. Help me engage in practices that strengthen my pursuit of You.
Today is her youngest brother's birthday. It stings to not be a part of the family anymore.
The longer you know someone - and the longer you allow someone to know you - the more the light and shadows inside each person become more vivid.
-Joy Williams
Poison & Wine - The Civil Wars
You only know what I want I you to
I know everything you don't want me to
your mouth is poison your mouth is wine
you think your dreams are the same as mine
I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
well the less I give the more I get back
your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice, but I'd still choose you
I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I don't love you but I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
She saw me, she didn't see my shame, my failures, my sin, aside from You she is the only one who knows me. She invested time and love into me for a third of our lives, because she is the only human to do that with me she is the only human who can fully love me.
Or in this case fully reject me.
Thus her love feels greater than anything of this world.
Yet,her rejection afflicts deeper than anything of this world.
She demanded nothing, I tried to be everything, I've become nothing to her.
She's always known my heart. I could look her in the eyes and she would know exactly what I was feeling. I remember her comment nearly two years ago on another blog of mine. She knows me. We shared the same dreams for our future. At least I thought her dreams were the same as mine.
Why does it have to hurt? Why do I have to feel pain because of her choice not even my own.
I gave her all my ἔρως I have none left to give to another woman.
My storge is only for family out of obligation.
My agape is only for You, and even then it's nearly impossible for me to express.
Philio is the only love I will express to humans. It is the only one left I have to give. I will guard this one more carefully.
I felt a lot like Jonah running from where You wanted me to be. A little over a year ago I got tired of running tired of shame. I turned back to You and her. Everything felt restored to the correct order. I was living my life out of the darkness and into the light.
But now I am confused it's as if Jonah was tossed over board but the whale wouldn't eat him. I feel as if I am trying to pry open it's mouth, what happened to the plan? What happened to the restoration of order? I am drowning in the middle of the dark cold sea confused and abandoned.
What happens when I've never felt more at peace than when I'm with her and she has never felt more at peace than when she never sees me again?
Like two armies praying for victory, saying You are on their side. I don't understand and I doubt I ever will.
Today is fat Tuesday, I've already filled my stomach with pączkis for the year. What would You like me to abstain from, what would You like me to engage in during this season of lent?
Draw me closer to You Jesus, Help me abstain from entanglements of this world. Help me engage in practices that strengthen my pursuit of You.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
02/19/12
If God were good, He would wish to make His creatures perfectly happy, and if God were almighty He would be able to do what He wished. But the creatures are not happy. Therefore God lacks either goodness, or power, or both. This is the problem of pain, in its simplest form.
Our design is...only to discover how, perceiving a suffering world, and being assured, on quite different grounds, that God is good, we are to conceive that goodness and that suffering without contradiction.
With every advance in our thought the unity of the creative act, and the impossibility of tinkering with the creation as though this or that element of it could have been removed, will be more apparent. Perhaps this is not the 'best of all possible' universes, but the only possible one.
-The Problem of Pain Chapter 2 Divine Omnipotence
Without free will, without the option of selfishness, without pain, without brokenness there can be no love from me to You.
This universe certainly isn't the best of all possible You could have created but it is the only possible for me to express my love for You. Perhaps that in itself makes this universe the best of all possible. With the impossibility of You tinkering with the creation as though this or that element of it could be removed so that I am given the ability to express my being however I choose within the confines of the laws of the universe You have set in place it allows me the opportunity to both bless and curse my brothers along with hopeless obedience towards You or blatant blasphemy to Your face.
Yet, because of my selfish nature though I attempt to bring only blessings to my brothers and only obedience towards You I am faced with my broken insufficiency daily.
If your thoughts and passions were directly present to me, like my own, without any mark of externality or otherness, how should I distinguish them from mine? And what thoughts or passions could we begin to have without objects to think and feel about? Nay, could I even begin to have the conception of 'external' and 'other' unless I had experience of an 'external world'?
You may reply, as a Christian, that God (and Satan) do, in fact, affect my consciousness in this direct way without signs of 'externality'. Yes: and the result is that most people remain ignorant of the existance of both.
-The Problem of Pain Chapter 2 Divine Omnipotence
Without the external world as is, without the freedom to manipulate my environment within the confines of Your laws of nature I wouldn't be able to express both love and hate, blessings and cures, obedience and defiance. I wouldn't be able to discern which thoughts and ideas are my own and which thoughts and ideas are my brothers.
Still, You and the enemy both have the ability to express thoughts and passions to be directly. Because of this it is difficult, sometimes seemingly impossible to sort between You, him, and myself. Do I have free will or are the thoughts that I think are mine actually Yours or Satan's implanted?
When I make the choice to follow You is that my own thought or did You affect my consciousness without a sign of externality? I know I couldn't choose You on my own. I am too sinful. I am too selfish. I am too weak.
God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
Ephesians 2:8-10
Jesus I cannot boast about my salvation. It is only by Your grace. I cannot even say glory to me for I have chosen to follow Jesus. It is by Your grace that my consciousness has chosen to follow.
I am a sinner If its not one thing its another, Caught up in words Tangled in lies
You are the Savior And you take brokenness aside And make it beautiful, Beautiful.
All Sons & Daughters - Brokenness Aside
Jesus, take my brokenness aside and make it beautiful.
Make me beautiful.
Our design is...only to discover how, perceiving a suffering world, and being assured, on quite different grounds, that God is good, we are to conceive that goodness and that suffering without contradiction.
With every advance in our thought the unity of the creative act, and the impossibility of tinkering with the creation as though this or that element of it could have been removed, will be more apparent. Perhaps this is not the 'best of all possible' universes, but the only possible one.
-The Problem of Pain Chapter 2 Divine Omnipotence
Without free will, without the option of selfishness, without pain, without brokenness there can be no love from me to You.
This universe certainly isn't the best of all possible You could have created but it is the only possible for me to express my love for You. Perhaps that in itself makes this universe the best of all possible. With the impossibility of You tinkering with the creation as though this or that element of it could be removed so that I am given the ability to express my being however I choose within the confines of the laws of the universe You have set in place it allows me the opportunity to both bless and curse my brothers along with hopeless obedience towards You or blatant blasphemy to Your face.
Yet, because of my selfish nature though I attempt to bring only blessings to my brothers and only obedience towards You I am faced with my broken insufficiency daily.
If your thoughts and passions were directly present to me, like my own, without any mark of externality or otherness, how should I distinguish them from mine? And what thoughts or passions could we begin to have without objects to think and feel about? Nay, could I even begin to have the conception of 'external' and 'other' unless I had experience of an 'external world'?
You may reply, as a Christian, that God (and Satan) do, in fact, affect my consciousness in this direct way without signs of 'externality'. Yes: and the result is that most people remain ignorant of the existance of both.
-The Problem of Pain Chapter 2 Divine Omnipotence
Without the external world as is, without the freedom to manipulate my environment within the confines of Your laws of nature I wouldn't be able to express both love and hate, blessings and cures, obedience and defiance. I wouldn't be able to discern which thoughts and ideas are my own and which thoughts and ideas are my brothers.
Still, You and the enemy both have the ability to express thoughts and passions to be directly. Because of this it is difficult, sometimes seemingly impossible to sort between You, him, and myself. Do I have free will or are the thoughts that I think are mine actually Yours or Satan's implanted?
When I make the choice to follow You is that my own thought or did You affect my consciousness without a sign of externality? I know I couldn't choose You on my own. I am too sinful. I am too selfish. I am too weak.
God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
Ephesians 2:8-10
Jesus I cannot boast about my salvation. It is only by Your grace. I cannot even say glory to me for I have chosen to follow Jesus. It is by Your grace that my consciousness has chosen to follow.
I am a sinner If its not one thing its another, Caught up in words Tangled in lies
You are the Savior And you take brokenness aside And make it beautiful, Beautiful.
All Sons & Daughters - Brokenness Aside
Jesus, take my brokenness aside and make it beautiful.
Make me beautiful.
Friday, February 17, 2012
02/17/12
A belief, no matter how sincere, if not reflected in reality isn't a belief, it's a delusion.
-Kyle Idleman
Another week comes to an end.
Watching the sunrise from the top of a parking garage this morning was beautiful. Sharing breakfast surrounded by homeless brothers and sisters at Saint Sophia Orthodox Cathedral was equally beautiful.
I wonder what Heaven will be like.
I have a feeling Heaven will be filled with murderers, thieves, rapists, addicts, prostitutes, child molesters, and all the other types of people who aren't allowed in Churches.
It's ironic how most of these people believe they aren't good enough and don't deserve anything. That You couldn't see them, remember them, love them. Yet, it's this exact humility and meekness that You came to accept.
A lot of these people believe that if by some chance they make it to Heaven they wouldn't know a single person because they don't hang around "religious people" I wonder if the exact opposite will occur. If a religious person makes it in they may not know anyone. In fact they may be appalled and outraged at the assembly You have created.
Caiaphas vs the criminal on the cross next to You. The first was a Levitical High Priest, his name and glory shall forever be remembered in this world. Yet, the ladder an unnamed forgotten sinner in this world shall never be forgotten in Heaven.
Circumcised?
Baptized?
Repentance?
Anything at all?
"Don’t you fear God even when you have been sentenced to die? We deserve to die for our crimes, but this man hasn’t done anything wrong. Jesus, remember me when you come into your Kingdom.”
I assure you, today you will be with me in paradise.
-Jesus
Wow, I am speechless. Three sentences from a man who did something so terrible he deserved to die on a cross and he will forever be in paradise with You. That's it. No baptism or anything.
Make my heart like the man on the cross next to You. Whether death is so obviously eminent or whether I live another 60 years, I am no more loved or wretched than that man.
I deserve to die for my crimes, but You haven't done anything wrong. Jesus, remember me when You come into your Kingdom.
My heart longs to sing forever to the One who poured out His blood and bought my freedom.
Jeff Anderson - Saving One
-Kyle Idleman
Another week comes to an end.
Watching the sunrise from the top of a parking garage this morning was beautiful. Sharing breakfast surrounded by homeless brothers and sisters at Saint Sophia Orthodox Cathedral was equally beautiful.
I wonder what Heaven will be like.
I have a feeling Heaven will be filled with murderers, thieves, rapists, addicts, prostitutes, child molesters, and all the other types of people who aren't allowed in Churches.
It's ironic how most of these people believe they aren't good enough and don't deserve anything. That You couldn't see them, remember them, love them. Yet, it's this exact humility and meekness that You came to accept.
A lot of these people believe that if by some chance they make it to Heaven they wouldn't know a single person because they don't hang around "religious people" I wonder if the exact opposite will occur. If a religious person makes it in they may not know anyone. In fact they may be appalled and outraged at the assembly You have created.
Caiaphas vs the criminal on the cross next to You. The first was a Levitical High Priest, his name and glory shall forever be remembered in this world. Yet, the ladder an unnamed forgotten sinner in this world shall never be forgotten in Heaven.
Circumcised?
Baptized?
Repentance?
Anything at all?
"Don’t you fear God even when you have been sentenced to die? We deserve to die for our crimes, but this man hasn’t done anything wrong. Jesus, remember me when you come into your Kingdom.”
I assure you, today you will be with me in paradise.
-Jesus
Wow, I am speechless. Three sentences from a man who did something so terrible he deserved to die on a cross and he will forever be in paradise with You. That's it. No baptism or anything.
Make my heart like the man on the cross next to You. Whether death is so obviously eminent or whether I live another 60 years, I am no more loved or wretched than that man.
I deserve to die for my crimes, but You haven't done anything wrong. Jesus, remember me when You come into your Kingdom.
My heart longs to sing forever to the One who poured out His blood and bought my freedom.
Jeff Anderson - Saving One
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
02/15/12
When you pray for Hitler and Stalin how do you actually teach yourself to make the prayer real? The two things that help me are (a) A continual grasp of the idea that one is joining one’s feeble voice to the perpetual intercession of Christ who died for these very men. (b) A recollection, as firm as I can make it, of all one’s own cruelty; which might have blossomed under different conditions into something terrible. You and I are not at bottom so different from these ghastly creatures.
-C.S.Lewis
Yesterday was Valentine's day. I wonder how Saint Valentinus would feel about how we celebrate his memory. With an America holiday like Valentine's day how can I not think of her yet again?
Our first Valentine's day still as fresh as last year's in my memory. It benefits me none to reminisce any further. I know You are not constricted by time as I am. To You our first Valentine's day occurred the same moment as I write this letter to You.
You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike.
-Jesus
How do I pray for her who has become what feels to be an enemy? How do I loosen my grip on this pain? How do I act as a true child of my Father in Heaven? As Clive suggests:
a)Whether I pray for her or not You are always with her. You are always interceding for her. Thus I might as well join my voice with my Savior's
b)Am I so different from her? Did I not commit the same selfish sin towards her? Am I able to even begin to reach for a stone?
She isn't Hitler or Stalin, yet at the same time, is anyone any more or less loved by You? Your love for Hitler, for her, for me, can it increase or decrease from it's origin? Nothing I do could ever even begin to earn Your favor. It is ONLY by Your blood that I am able to be in Your presence. Likewise, Nothing I do could ever begin to tear me from your favor. It is ONLY by Your blood that I am able to avoid an eternity without Your presence.
Let yesterday be the first Valentine's day of the rest of my life. Never again will I spend one displaying affection towards her. Never again will she communicate to me on the fourteenth day of February. Heal the hole in my heart.
Help me love my enemies! Pray for those who persecute me. Help me act as a true child of the Father in heaven.
Forgiveness begins with honesty
Forgiveness continues with empathy and humility
-Rich Nathan
I am as sinful as she. Honestly, I've wounded her as much as she has wounded me. To say she is happier with another man takes a great dose of humility. To say she made a mistake when she made those promises to me, to excuse her from her responsibilities that come along with those commitments is to empathize with her.
It is one thing to type them out to You in this letter. It is another to lay myself down everyday and align my heart with Yours. To learn to bite my tongue when an accusation towards her arises in me takes the blood of a Savior poured over my hard heart and softened each new sunrise.
I yearn to know her heart. I desire to share mine with her. I lay me down. I lay down the hours of conversation. I lay down the nights of cuddling. I lay down the broken covenant. I lay down the plans we made.
o, Lord I lay me down.
Derek Webb - Wedding Dress
-C.S.Lewis
Yesterday was Valentine's day. I wonder how Saint Valentinus would feel about how we celebrate his memory. With an America holiday like Valentine's day how can I not think of her yet again?
Our first Valentine's day still as fresh as last year's in my memory. It benefits me none to reminisce any further. I know You are not constricted by time as I am. To You our first Valentine's day occurred the same moment as I write this letter to You.
You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike.
-Jesus
How do I pray for her who has become what feels to be an enemy? How do I loosen my grip on this pain? How do I act as a true child of my Father in Heaven? As Clive suggests:
a)Whether I pray for her or not You are always with her. You are always interceding for her. Thus I might as well join my voice with my Savior's
b)Am I so different from her? Did I not commit the same selfish sin towards her? Am I able to even begin to reach for a stone?
She isn't Hitler or Stalin, yet at the same time, is anyone any more or less loved by You? Your love for Hitler, for her, for me, can it increase or decrease from it's origin? Nothing I do could ever even begin to earn Your favor. It is ONLY by Your blood that I am able to be in Your presence. Likewise, Nothing I do could ever begin to tear me from your favor. It is ONLY by Your blood that I am able to avoid an eternity without Your presence.
Let yesterday be the first Valentine's day of the rest of my life. Never again will I spend one displaying affection towards her. Never again will she communicate to me on the fourteenth day of February. Heal the hole in my heart.
Help me love my enemies! Pray for those who persecute me. Help me act as a true child of the Father in heaven.
Forgiveness begins with honesty
Forgiveness continues with empathy and humility
-Rich Nathan
I am as sinful as she. Honestly, I've wounded her as much as she has wounded me. To say she is happier with another man takes a great dose of humility. To say she made a mistake when she made those promises to me, to excuse her from her responsibilities that come along with those commitments is to empathize with her.
It is one thing to type them out to You in this letter. It is another to lay myself down everyday and align my heart with Yours. To learn to bite my tongue when an accusation towards her arises in me takes the blood of a Savior poured over my hard heart and softened each new sunrise.
I yearn to know her heart. I desire to share mine with her. I lay me down. I lay down the hours of conversation. I lay down the nights of cuddling. I lay down the broken covenant. I lay down the plans we made.
o, Lord I lay me down.
Derek Webb - Wedding Dress
Saturday, February 11, 2012
02/11/12
"Hey Adam, where is that pretty girlfriend of yours? I haven't seen her around. Don't let that one go!"
...and the scab of the wound is torn off. The knife goes in a little deeper. I respond, "We broke up, she's engaged to another guy now." The look on the persons face can't even begin to reflect the expression of my heart. I can tell they are as shocked and confused as I am. Life goes on, one day at a time.
As I was talking to this homeless man, who I hadn't seen since the break up, we started talking about walking the walk. He told me doctors practice medicine, lawyers practice law, Christians practice Christianity. I couldn't agree more. I told him it's one thing to say you're a Christian it's another thing to forgive like Jesus.
Forgiveness is the air for my spiritual lungs.
I inhale Your forgiveness but unless I exhale forgiveness towards her I can not inhale more forgiveness from You. Then I suffocate and die spiritually.
I sit holding my spiritual breath, turning blue in the face. I don't always get all the answers. I don't always get justice. The point You made on Earth isn't forgive x amount of times or forgive in these circumstances. The point is forgive. If I don't forgive I'll kill myself. No one is holding back my breathing but myself. With my cheeks full of air I try to explain to You how bad I am hurting and how deep the knife was pushed.
None of that matters. You were betrayed and denied by Your friends. You were abandoned, circumstances, situations, personal injuries, none of it mattered.
Jesus I know I must exhale forgiveness towards her in order to receive a breath of fresh forgiveness from You. It isn't easy. I can't stand not having her in my life. I can't stand not having those conversations, those cuddling moments, her family, her love, her friendship, her heart, I can not stand not having her.
There is a reason for this. There is a lesson, a teaching, a training, a ministry, a purpose for this.
Until I see what You see I will faithfully trust in You Lord.
Psalm 102
...and the scab of the wound is torn off. The knife goes in a little deeper. I respond, "We broke up, she's engaged to another guy now." The look on the persons face can't even begin to reflect the expression of my heart. I can tell they are as shocked and confused as I am. Life goes on, one day at a time.
As I was talking to this homeless man, who I hadn't seen since the break up, we started talking about walking the walk. He told me doctors practice medicine, lawyers practice law, Christians practice Christianity. I couldn't agree more. I told him it's one thing to say you're a Christian it's another thing to forgive like Jesus.
Forgiveness is the air for my spiritual lungs.
I inhale Your forgiveness but unless I exhale forgiveness towards her I can not inhale more forgiveness from You. Then I suffocate and die spiritually.
I sit holding my spiritual breath, turning blue in the face. I don't always get all the answers. I don't always get justice. The point You made on Earth isn't forgive x amount of times or forgive in these circumstances. The point is forgive. If I don't forgive I'll kill myself. No one is holding back my breathing but myself. With my cheeks full of air I try to explain to You how bad I am hurting and how deep the knife was pushed.
None of that matters. You were betrayed and denied by Your friends. You were abandoned, circumstances, situations, personal injuries, none of it mattered.
Jesus I know I must exhale forgiveness towards her in order to receive a breath of fresh forgiveness from You. It isn't easy. I can't stand not having her in my life. I can't stand not having those conversations, those cuddling moments, her family, her love, her friendship, her heart, I can not stand not having her.
There is a reason for this. There is a lesson, a teaching, a training, a ministry, a purpose for this.
Until I see what You see I will faithfully trust in You Lord.
Psalm 102
Thursday, February 9, 2012
02/09/12
Another month passes, and last night I woke from a dream of her.
Four months.
One third of a year.
One hundred twenty four days.
There were two men in a certain town. One was rich, and one was poor. The rich man owned a great many sheep and cattle. The poor man owned nothing but one little lamb he had bought. He raised that little lamb, and it grew up with his children. It ate from the man’s own plate and drank from his cup. He cuddled it in his arms like a baby daughter. One day a guest arrived at the home of the rich man. But instead of killing an animal from his own flock or herd, he took the poor man’s lamb and killed it and prepared it for his guest.
-Nathan
She was mine. She grew up with me. She ate with me. She drank with me. I cuddled her in my arms.
You must not covet your neighbor’s wife
-Exodus 20:17
What if she was mine and she left me for my neighbor? Is it a sin to miss her? Am I sinning each day I ask You to bring her back into my arms?
How can desiring someone one day be beautiful and honoring to You, then the next day the same feelings towards the same person become coveting and a sin against my neighbor?
Or from his perspective, desiring someone one day is coveting and a sin against me, then the next day the same feelings towards the same person becomes beautiful and honoring to You?
As surely as the LORD lives, any man who would do such a thing deserves to die! He must repay four lambs to the poor man for the one he stole and for having no pity.
-David
Is it that simple? Just move on, replace her? What if the poor man doesn't want four lambs? What if all he wanted was his one little lamb?
Adele - Someone Like You
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded That for me it isn't over.
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Uriah was murdered. I don't get to know how he would have moved on or handled the situation. I miss her and I know I shouldn't. Fill the void with more of Your presence. Your love never fails.
Four months.
One third of a year.
One hundred twenty four days.
There were two men in a certain town. One was rich, and one was poor. The rich man owned a great many sheep and cattle. The poor man owned nothing but one little lamb he had bought. He raised that little lamb, and it grew up with his children. It ate from the man’s own plate and drank from his cup. He cuddled it in his arms like a baby daughter. One day a guest arrived at the home of the rich man. But instead of killing an animal from his own flock or herd, he took the poor man’s lamb and killed it and prepared it for his guest.
-Nathan
She was mine. She grew up with me. She ate with me. She drank with me. I cuddled her in my arms.
You must not covet your neighbor’s wife
-Exodus 20:17
What if she was mine and she left me for my neighbor? Is it a sin to miss her? Am I sinning each day I ask You to bring her back into my arms?
How can desiring someone one day be beautiful and honoring to You, then the next day the same feelings towards the same person become coveting and a sin against my neighbor?
Or from his perspective, desiring someone one day is coveting and a sin against me, then the next day the same feelings towards the same person becomes beautiful and honoring to You?
As surely as the LORD lives, any man who would do such a thing deserves to die! He must repay four lambs to the poor man for the one he stole and for having no pity.
-David
Is it that simple? Just move on, replace her? What if the poor man doesn't want four lambs? What if all he wanted was his one little lamb?
Adele - Someone Like You
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded That for me it isn't over.
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Uriah was murdered. I don't get to know how he would have moved on or handled the situation. I miss her and I know I shouldn't. Fill the void with more of Your presence. Your love never fails.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
02/07/12
"I tell you, of all who have ever lived, none is greater than John."
-Jesus (Luke 7:28)
John the Baptizer was greater than Abraham, Moses, David, and so on... what made him so great?
Don’t be afraid, Zechariah! God has heard your prayer. Your wife, Elizabeth, will give you a son, and you are to name him John. You will have great joy and gladness, and many will rejoice at his birth, for he will be great in the eyes of the Lord. He must never touch wine or other alcoholic drinks. He will be filled with the Holy Spirit, even before his birth. And he will turn many Israelites to the Lord their God. He will be a man with the spirit and power of Elijah. He will prepare the people for the coming of the Lord. He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and he will cause those who are rebellious to accept the wisdom of the godly.
-Gabriel
John was born from a priestly family, never touched wine or alcoholic drinks. He was filled with the Holy Spirit even before he was born. He prepared people for Jesus.
John’s clothes were woven from coarse camel hair, and he wore a leather belt around his waist. For food he ate locusts and wild honey.
-Matthew 3:4
Listen! It’s the voice of someone shouting,
“Clear the way through the wilderness
for the LORD!
Make a straight highway through the wasteland
for our God!
Fill in the valleys,
and level the mountains and hills.
Straighten the curves,
and smooth out the rough places.
Then the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
and all people will see it together.
The LORD has spoken!”
-Isaiah 40:3-5
John was a voice in the wilderness, he made straight the highway for Jesus.
“Look! I am sending my messenger, and he will prepare the way before me. Then the Lord you are seeking will suddenly come to his Temple. The messenger of the covenant, whom you look for so eagerly, is surely coming,” says the LORD of Heaven’s Armies.
-Malachi 3:1
John was a messenger, he prepared the way before the Lord of Heaven's Armies.
God sent a man, John the Baptist, to tell about the light so that everyone might believe because of his testimony. John himself was not the light; he was simply a witness to tell about the light.
-John 1:6-8
"I baptize you with water; but someone is coming soon who is greater than I am—so much greater that I’m not even worthy to be his slave and untie the straps of his sandals. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire. He is ready to separate the chaff from the wheat with his winnowing fork. Then he will clean up the threshing area, gathering the wheat into his barn but burning the chaff with never-ending fire.”
-John
This is the one I was talking about when I said, ‘Someone is coming after me who is far greater than I am, for he existed long before me.’ From his abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses, but God’s unfailing love and faithfulness came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God. But the unique One, who is himself God, is near to the Father’s heart. He has revealed God to us.
-John
Look! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world! He is the one I was talking about when I said, ‘A man is coming after me who is far greater than I am, for he existed long before me.’ I did not recognize him as the Messiah, but I have been baptizing with water so that he might be revealed to Israel. I saw the Holy Spirit descending like a dove from heaven and resting upon him. I didn’t know he was the one, but when God sent me to baptize with water, he told me, ‘The one on whom you see the Spirit descend and rest is the one who will baptize with the Holy Spirit.’ I saw this happen to Jesus, so I testify that he is the Chosen One of God.
-John
No one can receive anything unless God gives it from heaven. You yourselves know how plainly I told you, ‘I am not the Messiah. I am only here to prepare the way for him.’ It is the bridegroom who marries the bride, and the best man is simply glad to stand with him and hear his vows. Therefore, I am filled with joy at his success. He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less. He has come from above and is greater than anyone else. We are of the earth, and we speak of earthly things, but he has come from heaven and is greater than anyone else. He testifies about what he has seen and heard, but how few believe what he tells them! Anyone who accepts his testimony can affirm that God is true. For he is sent by God. He speaks God’s words, for God gives him the Spirit without limit. The Father loves his Son and has put everything into his hands. And anyone who believes in God’s Son has eternal life. Anyone who doesn’t obey the Son will never experience eternal life but remains under God’s angry judgment.
-John
John seemed to only talk about turning to Jesus and turning from sins.
“What kind of man did you go into the wilderness to see? Was he a weak reed, swayed by every breath of wind? Or were you expecting to see a man dressed in expensive clothes? No, people who wear beautiful clothes and live in luxury are found in palaces. Were you looking for a prophet? Yes, and he is more than a prophet."
-Jesus
John was a prophet.
For John didn’t spend his time eating and drinking, and you say, ‘He’s possessed by a demon.’...But wisdom is shown to be right by its results.
-Jesus
Herod had arrested and imprisoned John as a favor to his wife Herodias (the former wife of Herod’s brother Philip). John had been telling Herod, “It is against God’s law for you to marry her.” ...at a birthday party for Herod, Herodias’s daughter performed a dance that greatly pleased him, so he promised with a vow to give her anything she wanted. At her mother’s urging, the girl said, “I want the head of John the Baptist on a tray!” Then the king regretted what he had said; but because of the vow he had made in front of his guests, he issued the necessary orders. So John was beheaded in the prison, and his head was brought on a tray and given to the girl, who took it to her mother.
-Matthew 14
John was imprisoned and murdered for teaching God's law.
Elijah is indeed coming first to get everything ready. But I tell you, Elijah has already come, but he wasn’t recognized, and they chose to abuse him. And in the same way they will also make the Son of Man suffer.
-Jesus
I tell you the truth, corrupt tax collectors and prostitutes will get into the Kingdom of God before you do. For John the Baptist came and showed you the right way to live, but you didn’t believe him, while tax collectors and prostitutes did. And even when you saw this happening, you refused to believe him and repent of your sins.
-Jesus
...someone else is also testifying about me, and I assure you that everything he says about me is true. In fact, you sent investigators to listen to John the Baptist, and his testimony about me was true. Of course, I have no need of human witnesses, but I say these things so you might be saved. John was like a burning and shining lamp, and you were excited for a while about his message. But I have a greater witness than John—my teachings and my miracles. The Father gave me these works to accomplish, and they prove that he sent me.
-Jesus
John was the greatest man to ever live.
He had the Holy Spirit before his birth.
He never drank wine or alcoholic drinks.
He wore coarse camels hair and a leather belt.
He ate locusts and honey.
He baptized with water.
He lived in the wilderness.
He was imprisoned for teaching God's law.
He was murdered for teaching God's law.
He was a messenger.
He was a voice.
He was more than a prophet.
He said, Jesus must increase, and I must decrease
John's life was spent pointing to Jesus.
He was the greatest of all who have ever lived.
-Jesus (Luke 7:28)
John the Baptizer was greater than Abraham, Moses, David, and so on... what made him so great?
Don’t be afraid, Zechariah! God has heard your prayer. Your wife, Elizabeth, will give you a son, and you are to name him John. You will have great joy and gladness, and many will rejoice at his birth, for he will be great in the eyes of the Lord. He must never touch wine or other alcoholic drinks. He will be filled with the Holy Spirit, even before his birth. And he will turn many Israelites to the Lord their God. He will be a man with the spirit and power of Elijah. He will prepare the people for the coming of the Lord. He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and he will cause those who are rebellious to accept the wisdom of the godly.
-Gabriel
John was born from a priestly family, never touched wine or alcoholic drinks. He was filled with the Holy Spirit even before he was born. He prepared people for Jesus.
John’s clothes were woven from coarse camel hair, and he wore a leather belt around his waist. For food he ate locusts and wild honey.
-Matthew 3:4
Listen! It’s the voice of someone shouting,
“Clear the way through the wilderness
for the LORD!
Make a straight highway through the wasteland
for our God!
Fill in the valleys,
and level the mountains and hills.
Straighten the curves,
and smooth out the rough places.
Then the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
and all people will see it together.
The LORD has spoken!”
-Isaiah 40:3-5
John was a voice in the wilderness, he made straight the highway for Jesus.
“Look! I am sending my messenger, and he will prepare the way before me. Then the Lord you are seeking will suddenly come to his Temple. The messenger of the covenant, whom you look for so eagerly, is surely coming,” says the LORD of Heaven’s Armies.
-Malachi 3:1
John was a messenger, he prepared the way before the Lord of Heaven's Armies.
God sent a man, John the Baptist, to tell about the light so that everyone might believe because of his testimony. John himself was not the light; he was simply a witness to tell about the light.
-John 1:6-8
"I baptize you with water; but someone is coming soon who is greater than I am—so much greater that I’m not even worthy to be his slave and untie the straps of his sandals. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire. He is ready to separate the chaff from the wheat with his winnowing fork. Then he will clean up the threshing area, gathering the wheat into his barn but burning the chaff with never-ending fire.”
-John
This is the one I was talking about when I said, ‘Someone is coming after me who is far greater than I am, for he existed long before me.’ From his abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses, but God’s unfailing love and faithfulness came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God. But the unique One, who is himself God, is near to the Father’s heart. He has revealed God to us.
-John
Look! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world! He is the one I was talking about when I said, ‘A man is coming after me who is far greater than I am, for he existed long before me.’ I did not recognize him as the Messiah, but I have been baptizing with water so that he might be revealed to Israel. I saw the Holy Spirit descending like a dove from heaven and resting upon him. I didn’t know he was the one, but when God sent me to baptize with water, he told me, ‘The one on whom you see the Spirit descend and rest is the one who will baptize with the Holy Spirit.’ I saw this happen to Jesus, so I testify that he is the Chosen One of God.
-John
No one can receive anything unless God gives it from heaven. You yourselves know how plainly I told you, ‘I am not the Messiah. I am only here to prepare the way for him.’ It is the bridegroom who marries the bride, and the best man is simply glad to stand with him and hear his vows. Therefore, I am filled with joy at his success. He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less. He has come from above and is greater than anyone else. We are of the earth, and we speak of earthly things, but he has come from heaven and is greater than anyone else. He testifies about what he has seen and heard, but how few believe what he tells them! Anyone who accepts his testimony can affirm that God is true. For he is sent by God. He speaks God’s words, for God gives him the Spirit without limit. The Father loves his Son and has put everything into his hands. And anyone who believes in God’s Son has eternal life. Anyone who doesn’t obey the Son will never experience eternal life but remains under God’s angry judgment.
-John
John seemed to only talk about turning to Jesus and turning from sins.
“What kind of man did you go into the wilderness to see? Was he a weak reed, swayed by every breath of wind? Or were you expecting to see a man dressed in expensive clothes? No, people who wear beautiful clothes and live in luxury are found in palaces. Were you looking for a prophet? Yes, and he is more than a prophet."
-Jesus
John was a prophet.
For John didn’t spend his time eating and drinking, and you say, ‘He’s possessed by a demon.’...But wisdom is shown to be right by its results.
-Jesus
Herod had arrested and imprisoned John as a favor to his wife Herodias (the former wife of Herod’s brother Philip). John had been telling Herod, “It is against God’s law for you to marry her.” ...at a birthday party for Herod, Herodias’s daughter performed a dance that greatly pleased him, so he promised with a vow to give her anything she wanted. At her mother’s urging, the girl said, “I want the head of John the Baptist on a tray!” Then the king regretted what he had said; but because of the vow he had made in front of his guests, he issued the necessary orders. So John was beheaded in the prison, and his head was brought on a tray and given to the girl, who took it to her mother.
-Matthew 14
John was imprisoned and murdered for teaching God's law.
Elijah is indeed coming first to get everything ready. But I tell you, Elijah has already come, but he wasn’t recognized, and they chose to abuse him. And in the same way they will also make the Son of Man suffer.
-Jesus
I tell you the truth, corrupt tax collectors and prostitutes will get into the Kingdom of God before you do. For John the Baptist came and showed you the right way to live, but you didn’t believe him, while tax collectors and prostitutes did. And even when you saw this happening, you refused to believe him and repent of your sins.
-Jesus
...someone else is also testifying about me, and I assure you that everything he says about me is true. In fact, you sent investigators to listen to John the Baptist, and his testimony about me was true. Of course, I have no need of human witnesses, but I say these things so you might be saved. John was like a burning and shining lamp, and you were excited for a while about his message. But I have a greater witness than John—my teachings and my miracles. The Father gave me these works to accomplish, and they prove that he sent me.
-Jesus
John was the greatest man to ever live.
He had the Holy Spirit before his birth.
He never drank wine or alcoholic drinks.
He wore coarse camels hair and a leather belt.
He ate locusts and honey.
He baptized with water.
He lived in the wilderness.
He was imprisoned for teaching God's law.
He was murdered for teaching God's law.
He was a messenger.
He was a voice.
He was more than a prophet.
He said, Jesus must increase, and I must decrease
John's life was spent pointing to Jesus.
He was the greatest of all who have ever lived.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
02/05/12
To forgive for the moment is not difficult. But to go on forgiving, to forgive the same offense again every time it recurs to the memory - there’s the real tussle.
-C.S.Lewis
Eight years ago tonight. Eight Super Bowl Sundays ago. I will never forget when I first saw her.
One year ago she was next to me, under my arm. We made dinner together. We watched the game together. She worked on her grad school homework as I was at her side.
What's wrong with me? Why can't I move on? Everyone else does it. People move on from relationships that lasted longer than ours and even marriages that lasted longer than our relationship. Why can't I release my grip? She isn't perfect. But then again love isn't about being perfect. Love is about loving despite the imperfections.
Jesus, she is gone. She isn't coming back and she doesn't have a single fiber of regret about it. How do I get to that place?
Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is practicing non remembrance.
I failed in that relationship. I failed and there is nothing I can do. She betrayed me and there is nothing I can do.
How do I forgive the same offense again every time it recurs to the memory?
Heal me o Lord. Walk with me through this process. I want to be completely free. I want to be completely whole.
-C.S.Lewis
Eight years ago tonight. Eight Super Bowl Sundays ago. I will never forget when I first saw her.
One year ago she was next to me, under my arm. We made dinner together. We watched the game together. She worked on her grad school homework as I was at her side.
What's wrong with me? Why can't I move on? Everyone else does it. People move on from relationships that lasted longer than ours and even marriages that lasted longer than our relationship. Why can't I release my grip? She isn't perfect. But then again love isn't about being perfect. Love is about loving despite the imperfections.
Jesus, she is gone. She isn't coming back and she doesn't have a single fiber of regret about it. How do I get to that place?
Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is practicing non remembrance.
I failed in that relationship. I failed and there is nothing I can do. She betrayed me and there is nothing I can do.
How do I forgive the same offense again every time it recurs to the memory?
Heal me o Lord. Walk with me through this process. I want to be completely free. I want to be completely whole.
Friday, February 3, 2012
02/03/12
Copeland - To Be Happy Now
You can make many plans, but the LORD’s purpose will prevail.
-Proverbs 19:21
You can make many plans, but the LORD’s purpose will prevail.
-Proverbs 19:21
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
02/01/12
I've been thinking more and more about life. Since the small group just finished our study in the book of Ecclesiastes I find I have more questions than answers.
I heard a speaker talk about how life is like a plate of food. It is a single layer so I can't stack stuff on top of stuff. If I want to add something to my plate then something else must be subtracted.
I've been thinking about how I'm not suppose to worry about tomorrow. And I can not do anything about yesterday. So that leaves me with today.
I've tried to boil life down to its foundations and I think I've found the six elements of life on Earth:
spiritual
social
physical
mental
financial
rest
Everyone's life has these six elements. The questions are what's the order of priority and what's the amount of time put towards these elements?
24 hours in a day.
X hours resting
X hours working
X hours exercising
X hours reading
X hours hanging out
X hours alone with You
We spell love T-I-M-E
Luke 12:34
Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.
If I spent
8 hours resting
8 hours working
2 hours exercising
1 hour reading
4 hours hanging out
1 hour alone with You
That's a pretty good indication of where my heart is pointing. If my heart is a treasure map then money is where it will lead.
What if my life looked more like:
6 hours resting
4 hours working
2 hours exercising
2 hours fine arts
5 hours hanging out
5 hours alone with You
You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself. The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.
-Jesus
Where I spend my time reflects where I spend my love.
Love God
Love my neighbor
Love myself
Are we suppose to work at least 8 hours a day?
Lord I have a 24 hour plate. How do You want me to fill it? Help me fill my plate in a way that will place my treasure in You. There the desires of my heart will also be.
I heard a speaker talk about how life is like a plate of food. It is a single layer so I can't stack stuff on top of stuff. If I want to add something to my plate then something else must be subtracted.
I've been thinking about how I'm not suppose to worry about tomorrow. And I can not do anything about yesterday. So that leaves me with today.
I've tried to boil life down to its foundations and I think I've found the six elements of life on Earth:
spiritual
social
physical
mental
financial
rest
Everyone's life has these six elements. The questions are what's the order of priority and what's the amount of time put towards these elements?
24 hours in a day.
X hours resting
X hours working
X hours exercising
X hours reading
X hours hanging out
X hours alone with You
We spell love T-I-M-E
Luke 12:34
Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.
If I spent
8 hours resting
8 hours working
2 hours exercising
1 hour reading
4 hours hanging out
1 hour alone with You
That's a pretty good indication of where my heart is pointing. If my heart is a treasure map then money is where it will lead.
What if my life looked more like:
6 hours resting
4 hours working
2 hours exercising
2 hours fine arts
5 hours hanging out
5 hours alone with You
You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself. The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.
-Jesus
Where I spend my time reflects where I spend my love.
Love God
Love my neighbor
Love myself
Are we suppose to work at least 8 hours a day?
Lord I have a 24 hour plate. How do You want me to fill it? Help me fill my plate in a way that will place my treasure in You. There the desires of my heart will also be.
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