I'm not sure what to say or what exactly I think. I haven't written on here for a bit because I'm really confused.
Monday night Bea showed up to the pantry.
It's what I'd been praying for. It's what I'd hoped.
We talked.
My heart was going insane.
I told her what I've been keeping in for nearly two months.
We held each other.
She agreed to meet with Toni with me.
But this sort of thing doesn't happen...
This isn't how life goes.
She wasn't suppose to listen to me.
She wasn't suppose to even be at the pantry.
But she did listen, she was there...
I don't understand.
I know this doesn't mean anything.
I know this isn't a guarantee. I know there can be no guarantees in this life.
I know she may back out of meeting with Toni.
I know she may not share my feelings.
But in the midst of all of this I can feel only peace.
And that is confusing as well.
Why aren't I anxious?
Why aren't I afraid?
I have been praying and praying that You, God, would give me the chance to pour my heart to Bea and You answered that prayer.
Not just answered but You answered like I was hoping...
Probably more than I was hoping.
I don't understand.
What's happening right now?
Why is whatever is happening right now happening?
I don't know
I'm confused
It's as if I'm unsure of how to live peacefully.
It's as if my thoughts are controlling my feelings.
Like when an apathetic husband brings flowers home and the wife responds with a suspicious "What are these for?" rather than accepting the gift for what it is past experiences have shaped this moment into not one to simply be in and enjoy but rather to be weary of because it must be some sort of trick or scheme.
I've prayed for more trust in You and You met me there.
But this wasn't some test:
“If you are the Son of God, jump off! For the Scriptures say, ‘He will order his angels to protect you. And they will hold you up with their hands so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.’"
-Matthew 4
It wasn't a prayer of "if you love me then..." "If you are real then..." It was more of a prayer as George MacDonald has put it:
"He is not afraid of your presumptuous approach to him. It is you who are afraid to come near him. He is not watching over his dignity. It is you who fear to be sent away as the disciples would have sent away the little children. It is you who think so much about your souls and are so afraid of losing your life, that you dare not draw near to the Life of life, lest it should consume you. Our God, we will trust thee. Shall we not find thee equal to our faith? One day, we shall laugh ourselves to scorn that we looked for so little from thee; for thy giving will not be limited by our hoping. ...Shall God's thoughts be surpassed by man's thoughts? God's giving by man's asking? God's creation by man's imagination? No. Let us climb to the height of our Alpine desires; let us leave them behind us and ascend the spear-pointed Himmalays of our aspirations; still shall we find the depth of God's sapphire above us; still shall we find the heavens higher than the earth, and his thoughts and his ways higher than our thoughts and our ways."
It was in this understanding or rather, I should say this faith in Your goodness from which a prayed.
Not in a challenge or a calling out, a testing or a doubting scoff.
But rather it was a climbing to the height of my desires, my aspirations.
It was from a faith, a hope that You are exactly who You are. Nothing less, and so much more.
for thy giving will not be limited by our hoping.
I don't know what's next.
I have no control over Bea.
But I do have control over myself.
And my trust and faith in You, Oh my God, has increased.
"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
-Mark 9
I trust you Jesus
soften her heart
heal Bea
heal me.
The Steel Wheels - Alaska
Monday night Bea showed up to the pantry.
It's what I'd been praying for. It's what I'd hoped.
We talked.
My heart was going insane.
I told her what I've been keeping in for nearly two months.
We held each other.
She agreed to meet with Toni with me.
But this sort of thing doesn't happen...
This isn't how life goes.
She wasn't suppose to listen to me.
She wasn't suppose to even be at the pantry.
But she did listen, she was there...
I don't understand.
I know this doesn't mean anything.
I know this isn't a guarantee. I know there can be no guarantees in this life.
I know she may back out of meeting with Toni.
I know she may not share my feelings.
But in the midst of all of this I can feel only peace.
And that is confusing as well.
Why aren't I anxious?
Why aren't I afraid?
I have been praying and praying that You, God, would give me the chance to pour my heart to Bea and You answered that prayer.
Not just answered but You answered like I was hoping...
Probably more than I was hoping.
I don't understand.
What's happening right now?
Why is whatever is happening right now happening?
I don't know
I'm confused
It's as if I'm unsure of how to live peacefully.
It's as if my thoughts are controlling my feelings.
Like when an apathetic husband brings flowers home and the wife responds with a suspicious "What are these for?" rather than accepting the gift for what it is past experiences have shaped this moment into not one to simply be in and enjoy but rather to be weary of because it must be some sort of trick or scheme.
I've prayed for more trust in You and You met me there.
But this wasn't some test:
“If you are the Son of God, jump off! For the Scriptures say, ‘He will order his angels to protect you. And they will hold you up with their hands so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.’"
-Matthew 4
It wasn't a prayer of "if you love me then..." "If you are real then..." It was more of a prayer as George MacDonald has put it:
"He is not afraid of your presumptuous approach to him. It is you who are afraid to come near him. He is not watching over his dignity. It is you who fear to be sent away as the disciples would have sent away the little children. It is you who think so much about your souls and are so afraid of losing your life, that you dare not draw near to the Life of life, lest it should consume you. Our God, we will trust thee. Shall we not find thee equal to our faith? One day, we shall laugh ourselves to scorn that we looked for so little from thee; for thy giving will not be limited by our hoping. ...Shall God's thoughts be surpassed by man's thoughts? God's giving by man's asking? God's creation by man's imagination? No. Let us climb to the height of our Alpine desires; let us leave them behind us and ascend the spear-pointed Himmalays of our aspirations; still shall we find the depth of God's sapphire above us; still shall we find the heavens higher than the earth, and his thoughts and his ways higher than our thoughts and our ways."
It was in this understanding or rather, I should say this faith in Your goodness from which a prayed.
Not in a challenge or a calling out, a testing or a doubting scoff.
But rather it was a climbing to the height of my desires, my aspirations.
It was from a faith, a hope that You are exactly who You are. Nothing less, and so much more.
for thy giving will not be limited by our hoping.
I don't know what's next.
I have no control over Bea.
But I do have control over myself.
And my trust and faith in You, Oh my God, has increased.
"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
-Mark 9
I trust you Jesus
soften her heart
heal Bea
heal me.
The Steel Wheels - Alaska