Later, Levi invited Jesus and his disciples to his home as dinner guests, along with many tax collectors and other disreputable sinners. (There were many people of this kind among Jesus’ followers.) But when the teachers of religious law who were Pharisees saw him eating with tax collectors and other sinners, they asked his disciples, “Why does he eat with such scum?” When Jesus heard this, he told them, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.”
-Mark 2
Saturday evening as I shuffled into my house after the text conversation with Bea I felt homesick. It's a strange feeling. You feel lonely no matter what. You feel restless, helpless, this pain hurts on the inside.
Ellen told me she was having a dinner party and that 3 friends were coming over. I knew of them but I wasn't exactly thrilled they were coming. I felt so alone that I sheepishly asked Ellen if I could eat with them. She said of course I could.
I helped her set the table and she learned that a 4th person would be joining us. 6 places at the table. Pain in my stomach as my mind turns over and over this situation I am in. How could God tell her to not contact me and tell me to contact her? Who really heard God? Did we both? Why wouldn't she at least let me express my heart then reject me? At least I could get these feelings out of my heart.
napkin
fork
plate
napkin
fork
plate
The clock is moving so slowly I just want it to be late enough for me to go to sleep without feeling it's depressingly early on a Saturday night.
napkin
fork
plate
Where are these people? I just need the sound of voices and the sight of humans now
napkin
fork
plate
I wish Bea was eating with us
napkin
fork
plate
how could her heart close so tight? How can she be so confident?
napkin
fork
plate
Finally the front door opens.
It's Sandy her fiancée Bridget and their roommate Arthur.
Thank you Jesus as conversation fills the kitchen and my mind is occupied. Seth walks through the door shortly after with salad dressing and salad.
we file in with our plates. Ellen has prepared a vegetarian meal. We sit down, pray, and eat. My heart rests as my mind is taking a break from this emotional day. As we are eating and talking I start to think.
Sandy and Bridget are lesbians.
Arthur is their gay roommate.
Seth is a gay pastor.
In fact the reason Ellen decided to throw this dinner party was because our gay friend Mark had given her a lot of acorn squash and she felt the need to use it all up. This whole meal, as I sat thinking, is centered on homosexuality.
and I don't care.
In fact the opposite is happening. I need this right now. I need this community. I need this meal with people. This moment is healing. This moment is lovely.
After dinner we have dessert and we can't stop laughing from the conversations and the stories.
This doesn't feel like an abomination. This feels like the Kingdom of God. This feels good. This is what I need right now. We start to play the board game clue. Our glasses are filled with wine and we are having a great time.
8pm
9pm
10pm
11pm
Suddenly worrying about going to sleep while the sun is still up isn't an issue. I don't want them to leave. My soul finds rest. This is the kingdom of God. Jesus is at this table with us. And He is healing me. He is using this situation, this "abomination" to show me His love in this moment when I feel very very alone.
I don't know how I feel about homosexuality. But I do know that all humans have a weight of glory. Jesus would eat with them and show them a love that would piss of some church people. I know Jesus was with us during that meal. And I thank God for the friends, food, and fun that we shared.
Everyone leaves and Ellen clears the table. Its me, a glass of wine, and Ellen. It's silent again. I breath in deep.
"you know, I really love her"
"I know you do Adam"
"It sucks that I can't express all the things I want"
"In a weird way, at least she texted you back"
"I know...I just wish she knew how much I love her"
"..."
"I know I can love her better than any man. I know I can. She's my best friend, it's so natural."
Ellen turns to go up the stairs.
"Good night Adam"
and I am left with a glass of wine in my hand in a big empty house at a big empty table. with a big empty feeling in my gut.
...I trust you Jesus...
...Please soften her heart...
The Avett Brothers - I Would Be Sad
I meant what I said when I said I would settle down with you
I meant what I said when I said I would rearrange my plans and change for you
And he said if she doesn't call than it's her fault and it's her loss
I say it's not that simple see but then again it just may be
-Mark 2
Saturday evening as I shuffled into my house after the text conversation with Bea I felt homesick. It's a strange feeling. You feel lonely no matter what. You feel restless, helpless, this pain hurts on the inside.
Ellen told me she was having a dinner party and that 3 friends were coming over. I knew of them but I wasn't exactly thrilled they were coming. I felt so alone that I sheepishly asked Ellen if I could eat with them. She said of course I could.
I helped her set the table and she learned that a 4th person would be joining us. 6 places at the table. Pain in my stomach as my mind turns over and over this situation I am in. How could God tell her to not contact me and tell me to contact her? Who really heard God? Did we both? Why wouldn't she at least let me express my heart then reject me? At least I could get these feelings out of my heart.
napkin
fork
plate
napkin
fork
plate
The clock is moving so slowly I just want it to be late enough for me to go to sleep without feeling it's depressingly early on a Saturday night.
napkin
fork
plate
Where are these people? I just need the sound of voices and the sight of humans now
napkin
fork
plate
I wish Bea was eating with us
napkin
fork
plate
how could her heart close so tight? How can she be so confident?
napkin
fork
plate
Finally the front door opens.
It's Sandy her fiancée Bridget and their roommate Arthur.
Thank you Jesus as conversation fills the kitchen and my mind is occupied. Seth walks through the door shortly after with salad dressing and salad.
we file in with our plates. Ellen has prepared a vegetarian meal. We sit down, pray, and eat. My heart rests as my mind is taking a break from this emotional day. As we are eating and talking I start to think.
Sandy and Bridget are lesbians.
Arthur is their gay roommate.
Seth is a gay pastor.
In fact the reason Ellen decided to throw this dinner party was because our gay friend Mark had given her a lot of acorn squash and she felt the need to use it all up. This whole meal, as I sat thinking, is centered on homosexuality.
and I don't care.
In fact the opposite is happening. I need this right now. I need this community. I need this meal with people. This moment is healing. This moment is lovely.
After dinner we have dessert and we can't stop laughing from the conversations and the stories.
This doesn't feel like an abomination. This feels like the Kingdom of God. This feels good. This is what I need right now. We start to play the board game clue. Our glasses are filled with wine and we are having a great time.
8pm
9pm
10pm
11pm
Suddenly worrying about going to sleep while the sun is still up isn't an issue. I don't want them to leave. My soul finds rest. This is the kingdom of God. Jesus is at this table with us. And He is healing me. He is using this situation, this "abomination" to show me His love in this moment when I feel very very alone.
I don't know how I feel about homosexuality. But I do know that all humans have a weight of glory. Jesus would eat with them and show them a love that would piss of some church people. I know Jesus was with us during that meal. And I thank God for the friends, food, and fun that we shared.
Everyone leaves and Ellen clears the table. Its me, a glass of wine, and Ellen. It's silent again. I breath in deep.
"you know, I really love her"
"I know you do Adam"
"It sucks that I can't express all the things I want"
"In a weird way, at least she texted you back"
"I know...I just wish she knew how much I love her"
"..."
"I know I can love her better than any man. I know I can. She's my best friend, it's so natural."
Ellen turns to go up the stairs.
"Good night Adam"
and I am left with a glass of wine in my hand in a big empty house at a big empty table. with a big empty feeling in my gut.
...I trust you Jesus...
...Please soften her heart...
The Avett Brothers - I Would Be Sad
I meant what I said when I said I would settle down with you
I meant what I said when I said I would rearrange my plans and change for you
And he said if she doesn't call than it's her fault and it's her loss
I say it's not that simple see but then again it just may be