I push the door open as far as it will allow. The rug on the floor prevents the door from opening all the way. I slide myself past and make my way to the Keurig. Sliding the metal tray below today, this morning, I select earl grey. As I grab one of the familiar tiny clear glass mugs in to position and push the button I sit in the chair closest to the machine.
"Please trust God never stop dreaming of love"
reads the wood blocks with words on all 6 sides. I have no idea who arranged them but it always seems to be different when I come in. This week it is especially beautiful. The tea has finished brewing and I'm watching the steam float up towards the spout of the Keurig. There a tiny drop remains as it slowly grows more and more until finally it joins it's brothers and sisters in the glass mug. I hear the door open down the narrow window hall.
"How are you dude?"
The familiar greeting. I like that she has called me dude from day one. I must give off an energy to her that says "dude."
I grab the tea and head down the hall. The window room is taken so I don't get the view but Toni's office is cozy nonetheless.
"I think I'm going to be a floor person from now on" I say leaning against the loveseat, as I set my notes to my left and the tea to my right.
"Why is that? did I ever tell you about my house growing up?"
"Yeah"
"So you're just being polite?"
"eh I think it's inadvertently polite. I just feel like a floor guy."
"inadvertent polite is a good thing."
She asks me about what happened last week. What happened with the text. Instantly the feelings come back and I find my self struggling to speak. My chest is taking quick shallow heaves as I feel the tears press behind my eyes.
"It isn't suppose to be this way. It's not suppose to end like this."
the steam from the tea is drifting up towards my cheeks where it is met by my tears. As if my tears are drops of tea hanging from a Keurig.
"I'm trying my best to not contact her. I'm trying my best to not go over to her house and wipe the snow from her car before she wakes up in the morning. Or leave her notes, or flowers, or text her. I'm doing a good job but it's killing me to wait. You know it's funny. If I do that stuff and she likes me, its romantic. If I do that stuff and she doesn't want me around, it's psychotic and obsessive."
"hmmm that's a very interesting observation. So what do you do?" She asks as she passes the box of tissue to the floor beside me. Sniffling up and catching my breath.
"What can I do? can I read you something?" As I reach for the addiction and grace book I read from it about attachment, addiction, and love.
"If she doesn't want me around what can I do? I just wish I could express myself. I wish I could at least get my feelings for her off my chest. We ended on such a bad note I hope that isn't what she thinks of when she thinks of us."
"Adam, you have 2 years of being great to her and what a couple months of being bad?"
"I was a stone to her."
"true, you were terrible, you really screwed up but, tell me some of the good stuff you did."
I sit as my chest begins to heave again as my mind thinks of all the great things we did.
"She wanted to run in the Boston marathon and I can't run but I wanted to support her and help her. So one night I told her I would ride a bike beside her while she ran. Haha you already know how well I do on a bike. But I wanted to be with her and I wanted to support her. So we started out and it was alright then I hit a curb crashed and I started to rage. Man I got ugly..."
"Adam, there is that self hate."
"haha sorry, sorry, I know."
"But you did something you NEVER do because you wanted to support her?"
"yeah"
"What else tell me another."
"One night this church was doing a night with the homeless where people could bring tents and sleep outside with the homeless. It was great because we both love the homeless and she got a chance to use her tents and sleeping bags. She loved it. So we slept in the tent together and in the morning we ate breakfast at the church with the homeless." Again I have to control my breathing as the warm tears press against my eyes.
"Tell me another."
"One time we were hiking at High Banks and she wanted to run. She loves to run and I'm not good at it but she really wanted to so I tried. I only made it about 2 minutes we had to stop. I could tell she was kinda sad and I always wanted to run with her again. But I don't think she ever asked after that because she thought I hated it so much."
"So what do you think all this means?"
"haha I don't know..."
"You're a sin eater."
"..."
"You take everybody's sins and put them on yourself. You only blame yourself when stuff doesn't go right."
"Well I did treat her like a jerk."
"Yes you certainly did. But you also did a lot of things that you didn't necessarily like but you knew she liked them. You did it because you care about her and about making her happy."
"...I guess"
"Can I tell you something you might not want to hear."
"..."
"its a critique about you."
"haha oh yeah sure I'm a sin eater right? I can handle stuff that's wrong with me."
"haha, right. You have a very Madonna view of women and a very perverted view of yourself."
At first I think to myself how outdated the use of Madonna is as an example of the perfect woman but I understand where she's coming from.
"You think women can do no wrong and that you screw everything up that it's all your fault and you are such a mess. You just eat everyone's sins and you don't think that some of it may be on them. Can you think of differences between you and Kelly?"
"...yeah...I think the biggest thing was she lived spontaneously and I let fear control my life."
"Stop sin eating...tell me a difference."
"Well it's true. She never understood that. She would always say how different we are and I would try to tell her that I like that we are different and I like doing the things that she wants to do. When I would really push through the fear. On my best days that's when it was the best."
"So if one person is constantly focused on the differences and the other person is constantly focused on working and improving the relationship, what do you think is going to happen?" The steam from my tea has settled at this point and I feel another wave of salty tears press against my eyes. I blink and down they roll through the same river path the last set paved. "...Adam?"
"The person who sees the differences isn't going to want to work" I'm barely able to find the words before I stare blankly at the bottom of the door tracing the wood patterns. They look like sharp mountains poking up from the bottom of the door.
"What can you do if one person doesn't want to work?"
"...nothing"
"So do you think it was all your fault? Do you think maybe some of it had to do with her?"
"But you don't understand she use to want to work on it. She begged me to come to counseling. She wasn't going to quit. It's only been a month and a half. How can someone go from wanting to do whatever it takes to stay together to never wanted any degree of relationship? what happened?" At this point I'm in full throttle I've lost the battle between both breath and tears. Toni moves from the couch to the floor with me.
"Adam, you had two great years with her. You showed her how much she means to you. Yes you had a bad month or so at the end but you also have months of doing things for her because you want her to be happy. She has things she needs to work on. You view her as this Madonna but she isn't perfect. Adam I can see you love her very much. I think you would take a bullet for that girl. Am I right?"
"Yeah"
"But it isn't all up to you. Didn't you say full love means we must turn toward over and against other things. If our choice is to be made with integrity, we must first have felt other attractions and chosen, painfully, not to make them. True love, then, is not only born of freedom; it is also born of difficult choice. In that book? You have to let her choose. Can I tell you something?"
"sure"
"Have you ever seen the wizard of Oz?"
"yeah?"
"Once someone gave me this word, they said to me: 'You are like the tin man in that you think you have no heart, you think you are this perverted person. But in reality, you have the biggest heart of all.' I believe that word fits you also." A calmness washed over me and I was able to breath deep for the first time in a bit. She looked over at the clock. We'd been there far longer than we were suppose to. But I don't think there has ever been a time where we didn't go over by at least an hour. I turned to her and said;
"Can I ask you a question Toni?"
"shoot"
"How's come you don't...why aren't you..."
"married? He died..." She caught herself mid sentence. Suddenly her eyes filled with tears and regret for asking filled me. "I sprung a leak, sorry we were just speaking very tenderly and I wasn't ready for that."
"you never have to apologize for crying that'd be like me pointing out a speck in your eye with this log in mine." Suddenly in a moment here we are. Toni and I sitting on the floor of her office both crying. It was a powerful moment. We sat in silence. I felt a sort of peace. Toni was right. Yes I was a jerk at the end. But if it wasn't for that coming out I wouldn't have been able to address it and experience this new freedom from anger I have. And yes Bea and I had months, years of me being there for her. My door was always unlocked for her. She could always come to me. I have countless memories of conversations and dates that we had that made her laugh uncontrollably. Talks where she showed me her heart. Nights where we'd just hold each other. I've done what I could. Bea always asked me if I liked her. Maybe it wasn't my lack of showing her. I think I did a good job at that. Maybe there is something in her that made her never able to trust me. Maybe no matter how perfect I could have been, if she didn't trust and if all she saw was differences it was going to fail.
Toni asked me to pray for us to end this session since she started to cry after thinking of her love. I prayed and we hugged.
I am not perfect.
But neither is Kelly.
It isn't about differences or doing everything right. It's about grace and commitment.
Jesus I pray that you would soften Bea's heart. But I also pray that you would continue to work in her. To help her see who you created her to be. I pray that you would help her to trust. I trust you Jesus. I love that woman a shit load! I have no idea if we will ever get back together or not. But I can say that I loved her as best as I could when I was with her. Even though it was very imperfect, it was real, and it was me. I hope someday she sees that and would at least entertain the idea of opening the lines of communication between us. I miss listening to her talk about her heart very much so.
I am for her.
I always have been.
And I always will be.
I trust you Jesus
soften her heart
heal Bea
heal me.
Copeland - Brightest
If you find yourself here on my side of town
I'd pray that you'd come to my door
Talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about
Cause I don't remember anymore
I just know that she warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are
And she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar
"Please trust God never stop dreaming of love"
reads the wood blocks with words on all 6 sides. I have no idea who arranged them but it always seems to be different when I come in. This week it is especially beautiful. The tea has finished brewing and I'm watching the steam float up towards the spout of the Keurig. There a tiny drop remains as it slowly grows more and more until finally it joins it's brothers and sisters in the glass mug. I hear the door open down the narrow window hall.
"How are you dude?"
The familiar greeting. I like that she has called me dude from day one. I must give off an energy to her that says "dude."
I grab the tea and head down the hall. The window room is taken so I don't get the view but Toni's office is cozy nonetheless.
"I think I'm going to be a floor person from now on" I say leaning against the loveseat, as I set my notes to my left and the tea to my right.
"Why is that? did I ever tell you about my house growing up?"
"Yeah"
"So you're just being polite?"
"eh I think it's inadvertently polite. I just feel like a floor guy."
"inadvertent polite is a good thing."
She asks me about what happened last week. What happened with the text. Instantly the feelings come back and I find my self struggling to speak. My chest is taking quick shallow heaves as I feel the tears press behind my eyes.
"It isn't suppose to be this way. It's not suppose to end like this."
the steam from the tea is drifting up towards my cheeks where it is met by my tears. As if my tears are drops of tea hanging from a Keurig.
"I'm trying my best to not contact her. I'm trying my best to not go over to her house and wipe the snow from her car before she wakes up in the morning. Or leave her notes, or flowers, or text her. I'm doing a good job but it's killing me to wait. You know it's funny. If I do that stuff and she likes me, its romantic. If I do that stuff and she doesn't want me around, it's psychotic and obsessive."
"hmmm that's a very interesting observation. So what do you do?" She asks as she passes the box of tissue to the floor beside me. Sniffling up and catching my breath.
"What can I do? can I read you something?" As I reach for the addiction and grace book I read from it about attachment, addiction, and love.
"If she doesn't want me around what can I do? I just wish I could express myself. I wish I could at least get my feelings for her off my chest. We ended on such a bad note I hope that isn't what she thinks of when she thinks of us."
"Adam, you have 2 years of being great to her and what a couple months of being bad?"
"I was a stone to her."
"true, you were terrible, you really screwed up but, tell me some of the good stuff you did."
I sit as my chest begins to heave again as my mind thinks of all the great things we did.
"She wanted to run in the Boston marathon and I can't run but I wanted to support her and help her. So one night I told her I would ride a bike beside her while she ran. Haha you already know how well I do on a bike. But I wanted to be with her and I wanted to support her. So we started out and it was alright then I hit a curb crashed and I started to rage. Man I got ugly..."
"Adam, there is that self hate."
"haha sorry, sorry, I know."
"But you did something you NEVER do because you wanted to support her?"
"yeah"
"What else tell me another."
"One night this church was doing a night with the homeless where people could bring tents and sleep outside with the homeless. It was great because we both love the homeless and she got a chance to use her tents and sleeping bags. She loved it. So we slept in the tent together and in the morning we ate breakfast at the church with the homeless." Again I have to control my breathing as the warm tears press against my eyes.
"Tell me another."
"One time we were hiking at High Banks and she wanted to run. She loves to run and I'm not good at it but she really wanted to so I tried. I only made it about 2 minutes we had to stop. I could tell she was kinda sad and I always wanted to run with her again. But I don't think she ever asked after that because she thought I hated it so much."
"So what do you think all this means?"
"haha I don't know..."
"You're a sin eater."
"..."
"You take everybody's sins and put them on yourself. You only blame yourself when stuff doesn't go right."
"Well I did treat her like a jerk."
"Yes you certainly did. But you also did a lot of things that you didn't necessarily like but you knew she liked them. You did it because you care about her and about making her happy."
"...I guess"
"Can I tell you something you might not want to hear."
"..."
"its a critique about you."
"haha oh yeah sure I'm a sin eater right? I can handle stuff that's wrong with me."
"haha, right. You have a very Madonna view of women and a very perverted view of yourself."
At first I think to myself how outdated the use of Madonna is as an example of the perfect woman but I understand where she's coming from.
"You think women can do no wrong and that you screw everything up that it's all your fault and you are such a mess. You just eat everyone's sins and you don't think that some of it may be on them. Can you think of differences between you and Kelly?"
"...yeah...I think the biggest thing was she lived spontaneously and I let fear control my life."
"Stop sin eating...tell me a difference."
"Well it's true. She never understood that. She would always say how different we are and I would try to tell her that I like that we are different and I like doing the things that she wants to do. When I would really push through the fear. On my best days that's when it was the best."
"So if one person is constantly focused on the differences and the other person is constantly focused on working and improving the relationship, what do you think is going to happen?" The steam from my tea has settled at this point and I feel another wave of salty tears press against my eyes. I blink and down they roll through the same river path the last set paved. "...Adam?"
"The person who sees the differences isn't going to want to work" I'm barely able to find the words before I stare blankly at the bottom of the door tracing the wood patterns. They look like sharp mountains poking up from the bottom of the door.
"What can you do if one person doesn't want to work?"
"...nothing"
"So do you think it was all your fault? Do you think maybe some of it had to do with her?"
"But you don't understand she use to want to work on it. She begged me to come to counseling. She wasn't going to quit. It's only been a month and a half. How can someone go from wanting to do whatever it takes to stay together to never wanted any degree of relationship? what happened?" At this point I'm in full throttle I've lost the battle between both breath and tears. Toni moves from the couch to the floor with me.
"Adam, you had two great years with her. You showed her how much she means to you. Yes you had a bad month or so at the end but you also have months of doing things for her because you want her to be happy. She has things she needs to work on. You view her as this Madonna but she isn't perfect. Adam I can see you love her very much. I think you would take a bullet for that girl. Am I right?"
"Yeah"
"But it isn't all up to you. Didn't you say full love means we must turn toward over and against other things. If our choice is to be made with integrity, we must first have felt other attractions and chosen, painfully, not to make them. True love, then, is not only born of freedom; it is also born of difficult choice. In that book? You have to let her choose. Can I tell you something?"
"sure"
"Have you ever seen the wizard of Oz?"
"yeah?"
"Once someone gave me this word, they said to me: 'You are like the tin man in that you think you have no heart, you think you are this perverted person. But in reality, you have the biggest heart of all.' I believe that word fits you also." A calmness washed over me and I was able to breath deep for the first time in a bit. She looked over at the clock. We'd been there far longer than we were suppose to. But I don't think there has ever been a time where we didn't go over by at least an hour. I turned to her and said;
"Can I ask you a question Toni?"
"shoot"
"How's come you don't...why aren't you..."
"married? He died..." She caught herself mid sentence. Suddenly her eyes filled with tears and regret for asking filled me. "I sprung a leak, sorry we were just speaking very tenderly and I wasn't ready for that."
"you never have to apologize for crying that'd be like me pointing out a speck in your eye with this log in mine." Suddenly in a moment here we are. Toni and I sitting on the floor of her office both crying. It was a powerful moment. We sat in silence. I felt a sort of peace. Toni was right. Yes I was a jerk at the end. But if it wasn't for that coming out I wouldn't have been able to address it and experience this new freedom from anger I have. And yes Bea and I had months, years of me being there for her. My door was always unlocked for her. She could always come to me. I have countless memories of conversations and dates that we had that made her laugh uncontrollably. Talks where she showed me her heart. Nights where we'd just hold each other. I've done what I could. Bea always asked me if I liked her. Maybe it wasn't my lack of showing her. I think I did a good job at that. Maybe there is something in her that made her never able to trust me. Maybe no matter how perfect I could have been, if she didn't trust and if all she saw was differences it was going to fail.
Toni asked me to pray for us to end this session since she started to cry after thinking of her love. I prayed and we hugged.
I am not perfect.
But neither is Kelly.
It isn't about differences or doing everything right. It's about grace and commitment.
Jesus I pray that you would soften Bea's heart. But I also pray that you would continue to work in her. To help her see who you created her to be. I pray that you would help her to trust. I trust you Jesus. I love that woman a shit load! I have no idea if we will ever get back together or not. But I can say that I loved her as best as I could when I was with her. Even though it was very imperfect, it was real, and it was me. I hope someday she sees that and would at least entertain the idea of opening the lines of communication between us. I miss listening to her talk about her heart very much so.
I am for her.
I always have been.
And I always will be.
I trust you Jesus
soften her heart
heal Bea
heal me.
Copeland - Brightest
If you find yourself here on my side of town
I'd pray that you'd come to my door
Talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about
Cause I don't remember anymore
I just know that she warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are
And she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar