12/18/13

I found my notes from when I was reading "The God Delusion" earlier this year:

To assume that the cure to violent and irrational behavior is the dismantling of religion is a hypothesis with less ground to stand on than any theory about what happened before the Earth’s existence. I would venture to hypothesize that religion is not the source of this behavior but rather the avenue some choose to express it. No different than those who act from places such as adultery, or murder from families. Religion isn’t the issue but rather pain.

Which religion, once removed, would solve the senseless actions of the bloods and cryps street gangs?

The correlation between religion and irrational behavior does not imply causation.

Do countries such as China and North Korea, those religion bans, show any sort of decrease in irrational behavior in terms of violence and aggression?

my hypnosis isn’t that religion causes irrational behavior but rather pride. It is the desire to justify and confirm that your worldview is the correct worldview. However that may be expressed through to many avenues of passion.

Ones and Zeros - Jack Johnson


I think humans have always thought they are so damn smart.

all throughout history whatever time, those people believed they had the truth and they scoffed at their brothers and sisters before them when they discovered some new truth.

We are no different. We laugh at those who lived before us for thinking the gods clapped their hands and thunder was made. Perhaps those who will come after us will shake their heads as they look back at our hand held devices and the way we play god with the land we plunder.

Those whom we look up to. Those who we see has "heroes" those who are the rich and powerful, maybe those who come after us, our children's children's so on won't view them under the same light after they see the price we paid letting them drink half the glass.

Maybe in the future we will see the wisdom of the past.

Maybe we will see that not everything is binary, not everything is ones and zeros.
Not everything can be explained with science no matter the time dedicated in the lab.
No matter the time spent staring into scopes, microscope nor telescope.

Modern medicine is incredible
but we all die

modern travel is astounding
but we all have a home

modern communication is amazing
but we all need a hug

It's funny to think the price we pay to save time now could in all reality be time lost in the future.

Are we really saving time, becoming more efficient, or are we just stealing time and life from our children's planet?

And so the scientist and the Dawkins of the world love to laugh in God's face as they hold their state of the art, most recent findings staring too closely into the narrow lens of a microscope ignoring the vast world around them. The people starving, the animals and their perfect balance that we disrupt as we "advance" in understanding and luxury. Where exactly all those convenient plastic water bottles are going once we've tossed them in the bin.

I suppose the same can be said for those who stare too closely into an old book ignoring the vast world around them.

If God is a living God then He certainly won't be confined to a book and He certainly isn't just an explanation for the gaps in science as we figure it out in the meantime.

Maybe those who came before us had it right the whole time.

It's as if we pour millions into research just to find that psychologically it is good to grow up with a mom and a dad. It is good to live in community. It is good to talk face to face. It is good to eat food that grows on it's own out of the ground. It isn't stuff that makes us happy. It is good to work hard, or "exercise" for our bodies.

It's as if we slap ourselves on the back for being so damn smart when we come up with a diet after years and years of research and millions of dollars. We call it the "paleo diet" named after our ancestors who were living that way without needing all the research and findings. The very same ancestors we mock and scoff at for their "primitive" way of life as we now strive to live exactly like them.

We pour our money into personal trainers who have gone to school and studied the body and found that it is good to get your heart rate up, it is good to get moving. So we spend money exercising doing things like lifting heavy things, running in a circle, swinging weights. All of these things imitating the very natural make up of living the lives of our "primitive" ancestors.

We invent these fake forms of light and suck the planet dry in order to keep them lit only to find after years of research and money that natural light is good for us. That psychologically the more sun light a place has the happier the people and the less sun a place has the higher the suicide rate. We create imitation plants out of plastic to stick inside buildings with florescent lights  not realizing we are imitating what our "primitive" ancestors use to experience naturally. We are finding it is good to get lots of sleep almost as if when the sun goes down it is telling us to rest. But we fight against it, we burn the coal to light the bulb, to earn the money to pay for the food which naturally grows from the ground, or the gym membership which keeps us in shape since we aren't working the land, or the bottles of water which falls from the sky.

They can keep their science, they can keep their research. We don't need charts and graphs to know how to live. We don't need rating systems, awards, competitions to tell us what we like. Our brothers and sisters who walked before us lived free. How does all of the rest of the world know how to exist without research? How do the birds who fly south know when and how to do that? Did they learn in history class? What research does the bear look at prior to learning how to hibernate? Can the trees with their limbs turn the pages of instructional books about photosynthesis and changing leaf color in the autumn?

Science can't tell me why I love.
Science can't measure a sunrise.
Science can't explain a symphony.
If we are all just cells and carbon trying to survive why do some pursue passion over financial stability? Why do some take a vow of celibacy? Why do animals cry out in pain? We are more than ones and zeros.

Science can explain how we breath but it can't touch why.

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me

12/14/13

Beauty and the Beast - Something There

12/12/13

How can you promise all of those things?
You can't
How can you know you will do what you've said?
You can't
I don't think you are really the personality type that you say you are.
You aren't
I don't think you really like doing these things I think you just say that you like them because I like them.
You don't.
You don't really like my nose ring.
You don't

I met with Bea and Toni last night and every time we would get close to something she would wall up.

I just don't feel it
why?
I just don't.

Toni talked about how no one in Bea's life has ever stuck around long enough to work though forgiveness. And here I am. I am the stove that burnt her hand and she won't touch it again. She likes talking to the stove, she likes being around the stove but to touch it again, she won't.

Trust, as I'm learning, is just as important as freedom for love.

Toni talked about how a person can tell the difference between a trained horse and one that isn't.

It is about a submitting of their will.

As I thought about last night and I listened to Bea talk I started to think about You, God.

Bea doesn't want another session with me.
She wants me to trust her.
Toni wants me to trust God.

and I realized what a horse I am.

Lowering my will, submitting my will to You God is so difficult. You are my stove. I love talking about you, I love learning about you, I love being in your presence. But to trust You? To let go of all control and worry? I won't.

After the session Bea and I talked in the lobby.
You can't
You aren't
You don't

She was keeping a safe distance. She likes to talk with me, she finds me attractive, she likes being with me...but she won't.

Trust.

I broke her heart.
I broke her trust.

It sounds just like me when I pray to You, oh God.

How can you promise all of those things?
You can't
How can you know you will do what you've said?
You can't
I don't think you are really good
You aren't
I don't think you really love me you just say that you love me because you are God and You died for everyone.
You don't.
You don't really love who I am, Adam.
You don't

Trust.

But the truth is You will keep your promises. You will do what you've said. You are good. You do love me. You do love who I am.

And the truth is the same towards her.
I am for her.
I will listen to her.
I will cherish her.
I will fight for her voice.
I will help her chase dreams.

But without trust these words are only a noisy gong, a clanging cymbal. I will not be perfect, but I will always listen to her and she will always be seen.

But without Freedom there can be no trust.
without trust there can be no love.
without love there can be no relationship.

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
give her peace
heal Bea
heal me

I trust you Jesus. Help me lower my head and let my will be your will.
free her heart. Let her choices be from her heart without fear.
give her peace. Whatever choice she makes from her free heart that she rests in it.
heal Bea. Heal her from the burn I have left on her hand from touching me.
heal me. Heal me from the burns that I have experienced in my life as well.

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
give her peace
heal Bea
heal me

The Swell Season - Low Rising

12/11/13

Tonight Bea and I talk with Toni.

I'm scared
I'm nervous
I'm confused
I'm hopeful
I'm terrified
I'm trusting.

I guess when it comes down to it and when I write on here honestly. Past the pain, past the fear, past the vulnerability what's left is a pure love for Bea.

I want her to be free.
I am for her.
She is beautiful.
I want her to choose.
I want her to follow her heart.

There is peace in knowing that if she doesn't want to explore what this could grow into I know that You, oh God, will take care of both her and me.

There is peace in knowing that if she does not want this then how can I? What a selfish thing, to desire someone's love that they do not wish to give.

There is peace in knowing You are good.

No matter what her choice. I know that She will become more beautiful than she is now.
She will become wiser
She will become stronger
She will become a truer and more real Bea. The one you had in mind when You do Your knitting in wombs. I know this experience will grow her and I know You will pull out of it beautiful things. You will make it beautiful.

God I pray that you continue to work in her life. I pray that You display Your love to her throughout her journey in this life no matter which path, no matter the step, no matter valley nor mountain she finds herself on.

I thank You for putter her in my life. Whether it be for this season or for much longer. I thank You Jesus.

God I have hope in reconciliation.
I have hope in redemption.
I have hope in growth.
God I have trust in You.
I have trust in Your plans.
I have trust in Your will.
Give me peace with whatever is decided tonight whether it be reconciliation, separation, or merely more time waiting. I trust You.

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
give her peace
heal Bea
heal me

Glen Hansard - You Will Become


In time this won't even matter
This chapter will be long under grass
And we'll talk about everything til it's easier
Your beauty is nothing compared to what
You will become in time become
And we talked about talk of a gold ring
When you brought me one step closer to the heart of things
And we talked about everything til we laughed about it
Your honesty is nothing compared to what
You will become in time become

12/08/13

...We push over the verge of the creation — we damn — just because we cannot embrace. For to embrace is the necessity of our deepest being. That foiled, we hate. Instead of admonishing ourselves that there is our enchained brother, that there lies our enchanted, disfigured, scarce recognizable sister, captive of the devil, to break, how much sooner, from their bonds, that we love them! — we recoil into the hate which would fix them there; and the dearly lovable reality of them we sacrifice to the outer falsehood of Satan's incantations, thus leaving them to perish.

...If any one say, "Do not make such vague distinctions. There is the person. Can you deny that that person is unlovely? How then can you love him?" I answer, "That person, with the evil thing cast out of him, will be yet more the person, for he will be his real self. The thing that now makes you dislike him is separable from him, is therefore not he, makes himself so much less himself, for it is working death in him. Now he is in danger of ceasing to be a person at all. When he is clothed and in his right mind, he will be a person in deed. You could not then go on hating him. Begin to love him now, and help him into the loveliness which is his. Do not hate him although you can. The personalty, I say, though clouded, besmeared, defiled with the wrong, lies deeper than the wrong, and indeed, so far as the wrong has reached it, is by the wrong injured, yea, so far, it may be, destroyed.

...I have taken for granted that the fault lies with the enemy so considered, for upon the primary rocks would I build my foundation. But the question must be put to each man by himself, "Is my neighbour indeed my enemy, or am I my neighbour's enemy, and so take him to be mine? — awful thought! Or, if he be mine, am not I his? Am I not refusing to acknowledge the child of the kingdom within his bosom, so killing the child of the kingdom within my own?" Let us claim for ourselves no more indulgence than we give to him. Such honesty will end in severity at home and clemency abroad. For we are accountable for the ill in ourselves, and have to kill it; for the good in our neighbour, and have to cherish it. He only, in the name and power of God, can kill the bad in him; we can cherish the good in him by being good to it across all the evil fog that comes between our love and his good.

Nor ought it to be forgotten that this fog is often the result of misapprehension and mistake, giving rise to all kinds of indignations, resentments, and regrets. Scarce anything about us is just as it seems, but at the core there is truth enough to dispel all falsehood and reveal life as unspeakably divine. O brother, sister, across this weary fog, dim-lighted by the faint torches of our truth-seeking, I call to the divine in thee, which is mine, not to rebuke thee, not to rouse thee, not to say "Why hatest thou me?" but to say "I love thee; in God's name I love thee." And I will wait until the true self looks out of thine eyes, and knows the true self in me.

But in the working of the Divine Love upon the race, my enemy is doomed to cease to be my enemy, and to become my friend. One flash of truth towards me would destroy my enmity at once; one hearty confession of wrong, and our enmity passes away; from each comes forth the brother who was inside the enemy all the time. For this The Truth is at work. In the faith of this, let us love the enemy now, accepting God's work in reversion, as it were; let us believe as seeing his yet invisible triumph, clasping and holding fast our brother, in defiance of the changeful wiles of the wicked enchantment which would persuade our eyes and hearts that he is not our brother, but some horrible thing, hateful and hating.
-Love Thine Enemy, George MacDonald

There is a brother that comes to mind whenever talk of neighbors and enemies occurs. I know it to be all the more true as I think the thoughts of praying for his heart to change. If I am to be honest with myself, and since I cannot be anything but honest towards God lest I am deceiving myself,it is only with myself that I must force out such honesty. I do not want to pray for this brother's change of heart for fear of loss. A very, very selfish loss. I fear the loss of the one I love. But alas that fear has come to reality. My love does not return such feelings. There is always hope so long as hope can exist.

Then David confessed to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.” Nathan replied, “Yes, but the Lord has forgiven you, and you won’t die for this sin. Nevertheless, because you have shown utter contempt for the Lord by doing this, your child will die.” After Nathan returned to his home, the Lord sent a deadly illness to the child of David and Uriah’s wife. David begged God to spare the child. He went without food and lay all night on the bare ground. The elders of his household pleaded with him to get up and eat with them, but he refused. Then on the seventh day the child died. David’s advisers were afraid to tell him. “He wouldn’t listen to reason while the child was ill,” they said. “What drastic thing will he do when we tell him the child is dead?” When David saw them whispering, he realized what had happened. “Is the child dead?” he asked. “Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.” Then David got up from the ground, washed himself, put on lotions, and changed his clothes. He went to the Tabernacle and worshiped the Lord. After that, he returned to the palace and was served food and ate. His advisers were amazed. “We don’t understand you,” they told him. “While the child was still living, you wept and refused to eat. But now that the child is dead, you have stopped your mourning and are eating again.” David replied, “I fasted and wept while the child was alive, for I said, ‘Perhaps the Lord will be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But why should I fast when he is dead? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me.”
-2 Samuel 12

There is always hope so long as hope can exist. But my love does not return such feelings. What a selfish wish that a brother may stay in his shackles so that I may be chosen by my love? Again if I am to be honest with myself, since God You already know it to be true, this is the condition of my heart towards this brother. Forgive me Lord for wishing such evil so that I may have happiness. What sort of happiness can actually come from such wicked wishing? It is only a very shallow, selfish happiness that ultimately would consume the reality of my person leaving the veneer of false self and happiness. But again, as is always the case with love, I must pursue freedom above all. Above even my own desires. She, being what I desire, does not desire me. And if my love is to be as pure and as fearless as the perfect love displayed to me by my Savior, then above all I should pursue freedom for her. As my God pursues freedom for me.

And so I pray for my brother, my enemy. And thus in so doing he is transformed into my neighbor, no longer my enemy. I pray that he would come back to you. I pray that he would over come the outer falsehood of Satan's incantations. I have chosen to recoil into the hate which would keep him in his chains. It is by no wrong done to me that I harbor such hate towards my brother. But it is the wrong done towards her, whom I love. And also the feelings which she holds deeply towards the memory of he, my brother, who once was prior to the outter shell he has, through his freedom, chosen to live in. Only through the honest confession of my wicked heart "comes forth the brother who was inside the enemy all the time. For this The Truth is at work. In the faith of this, let us love the enemy now, accepting God's work in reversion, as it were; let us believe as seeing his yet invisible triumph, clasping and holding fast our brother, in defiance of the changeful wiles of the wicked enchantment which would persuade our eyes and hearts that he is not our brother, but some horrible thing, hateful and hating." I will choose to transform this brother from an enemy to a neighbor in the faith that God's work will be done. I trust you Jesus and I know Your goodness to be the greatest truth in this universe You have created.

Forgive me Jesus for my selfishness. For my hatred. I pray that You would pour your love on Your son, my brother, Jordan, that Your son would one day turn back towards home and find You, his father, running towards him with arms open. I also pray freedom for Bea. I pray that she may choose from her heart. I'm sorry for the evil I have held towards Jordan out of fear and out of selfish desires. I do not wish to possess her heart unless it is completely, freely, and wholly given on her own choosing. Free me from this self imposed prison of hatred towards my brother. I want to be a child of Your kingdom.

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal Jordan
heal me

Rosie and Me - Come Back

12/06/13

Hope is a devastatingly wonderful thing.

The more of life I experience the more I see the two sides to every coin.

Freedom paves the way to opportunities of life and yet at the same time death. In freedom one can choose to live a life free from addictions free from things that would hold them back. But conversely freedom also lends to the possibility of great slavery.

Love as beautiful and wonderful as it can be also has another side to it. Love can be received like a warm hug. It can also be rejected, it can be neglected like a letter never opened by the recipient.

Hope as I am discovering is no different.

Life is a journey and along the way we learn. We learn by experiencing. We learn what it feels like at the top of a mountain only after we strive to reach the peak. We learn the pleasure of certain foods only after we've tasted. We learn what music sounds like only after we've listened. Life is meant to be lived and it is good.

But sometimes we get winded before the summit.
Sometimes we wince at the taste of rotten food.
Sometimes we cringe at the sound of noise.
Life is meant to be lived and sometimes it is hard.

Hope is an amazing thing that drives the human race. It is hard to describe, hard to grasp, and impossible to extinguish.

Hope has the power to overthrow unjust systems.
It has the power to taste freedom in the midst of bondage.
It has the power to change someone.
It pushes people beyond anything they thought themselves capable of.

And yet, just as I am finding more and more each year, every coin has two sides.

Hope can make a man blind.
Hope can deceive a man.
Hope can enslave a man.

"Not enough"

Those are the words that echo in my head minute after minute these past 28 hours.

Not enough

I love you, but not enough

I deceived myself with hope. I have been praying and hoping for the past 2 months, the past two years, that Bea and I would end up together.

Hope is a powerful thing.
Hope makes a man more courageous than he ever thought possible.
Love makes a man more brave.
Hope mixed with love is a devastating thing.

Bea had texted me Tuesday after meeting with Toni Monday. My heart raced as my fingers tapped the touch screen keyboard that illuminated my face during nap time. She wanted to get together and talk.
Hope mixed with love is a devastating thing.
Thursday night at 7:30 arrives. Layers of prayers and hoping all leading to this one conversation. I put on my hat and jacket as I lock the door behind me. It's dark out as I walk down the rainy soaked concrete steps in front of the porch connecting to the crooked bumpy sidewalk. I start walking towards High Street. Prayers flow in and out of my mind and mouth as I make my way. The air feels cold in the night sky. Rain keeps dripping from my hair to my face. I reach the coffee shop order a cup of tea, sit by the fire place...and wait.
Hope mixed with love is a devastating thing.
I'm checking my phone and I'm praying. 8:08...where is she? I'm getting nervous. She'll be here...Then... My heart stops as I see her long brown hair bounce around the corner of the fire place. Her big brown eyes locked with mine she is smiling without showing teeth and her arms are filled, notebook, bible, books and a ukulele. She sits on the deep blue couch next to me.
"can I give you a hug?" she asks.
"...yeah"
I wrap around her and pull her tight towards me. My fears and worries melt away. She's here. We are here. She hands me a book as a gift and I ask what she wanted to talk about. I can feel the silence and that look as if she's already said everything she wanted to say in the flash of a moment.
Hope mixed with love is a devastating thing.
"Adam, I really care about you, and you are my best friend. But I don't love you enough."
My stomach turns into a sailors knot and I feel like I'm going to throw up. My body starts to get hot and I can feel the tears pressing against my eyes. We are sitting in the middle of a coffee shop and nothing matters.
"Should we talk in my car?"
"I don't care if these people see."
Bea reaches for my hand and I can't hold the salty warm tears back anymore I feel the first one run down my cheek followed by the second on the other side of my nose. I don't understand. She moves closer to me. Why is she holding my hand? Why is she moving closer to me? Her words are saying one thing but her body is saying another.
"I don't understand"
I keep repeating. I'm trying to listen to her but her words aren't the words I'm looking for.
Hope mixed with love is a devastating thing.
"I love you Bea"
"I know you do Adam and I care about you, just...not enough."
two hours pass and she asks if she could come over. I'm so confused. She doesn't want me but she wants to be with me? We park on the street near my house she turns to me and asks if she can play a song on her ukulele. I smile and say "I'd love that" Her hair covers her face as she focuses on the strings. Her left hand gently forms the first cords as her right strums softly. She looks perfect in this moment. She is so careful as she holds it and out comes this out of tune soft melody. I've never heard anything as pretty. Then she starts to sing and I can't handle it. I burst into tears. I love her voice. It's the same one that sang as we drove past the Scioto river downtown. It's the same voice that I've heard sing beside me at Joshua House and the same voice I've heard as she cooks, or organizes her room. It's wonderful and I can't control my tears. I haven't cried this hard since... I can remember, maybe ever. She sets down the ukulele and throws her arms around me as my snot runs down my beard and I feel her hair against my cheek. I hold her so tight. I can't let go and I can't fucking stop crying. She's wonderful. Her heart, her eyes, her voice, and I'm holding her and it's freezing outside. We walk into my house and lay on the couch by the Christmas tree.
I hold it all when I hold you.
Copeland is playing on my phone as I squeeze her as close to me as I can get. She begs me not to let her go. But something isn't right. Her words said she doesn't want me but here she is in my arms... I don't understand and I'm scared. I sit up and turn off the music. It doesn't feel right. Here is she. I've waited months for this and yet it doesn't feel like she's in the same house as me. Her body is near me but her heart is so far. And It's the only thing I want. It's all I've wanted, for her to freely, willingly, lovingly, give me her heart. But her heart tells her that her love towards me is "not enough"
Hope mixed with love is a devastating thing.
We talk and laugh and cry  and kiss and hold each other until 5:30 on Friday morning. Its easy to spend 9 hours with her. It always has. It passes like the blink of an eye. She keeps telling me she's missed me. She misses this Adam. I'm myself again and now she is confused. She drives away in the freezing rain and I tell her to text me when she's home. She does and we text throughout the day.



Suddenly We are in my bedroom. She is sitting on my bed and I am in the cold, grey, hard folding chair.
"I am so sorry Adam. I really messed with you last night. I'm sorry. I was not very loving. I care about you a lot Adam...just not enough."
I'm scared to hug her, I'm scared to look at her. I don't understand. Why did last night happen? Why did she even want to do that? Why? I'm confused! I don't know! She's about to walk out of my room and I want so badly to hold her again but I'm so fucking scared. I stand up and as my body heaves with tears I pull her towards me. Her fleece jacket fuzzy and warm against my hands. I move them up and down her back. I hold her tight. Her arms are wrapped under my arms and around my shoulders. I know exactly how Peeta feels towards Katniss. I can't let her go but yet she doesn't want this and so it feels so selfish to keep her here. I sit on my bed as she closes the door. Next I know, I am on the cold hardwood floor sobbing.
She's gone.
It's over.
I'm confused.
Hope is a devastatingly wonderful thing.
Hope can make a man blind.
Hope makes a man more courageous than he ever thought possible.
I don't want to be alone. I walk down stairs and find Ellen knitting by the Christmas tree. I sit on the couch and weep. Silently. No words. This is the risk of love, this is the risk of hope.
This is life.

God I am for Bea. I pray that she experiences a joy that cannot be described in life. I pray that she experiences a freedom that knows no limits. And I pray that she is loved exactly as much as she deserves and nothing less. Thank you for the time you gave me with her. Bea is a wonderful person. I love her very deeply.

Brown Eyed Girl - Ken Middleton

12/04/13

Freedom leads to Love
Love leads to peace
and that peace is what everyone is striving towards.
Peace,
Enlightenment,
There are many different vocabularies with which we use to describe it.
Some use English
Some use Buddhism
Some use a paint brush
Some use the strings of a violin
Some use clay
Some use hugs

We get tangled up in the semantics of it, the vocabulary of it
Jesus
Yeshua
Joshua
Josh
God
Allah
Mother Nature

Whatever vocabulary we use we are all talking about the same thing.
Shalom
Enlightenment
Balance
Peace
It all flows from a oneness with our Creator a reunion with the very thing that gave us this desire.

God is a big God. Bigger than anything we can fathom. God will not be boxed in by a book or an idea, a hope or a perception. God is higher than any hope and bigger than any book.

When a Buddhist says to reach enlightenment one must let go of material things is the Buddhist not preaching the same truth found in Jesus' teachings? Truth is truth no matter it's origin. God is the Truth and when someone stumbles upon a Truth someone stumbles upon their Creator.

Tapping into the Kingdom of God can happen countless ways. God will not be held back. Love will not be held back.

But without freedom none of it could be possible.

If God is love then in order for God to be experienced, to be touched, to be felt, freedom is vital.

Freedom is the avenue in which God has allowed us to seek His face.

With that freedom comes a certain unlimited amount of individuality. Within that unlimited individuality within all who were knit together there is the opportunity to love. Limitless ways to express this love that cannot be boxed in, cannot be outdone.

Because love is limitless and because God is love, we have the freedom to experience and bump into God countless ways.

Preparing a meal
carving
running along a trail
strumming an instrument
singing a song
moving our bodies
seeing the sun rise
fetching water
laughing
painting
sewing
molding
creating
crafting
shaping
planting
harvesting
touching
tasting
listening
working
resting

Love is not limited to the 'Christian' Love is not restrained by the literate. Love is not bound by a vocabulary.

Love, God, only requires freedom. A freedom God goes to great lengths to maintain. A choice. We always have a choice.

In that freedom love can be both experienced and expressed in unique ways, which is to say, the only way love can be truly expressed and experienced, uniquely, individually, from the heart.

Freedom leads to love
love leads to shalom
shalom is being in God's presence. Being one with the Creator. Connecting how we were meant to connect. Living life. It may last a moment. It may last a season. But in that time, that ever changing time, we tap into shalom and it is beautiful. God wants more and more freedom for us so that we may experience more and more time with him in this life. More freedom means more shalom.

I use to only see God an hour on Sundays.
Now I see God in everything.

Blind as I'd become, I used to wonder where you are
These days I can't find where you're not
-mewithoutyou

I trust you Jesus
free her heart
heal Bea
heal me.

Isbells - Elation

12/03/13

When the inward sun is shining, and the wind of thought, blowing where it lists amid the flowers and leaves of fancy and imagination, rouses glad forms and feelings, it is easy to look upwards, and say My God. It is easy when the frosts of external failure have braced the mental nerves to healthy endurance and fresh effort after labour, it is easy then to turn to God and trust in him, in whom all honest exertion gives an ability as well as a right to trust. It is easy in pain, so long as it does not pass certain undefinable bounds, to hope in God for deliverance, or pray for strength to endure. But what is to be done when all feeling is gone? when a man does not know whether he believes or not, whether he loves or not? when art, poetry, religion are nothing to him, so swallowed up is he in pain, or mental depression, or disappointment, or temptation, or he knows not what? It seems to him then that God does not care for him, and certainly he does not care for God. If he is still humble, he thinks that he is so bad that God cannot care for him. And he then believes for the time that God loves us only because and when and while we love him; instead of believing that God loves us always because he is our God, and that we live only by his love. Or he does not believe in a God at all, which is better.

So long as we have nothing to say to God, nothing to do with him, save in the sunshine of the mind when we feel him near us, we are poor creatures, willed upon, not willing; reeds, flowering reeds, it may be, and pleasant to behold, but only reeds blown about of the wind; not bad, but poor creatures.

And how in such a condition do we generally act? Do we not sit mourning over the loss of our feelings? or worse, make frantic efforts to rouse them? or, ten times worse, relapse into a state of temporary atheism, and yield to the pressing temptation? or, being heartless, consent to remain careless, conscious of evil thoughts and low feelings alone, but too lazy, too content to rouse ourselves against them? We know we must get rid of them some day, but meantime — never mind; we do not feel them bad, we do not feel anything else good; we are asleep and we know it, and we can not be troubled to wake. No impulse comes to arouse us, and so we remain as we are.

God does not, by the instant gift of his Spirit, make us always feel right, desire good, love purity, aspire after him and his will. Therefore either he will not, or he cannot. If he will not, it must be because it would not be well to do so. If he cannot, then he would not if he could; else a better condition than God's is conceivable to the mind of God — a condition in which he could save the creatures whom he has made, better than he can save them. The truth is this: He wants to make us in his own image, choosing the good, refusing the evil. How should he effect this if he were always moving us from within, as he does at divine intervals, towards the beauty of holiness? God gives us room to be; does not oppress us with his will; "stands away from us," that we may act from ourselves, that we may exercise the pure will for good. Do not, therefore, imagine me to mean that we can do anything of our selves without God. If we choose the right at last, it is all God's doing, and only the more his that it is ours, only in a far more marvellous way his than if he had kept us filled with all holy impulses precluding the need of choice. For up to this very point, for this very point, he has been educating us, leading us, pushing us, driving us, enticing us, that we may choose him and his will, and so be tenfold more his children, of his own best making, in the freedom of the will found our own first in its loving sacrifice to him, for which in his grand fatherhood he has been thus working from the foundations of the earth, than we could be in the most ecstatic worship flowing from the divinest impulse, without this willing sacrifice. For God made our individuality as well as, and a greater marvel than, our dependence; made our apartness from himself, that freedom should bind us divinely dearer to himself, with a new and inscrutable marvel of love; for the Godhead is still at the root, is the making root of our individuality, and the freer the man, the stronger the bond that binds him to him who made his freedom. He made our wills, and is striving to make them free; for only in the perfection of our individuality and the freedom of our wills can we be altogether his children. This is full of mystery, but can we not see enough in it to make us very glad and very peaceful?

Not in any other act than one which, in spite of impulse or of weakness, declares for the Truth, for God, does the will spring into absolute freedom, into true life.

See, then, what lies within our reach every time that we are thus lapt in the folds of night. The highest condition of the human will is in sight, is attainable. I say not the highest condition of the Human Being; that surely lies in the Beatific Vision, in the sight of God. But the highest condition of the Human Will, as distinct, not as separated from God, is when, not seeing God, not seeming to itself to grasp him at all, it yet holds him fast. It cannot continue in this condition, for, not finding, not seeing God, the man would die; but the will thus asserting itself, the man has passed from death into life, and the vision is nigh at hand. Then first, thus free, in thus asserting its freedom, is the individual will one with the Will of God; the child is finally restored to the father; the childhood and the fatherhood meet in one; the brotherhood of the race arises from the dust; and the prayer of our Lord is answered, "I in them and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one." Let us then arise in God-born strength every time that we feel the darkness closing, or become aware that it has closed around us, and say, "I am of the Light and not of the Darkness."
-The Eloi, George MacDonald

The Paper Kites - St Clarity

12/02/13

Dear 27 year old Adam,

I've just turned 26. The last year of my mid twenties. My 25th year comes to a close and the 26th begins. Greeting from the past! I have an iPhone 5, Breaking Bad just had it's season finale this year. The temporary Fruit of the Vine pantry was used this year. I'm trying to think of things that happened this year that when you read this in the future you will laugh and it will take you back. I'm really into Bon Iver and Avett Brothers right now. I'm using Twitter. That's all I can think of now.

Things I'm doing now:
I was working for Scott doing landscaping up until April when I started at the Vineyard Early Childhood Center. I'm loving working with these kids. I'm in the Rainbow Room which is for the 3-4 year olds. I'm living in Cintonville now with Ellen, Brian, and Travis. At the moment I am again single. I'm not sure the last time I wasn't on my birthday. I still go to the Pantry. In fact the renovations were just finished a couple weeks ago. It looks amazing. I'm about to purchase a guitar and start doing lessons with Travis. I've been growing out my hair for the past 7 months. I finally started seeing Toni, Nathanael's counselor. I started seeing her in the spring then took a break and now I have been going consistently for the past 2 months. I've been helping out at the Franklinton Gardens weekly until it started to get cold and dark early. I'm still going to Better Way on Friday nights.

Things I hope you're doing:
I hope you know how to play guitar now. I hope you aren't single on this birthday although I'd understand if you took this year off from women and continued to work with Toni. I hope Bea and you are talking again. Honestly I hope Bea and you are dating again. But at this point I'd settle for getting the opportunity just to listen to her thoughts and feelings. I hope you haven't wrecked this car. I hope you are still working at the VECC with the kids. I hope you are still going to the pantry at least once a week. I hope you are still writing in this blog. I hope you aren't an angry stubborn dude struggling with self hate. I hope you've learned how to let go of control and how to receive love. I hope you have been growing the beard all year. I hope you haven't cut your hair. I hope you are still going to the gym. I hope you listen far more than you speak.

Things I've learned since turning 25:
I learned that I love New York City. I visited Alan while he was attending school in NYC and instantly fell in love with the place. I'm not sure if I will ever move there but I will definitely make another trip. I learned a bit about life and death. In the spring I totaled my car and even though I walked away from it I gained a bit of perspective. It was crazy realizing that in one uncontrollable moment I could never walk again, maybe never breath again. Life is precious and it goes by fast. Why waste my time taking it so seriously and playing it safe? Why spend life in fear. My grandpa died this past September. It was strange experiencing the first death in my family. The funeral, the cemetery. Seeing my grandmother without her husband for the first time in 64 years, it's a strange thing to understand. I've been seeing Toni and I've been learning so much. I've learned that I am angry man. I've learned I have a lot of self hatred. I've learned that I don't do well in intimate relationships with women. I push them away in fear that they will see who I really am and leave me. I struggle with trust. Trusting other people and trusting God. I live a sort of "if you want it done right you got to do it yourself" lifestyle. I learned that I love Bea. I learned that love must be free. I learned that you can't control everything. I've learned that sometimes when things go bad it isn't 100% my fault. I've learned that I have a gift and a giant heart for children. I've learned a bit more about love. What it looks like, what if feels like. What I want in a wife and what I need. I've learned that grace is a thing that doesn't make sense but yet it doesn't have to.

1987 Born
1988 00
1989 01
1990 02
1991 03
1992 04
1993 05
1994 06 Started Grade School
1995 07
1996 08
1997 09
1998 10
1999 11
2000 12
2001 13
2002 14
2003 15
2004 16
2005 17
2006 18 Graduated High School
2007 19
2008 20
2009 21
2010 22 Graduated College
2011 23
2012 24
2013 25

11/27/13

I'm not sure what to say or what exactly I think. I haven't written on here for a bit because I'm really confused.

Monday night Bea showed up to the pantry.
It's what I'd been praying for. It's what I'd hoped.
We talked.
My heart was going insane.
I told her what I've been keeping in for nearly two months.
We held each other.
She agreed to meet with Toni with me.

But this sort of thing doesn't happen...
This isn't how life goes.
She wasn't suppose to listen to me.
She wasn't suppose to even be at the pantry.
But she did listen, she was there...

I don't understand.

I know this doesn't mean anything.
I know this isn't a guarantee. I know there can be no guarantees in this life.
I know she may back out of meeting with Toni.
I know she may not share my feelings.

But in the midst of all of this I can feel only peace.
And that is confusing as well.
Why aren't I anxious?
Why aren't I afraid?

I have been praying and praying that You, God, would give me the chance to pour my heart to Bea and You answered that prayer.
Not just answered but You answered like I was hoping...
Probably more than I was hoping.
I don't understand.

What's happening right now?
Why is whatever is happening right now happening?

I don't know
I'm confused

It's as if I'm unsure of how to live peacefully.
It's as if my thoughts are controlling my feelings.

Like when an apathetic husband brings flowers home and the wife responds with a suspicious "What are these for?" rather than accepting the gift for what it is past experiences have shaped this moment into not one to simply be in and enjoy but rather to be weary of because it must be some sort of trick or scheme.

I've prayed for more trust in You and You met me there.
But this wasn't some test:
“If you are the Son of God, jump off! For the Scriptures say, ‘He will order his angels to protect you. And they will hold you up with their hands so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.’"
-Matthew 4
It wasn't a prayer of "if you love me then..." "If you are real then..." It was more of a prayer as George MacDonald has put it:
"He is not afraid of your presumptuous approach to him. It is you who are afraid to come near him. He is not watching over his dignity. It is you who fear to be sent away as the disciples would have sent away the little children. It is you who think so much about your souls and are so afraid of losing your life, that you dare not draw near to the Life of life, lest it should consume you. Our God, we will trust thee. Shall we not find thee equal to our faith? One day, we shall laugh ourselves to scorn that we looked for so little from thee; for thy giving will not be limited by our hoping. ...Shall God's thoughts be surpassed by man's thoughts? God's giving by man's asking? God's creation by man's imagination? No. Let us climb to the height of our Alpine desires; let us leave them behind us and ascend the spear-pointed Himmalays of our aspirations; still shall we find the depth of God's sapphire above us; still shall we find the heavens higher than the earth, and his thoughts and his ways higher than our thoughts and our ways."

It was in this understanding or rather, I should say this faith in Your goodness from which a prayed.
Not in a challenge or a calling out, a testing or a doubting scoff.
But rather it was a climbing to the height of my desires, my aspirations.
It was from a faith, a hope that You are exactly who You are. Nothing less, and so much more.

for thy giving will not be limited by our hoping.

I don't know what's next.
I have no control over Bea.
But I do have control over myself.
And my trust and faith in You, Oh my God, has increased.

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
-Mark 9

I trust you Jesus
soften her heart
heal Bea
heal me.

The Steel Wheels - Alaska

11/23/13

To "Let Go" Takes Love

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means that I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it is the realization that I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to effect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and to live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less and to love more.

-Evelyn Christiansen

Bon Iver - Skinny Love

11/21/13

Oh Lord, I recognize Your greatness and power and that, though it is not within my control to fix or help Bea, it is within Your hand. I let go of Bea and place her in Your hand. I release her to You: Not my will but Yours be done. I refuse to fret and worry about Bea or this situation. I trust You to take care of Bea better even than I could imagine. Thank You for Your grace. Amen.

Ron Pope - Fireflies

11/20/13

cold is the night without you here
just your absence ringing in my ears
hard is the heart that feels no fear
without the bad, the good disappears

long is the road that leads me home
and longer still when I walk alone
bitter is the thought of all that time
spent searching for something I'll never find

take this burden away from me
and bury it before it buries me

many are the days I've wanted to cease
lay myself down and find some relief
heavy is the head that gets no sleep
we carry our lives around in our memories

take away this apathy
and bury it before it buries me

steady is the hand that's come to terms
with the lessons it has had to learn
I've seen the things that I must do
but Lord, this road is meant for two
so I am waiting here for you

take my hand and set me free
take my burdens and bury them deep
take my burden away from me
and bury it before
bury it before
bury it before it buries me

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
-Galatians 5:1

Freedom.
God is all, always, about freedom.

The animal realm is bound by it's instincts.
The angelic realm is bound by it's duty.
But man.
Man made in the image of God.
Man is bound by nothing.
Man is free.
Free to choose.
Free to love.

I wonder if only God and man can experience love.
Are we the only beings who have the image of freedom that enables love to grow?

Love does not demand its own way.
-1 Corinthians 13

I hate all your show and pretense the hypocrisy of your religious festivals and solemn assemblies. I will not accept your burnt offerings and grain offerings. I won’t even notice all your choice peace offerings. Away with your noisy hymns of praise! I will not listen to the music of your harps. Instead, I want to see a mighty flood of justice, an endless river of righteous living.
-Amos 5

Love cannot be faked.
Love cannot be bought.
Love cannot be willed.
Love cannot be earned.

Love is true freedom.

I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices. I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings. But like Adam, you broke my covenant and betrayed my trust.
-Hosea 6

Love is a choosing. Over and against other things.

It will not be forced, it will not be faked, it will not be possessed. It cannot be, for love is freedom. Once love is captured, possessed, owned, it ceases to be love. It cannot be love. Love must always be a choosing but not merely of will for even performing certain rituals out of duty and will mean nothing to God. It is a choosing and yet so much more.

Freedom gives Love the ability to be both a Heaven or a Hell.

Agony Agony Agony is love. The cruelest and harshest of things Love is. Painful and unrelenting Love hurts more than anything we can fathom.

But oh what a joy love is. It is the greatest and most whimsical of things. Peaceful and beautiful Love heals more than anything we can fathom.

Freedom has the power to bring us face to face with our Love.
Freedom has the power to take us far so far from our God.

If given the opportunity who would bind the one they love (and yet the feeling is not mutual) to them? What good would such a bond be? What a selfish wish.

What if God being all powerful washed the brains of all the rebels until every knee bowed and tongue confessed? It would go against everything God is. And so in being all powerful God in so many ways is rendered powerless. For love by definition must be free.

How then can 1 Corinthians 8 read:
Love never fails?

I suppose it would come down to the very freedom that gives love its power, makes it possible to exist.
If I love someone and they want nothing to do with me then by me giving them the space they demand love is not failing but rather succeeding, existing, being expressed.

What we lose in homecoming is not the objects of our attachment, nor even our care for them. In fact, our care grows towards true love, love that sees and appreciates all things in the world for what they are. What we lose is the attachment itself, the strength of our addictive behavior in relationship to these objects, the way we make gods of them. My love will be stronger if I let it go.
-Gerald May

My love will not have conditions it will not be enslaved to the idea that I will only love if it is mutual. Or I will only love if I can be present with the person. Love is a choosing. Do I love only because in doing so I am brought pleasure, security, and company? Or do I love because I am for the person? Do I love with a love that is so freeing that it says: I want you to be free, I want you to be you, I want you to pursue what you will?

This is true love. Removing the addictive behavior, removing the attachment and experiencing freedom, unbiased, no agenda, freedom. To finally truly be able to listen to the person without the filter of my own desires, expectations, and ideas of the relationship.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
-1 Corinthians 13

Love does not demand its own way. Love cannot demand it's own way. Love is not self seeking. Love does not have selfish ambitions. Love instead makes way for the person it is expressed towards. Love creates freedom for others.

To love someone is to say I am for you.

no strings.

Love is not jealous for if the other person decides to choose another jealousy would only be an expression of slavery from the heart of the loving towards the heart of the lovely. No instead true love allows the freedom of choice every moment of every day.

This is the beautifully agonizing heart of love. Each second the person spends with me is truly wonderful. To know that I am freely selected over and against other options, other people, other places, other objects. But in order to experience this wonder the door must be able to swing both ways and in so doing every second the person spends avoiding me is agony to know that there is another that has been chosen over me.

But there is a peace in knowing that although I am not the choice of the lovely, She is freely choosing where she wants to be and in knowing that I find the avenue through which my love must now travel. It is a different path to the same destination.

It is a different language speaking the same message.

cold is the night without you here
just your absence ringing in my ears
hard is the heart that feels no fear
without the bad, the good disappears

I trust you Jesus
soften her heart
heal Bea
heal me.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
-Galatians 5:1

Cold Is The Night - The Oh Hello's

11/19/13

December 17, 2012 was the last time I was in the Pantry at 181 East 5th Ave because of the renovations.

November 18, 2013 I finally stepped back into the place. It looked incredible.

11 months.

A lot has happened in those 11 months in my life.

God has made everything beautiful for its own time.
-Ecclesiastes 3

The sun was beginning to set as I pulled into the alley. I parked around back. As I pulled into the spot I thought about the night Bea and I sat and talked in my car. The night I accidentally stepped in homeless person shit and my car reeked. I smiled as I thought about how mad and grossed out I was. It killed the evening for me. I walked along the side of the building where Bea would park on Saturday mornings. As I rounded the corner I was met with familiar faces.

I've missed this place.

I walk up to the new two sets of double glass doors. I can see Kelly setting up the sound system. John is outside with me.
"Have you lost weight?" John says as we shake hands. Reluctantly I reply
"eh maybe a little."
"Your face looks thinner." John doesn't know this but he's the third person to tell me this now. I can't look that skinny! Sure I've lost weight but I'm going through a rough season plus I had bronchitis.

 Ed comes to the door and opens it for us. He's wearing his black cowboy hat with his phone to his ear he paces back and forth.

I step into the building and am completely blown away. The walls are filled with color, purple, red, orange. The ceiling is so much higher. I walk back to the kitchen and give Linda a giant hug. Sweet T is in the kitchen getting things ready. She gasps as I hug her really tight.

It's been 3 weeks since I've seen the whole team and its been 11 months since we've been in this place.

...and something is missing.
someone.

Terry walks me to the other hall way and we check out the bathrooms. He and I can't get over how beautiful this place is. It looks incredible.

So bright, so colorful, so high.

The doors open after the meeting and prayer.

I'm hugging everyone. Cindi walks in with Josh, she's fresh out of rehab. That couple I had mentioned earlier were there. This time the woman had a wedding ring on. I congratulated the man and hugged him. Mark comes limping still in a boot. Fred and Rebel. James comes in and I slap him on the back. Dave Heinmiller walks in with Martin and Jack. Evan and his men's group follow with the food. Everyone is here.
...and something is missing.
someone.

I sit with my back against the purple wall with a cup of coffee in my left hand. I yell "James I got a seat right here for you!" He comes and sits across from me. We talk until worship starts. I have the best seat in the house. I can see the whole building. Dave and the band start to worship and I lean my head against the wall and take it in.

On my left, Linda swaying in front of the coffee machine, hands together eyes closed Chloe beside her. Ed to my right by the lap top controlling the projector's song lyrics. And then I just look straight ahead.

The kingdom of God.
The homeless population of East 5th Ave Columbus Ohio.
They are beautiful.
Some of them talking, some worshiping, some eating, some sleeping, some getting comfy, some uneasy, some new, some regulars, all of them lovely, all of them beautiful.

In this moment, in this building, as I take in deep breath after deep breath I realize how much I need this pantry. How much I need this people.

I am not unemployed, I am not without a home, I am not hungry, I am not poor, I am not broke, I am not an alcoholic, I am not addicted to chemicals, and yet I need this place.

As I sit there in worship, my head back, my eyes closed, I realize I need this place more than the people I serve. This place is the best part of my week. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I feel so at peace, so welcomed, so loved.
...and something is missing.
someone.

It's funny to think about how very different I am from the homeless community and yet in so many ways how exactly the same I am.

This is a people who can survive.
This is a people who could manage without Fruit of the Vine.
This is a people who could do without a relationship with me.

But as I think about these past two weeks with the pantry shut down I think about how badly I missed this place. How badly I missed these people.

I think about the people waiting in line to eat food as the volunteers. They are the ones who give of their time and their life. They give everything. They wear it all on their sleeves. They come in drunk, They come in angry, they come in bitter, they come in depressed, they come in beaten, they come in pregnant, they come in tired, they come in scared, they come as they are. They come in real.

I think about the people scooping the food from behind the table as those being served. We are the ones who learn, we are the ones who see God in them, we are the ones who see the kingdom, we are the ones who see the beauty, we are the ones who are humbled, we are the ones who wear masks, we are the ones who pretend, we are the ones who come clean on the outside.

And here I sit, eyes closed, head back, in this moment. I am alive. I am present. We are with God and God is with us. I feel the warmth of the Styrofoam cup in my hand. I hear the worship of the meek. I sit in this beautiful new building that seems to be shouting praise to God. This building in all of it's bright lights, new colors and polished floor seems to be God's way of telling this people group, this community, I see you, you  matter, you are worth this and so much more. The building speaks that it doesn't matter if you get cleaned up, it doesn't matter if you are drunk, God wants you here. Nothing you do could make God want us more or less in this place.

God is so good.

...and something is missing.
someone.

My eyes keep moving towards the brand new squeaky clean double doors. Where is she? How could she miss this? oh How I miss her. I start to imagine what it would be like if she walked in. Her smile so big and so bright that she would look as if she's about to pop. She would run around and hug the team so tight. She'd probably jump and click her heels like she does. She would spread her arms wide with that giant bible falling apart in one hand and those raggedy tattered keys in the other. She'd come over to me and ask that I put her phone and keys in my pocket. She would stare in my eyes and shout "Adam look at this place! How beautiful!" Afterwards we'd stay up in her car parked in the lot under the flickering street light. She'd open her trunk and pull out mounds of blankets and wrap herself up as we talk and talk I would make her laugh so hard her eyes would close and her head would tilt slightly up as she gasped for breath and she would say the most profoundly beautiful things about God, love, and the homeless that it would make me sign and think. I would turn to her and say "You are very wise Bea." As we continue to talk. "Can you just come here! Adam please!" she would interject periodically and I would draw closer to the pile of colorful fabrics that her face is poking out of.

"GO ED"
James bellows and I am pulled back into reality.
...reality.
The reality is that she isn't here tonight.
The reality is she isn't talking to me.
She isn't texting me.
She isn't e-mailing me.
The reality is she refuses to have any sort of relationship with me.
The reality is I miss her.
The reality is I love her.
The reality is I need this pantry and I need this people. I need this community. I need these people who know my name, who greet me with a smile, who show me an honesty I've never seen, who listen and tell it like it is.

God I love the pantry.
God I love this life. I love being at the pantry. I love Better Way on Friday nights. I miss the Wednesday night bible studies even though I have my opinions about Beth Moore. I love the team meetings where Ed speaks to harshly and Kelly controls too much. I am so blessed. And I am overwhelmed by your goodness.

Here I am. I am in your pantry and I am experiencing a worship unlike any other.

I trust you Jesus
soften her heart
heal Bea
heal me.

Bon Iver - Holocene

11/18/13

In general, we respond to our state of shame by trying to hide our fallibility, our weakness, our problems and failures. We focus on other people and their behavior, seeking to transfer the shame to them. Fearing that closeness and intimacy will leave us defenseless and vulnerable to exposure, we keep others at arm's length. By working too much, staying busy, using rage, control, or power plays and other defenses, we keep other people away. We develop perfectionistic habits of thinking and acting, seeking to prove that we are not shameful after all.
-Dr. Margaret Rinck

Failure is weakness
Weakness is shameful

Men are never to be weak.

For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.
-Ephesians 5

This scripture has had all sorts of controversy over it because of the patriarchal inferences. But I see another controversy.

To be masculine to be a man, to be a patriarch is to be strong.

physically
emotionally
mentally
spiritually

pressure.

Culture places this pressure. Be the bread winner. A man provides. A man leads.

What is a man to do when faced with failure?

If the identity of being man is in strength, power, success, what is to become of those who fail?

shame.

Shame consumes the heart of the man who fails.

What is the man to do with all of this shame?

To express it is to own the failure and thus create more shame.
To hide it is to allow it to vent out in other areas.
Man can't let the world see his failure, can't let the world see his shame.

Man then fears closeness and intimacy. Man must hide behind a fig leaf of strength. If he shows his hand, if he shows his true self it will leave him defenseless and vulnerable to exposure. The world will know he is a fraud. The world will know he fails. The world will know he is weak. Man must keep others at arm's length.

Man can keep this distance, this paper wall by working too much, staying busy, using rage, control, or power plays and other defenses. This will ensure that no one sees the man for what he truly is, human.

Man develops perfectionistic habits of thinking and acting, seeking to prove that he is not what he really is after all.

shameful.

What would she think if she saw the real me?

The real man?

The real Adam?

She would see weakness and failure. No woman wants that man. A woman needs a leader. A woman needs a head of the house to submit to in everything.

Pressure.

distance between perception and reality.
between strength and weakness.

But what is the truer strength?

hiding behind walls of rage and habits of perfection?
or standing in truth, in failure, in weakness, in reality?

What is power?
Pride or humility?

What does the head of the church, Jesus Christ, look like?
pride or humble?
master or servant?

What is the head of the household supposed to look like?

Is man to be pride, rage, deeds, defensive?
Or is man to be humble, merciful, graceful, vulnerable?

Which is the true expression of power?

To stand naked
Or behind fig leaves?

Shame is a prison. Shame is slavery.

I am a man. I fail. I get angry. I get greedy. I get jealous. I get lustful. I get hurt. I get scared. I get lazy. I get stubborn. I get selfish. I get doubtful. I cry. I get frustrated. I am weak. But I am real.
I am human.
I am man.
I am Adam.

I choose freedom, not slavery, not shame.
I choose love.
I choose Jesus.

I trust you Jesus
soften her heart
heal Bea
heal me.

Rather Lovely Thing - Nick Cave & Warren Ellis

11/17/13

I push the door open as far as it will allow. The rug on the floor prevents the door from opening all the way. I slide myself past and make my way to the Keurig. Sliding the metal tray below today, this morning, I select earl grey. As I grab one of the familiar tiny clear glass mugs in to position and push the button I sit in the chair closest to the machine.
"Please trust God never stop dreaming of love"
reads the wood blocks with words on all 6 sides. I have no idea who arranged them but it always seems to be different when I come in. This week it is especially beautiful. The tea has finished brewing and I'm watching the steam float up towards the spout of the Keurig. There a tiny drop remains as it slowly grows more and more until finally it joins it's brothers and sisters in the glass mug. I hear the door open down the narrow window hall.
"How are you dude?"
The familiar greeting. I like that she has called me dude from day one. I must give off an energy to her that says "dude."
I grab the tea and head down the hall. The window room is taken so I don't get the view but Toni's office is cozy nonetheless.
"I think I'm going to be a floor person from now on" I say leaning against the loveseat, as I set my notes to my left and the tea to my right.
"Why is that? did I ever tell you about my house growing up?"
"Yeah"
"So you're just being polite?"
"eh I think it's inadvertently polite. I just feel like a floor guy."
"inadvertent polite is a good thing."
She asks me about what happened last week. What happened with the text. Instantly the feelings come back and I find my self struggling to speak. My chest is taking quick shallow heaves as I feel the tears press behind my eyes.
"It isn't suppose to be this way. It's not suppose to end like this."
the steam from the tea is drifting up towards my cheeks where it is met by my tears. As if my tears are drops of tea hanging from a Keurig.
"I'm trying my best to not contact her. I'm trying my best to not go over to her house and wipe the snow from her car before she wakes up in the morning. Or leave her notes, or flowers, or text her. I'm doing a good job but it's killing me to wait. You know it's funny. If I do that stuff and she likes me, its romantic. If I do that stuff and she doesn't want me around, it's psychotic and obsessive."
"hmmm that's a very interesting observation. So what do you do?" She asks as she passes the box of tissue to the floor beside me. Sniffling up and catching my breath.
"What can I do? can I read you something?" As I reach for the addiction and grace book I read from it about attachment, addiction, and love.
"If she doesn't want me around what can I do? I just wish I could express myself. I wish I could at least get my feelings for her off my chest. We ended on such a bad note I hope that isn't what she thinks of when she thinks of us."
"Adam, you have 2 years of being great to her and what a couple months of being bad?"
"I was a stone to her."
"true, you were terrible, you really screwed up but, tell me some of the good stuff you did."
I sit as my chest begins to heave again as my mind thinks of all the great things we did.
"She wanted to run in the Boston marathon and I can't run but I wanted to support her and help her. So one night I told her I would ride a bike beside her while she ran. Haha you already know how well I do on a bike. But I wanted to be with her and I wanted to support her. So we started out and it was alright then I hit a curb crashed and I started to rage. Man I got ugly..."
"Adam, there is that self hate."
"haha sorry, sorry, I know."
"But you did something you NEVER do because you wanted to support her?"
"yeah"
"What else tell me another."
"One night this church was doing a night with the homeless where people could bring tents and sleep outside with the homeless. It was great because we both love the homeless and she got a chance to use her tents and sleeping bags. She loved it. So we slept in the tent together and in the morning we ate breakfast at the church with the homeless." Again I have to control my breathing as the warm tears press against my eyes.
"Tell me another."
"One time we were hiking at High Banks and she wanted to run. She loves to run and I'm not good at it but she really wanted to so I tried. I only made it about 2 minutes we had to stop. I could tell she was kinda sad and I always wanted to run with her again. But I don't think she ever asked after that because she thought I hated it so much."
"So what do you think all this means?"
"haha I don't know..."
"You're a sin eater."
"..."
"You take everybody's sins and put them on yourself. You only blame yourself when stuff doesn't go right."
"Well I did treat her like a jerk."
"Yes you certainly did. But you also did a lot of things that you didn't necessarily like but you knew she liked them. You did it because you care about her and about making her happy."
"...I guess"
"Can I tell you something you might not want to hear."
"..."
"its a critique about you."
"haha oh yeah sure I'm a sin eater right? I can handle stuff that's wrong with me."
"haha, right. You have a very Madonna view of women and a very perverted view of yourself."
At first I think to myself how outdated the use of Madonna is as an example of the perfect woman but I understand where she's coming from.
"You think women can do no wrong and that you screw everything up that it's all your fault and you are such a mess. You just eat everyone's sins and you don't think that some of it may be on them. Can you think of differences between you and Kelly?"
"...yeah...I think the biggest thing was she lived spontaneously and I let fear control my life."
"Stop sin eating...tell me a difference."
"Well it's true. She never understood that. She would always say how different we are and I would try to tell her that I like that we are different and I like doing the things that she wants to do. When I would really push through the fear. On my best days that's when it was the best."
"So if one person is constantly focused on the differences and the other person is constantly focused on working and improving the relationship, what do you think is going to happen?" The steam from my tea has settled at this point and I feel another wave of salty tears press against my eyes. I blink and down they roll through the same river path the last set paved. "...Adam?"
"The person who sees the differences isn't going to want to work" I'm barely able to find the words before I stare blankly at the bottom of the door tracing the wood patterns. They look like sharp mountains poking up from the bottom of the door.
"What can you do if one person doesn't want to work?"
"...nothing"
"So do you think it was all your fault? Do you think maybe some of it had to do with her?"
"But you don't understand she use to want to work on it. She begged me to come to counseling. She wasn't going to quit. It's only been a month and a half. How can someone go from wanting to do whatever it takes to stay together to never wanted any degree of relationship? what happened?" At this point I'm in full throttle I've lost the battle between both breath and tears. Toni moves from the couch to the floor with me.
"Adam, you had two great years with her. You showed her how much she means to you. Yes you had a bad month or so at the end but you also have months of doing things for her because you want her to be happy. She has things she needs to work on. You view her as this Madonna but she isn't perfect. Adam I can see you love her very much. I think you would take a bullet for that girl. Am I right?"
"Yeah"
"But it isn't all up to you. Didn't you say full love means we must turn toward over and against other things. If our choice is to be made with integrity, we must first have felt other attractions and chosen, painfully, not to make them. True love, then, is not only born of freedom; it is also born of difficult choice. In that book? You have to let her choose. Can I tell you something?"
"sure"
"Have you ever seen the wizard of Oz?"
"yeah?"
"Once someone gave me this word, they said to me: 'You are like the tin man in that you think you have no heart, you think you are this perverted person. But in reality, you have the biggest heart of all.' I believe that word fits you also." A calmness washed over me and I was able to breath deep for the first time in a bit. She looked over at the clock. We'd been there far longer than we were suppose to. But I don't think there has ever been a time where we didn't go over by at least an hour. I turned to her and said;
"Can I ask you a question Toni?"
"shoot"
"How's come you don't...why aren't you..."
"married? He died..." She caught herself mid sentence. Suddenly her eyes filled with tears and regret for asking filled me. "I sprung a leak, sorry we were just speaking very tenderly and I wasn't ready for that."
"you never have to apologize for crying that'd be like me pointing out a speck in your eye with this log in mine." Suddenly in a moment here we are. Toni and I sitting on the floor of her office both crying. It was a powerful moment. We sat in silence. I felt a sort of peace. Toni was right. Yes I was a jerk at the end. But if it wasn't for that coming out I wouldn't have been able to address it and experience this new freedom from anger I have. And yes Bea and I had months, years of me being there for her. My door was always unlocked for her. She could always come to me. I have countless memories of conversations and dates that we had that made her laugh uncontrollably. Talks where she showed me her heart. Nights where we'd just hold each other. I've done what I could. Bea always asked me if I liked her. Maybe it wasn't my lack of showing her. I think I did a good job at that. Maybe there is something in her that made her never able to trust me. Maybe no matter how perfect I could have been, if she didn't trust and if all she saw was differences it was going to fail.

Toni asked me to pray for us to end this session since she started to cry after thinking of her love. I prayed and we hugged.

I am not perfect.
But neither is Kelly.
It isn't about differences or doing everything right. It's about grace and commitment.

Jesus I pray that you would soften Bea's heart. But I also pray that you would continue to work in her. To help her see who you created her to be. I pray that you would help her to trust. I trust you Jesus. I love that woman a shit load! I have no idea if we will ever get back together or not. But I can say that I loved her as best as I could when I was with her. Even though it was very imperfect, it was real, and it was me. I hope someday she sees that and would at least entertain the idea of opening the lines of communication between us. I miss listening to her talk about her heart very much so.

I am for her.
I always have been.
And I always will be.

I trust you Jesus
soften her heart
heal Bea
heal me.

Copeland - Brightest

If you find yourself here on my side of town
I'd pray that you'd come to my door
Talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about
Cause I don't remember anymore
I just know that she warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are
And she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar

11/16/13

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
-Hebrews 4

What about failure?
What about regret?
What about loss?

We do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weakness, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-yet he did not sin.

What about when I sin...

Jesus, my example of how to live and love never failed. God has never failed. Never sinned. To whom do I look to when I fail? Who do I turn to, who can empathize with me? My high priest, in his perfection?

I don't have an example where Jesus said something He shouldn't have or hurt someone He loved. I don't have an example where Jesus was faced with failure and needed to reconcile a relationship. All the parables and stories are about humans coming to the Father and the Father welcoming with love. But what about my situation?

So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.
-Matthew 5

What if the person I have hurt refuses to talk? How can there be reconciliation? What do I do with my sacrifice at the altar?

If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive. Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive. The apostles said to the Lord, “Show us how to increase our faith.” The Lord answered, “If you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘May you be uprooted and thrown into the sea,’ and it would obey you!
-Luke 17

What if I have been rebuked and there is repentance and I will never treat her that way again but there is still no communication? Show me how to increase my faith.


My last post talked about love towards God but what would it look like applied to ἔρως?

In addition, full love means we must turn toward over and against other things. If our choice is to be made with integrity, we must first have felt other attractions and chosen, painfully, not to make them. True love, then, is not only born of freedom; it is also born of difficult choice. A mature and meaningful love must say something like, "I have experienced other goodnesses, and they are beautiful, but it is you, my true heart's desire, whom I choose above all." We have to turn away before we can come back with dignity.

I have seen the ways I hurt her. I have worked with Toni to fix them. I have been healed of wounds I'd never knew where there. I reached out to her. I've prayed. I've prayed. I've prayed. But True love isn't just born of freedom; it is also born of difficult choice. One sided love is a very depressing unhealthy thing. If I go on loving her but she refuses to talk what a painful and agonizing prison I put myself in. Love takes two. Yes I hurt her and she has every right to never speak to me again. But if love is to work. If this is to be love, to be reconciled. Then difficult choice, risk, trust, pain, and forgiveness must come from her end as well. There must be a choosing towards and a choosing against other things.

If I hurt her too badly for her to choose me above others then what can I do? I am a new creation. I am no longer that caterpillar but You have made me into the butterfly You always saw in me. Never again will I treat anyone the way I use to. Now I am at the end of myself. It is a painfully humbling place to be. At the mercy of a loved one. Standing again by the road. But the difference between the Father in the parable and me is that I am the very reason she left. When the prodigal son thought of coming home he didn't think of the pain his Father caused him. The laziness, the fear, the anger. It is a very different roadside waiting that I do than that of the Father.

Jesus I trust You.
Soften her heart.
Take my brokenness aside and make it beautiful.

All Sons & Daughters - Brokenness Aside

I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

11/14/13

What would happen to our freedom if God, our perfect lover, were to appear before us with such objective clarity that all our doubts disappeared? We would experience a kind of love, to be sure, but it would be love like a reflex. Almost without thought, we would fix all our desires upon this Divine Object, try to grasp and possess it, addict ourselves to it. I think God refuses to be an object for attachment because God desires full love, not addiction. Love born of true freedom, love free from attachment, requires that we search for deepening awareness of God, just as God freely reaches out to us.
In addition, full love for God means we must turn to God over and against other things. If our choice of God is to be made with integrity, we must first have felt other attractions and chosen, painfully, not to make them our gods. True love, then, is not only born of freedom; it is also born of difficult choice. A mature and meaningful love must say something like, "I have experienced other goodnesses, and they are beautiful, but it is You, my true heart's desire, whom I choose above all." We have to turn away before we can come home with dignity.
...We may begin to reclaim our primary desire for God. Like the prodigal, we may choose to come home. But at this point, after years of displacing desire and of adapting to addictions elsewhere, home will not seem normal. Thus we respond to God's homeward call with a mixture of hope and fear. Something in us knows that this home is where we belong, but in many ways it also feels like alien territory. The journey homeward, the process of homemaking in God involves withdrawal from addictive behaviors that have become normal for us. In withdrawal, attachments are lessened, and their energy is freed for simpler, purer desire and care. In other words, human desire is freed for love. Constance FitzGerald puts it this way: "In the process of affective redemption, desire is not suppressed or destroyed, but gradually transferred, purified, transformed, set on fire. We go through the struggles and ambiguities of human desire to integration and personal wholeness."
...What we lose in homecoming is not the objects of our attachment, nor even our care for them. In fact, our care grows towards true love, love that sees and appreciates all things in the world for what they are. What we lose is the attachment itself, the strength of our addictive behavior in relationship to these objects, the way we make gods of them. But we feel no real consolation when we experience the inevitable withdrawal symptoms that accompany letting go our attachments. There is real pain here. If I am a heroin addict in withdrawal, I will not be consoled by knowing that heroin will still exist in the world after I withdraw from it. What I want, and what I am losing, is the use of it. Similarly, if I am withdrawing from addiction to a relationship or possession, it will not ease my sense of loss to know that the person or thing will continue to be present in my life or in my heart. I will not even want to hear that my love will be stronger if I let it go. What I cling to most is my use, my idolization of that person or thing.
The loss of attachment is the loss of something very real; it is physical. We will resist this loss as long as we possibly can. When withdrawal does happen, it will hurt. And, after it is over, we will mourn. Only then, when we have completed the grieving over our lost attachment, will we breathe the fresh air of freedom with appreciation and gratitude.
...One of the most powerful and potentially frightening realizations is that there is no new normality of freedom to replace the old ones of addiction. As I have said, there can be no addiction to the true God because God refuses to be an object. God is more with us, more intimate, more steady than anything else in life. God is our ever-present Creator, Sustainer, and Redeemer. God is the one completely passionate and faithful Lover of our lives. And yet, God is never "normal."
...But addiction to a religious system, like addiction to anything else, brings slavery, not freedom. The structures of religion are meant to mediate God's self-revelation through community; they are not meant to be substitute gods. Doctrine of belief, rules of life, standards of conduct, and reliance on Scripture are all essential aspects of an authentic spiritual life. Sacraments are special means of grace; God acts through them with great power. All these things are vehicles for God's love, but addiction to them makes them obstacles to the freedom of our own hearts.
-Addiction & Grace, Chapter 5. Spirit: The Theological Nature of Addiction, Gerald May

"What we lose in homecoming is not the objects of our attachment, nor even our care for them. In fact, our care grows towards true love, love that sees and appreciates all things in the world for what they are. What we lose is the attachment itself, the strength of our addictive behavior in relationship to these objects, the way we make gods of them."

Is this true love? Is this what You ask of me oh God?
Not that I should cease loving Bea but cease my attachment to her?
Will my love be stronger if I let her go?
What shape will my love for her take?
I will not be a place for her to rest.
I will not be a place for her to laugh uncontrollably.
I will not be a place for her to weep.
I will not be a place for her to express.
What shape then will my love for her take?
How can love grow stronger through release?
How can there be reconciliation if both sides "let go?"
How can redemption take place?

What if the Father "let go" when the prodigal walked out?
Am I not to shadow that same love?
That painful, heart demolishing, vulnerable love, which stands by the road with it's gaze fixed upon the path which she might return?
Am I not, upon sight of her return, to make haste towards her placing rings upon her fingers and begging for her forgiveness for the sins I've committed against her?

Or in this sense am I not to stand by the road waiting but rather to take chase?
Am I to pursue love?

Here I sit another day passes as I seek Your will.
Another day her heart closes more fully towards me.
Another day my arms long to hold her tightly.

Wait
let go
pursue

I trust you Jesus
Soften her heart

Maybe she needs more time
Maybe we need more time
Maybe I'm delusional

I wonder does she even miss me?
Does she miss my embrace?
Does she miss our talks?
Does she miss seeing me?
Does she miss our dreams?
Does she even miss me?

God did you really tell her it's good for us to not have any sort of contact?
Did I hear You wrong Saturday?
Where are You right now?
I told Brian about this weekend and how I poured out my heart in that blue notebook. I told him how Toni made me read it to her, how she asked me to pour out the vulnerability to her only to find that Bea would want nothing to do with my heart. He said maybe that was the point. For me to get it out and to express it with pen and paper, express it with words and tears but not to Bea.
Is that why You told me to pursue and her to dismiss?
Then why do I still love her?
What is the next step?

Play Crack the Sky - Brand New

Your tongue is a rudder.
It steers the whole ship.
Sends your words past your lips
Or keeps them safe behind your teeth.
But the wrong words will strand you.
Come off course while you sleep.
Sweep your boat out to sea
Or dashed to bits on the reef.