Solomon reunites with his son Dia
Sometimes the loved one drops the gun, puts down the walls.
Sometimes not.
Friday after work I drove over to Toni's office and there I sat as I have week in and week out tears all over my face snot all over my sleeve.
"I love her" I would tell her
"You need to work on somethings before you speak with her" she would reply.
A month passed and here I am Friday night, a new man. I new creation. Toni tells me she sees massive change. I tell her I can no longer keep my silence from Bea. The love that I have within me is swelling and I feel like I am about to explode.
We pray, she prints out a covenant for couples if one person has anger problems.
I'm terrified as I look at her and think,
"What if she's grown bitter?"
"What if she won't listen?"
or worse "What if she listens and rejects?"
Toni peacefully asks if I trust Jesus.
If I'm honest with myself, no. I don't trust Jesus. My whole life I've put on the goat fur and pretended to be Esau in order to get what I desire. Because of the self hate that I have been freed from I use to think if anyone saw just who I truly am they wouldn't be with me. So I become Zack Morris. I put on the mask and begin working the levers, the smoke and mirrors. But I'm tired of always looking over my shoulder. I'm tired of pretending. and so we pray.
We pray that I would trust Jesus and it's suspiciously difficult for me to say it.
We press in.
Something spiritual is going on.
I trust you Jesus
I trust you Jesus
its difficult but it's good.
I trust you Jesus
I trust you Jesus
I am overwhelmed by the situation. I love Bea, but how I treated her gives her every right to let bitterness grow in her heart and trust to die. So I have lost control. I can't work the situation anymore. I can't manipulate, trick, smooth talk. I am at the end of myself.
If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.
-Matthew 16
And so I die.
I give up my life.
I trust you Jesus
I trust you Jesus
I open my hands so that you will fill them again.
Toni and I had been talking for hours and it was getting late. She told me she was doing a teaching at the church tomorrow.
"If you want to have any shot at getting back with Bea, it's going to need to be 100% God and You are going to have to speak from your heart. You withheld your heart from her while you dated that is the thing that she needs to see. I want you to fast, worship, and pray all morning tomorrow listen for God. I'm done with my talk at 2:30 come by the church and we'll see what God said."
"Jesus please soften her heart" I pray over and over as I am in my bed.
"Jesus soften her heart"
"I trust you Jesus"
I woke up Saturday and worshiped and prayed for 6 hours.
I trust you Jesus
Soften her heart
I trust you Jesus
Three days later, when David and his men arrived home at their town of Ziklag, they found that the Amalekites had made a raid into the Negev and Ziklag; they had crushed Ziklag and burned it to the ground. They had carried off the women and children and everyone else but without killing anyone. When David and his men saw the ruins and realized what had happened to their families, they wept until they could weep no more. David’s two wives, Ahinoam from Jezreel and Abigail, the widow of Nabal from Carmel, were among those captured. David was now in great danger because all his men were very bitter about losing their sons and daughters, and they began to talk of stoning him. But David found strength in the Lord his God. Then he said to Abiathar the priest, “Bring me the ephod!” So Abiathar brought it. and David inquired of the Lord, “Shall I pursue this raiding party? Will I overtake them?”
“Pursue them,” The Lord answered. “You will certainly overtake them and succeed in the rescue.”
-1 Samuel 30
6 hours I wept until I could weep no more.
But I found strength in the Lord.
and so I prayed to my God, my king
"Jesus shall I pursue Bea? Will she even listen?"
The Lord answered "Pursue her"
I asked Ellen to pray with me before I left the house.
I got in my car and drove to talk with Toni.
I showed her my journal of what I had gotten while I fasted, worshiped, and prayed. She asked me what I would say to Bea and so I poured it out to her crying in the cafe of the church.
She left and I sat there at the table as I texted Bea.
"Would you be willing to talk with me?" Soften her heart Jesus, soften her heart, I pray with my hand over the phone. I trust you Jesus
I waited a bit but decided it would be safer if I took the news at home. As I was driving my phone vibrated. I pulled off the nearest exit and parked in an abandoned lot.
"Why do you want to talk?"
"I have things I want to express"
"I don't want to have any sort of relationship at this point." I trust you Jesus I trust you Jesus
"Bea will you at least let me express how I feel? I need you to hear."
"I don't think anything you say will change that. I'm not mad or anything. I just want to move on." I trust you Jesus, I trust you Jesus, soften her heart PLEASE
"I understand. Please open your heart. You have every reason to say no. But I have things in my heart that I must express towards you."
"I do not want to talk." My heart feels like a piece of paper in a dogs mouth. I trust you Jesus, PLEASE soften her heart, I trust you Jesus.
"We don't have to talk today or tomorrow will you at least pray about it and talk to Toni and your friends?"
"I don't want to talk. I've been praying about it and I think it's good that we're not talking." I trust you Jesus, soften her heart.
"I think it has been good for us to not talk but maybe things have changed."
"It still is good. I don't want to talk to you." SOFTEN HER HEART JESUS SOFTEN HER HEART please Jesus I trust you.
"Will you let me know if your heart changes? And will you please keep praying and talking about it?"
"Yes I'll let you know."
"Thank you Bea."
Sometimes the loved one drops the gun, puts down the walls.
Sometimes not.
I scoop up what's left of my heart and drive it back to my place. Ellen is in the kitchen preparing for a dinner party and Travis is sick upstairs. I am in my room collecting myself.
I will not feel self hate for the way I treated her. I will not allow anger.
What happened God? Did I hear you wrong? Is she hearing you wrong? How can we both pray to you and get two difference answers? Did you want me to pursue to fail? How can she be so cold. Has she forgiven me? Will she? Will her heart soften? What do I do?
hungry
exhausted
vulnerable
rejected
I pace the house between the where Ellen and Travis is. I feel like I've been punched in the gut. Anger lies in wait for me.
I want to get angry at myself.
I want to say the grapes are sour.
But I won't go back from where I came from. I will never be angry again. So with anger not as an option I am limited to grief.
What a horrible feeling.
grief.
God has been creating in me a new heart. He is making me new. He has wiped the fear and anger from my life and once the window to my heart was cleaned of the sludge all that is left is my true vulnerable love towards Bea.
And she won't talk.
I want to say I don't really love her. I want to say it is her loss. I want to say I screwed it all up.
But those are lies. That's the old man speaking.
The truth is always far more painful.
The truth is I love her very much.
I love her more than I have ever loved someone.
It may be her loss
I may have screwed it up
But those things aren't up to me.
I trust you Jesus
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
-Romans 12
So now I wait.
I'm not sure what to do.
I shall keep praying for her heart to soften. I will keep praying that she would at least hear me. That she would know how much I regret disrespecting her. That she would know the steps I've taken to guarantee that I will never treat her like that again and that I will treat her better than any other man can. I know that I can. I will love her better than any man will ever be able to.
But it isn't up to me. I have given up manipulation. I have given up control. I have given up my life. So I pray to You Jesus.
You are good.
I trust you Jesus.
Soften her heart.
I used to think God guided us by opening and closing doors, but now I
know sometimes God wants us to kick doors down.
—Bob Goff, Love Does
Love is not rude. It does not demand its own way.
-1 Corinthians 13
I know God wants us to kick doors down sometimes. But I also know love does not force itself upon anyone.
I trust you Jesus.
Soften her heart.
You are good.
Jon Foreman - My Love Goes Free
Sometimes the loved one drops the gun, puts down the walls.
Sometimes not.
Friday after work I drove over to Toni's office and there I sat as I have week in and week out tears all over my face snot all over my sleeve.
"I love her" I would tell her
"You need to work on somethings before you speak with her" she would reply.
A month passed and here I am Friday night, a new man. I new creation. Toni tells me she sees massive change. I tell her I can no longer keep my silence from Bea. The love that I have within me is swelling and I feel like I am about to explode.
We pray, she prints out a covenant for couples if one person has anger problems.
I'm terrified as I look at her and think,
"What if she's grown bitter?"
"What if she won't listen?"
or worse "What if she listens and rejects?"
Toni peacefully asks if I trust Jesus.
If I'm honest with myself, no. I don't trust Jesus. My whole life I've put on the goat fur and pretended to be Esau in order to get what I desire. Because of the self hate that I have been freed from I use to think if anyone saw just who I truly am they wouldn't be with me. So I become Zack Morris. I put on the mask and begin working the levers, the smoke and mirrors. But I'm tired of always looking over my shoulder. I'm tired of pretending. and so we pray.
We pray that I would trust Jesus and it's suspiciously difficult for me to say it.
We press in.
Something spiritual is going on.
I trust you Jesus
I trust you Jesus
its difficult but it's good.
I trust you Jesus
I trust you Jesus
I am overwhelmed by the situation. I love Bea, but how I treated her gives her every right to let bitterness grow in her heart and trust to die. So I have lost control. I can't work the situation anymore. I can't manipulate, trick, smooth talk. I am at the end of myself.
If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.
-Matthew 16
And so I die.
I give up my life.
I trust you Jesus
I trust you Jesus
I open my hands so that you will fill them again.
Toni and I had been talking for hours and it was getting late. She told me she was doing a teaching at the church tomorrow.
"If you want to have any shot at getting back with Bea, it's going to need to be 100% God and You are going to have to speak from your heart. You withheld your heart from her while you dated that is the thing that she needs to see. I want you to fast, worship, and pray all morning tomorrow listen for God. I'm done with my talk at 2:30 come by the church and we'll see what God said."
"Jesus please soften her heart" I pray over and over as I am in my bed.
"Jesus soften her heart"
"I trust you Jesus"
I woke up Saturday and worshiped and prayed for 6 hours.
I trust you Jesus
Soften her heart
I trust you Jesus
Three days later, when David and his men arrived home at their town of Ziklag, they found that the Amalekites had made a raid into the Negev and Ziklag; they had crushed Ziklag and burned it to the ground. They had carried off the women and children and everyone else but without killing anyone. When David and his men saw the ruins and realized what had happened to their families, they wept until they could weep no more. David’s two wives, Ahinoam from Jezreel and Abigail, the widow of Nabal from Carmel, were among those captured. David was now in great danger because all his men were very bitter about losing their sons and daughters, and they began to talk of stoning him. But David found strength in the Lord his God. Then he said to Abiathar the priest, “Bring me the ephod!” So Abiathar brought it. and David inquired of the Lord, “Shall I pursue this raiding party? Will I overtake them?”
“Pursue them,” The Lord answered. “You will certainly overtake them and succeed in the rescue.”
-1 Samuel 30
6 hours I wept until I could weep no more.
But I found strength in the Lord.
and so I prayed to my God, my king
"Jesus shall I pursue Bea? Will she even listen?"
The Lord answered "Pursue her"
I asked Ellen to pray with me before I left the house.
I got in my car and drove to talk with Toni.
I showed her my journal of what I had gotten while I fasted, worshiped, and prayed. She asked me what I would say to Bea and so I poured it out to her crying in the cafe of the church.
She left and I sat there at the table as I texted Bea.
"Would you be willing to talk with me?" Soften her heart Jesus, soften her heart, I pray with my hand over the phone. I trust you Jesus
I waited a bit but decided it would be safer if I took the news at home. As I was driving my phone vibrated. I pulled off the nearest exit and parked in an abandoned lot.
"Why do you want to talk?"
"I have things I want to express"
"I don't want to have any sort of relationship at this point." I trust you Jesus I trust you Jesus
"Bea will you at least let me express how I feel? I need you to hear."
"I don't think anything you say will change that. I'm not mad or anything. I just want to move on." I trust you Jesus, I trust you Jesus, soften her heart PLEASE
"I understand. Please open your heart. You have every reason to say no. But I have things in my heart that I must express towards you."
"I do not want to talk." My heart feels like a piece of paper in a dogs mouth. I trust you Jesus, PLEASE soften her heart, I trust you Jesus.
"We don't have to talk today or tomorrow will you at least pray about it and talk to Toni and your friends?"
"I don't want to talk. I've been praying about it and I think it's good that we're not talking." I trust you Jesus, soften her heart.
"I think it has been good for us to not talk but maybe things have changed."
"It still is good. I don't want to talk to you." SOFTEN HER HEART JESUS SOFTEN HER HEART please Jesus I trust you.
"Will you let me know if your heart changes? And will you please keep praying and talking about it?"
"Yes I'll let you know."
"Thank you Bea."
Sometimes the loved one drops the gun, puts down the walls.
Sometimes not.
I scoop up what's left of my heart and drive it back to my place. Ellen is in the kitchen preparing for a dinner party and Travis is sick upstairs. I am in my room collecting myself.
I will not feel self hate for the way I treated her. I will not allow anger.
What happened God? Did I hear you wrong? Is she hearing you wrong? How can we both pray to you and get two difference answers? Did you want me to pursue to fail? How can she be so cold. Has she forgiven me? Will she? Will her heart soften? What do I do?
hungry
exhausted
vulnerable
rejected
I pace the house between the where Ellen and Travis is. I feel like I've been punched in the gut. Anger lies in wait for me.
I want to get angry at myself.
I want to say the grapes are sour.
But I won't go back from where I came from. I will never be angry again. So with anger not as an option I am limited to grief.
What a horrible feeling.
grief.
God has been creating in me a new heart. He is making me new. He has wiped the fear and anger from my life and once the window to my heart was cleaned of the sludge all that is left is my true vulnerable love towards Bea.
And she won't talk.
I want to say I don't really love her. I want to say it is her loss. I want to say I screwed it all up.
But those are lies. That's the old man speaking.
The truth is always far more painful.
The truth is I love her very much.
I love her more than I have ever loved someone.
It may be her loss
I may have screwed it up
But those things aren't up to me.
I trust you Jesus
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
-Romans 12
So now I wait.
I'm not sure what to do.
I shall keep praying for her heart to soften. I will keep praying that she would at least hear me. That she would know how much I regret disrespecting her. That she would know the steps I've taken to guarantee that I will never treat her like that again and that I will treat her better than any other man can. I know that I can. I will love her better than any man will ever be able to.
But it isn't up to me. I have given up manipulation. I have given up control. I have given up my life. So I pray to You Jesus.
You are good.
I trust you Jesus.
Soften her heart.
I used to think God guided us by opening and closing doors, but now I
know sometimes God wants us to kick doors down.
—Bob Goff, Love Does
Love is not rude. It does not demand its own way.
-1 Corinthians 13
I know God wants us to kick doors down sometimes. But I also know love does not force itself upon anyone.
I trust you Jesus.
Soften her heart.
You are good.
Jon Foreman - My Love Goes Free