11/27/13

I'm not sure what to say or what exactly I think. I haven't written on here for a bit because I'm really confused.

Monday night Bea showed up to the pantry.
It's what I'd been praying for. It's what I'd hoped.
We talked.
My heart was going insane.
I told her what I've been keeping in for nearly two months.
We held each other.
She agreed to meet with Toni with me.

But this sort of thing doesn't happen...
This isn't how life goes.
She wasn't suppose to listen to me.
She wasn't suppose to even be at the pantry.
But she did listen, she was there...

I don't understand.

I know this doesn't mean anything.
I know this isn't a guarantee. I know there can be no guarantees in this life.
I know she may back out of meeting with Toni.
I know she may not share my feelings.

But in the midst of all of this I can feel only peace.
And that is confusing as well.
Why aren't I anxious?
Why aren't I afraid?

I have been praying and praying that You, God, would give me the chance to pour my heart to Bea and You answered that prayer.
Not just answered but You answered like I was hoping...
Probably more than I was hoping.
I don't understand.

What's happening right now?
Why is whatever is happening right now happening?

I don't know
I'm confused

It's as if I'm unsure of how to live peacefully.
It's as if my thoughts are controlling my feelings.

Like when an apathetic husband brings flowers home and the wife responds with a suspicious "What are these for?" rather than accepting the gift for what it is past experiences have shaped this moment into not one to simply be in and enjoy but rather to be weary of because it must be some sort of trick or scheme.

I've prayed for more trust in You and You met me there.
But this wasn't some test:
“If you are the Son of God, jump off! For the Scriptures say, ‘He will order his angels to protect you. And they will hold you up with their hands so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.’"
-Matthew 4
It wasn't a prayer of "if you love me then..." "If you are real then..." It was more of a prayer as George MacDonald has put it:
"He is not afraid of your presumptuous approach to him. It is you who are afraid to come near him. He is not watching over his dignity. It is you who fear to be sent away as the disciples would have sent away the little children. It is you who think so much about your souls and are so afraid of losing your life, that you dare not draw near to the Life of life, lest it should consume you. Our God, we will trust thee. Shall we not find thee equal to our faith? One day, we shall laugh ourselves to scorn that we looked for so little from thee; for thy giving will not be limited by our hoping. ...Shall God's thoughts be surpassed by man's thoughts? God's giving by man's asking? God's creation by man's imagination? No. Let us climb to the height of our Alpine desires; let us leave them behind us and ascend the spear-pointed Himmalays of our aspirations; still shall we find the depth of God's sapphire above us; still shall we find the heavens higher than the earth, and his thoughts and his ways higher than our thoughts and our ways."

It was in this understanding or rather, I should say this faith in Your goodness from which a prayed.
Not in a challenge or a calling out, a testing or a doubting scoff.
But rather it was a climbing to the height of my desires, my aspirations.
It was from a faith, a hope that You are exactly who You are. Nothing less, and so much more.

for thy giving will not be limited by our hoping.

I don't know what's next.
I have no control over Bea.
But I do have control over myself.
And my trust and faith in You, Oh my God, has increased.

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
-Mark 9

I trust you Jesus
soften her heart
heal Bea
heal me.

The Steel Wheels - Alaska

11/23/13

To "Let Go" Takes Love

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means that I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it is the realization that I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to effect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and to live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less and to love more.

-Evelyn Christiansen

Bon Iver - Skinny Love

11/21/13

Oh Lord, I recognize Your greatness and power and that, though it is not within my control to fix or help Bea, it is within Your hand. I let go of Bea and place her in Your hand. I release her to You: Not my will but Yours be done. I refuse to fret and worry about Bea or this situation. I trust You to take care of Bea better even than I could imagine. Thank You for Your grace. Amen.

Ron Pope - Fireflies

11/20/13

cold is the night without you here
just your absence ringing in my ears
hard is the heart that feels no fear
without the bad, the good disappears

long is the road that leads me home
and longer still when I walk alone
bitter is the thought of all that time
spent searching for something I'll never find

take this burden away from me
and bury it before it buries me

many are the days I've wanted to cease
lay myself down and find some relief
heavy is the head that gets no sleep
we carry our lives around in our memories

take away this apathy
and bury it before it buries me

steady is the hand that's come to terms
with the lessons it has had to learn
I've seen the things that I must do
but Lord, this road is meant for two
so I am waiting here for you

take my hand and set me free
take my burdens and bury them deep
take my burden away from me
and bury it before
bury it before
bury it before it buries me

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
-Galatians 5:1

Freedom.
God is all, always, about freedom.

The animal realm is bound by it's instincts.
The angelic realm is bound by it's duty.
But man.
Man made in the image of God.
Man is bound by nothing.
Man is free.
Free to choose.
Free to love.

I wonder if only God and man can experience love.
Are we the only beings who have the image of freedom that enables love to grow?

Love does not demand its own way.
-1 Corinthians 13

I hate all your show and pretense the hypocrisy of your religious festivals and solemn assemblies. I will not accept your burnt offerings and grain offerings. I won’t even notice all your choice peace offerings. Away with your noisy hymns of praise! I will not listen to the music of your harps. Instead, I want to see a mighty flood of justice, an endless river of righteous living.
-Amos 5

Love cannot be faked.
Love cannot be bought.
Love cannot be willed.
Love cannot be earned.

Love is true freedom.

I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices. I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings. But like Adam, you broke my covenant and betrayed my trust.
-Hosea 6

Love is a choosing. Over and against other things.

It will not be forced, it will not be faked, it will not be possessed. It cannot be, for love is freedom. Once love is captured, possessed, owned, it ceases to be love. It cannot be love. Love must always be a choosing but not merely of will for even performing certain rituals out of duty and will mean nothing to God. It is a choosing and yet so much more.

Freedom gives Love the ability to be both a Heaven or a Hell.

Agony Agony Agony is love. The cruelest and harshest of things Love is. Painful and unrelenting Love hurts more than anything we can fathom.

But oh what a joy love is. It is the greatest and most whimsical of things. Peaceful and beautiful Love heals more than anything we can fathom.

Freedom has the power to bring us face to face with our Love.
Freedom has the power to take us far so far from our God.

If given the opportunity who would bind the one they love (and yet the feeling is not mutual) to them? What good would such a bond be? What a selfish wish.

What if God being all powerful washed the brains of all the rebels until every knee bowed and tongue confessed? It would go against everything God is. And so in being all powerful God in so many ways is rendered powerless. For love by definition must be free.

How then can 1 Corinthians 8 read:
Love never fails?

I suppose it would come down to the very freedom that gives love its power, makes it possible to exist.
If I love someone and they want nothing to do with me then by me giving them the space they demand love is not failing but rather succeeding, existing, being expressed.

What we lose in homecoming is not the objects of our attachment, nor even our care for them. In fact, our care grows towards true love, love that sees and appreciates all things in the world for what they are. What we lose is the attachment itself, the strength of our addictive behavior in relationship to these objects, the way we make gods of them. My love will be stronger if I let it go.
-Gerald May

My love will not have conditions it will not be enslaved to the idea that I will only love if it is mutual. Or I will only love if I can be present with the person. Love is a choosing. Do I love only because in doing so I am brought pleasure, security, and company? Or do I love because I am for the person? Do I love with a love that is so freeing that it says: I want you to be free, I want you to be you, I want you to pursue what you will?

This is true love. Removing the addictive behavior, removing the attachment and experiencing freedom, unbiased, no agenda, freedom. To finally truly be able to listen to the person without the filter of my own desires, expectations, and ideas of the relationship.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
-1 Corinthians 13

Love does not demand its own way. Love cannot demand it's own way. Love is not self seeking. Love does not have selfish ambitions. Love instead makes way for the person it is expressed towards. Love creates freedom for others.

To love someone is to say I am for you.

no strings.

Love is not jealous for if the other person decides to choose another jealousy would only be an expression of slavery from the heart of the loving towards the heart of the lovely. No instead true love allows the freedom of choice every moment of every day.

This is the beautifully agonizing heart of love. Each second the person spends with me is truly wonderful. To know that I am freely selected over and against other options, other people, other places, other objects. But in order to experience this wonder the door must be able to swing both ways and in so doing every second the person spends avoiding me is agony to know that there is another that has been chosen over me.

But there is a peace in knowing that although I am not the choice of the lovely, She is freely choosing where she wants to be and in knowing that I find the avenue through which my love must now travel. It is a different path to the same destination.

It is a different language speaking the same message.

cold is the night without you here
just your absence ringing in my ears
hard is the heart that feels no fear
without the bad, the good disappears

I trust you Jesus
soften her heart
heal Bea
heal me.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
-Galatians 5:1

Cold Is The Night - The Oh Hello's

11/19/13

December 17, 2012 was the last time I was in the Pantry at 181 East 5th Ave because of the renovations.

November 18, 2013 I finally stepped back into the place. It looked incredible.

11 months.

A lot has happened in those 11 months in my life.

God has made everything beautiful for its own time.
-Ecclesiastes 3

The sun was beginning to set as I pulled into the alley. I parked around back. As I pulled into the spot I thought about the night Bea and I sat and talked in my car. The night I accidentally stepped in homeless person shit and my car reeked. I smiled as I thought about how mad and grossed out I was. It killed the evening for me. I walked along the side of the building where Bea would park on Saturday mornings. As I rounded the corner I was met with familiar faces.

I've missed this place.

I walk up to the new two sets of double glass doors. I can see Kelly setting up the sound system. John is outside with me.
"Have you lost weight?" John says as we shake hands. Reluctantly I reply
"eh maybe a little."
"Your face looks thinner." John doesn't know this but he's the third person to tell me this now. I can't look that skinny! Sure I've lost weight but I'm going through a rough season plus I had bronchitis.

 Ed comes to the door and opens it for us. He's wearing his black cowboy hat with his phone to his ear he paces back and forth.

I step into the building and am completely blown away. The walls are filled with color, purple, red, orange. The ceiling is so much higher. I walk back to the kitchen and give Linda a giant hug. Sweet T is in the kitchen getting things ready. She gasps as I hug her really tight.

It's been 3 weeks since I've seen the whole team and its been 11 months since we've been in this place.

...and something is missing.
someone.

Terry walks me to the other hall way and we check out the bathrooms. He and I can't get over how beautiful this place is. It looks incredible.

So bright, so colorful, so high.

The doors open after the meeting and prayer.

I'm hugging everyone. Cindi walks in with Josh, she's fresh out of rehab. That couple I had mentioned earlier were there. This time the woman had a wedding ring on. I congratulated the man and hugged him. Mark comes limping still in a boot. Fred and Rebel. James comes in and I slap him on the back. Dave Heinmiller walks in with Martin and Jack. Evan and his men's group follow with the food. Everyone is here.
...and something is missing.
someone.

I sit with my back against the purple wall with a cup of coffee in my left hand. I yell "James I got a seat right here for you!" He comes and sits across from me. We talk until worship starts. I have the best seat in the house. I can see the whole building. Dave and the band start to worship and I lean my head against the wall and take it in.

On my left, Linda swaying in front of the coffee machine, hands together eyes closed Chloe beside her. Ed to my right by the lap top controlling the projector's song lyrics. And then I just look straight ahead.

The kingdom of God.
The homeless population of East 5th Ave Columbus Ohio.
They are beautiful.
Some of them talking, some worshiping, some eating, some sleeping, some getting comfy, some uneasy, some new, some regulars, all of them lovely, all of them beautiful.

In this moment, in this building, as I take in deep breath after deep breath I realize how much I need this pantry. How much I need this people.

I am not unemployed, I am not without a home, I am not hungry, I am not poor, I am not broke, I am not an alcoholic, I am not addicted to chemicals, and yet I need this place.

As I sit there in worship, my head back, my eyes closed, I realize I need this place more than the people I serve. This place is the best part of my week. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I feel so at peace, so welcomed, so loved.
...and something is missing.
someone.

It's funny to think about how very different I am from the homeless community and yet in so many ways how exactly the same I am.

This is a people who can survive.
This is a people who could manage without Fruit of the Vine.
This is a people who could do without a relationship with me.

But as I think about these past two weeks with the pantry shut down I think about how badly I missed this place. How badly I missed these people.

I think about the people waiting in line to eat food as the volunteers. They are the ones who give of their time and their life. They give everything. They wear it all on their sleeves. They come in drunk, They come in angry, they come in bitter, they come in depressed, they come in beaten, they come in pregnant, they come in tired, they come in scared, they come as they are. They come in real.

I think about the people scooping the food from behind the table as those being served. We are the ones who learn, we are the ones who see God in them, we are the ones who see the kingdom, we are the ones who see the beauty, we are the ones who are humbled, we are the ones who wear masks, we are the ones who pretend, we are the ones who come clean on the outside.

And here I sit, eyes closed, head back, in this moment. I am alive. I am present. We are with God and God is with us. I feel the warmth of the Styrofoam cup in my hand. I hear the worship of the meek. I sit in this beautiful new building that seems to be shouting praise to God. This building in all of it's bright lights, new colors and polished floor seems to be God's way of telling this people group, this community, I see you, you  matter, you are worth this and so much more. The building speaks that it doesn't matter if you get cleaned up, it doesn't matter if you are drunk, God wants you here. Nothing you do could make God want us more or less in this place.

God is so good.

...and something is missing.
someone.

My eyes keep moving towards the brand new squeaky clean double doors. Where is she? How could she miss this? oh How I miss her. I start to imagine what it would be like if she walked in. Her smile so big and so bright that she would look as if she's about to pop. She would run around and hug the team so tight. She'd probably jump and click her heels like she does. She would spread her arms wide with that giant bible falling apart in one hand and those raggedy tattered keys in the other. She'd come over to me and ask that I put her phone and keys in my pocket. She would stare in my eyes and shout "Adam look at this place! How beautiful!" Afterwards we'd stay up in her car parked in the lot under the flickering street light. She'd open her trunk and pull out mounds of blankets and wrap herself up as we talk and talk I would make her laugh so hard her eyes would close and her head would tilt slightly up as she gasped for breath and she would say the most profoundly beautiful things about God, love, and the homeless that it would make me sign and think. I would turn to her and say "You are very wise Bea." As we continue to talk. "Can you just come here! Adam please!" she would interject periodically and I would draw closer to the pile of colorful fabrics that her face is poking out of.

"GO ED"
James bellows and I am pulled back into reality.
...reality.
The reality is that she isn't here tonight.
The reality is she isn't talking to me.
She isn't texting me.
She isn't e-mailing me.
The reality is she refuses to have any sort of relationship with me.
The reality is I miss her.
The reality is I love her.
The reality is I need this pantry and I need this people. I need this community. I need these people who know my name, who greet me with a smile, who show me an honesty I've never seen, who listen and tell it like it is.

God I love the pantry.
God I love this life. I love being at the pantry. I love Better Way on Friday nights. I miss the Wednesday night bible studies even though I have my opinions about Beth Moore. I love the team meetings where Ed speaks to harshly and Kelly controls too much. I am so blessed. And I am overwhelmed by your goodness.

Here I am. I am in your pantry and I am experiencing a worship unlike any other.

I trust you Jesus
soften her heart
heal Bea
heal me.

Bon Iver - Holocene

11/18/13

In general, we respond to our state of shame by trying to hide our fallibility, our weakness, our problems and failures. We focus on other people and their behavior, seeking to transfer the shame to them. Fearing that closeness and intimacy will leave us defenseless and vulnerable to exposure, we keep others at arm's length. By working too much, staying busy, using rage, control, or power plays and other defenses, we keep other people away. We develop perfectionistic habits of thinking and acting, seeking to prove that we are not shameful after all.
-Dr. Margaret Rinck

Failure is weakness
Weakness is shameful

Men are never to be weak.

For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.
-Ephesians 5

This scripture has had all sorts of controversy over it because of the patriarchal inferences. But I see another controversy.

To be masculine to be a man, to be a patriarch is to be strong.

physically
emotionally
mentally
spiritually

pressure.

Culture places this pressure. Be the bread winner. A man provides. A man leads.

What is a man to do when faced with failure?

If the identity of being man is in strength, power, success, what is to become of those who fail?

shame.

Shame consumes the heart of the man who fails.

What is the man to do with all of this shame?

To express it is to own the failure and thus create more shame.
To hide it is to allow it to vent out in other areas.
Man can't let the world see his failure, can't let the world see his shame.

Man then fears closeness and intimacy. Man must hide behind a fig leaf of strength. If he shows his hand, if he shows his true self it will leave him defenseless and vulnerable to exposure. The world will know he is a fraud. The world will know he fails. The world will know he is weak. Man must keep others at arm's length.

Man can keep this distance, this paper wall by working too much, staying busy, using rage, control, or power plays and other defenses. This will ensure that no one sees the man for what he truly is, human.

Man develops perfectionistic habits of thinking and acting, seeking to prove that he is not what he really is after all.

shameful.

What would she think if she saw the real me?

The real man?

The real Adam?

She would see weakness and failure. No woman wants that man. A woman needs a leader. A woman needs a head of the house to submit to in everything.

Pressure.

distance between perception and reality.
between strength and weakness.

But what is the truer strength?

hiding behind walls of rage and habits of perfection?
or standing in truth, in failure, in weakness, in reality?

What is power?
Pride or humility?

What does the head of the church, Jesus Christ, look like?
pride or humble?
master or servant?

What is the head of the household supposed to look like?

Is man to be pride, rage, deeds, defensive?
Or is man to be humble, merciful, graceful, vulnerable?

Which is the true expression of power?

To stand naked
Or behind fig leaves?

Shame is a prison. Shame is slavery.

I am a man. I fail. I get angry. I get greedy. I get jealous. I get lustful. I get hurt. I get scared. I get lazy. I get stubborn. I get selfish. I get doubtful. I cry. I get frustrated. I am weak. But I am real.
I am human.
I am man.
I am Adam.

I choose freedom, not slavery, not shame.
I choose love.
I choose Jesus.

I trust you Jesus
soften her heart
heal Bea
heal me.

Rather Lovely Thing - Nick Cave & Warren Ellis

11/17/13

I push the door open as far as it will allow. The rug on the floor prevents the door from opening all the way. I slide myself past and make my way to the Keurig. Sliding the metal tray below today, this morning, I select earl grey. As I grab one of the familiar tiny clear glass mugs in to position and push the button I sit in the chair closest to the machine.
"Please trust God never stop dreaming of love"
reads the wood blocks with words on all 6 sides. I have no idea who arranged them but it always seems to be different when I come in. This week it is especially beautiful. The tea has finished brewing and I'm watching the steam float up towards the spout of the Keurig. There a tiny drop remains as it slowly grows more and more until finally it joins it's brothers and sisters in the glass mug. I hear the door open down the narrow window hall.
"How are you dude?"
The familiar greeting. I like that she has called me dude from day one. I must give off an energy to her that says "dude."
I grab the tea and head down the hall. The window room is taken so I don't get the view but Toni's office is cozy nonetheless.
"I think I'm going to be a floor person from now on" I say leaning against the loveseat, as I set my notes to my left and the tea to my right.
"Why is that? did I ever tell you about my house growing up?"
"Yeah"
"So you're just being polite?"
"eh I think it's inadvertently polite. I just feel like a floor guy."
"inadvertent polite is a good thing."
She asks me about what happened last week. What happened with the text. Instantly the feelings come back and I find my self struggling to speak. My chest is taking quick shallow heaves as I feel the tears press behind my eyes.
"It isn't suppose to be this way. It's not suppose to end like this."
the steam from the tea is drifting up towards my cheeks where it is met by my tears. As if my tears are drops of tea hanging from a Keurig.
"I'm trying my best to not contact her. I'm trying my best to not go over to her house and wipe the snow from her car before she wakes up in the morning. Or leave her notes, or flowers, or text her. I'm doing a good job but it's killing me to wait. You know it's funny. If I do that stuff and she likes me, its romantic. If I do that stuff and she doesn't want me around, it's psychotic and obsessive."
"hmmm that's a very interesting observation. So what do you do?" She asks as she passes the box of tissue to the floor beside me. Sniffling up and catching my breath.
"What can I do? can I read you something?" As I reach for the addiction and grace book I read from it about attachment, addiction, and love.
"If she doesn't want me around what can I do? I just wish I could express myself. I wish I could at least get my feelings for her off my chest. We ended on such a bad note I hope that isn't what she thinks of when she thinks of us."
"Adam, you have 2 years of being great to her and what a couple months of being bad?"
"I was a stone to her."
"true, you were terrible, you really screwed up but, tell me some of the good stuff you did."
I sit as my chest begins to heave again as my mind thinks of all the great things we did.
"She wanted to run in the Boston marathon and I can't run but I wanted to support her and help her. So one night I told her I would ride a bike beside her while she ran. Haha you already know how well I do on a bike. But I wanted to be with her and I wanted to support her. So we started out and it was alright then I hit a curb crashed and I started to rage. Man I got ugly..."
"Adam, there is that self hate."
"haha sorry, sorry, I know."
"But you did something you NEVER do because you wanted to support her?"
"yeah"
"What else tell me another."
"One night this church was doing a night with the homeless where people could bring tents and sleep outside with the homeless. It was great because we both love the homeless and she got a chance to use her tents and sleeping bags. She loved it. So we slept in the tent together and in the morning we ate breakfast at the church with the homeless." Again I have to control my breathing as the warm tears press against my eyes.
"Tell me another."
"One time we were hiking at High Banks and she wanted to run. She loves to run and I'm not good at it but she really wanted to so I tried. I only made it about 2 minutes we had to stop. I could tell she was kinda sad and I always wanted to run with her again. But I don't think she ever asked after that because she thought I hated it so much."
"So what do you think all this means?"
"haha I don't know..."
"You're a sin eater."
"..."
"You take everybody's sins and put them on yourself. You only blame yourself when stuff doesn't go right."
"Well I did treat her like a jerk."
"Yes you certainly did. But you also did a lot of things that you didn't necessarily like but you knew she liked them. You did it because you care about her and about making her happy."
"...I guess"
"Can I tell you something you might not want to hear."
"..."
"its a critique about you."
"haha oh yeah sure I'm a sin eater right? I can handle stuff that's wrong with me."
"haha, right. You have a very Madonna view of women and a very perverted view of yourself."
At first I think to myself how outdated the use of Madonna is as an example of the perfect woman but I understand where she's coming from.
"You think women can do no wrong and that you screw everything up that it's all your fault and you are such a mess. You just eat everyone's sins and you don't think that some of it may be on them. Can you think of differences between you and Kelly?"
"...yeah...I think the biggest thing was she lived spontaneously and I let fear control my life."
"Stop sin eating...tell me a difference."
"Well it's true. She never understood that. She would always say how different we are and I would try to tell her that I like that we are different and I like doing the things that she wants to do. When I would really push through the fear. On my best days that's when it was the best."
"So if one person is constantly focused on the differences and the other person is constantly focused on working and improving the relationship, what do you think is going to happen?" The steam from my tea has settled at this point and I feel another wave of salty tears press against my eyes. I blink and down they roll through the same river path the last set paved. "...Adam?"
"The person who sees the differences isn't going to want to work" I'm barely able to find the words before I stare blankly at the bottom of the door tracing the wood patterns. They look like sharp mountains poking up from the bottom of the door.
"What can you do if one person doesn't want to work?"
"...nothing"
"So do you think it was all your fault? Do you think maybe some of it had to do with her?"
"But you don't understand she use to want to work on it. She begged me to come to counseling. She wasn't going to quit. It's only been a month and a half. How can someone go from wanting to do whatever it takes to stay together to never wanted any degree of relationship? what happened?" At this point I'm in full throttle I've lost the battle between both breath and tears. Toni moves from the couch to the floor with me.
"Adam, you had two great years with her. You showed her how much she means to you. Yes you had a bad month or so at the end but you also have months of doing things for her because you want her to be happy. She has things she needs to work on. You view her as this Madonna but she isn't perfect. Adam I can see you love her very much. I think you would take a bullet for that girl. Am I right?"
"Yeah"
"But it isn't all up to you. Didn't you say full love means we must turn toward over and against other things. If our choice is to be made with integrity, we must first have felt other attractions and chosen, painfully, not to make them. True love, then, is not only born of freedom; it is also born of difficult choice. In that book? You have to let her choose. Can I tell you something?"
"sure"
"Have you ever seen the wizard of Oz?"
"yeah?"
"Once someone gave me this word, they said to me: 'You are like the tin man in that you think you have no heart, you think you are this perverted person. But in reality, you have the biggest heart of all.' I believe that word fits you also." A calmness washed over me and I was able to breath deep for the first time in a bit. She looked over at the clock. We'd been there far longer than we were suppose to. But I don't think there has ever been a time where we didn't go over by at least an hour. I turned to her and said;
"Can I ask you a question Toni?"
"shoot"
"How's come you don't...why aren't you..."
"married? He died..." She caught herself mid sentence. Suddenly her eyes filled with tears and regret for asking filled me. "I sprung a leak, sorry we were just speaking very tenderly and I wasn't ready for that."
"you never have to apologize for crying that'd be like me pointing out a speck in your eye with this log in mine." Suddenly in a moment here we are. Toni and I sitting on the floor of her office both crying. It was a powerful moment. We sat in silence. I felt a sort of peace. Toni was right. Yes I was a jerk at the end. But if it wasn't for that coming out I wouldn't have been able to address it and experience this new freedom from anger I have. And yes Bea and I had months, years of me being there for her. My door was always unlocked for her. She could always come to me. I have countless memories of conversations and dates that we had that made her laugh uncontrollably. Talks where she showed me her heart. Nights where we'd just hold each other. I've done what I could. Bea always asked me if I liked her. Maybe it wasn't my lack of showing her. I think I did a good job at that. Maybe there is something in her that made her never able to trust me. Maybe no matter how perfect I could have been, if she didn't trust and if all she saw was differences it was going to fail.

Toni asked me to pray for us to end this session since she started to cry after thinking of her love. I prayed and we hugged.

I am not perfect.
But neither is Kelly.
It isn't about differences or doing everything right. It's about grace and commitment.

Jesus I pray that you would soften Bea's heart. But I also pray that you would continue to work in her. To help her see who you created her to be. I pray that you would help her to trust. I trust you Jesus. I love that woman a shit load! I have no idea if we will ever get back together or not. But I can say that I loved her as best as I could when I was with her. Even though it was very imperfect, it was real, and it was me. I hope someday she sees that and would at least entertain the idea of opening the lines of communication between us. I miss listening to her talk about her heart very much so.

I am for her.
I always have been.
And I always will be.

I trust you Jesus
soften her heart
heal Bea
heal me.

Copeland - Brightest

If you find yourself here on my side of town
I'd pray that you'd come to my door
Talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about
Cause I don't remember anymore
I just know that she warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are
And she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar

11/16/13

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
-Hebrews 4

What about failure?
What about regret?
What about loss?

We do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weakness, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-yet he did not sin.

What about when I sin...

Jesus, my example of how to live and love never failed. God has never failed. Never sinned. To whom do I look to when I fail? Who do I turn to, who can empathize with me? My high priest, in his perfection?

I don't have an example where Jesus said something He shouldn't have or hurt someone He loved. I don't have an example where Jesus was faced with failure and needed to reconcile a relationship. All the parables and stories are about humans coming to the Father and the Father welcoming with love. But what about my situation?

So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.
-Matthew 5

What if the person I have hurt refuses to talk? How can there be reconciliation? What do I do with my sacrifice at the altar?

If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive. Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive. The apostles said to the Lord, “Show us how to increase our faith.” The Lord answered, “If you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘May you be uprooted and thrown into the sea,’ and it would obey you!
-Luke 17

What if I have been rebuked and there is repentance and I will never treat her that way again but there is still no communication? Show me how to increase my faith.


My last post talked about love towards God but what would it look like applied to ἔρως?

In addition, full love means we must turn toward over and against other things. If our choice is to be made with integrity, we must first have felt other attractions and chosen, painfully, not to make them. True love, then, is not only born of freedom; it is also born of difficult choice. A mature and meaningful love must say something like, "I have experienced other goodnesses, and they are beautiful, but it is you, my true heart's desire, whom I choose above all." We have to turn away before we can come back with dignity.

I have seen the ways I hurt her. I have worked with Toni to fix them. I have been healed of wounds I'd never knew where there. I reached out to her. I've prayed. I've prayed. I've prayed. But True love isn't just born of freedom; it is also born of difficult choice. One sided love is a very depressing unhealthy thing. If I go on loving her but she refuses to talk what a painful and agonizing prison I put myself in. Love takes two. Yes I hurt her and she has every right to never speak to me again. But if love is to work. If this is to be love, to be reconciled. Then difficult choice, risk, trust, pain, and forgiveness must come from her end as well. There must be a choosing towards and a choosing against other things.

If I hurt her too badly for her to choose me above others then what can I do? I am a new creation. I am no longer that caterpillar but You have made me into the butterfly You always saw in me. Never again will I treat anyone the way I use to. Now I am at the end of myself. It is a painfully humbling place to be. At the mercy of a loved one. Standing again by the road. But the difference between the Father in the parable and me is that I am the very reason she left. When the prodigal son thought of coming home he didn't think of the pain his Father caused him. The laziness, the fear, the anger. It is a very different roadside waiting that I do than that of the Father.

Jesus I trust You.
Soften her heart.
Take my brokenness aside and make it beautiful.

All Sons & Daughters - Brokenness Aside

I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

11/14/13

What would happen to our freedom if God, our perfect lover, were to appear before us with such objective clarity that all our doubts disappeared? We would experience a kind of love, to be sure, but it would be love like a reflex. Almost without thought, we would fix all our desires upon this Divine Object, try to grasp and possess it, addict ourselves to it. I think God refuses to be an object for attachment because God desires full love, not addiction. Love born of true freedom, love free from attachment, requires that we search for deepening awareness of God, just as God freely reaches out to us.
In addition, full love for God means we must turn to God over and against other things. If our choice of God is to be made with integrity, we must first have felt other attractions and chosen, painfully, not to make them our gods. True love, then, is not only born of freedom; it is also born of difficult choice. A mature and meaningful love must say something like, "I have experienced other goodnesses, and they are beautiful, but it is You, my true heart's desire, whom I choose above all." We have to turn away before we can come home with dignity.
...We may begin to reclaim our primary desire for God. Like the prodigal, we may choose to come home. But at this point, after years of displacing desire and of adapting to addictions elsewhere, home will not seem normal. Thus we respond to God's homeward call with a mixture of hope and fear. Something in us knows that this home is where we belong, but in many ways it also feels like alien territory. The journey homeward, the process of homemaking in God involves withdrawal from addictive behaviors that have become normal for us. In withdrawal, attachments are lessened, and their energy is freed for simpler, purer desire and care. In other words, human desire is freed for love. Constance FitzGerald puts it this way: "In the process of affective redemption, desire is not suppressed or destroyed, but gradually transferred, purified, transformed, set on fire. We go through the struggles and ambiguities of human desire to integration and personal wholeness."
...What we lose in homecoming is not the objects of our attachment, nor even our care for them. In fact, our care grows towards true love, love that sees and appreciates all things in the world for what they are. What we lose is the attachment itself, the strength of our addictive behavior in relationship to these objects, the way we make gods of them. But we feel no real consolation when we experience the inevitable withdrawal symptoms that accompany letting go our attachments. There is real pain here. If I am a heroin addict in withdrawal, I will not be consoled by knowing that heroin will still exist in the world after I withdraw from it. What I want, and what I am losing, is the use of it. Similarly, if I am withdrawing from addiction to a relationship or possession, it will not ease my sense of loss to know that the person or thing will continue to be present in my life or in my heart. I will not even want to hear that my love will be stronger if I let it go. What I cling to most is my use, my idolization of that person or thing.
The loss of attachment is the loss of something very real; it is physical. We will resist this loss as long as we possibly can. When withdrawal does happen, it will hurt. And, after it is over, we will mourn. Only then, when we have completed the grieving over our lost attachment, will we breathe the fresh air of freedom with appreciation and gratitude.
...One of the most powerful and potentially frightening realizations is that there is no new normality of freedom to replace the old ones of addiction. As I have said, there can be no addiction to the true God because God refuses to be an object. God is more with us, more intimate, more steady than anything else in life. God is our ever-present Creator, Sustainer, and Redeemer. God is the one completely passionate and faithful Lover of our lives. And yet, God is never "normal."
...But addiction to a religious system, like addiction to anything else, brings slavery, not freedom. The structures of religion are meant to mediate God's self-revelation through community; they are not meant to be substitute gods. Doctrine of belief, rules of life, standards of conduct, and reliance on Scripture are all essential aspects of an authentic spiritual life. Sacraments are special means of grace; God acts through them with great power. All these things are vehicles for God's love, but addiction to them makes them obstacles to the freedom of our own hearts.
-Addiction & Grace, Chapter 5. Spirit: The Theological Nature of Addiction, Gerald May

"What we lose in homecoming is not the objects of our attachment, nor even our care for them. In fact, our care grows towards true love, love that sees and appreciates all things in the world for what they are. What we lose is the attachment itself, the strength of our addictive behavior in relationship to these objects, the way we make gods of them."

Is this true love? Is this what You ask of me oh God?
Not that I should cease loving Bea but cease my attachment to her?
Will my love be stronger if I let her go?
What shape will my love for her take?
I will not be a place for her to rest.
I will not be a place for her to laugh uncontrollably.
I will not be a place for her to weep.
I will not be a place for her to express.
What shape then will my love for her take?
How can love grow stronger through release?
How can there be reconciliation if both sides "let go?"
How can redemption take place?

What if the Father "let go" when the prodigal walked out?
Am I not to shadow that same love?
That painful, heart demolishing, vulnerable love, which stands by the road with it's gaze fixed upon the path which she might return?
Am I not, upon sight of her return, to make haste towards her placing rings upon her fingers and begging for her forgiveness for the sins I've committed against her?

Or in this sense am I not to stand by the road waiting but rather to take chase?
Am I to pursue love?

Here I sit another day passes as I seek Your will.
Another day her heart closes more fully towards me.
Another day my arms long to hold her tightly.

Wait
let go
pursue

I trust you Jesus
Soften her heart

Maybe she needs more time
Maybe we need more time
Maybe I'm delusional

I wonder does she even miss me?
Does she miss my embrace?
Does she miss our talks?
Does she miss seeing me?
Does she miss our dreams?
Does she even miss me?

God did you really tell her it's good for us to not have any sort of contact?
Did I hear You wrong Saturday?
Where are You right now?
I told Brian about this weekend and how I poured out my heart in that blue notebook. I told him how Toni made me read it to her, how she asked me to pour out the vulnerability to her only to find that Bea would want nothing to do with my heart. He said maybe that was the point. For me to get it out and to express it with pen and paper, express it with words and tears but not to Bea.
Is that why You told me to pursue and her to dismiss?
Then why do I still love her?
What is the next step?

Play Crack the Sky - Brand New

Your tongue is a rudder.
It steers the whole ship.
Sends your words past your lips
Or keeps them safe behind your teeth.
But the wrong words will strand you.
Come off course while you sleep.
Sweep your boat out to sea
Or dashed to bits on the reef.

11/13/13

What is ἔρως?

Ancient Greeks identified four forms of love: kinship or familiarity (in Greek, storge), friendship (philia), sexual and/or romantic desire (eros), and self-emptying or divine love (agape).

romantic desire?

Addiction is any compulsive, habitual behavior that limits the freedom of human desire. It is caused by the attachment, or nailing, of desire to specific objects.
-Addiction & Grace, Gerald May

Addiction is out of control desire?

I've been reading this book about addiction and it talks about the neurological nature of addiction.

Our bodies crave and go to great lengths to reach an equilibrium. A balance.

"In order to work together, nerve cells need to communicate. They send messages through connections called 'synapses'... At each synapse, communication takes place when the axon of one cell releases a chemical called a 'neurotransmitter'. This chemical passes across the tiny synaptic cleft between the cells and is received by a chemical structure called a 'neuroreceptor' on the next cell."

When something causes a disturbance in the balance of our brains our cells modify their functions. This is called feedback.

"Feedback can occur in one of three ways: cells that are overactive may be inhibited; cells that are underactive my be stimulated; and cells that are doing well may be facilitated."

"Habituation is the neurological cause of tolerance, but technically it refers only to the process by which nerve cells become less sensitive and responsive to repeating stimuli."

habituation occurs when you first walk into a room and smell the wonderful scent of the candle but after a while your nerve cells become less sensitive to the stimuli and you no longer notice it. Thus an increased amount of the scent would have to be introduced in order to break the newly balanced tolerance for the stimuli.

"When neither feedback nor habituation is effective, the repeated messages move in and disturb the natural balance of the systems. Then a new balance must be created. A new normality must be established. This is adaptation. Another word for it is attachment."

"If this imbalance lasts only a short time, the old equilibrium can be quickly restored when the situation passes. But if the change is prolonged, the rest of the system must adapt to it."

"With this new equilibrium comes a new sense of normality."

The author of the book Gerald May uses the example of moving between time zones to describe adaptation or attachment. If you are only in the time zone for a bit your body won't adapt but long enough and your sleep habits will change and balance will be restored.

So a nerve cell will release neurotransmitters (words) from the vesicle (mouth) into the synaptic cleft (phone) where the other cell's neuroreceptor (ear) joins with the neurotransmitter (words). And the message is received.

When a stimuli is introduced and it lasts longer than feedback or habituation can handle an adaptation occurs so that balance may be restored.

When I meet an attractive woman and we talk for a little while and then part ways balance is easily restored and no adaptation is needed.

But if this woman stays in my life for long enough adaptation will occur or another word for it is attachment.

So I drink coffee every morning and because of it the normal message from the vesicle to the neuroreceptor is adapted. The first cell doesn't need to send as much neurotransmitters as before because the caffeine is now expected. If I suddenly stop the expected routine of morning caffeine Then when the first cell sends out its adapted amount of neurotransmitters without the added help of the caffeine the second cell isn't receiving the amount it needs to keep the balance. Thus I feel the affects in this case it would be, tired.

Which brings us back to romantic desire.
To love.
To ἔρως.

Is ἔρως simply an addiction to an attachment in order to maintain a new equilibrium?

Is it nothing more than a stimuli that changes the neurotransmitters sent and received in our cells?

I'm trying to understand what's happened in my life.

There are two types of addictions
attraction
aversion

attraction is an addiction you want more of
aversion is an addiction you want less of

Examples:
attraction - sex
aversion - spiders

Bea loves me.
being around me for her becomes a strong desire.
It is an attraction addiction
her body attaches to the new stimuli (me) and the neurotransmitters are adjusted to account for the new equilibrium.
One day she starts to get too close to my mask so she for me becomes an aversion addiction. I don't like insecurity, vulnerability, and intimacy.
my neurotransmitters adjust and a new equilibrium is adapted.
She doesn't like the new adaptation. I become an aversion addiction for her. She doesn't like my anger, stubbornness, and distance.
her neurotransmitters adjust and a new equilibrium is adapted, (i.e. she no longer wants anything to do with me).

Is love simply an attraction addiction?
Once the balance is interrupted our cells simply change the chemical formula to account for the new attachment?

Is the pain I am feeling simply the effects of no more morning coffee? Will my neurotransmitters even out eventually and equilibrium will be restored?

Does time heal all?

What is love?

simply a desire we grow attached to?

the person's company is merely a stimuli our senses enjoy?

If not then what changed in her that made her go from saying she will stick with me no matter what to I don't want to have any sort of relationship with you?

My love for her, my desire for her, is to be there for her, the listen to her, to help her, to share with her. But if she doesn't want that then is my desire to accompany her through life really love anymore? Or is it now purely selfish. Once she told me she wants nothing to do with me wouldn't love transform from desiring her company to desiring distance in an attempt to accommodate her desire?

But that isn't the case. My heart still hurts. I still miss her very much so. I haven't heard her beautiful laugh in WEEKS. I haven't felt her hair against my cheek as we cuddle smelling her shampoo. I haven't heard her talk about what's on her heart. And it all kills me very much so.

Why doesn't my love transform as her feelings have? Why aren't my nerve cells balancing out?

What do I do next?

Do I wait?
Do I carry on?
Do I pursue?

Love can't just be a chemical addiction. She must still feel for me the way I feel for her. How can it be so lopsided? How can she be so finished? How can she stand not being held by me?

What does move on even mean? As if all along what we were doing as simply a stage, a chapter in our lives. Move on? To what? Same feelings different person? I don't want to move on if it means being away from her. If moving on means continuing to work together on learning about each other and love then yes it is what I want. If it means moving forward together. Never going back to the way I use to be. To the way I disrespected her. Yes I want to move on. But separation? Distance? This is not moving on, this is moving backwards.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she never felt for me the way I thought she did. Maybe she never knew how much I actually feel for her.

Maybe love is when equilibrium cannot ever be reached again without that person in your life. Once the adaptation or attachment is made there cannot be a going back. There cannot be a "move on"

She use to ask me if I still believe that anyone can marry anyone.
I guess time will tell for both of us.

If I Give It All - Will Reagan & United Pursuit

11/11/13

Later, Levi invited Jesus and his disciples to his home as dinner guests, along with many tax collectors and other disreputable sinners. (There were many people of this kind among Jesus’ followers.) But when the teachers of religious law who were Pharisees saw him eating with tax collectors and other sinners, they asked his disciples, “Why does he eat with such scum?” When Jesus heard this, he told them, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.”
-Mark 2

Saturday evening as I shuffled into my house after the text conversation with Bea I felt homesick. It's a strange feeling. You feel lonely no matter what. You feel restless, helpless, this pain hurts on the inside.

Ellen told me she was having a dinner party and that 3 friends were coming over. I knew of them but I wasn't exactly thrilled they were coming. I felt so alone that I sheepishly asked Ellen if I could eat with them. She said of course I could.

I helped her set the table and she learned that a 4th person would be joining us. 6 places at the table. Pain in my stomach as my mind turns over and over this situation I am in. How could God tell her to not contact me and tell me to contact her? Who really heard God? Did we both? Why wouldn't she at least let me express my heart then reject me? At least I could get these feelings out of my heart.
napkin
fork
plate
napkin
fork
plate
The clock is moving so slowly I just want it to be late enough for me to go to sleep without feeling it's depressingly early on a Saturday night.
napkin
fork
plate
Where are these people? I just need the sound of voices and the sight of humans now
napkin
fork
plate
I wish Bea was eating with us
napkin
fork
plate
how could her heart close so tight? How can she be so confident?
napkin
fork
plate
Finally the front door opens.
It's Sandy her fiancée Bridget and their roommate Arthur.
Thank you Jesus as conversation fills the kitchen and my mind is occupied. Seth walks through the door shortly after with salad dressing and salad.

we file in with our plates. Ellen has prepared a vegetarian meal. We sit down, pray, and eat. My heart rests as my mind is taking a break from this emotional day. As we are eating and talking I start to think.

Sandy and Bridget are lesbians.
Arthur is their gay roommate.
Seth is a gay pastor.

In fact the reason Ellen decided to throw this dinner party was because our gay friend Mark had given her a lot of acorn squash and she felt the need to use it all up. This whole meal, as I sat thinking, is centered on homosexuality.

and I don't care.

In fact the opposite is happening. I need this right now. I need this community. I need this meal with people. This moment is healing. This moment is lovely.

After dinner we have dessert and we can't stop laughing from the conversations and the stories.

This doesn't feel like an abomination. This feels like the Kingdom of God. This feels good. This is what I need right now. We start to play the board game clue. Our glasses are filled with wine and we are having a great time.
8pm
9pm
10pm
11pm

Suddenly worrying about going to sleep while the sun is still up isn't an issue. I don't want them to leave. My soul finds rest. This is the kingdom of God. Jesus is at this table with us. And He is healing me. He is using this situation, this "abomination" to show me His love in this moment when I feel very very alone.

I don't know how I feel about homosexuality. But I do know that all humans have a weight of glory. Jesus would eat with them and show them a love that would piss of some church people. I know Jesus was with us during that meal. And I thank God for the friends, food, and fun that we shared.

Everyone leaves and Ellen clears the table. Its me, a glass of wine, and Ellen. It's silent again. I breath in deep.

"you know, I really love her"
"I know you do Adam"
"It sucks that I can't express all the things I want"
"In a weird way, at least she texted you back"
"I know...I just wish she knew how much I love her"
"..."
"I know I can love her better than any man. I know I can. She's my best friend, it's so natural."
Ellen turns to go up the stairs.
"Good night Adam"
and I am left with a glass of wine in my hand in a big empty house at a big empty table. with a big empty feeling in my gut.

...I trust you Jesus...

...Please soften her heart...

The Avett Brothers - I Would Be Sad

I meant what I said when I said I would settle down with you
I meant what I said when I said I would rearrange my plans and change for you
And he said if she doesn't call than it's her fault and it's her loss
I say it's not that simple see but then again it just may be

11/10/13

Solomon reunites with his son Dia


Sometimes the loved one drops the gun, puts down the walls.
Sometimes not.

Friday after work I drove over to Toni's office and there I sat as I have week in and week out tears all over my face snot all over my sleeve.

"I love her" I would tell her
"You need to work on somethings before you speak with her" she would reply.

A month passed and here I am Friday night, a new man. I new creation. Toni tells me she sees massive change. I tell her I can no longer keep my silence from Bea. The love that I have within me is swelling and I feel like I am about to explode.

We pray, she prints out a covenant for couples if one person has anger problems.

I'm terrified as I look at her and think,
"What if she's grown bitter?"
"What if she won't listen?"
or worse "What if she listens and rejects?"

Toni peacefully asks if I trust Jesus.

If I'm honest with myself, no. I don't trust Jesus. My whole life I've put on the goat fur and pretended to be Esau in order to get what I desire. Because of the self hate that I have been freed from I use to think if anyone saw just who I truly am they wouldn't be with me. So I become Zack Morris. I put on the mask and begin working the levers, the smoke and mirrors. But I'm tired of always looking over my shoulder. I'm tired of pretending. and so we pray.

We pray that I would trust Jesus and it's suspiciously difficult for me to say it.
We press in.
Something spiritual is going on.
I trust you Jesus
I trust you Jesus
its difficult but it's good.
I trust you Jesus
I trust you Jesus
I am overwhelmed by the situation. I love Bea, but how I treated her gives her every right to let bitterness grow in her heart and trust to die. So I have lost control. I can't work the situation anymore. I can't manipulate, trick, smooth talk. I am at the end of myself.

If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.
-Matthew 16

And so I die.
I give up my life.
I trust you Jesus
I trust you Jesus
I open my hands so that you will fill them again.

Toni and I had been talking for hours and it was getting late. She told me she was doing a teaching at the church tomorrow.
"If you want to have any shot at getting back with Bea, it's going to need to be 100% God and You are going to have to speak from your heart. You withheld your heart from her while you dated that is the thing that she needs to see. I want you to fast, worship, and pray all morning tomorrow listen for God. I'm done with my talk at 2:30 come by the church and we'll see what God said."

"Jesus please soften her heart" I pray over and over as I am in my bed.
"Jesus soften her heart"
"I trust you Jesus"

I woke up Saturday and worshiped and prayed for 6 hours.
I trust you Jesus
Soften her heart
I trust you Jesus

Three days later, when David and his men arrived home at their town of Ziklag, they found that the Amalekites had made a raid into the Negev and Ziklag; they had crushed Ziklag and burned it to the ground. They had carried off the women and children and everyone else but without killing anyone. When David and his men saw the ruins and realized what had happened to their families, they wept until they could weep no more. David’s two wives, Ahinoam from Jezreel and Abigail, the widow of Nabal from Carmel, were among those captured. David was now in great danger because all his men were very bitter about losing their sons and daughters, and they began to talk of stoning him. But David found strength in the Lord his God. Then he said to Abiathar the priest, “Bring me the ephod!” So Abiathar brought it. and David inquired of the Lord, “Shall I pursue this raiding party? Will I overtake them?”
“Pursue them,” The Lord answered. “You will certainly overtake them and succeed in the rescue.”
-1 Samuel 30

6 hours I wept until I could weep no more.
But I found strength in the Lord.
and so I prayed to my God, my king
"Jesus shall I pursue Bea? Will she even listen?"
The Lord answered "Pursue her"

I asked Ellen to pray with me before I left the house.
I got in my car and drove to talk with Toni.
I showed her my journal of what I had gotten while I fasted, worshiped, and prayed. She asked me what I would say to Bea and so I poured it out to her crying in the cafe of the church.
She left and I sat there at the table as I texted Bea.
"Would you be willing to talk with me?" Soften her heart Jesus, soften her heart, I pray with my hand over the phone. I trust you Jesus
I waited a bit but decided it would be safer if I took the news at home. As I was driving my phone vibrated. I pulled off the nearest exit and parked in an abandoned lot.
"Why do you want to talk?"
"I have things I want to express"
"I don't want to have any sort of relationship at this point." I trust you Jesus I trust you Jesus
"Bea will you at least let me express how I feel? I need you to hear."
"I don't think anything you say will change that. I'm not mad or anything. I just want to move on." I trust you Jesus, I trust you Jesus, soften her heart PLEASE
"I understand. Please open your heart. You have every reason to say no. But I have things in my heart that I must express towards you."
"I do not want to talk." My heart feels like a piece of paper in a dogs mouth. I trust you Jesus, PLEASE soften her heart, I trust you Jesus.
"We don't have to talk today or tomorrow will you at least pray about it and talk to Toni and your friends?"
"I don't want to talk. I've been praying about it and I think it's good that we're not talking." I trust you Jesus, soften her heart.
"I think it has been good for us to not talk but maybe things have changed."
"It still is good. I don't want to talk to you." SOFTEN HER HEART JESUS SOFTEN HER HEART please Jesus I trust you.
"Will you let me know if your heart changes? And will you please keep praying and talking about it?"
"Yes I'll let you know."
"Thank you Bea."

Sometimes the loved one drops the gun, puts down the walls.
Sometimes not.

I scoop up what's left of my heart and drive it back to my place. Ellen is in the kitchen preparing for a dinner party and Travis is sick upstairs. I am in my room collecting myself.

I will not feel self hate for the way I treated her. I will not allow anger.
What happened God? Did I hear you wrong? Is she hearing you wrong? How can we both pray to you and get two difference answers? Did you want me to pursue to fail? How can she be so cold. Has she forgiven me? Will she? Will her heart soften? What do I do?

hungry
exhausted
vulnerable
rejected
I pace the house between the where Ellen and Travis is. I feel like I've been punched in the gut. Anger lies in wait for me.
I want to get angry at myself.
I want to say the grapes are sour.
But I won't go back from where I came from. I will never be angry again. So with anger not as an option I am limited to grief.

What a horrible feeling.
grief.

God has been creating in me a new heart. He is making me new. He has wiped the fear and anger from my life and once the window to my heart was cleaned of the sludge all that is left is my true vulnerable love towards Bea.

And she won't talk.

I want to say I don't really love her. I want to say it is her loss. I want to say I screwed it all up.

But those are lies. That's the old man speaking.

The truth is always far more painful.

The truth is I love her very much.
I love her more than I have ever loved someone.
It may be her loss
I may have screwed it up
But those things aren't up to me.
I trust you Jesus

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
-Romans 12

So now I wait.
I'm not sure what to do.
I shall keep praying for her heart to soften. I will keep praying that she would at least hear me. That she would know how much I regret disrespecting her. That she would know the steps I've taken to guarantee that I will never treat her like that again and that I will treat her better than any other man can. I know that I can. I will love her better than any man will ever be able to.

But it isn't up to me. I have given up manipulation. I have given up control. I have given up my life. So I pray to You Jesus.
You are good.
I trust you Jesus.
Soften her heart.

I used to think God guided us by opening and closing doors, but now I
know sometimes God wants us to kick doors down.
—Bob Goff, Love Does

Love is not rude. It does not demand its own way.
-1 Corinthians 13

I know God wants us to kick doors down sometimes. But I also know love does not force itself upon anyone.

I trust you Jesus.
Soften her heart.
You are good.

Jon Foreman - My Love Goes Free

11/08/13

Always to bed on time
Never miss a morning at the gym
Budget is perfectly maintained
Always on schedule,
never late

My life is completely in order

Is this the way God wants me to live? Is this why Jesus came to die? So that I could get a full 8 hours? So that I could save a certain amount of money each month?

I'd trade it all, the well rested nights, the nice toned body, the slowly inflating bank account, the weekly routine, I'd trade it all to express my love towards the one it beats for.

Stray animals
flowers on windshields
hidden notes
talks all night
hours in bookstores, coffee shops
nights in hospital beds
meals at food pantries
hearing the unlocked patio door open in the middle of the night with a surprise visit
making banana pancakes
singing the ballad of love and hate along the Scioto mile
screaming my head off holding hands on the wimpiest roller coaster
sleeping in a tent alongside the homeless
secret birthday snowmen
gardening
the expression on her face as she opens a perfect gift
and although I will NEVER admit it, getting tickled until I can't breath and that stupid laugh comes out of me

I'd trade it all.

I miss her very much so.

Sometimes love is the price we pay for wisdom.

I now know the destruction and the pain my old anger caused but what it cost me...the price...it was too great a price.

God loves me too much to leave me in my prison of anger so it took losing who I love for me to hear past my stubbornness.

I will never make that mistake again. I will never pay that price again.

Bright Eyes - First Day Of My Life

11/07/13

What should I think of my child, if I found that he limited his faith in me and hope from me to the few promises he had heard me utter! The faith that limits it self to the promises of God, seems to me to partake of the paltry character of such a faith in my child — good enough for a Pagan, but for a Christian a miserable and wretched faith. Those who rest in such a faith would feel yet more comfortable if they had God's bond in stead of his word, which they regard not as the out come of his character, but as a pledge of his honour. They try to believe in the truth of his word, but the truth of his Being, they understand not. In his oath they persuade themselves that they put confidence: in himself they do not believe, for they know him not Therefore it is little wonder that they distrust those swellings of the heart which are his drawings of the man towards him, as sun and moon heave the ocean mass heavenward. Brother, sister, if such is your faith, you will not, must not stop there. You must come out of this bondage of the law to which you give the name of grace, for there is little that is gracious in it. You will yet know the dignity of your high calling, and the love of God that passeth knowledge. He is not afraid of your presumptuous approach to him. It is you who are afraid to come near him. He is not watching over his dignity. It is you who fear to be sent away as the disciples would have sent away the little children. It is you who think so much about your souls and are so afraid of losing your life, that you dare not draw near to the Life of life, lest it should consume you.

Our God, we will trust thee. Shall we not find thee equal to our faith? One day, we shall laugh ourselves to scorn that we looked for so little from thee; for thy giving will not be limited by our hoping.

O thou of little faith! "in everything," — I am quoting your own Bible; nay, more, I am quoting a divine soul that knew his master Christ, and in his strength opposed apostles, not to say christians, to their faces, because they could not believe more than a little in God; could believe only for themselves and not for their fellows; could believe for the few of the chosen nation, for whom they had God's ancient word, but could not believe for the multitude of the nations, for the millions of hearts that God had made to search after him and find him; — "In everything," says St Paul, "In every thing, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God." For this every thing, nothing is too small. That it should trouble us is enough. There is some principle involved in it worth the notice even of God himself, for did he not make us so that the thing does trouble us? And surely for this everything, nothing can be too great. When the Son of man cometh and findeth too much faith on the earth — may God in his mercy slay us. Meantime, we will hope and trust.

Do you count it a great faith to believe what God has said? It seems to me, I repeat, a little faith, and, if alone, worthy of reproach. To believe what he has not said is faith indeed, and blessed. For that comes of believing in Him. Can you not believe in God himself? Or, confess, — do you not find it so hard to believe what he has said, that even that is almost more than you can do? If I ask you why, will not the true answer be — "Because we are not quite sure that he did say it"? If you believed in God you would find it easy to believe the word. You would not even need to inquire whether he had said it: you would know that he meant it.

Let us then dare something. Let us not always be unbelieving children. Let us keep in mind that the Lord, not forbidding those who insist on seeing before they will believe, blesses those who have not seen and yet have believed — those who trust in him more than that — who believe without the sight of the eyes, with out the hearing of the ears. They are blessed to whom a wonder is not a fable, to whom a mystery is not a mockery, to whom a glory is not an unreality — who are content to ask, "Is it like Him?" It is a dull-hearted, unchildlike people that will be always putting God in mind of his promises. Those promises are good to reveal what God is; if they think them good as binding God, let them have it so for the hardness of their hearts. They prefer the Word to the Spirit: it is theirs.

...Shall God's thoughts be surpassed by man's thoughts? God's giving by man's asking? God's creation by man's imagination? No. Let us climb to the height of our Alpine desires; let us leave them behind us and ascend the spear-pointed Himmalays of our aspirations; still shall we find the depth of God's sapphire above us; still shall we find the heavens higher than the earth, and his thoughts and his ways higher than our thoughts and our ways.

-The Higher Faith, George MacDonald

No Limit - Enter The Worship Circle

11/06/13

Well, he gave her a dimestore watch
And a ring made from a spoon
Everyone is looking for someone to blame
But you share my bed, you share my name
Well, go ahead and call the cops
You don't meet nice girls in coffee shops
She said baby, I still love you
Sometimes there's nothing left to do

Who am I? Do I really see who I am? Do others around me really see who I am?
Am I the sum of my parts?
Am I the response to my environment?
Am I the sins that imprison me?
Who is Adam?

Peel it back, my fears, my surroundings, my biology, what's left? Me? What does that look like?

I say all this to say that if I truly rid myself of all
Anger
Guilt
Jealousy
Greed
Who remains?

Stubborn is a word everyone would use to define me, remove the anger and the stubbornness is gone.

But I am not my sins.
Perhaps instead of becoming an all new thing I am rather becoming the best part of the person.
As if to say that I would become a slice of steak with the bone and the fat removed.
There are days when there is a lot more fat than meat and on other days there is more meat than fat. But what I aim to be is the choice cut of meat. Boneless, without fat.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Ephesians 4

The writer says to get rid of ALL... anger... as well as all types of evil behavior. Not to be nearly all meat, not to have a bit of bone but to be completely without.

What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure.
James 4

Desires that were once good and harmless turned evil and madly pursued create the quarrels and fights among us...all of the quarrels and fights. It is our desires when gone unmet that birth evil. Our desire to not only control ourselves but our circumstances and those around us. Jealousy creates an evil sort of desire. It can be easily fixed with the Ephesians text about being kind to each other, tenderhearted, rather than allow jealousy the foothold it would replaced with the building up and encouragement of the brother or sister who has that which I want. Compliment them rather than scheme to get it. Always praising God for that which I do have.

I don't have what I want because I don't ask God for it.
God doesn't give it to me because my desire for it is only out of selfish pleasure seeking.

So out of love God denies our desires. It is because God is love, because of his abundant overflowing love that all my prayers are not answered the way I desire.

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor. Don’t speak evil against each other, dear brothers and sisters. If you criticize and judge each other, then you are criticizing and judging God’s law. But your job is to obey the law, not to judge whether it applies to you. God alone, who gave the law, is the Judge. He alone has the power to save or to destroy. So what right do you have to judge your neighbor? Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.” How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that. Otherwise you are boasting about your own plans, and all such boasting is evil. Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.
James 4

Anger
Greed
Guilt
Jealousy
All cured by humility. Resist the devil and he will flee from you (James 4:7) Obeying the law rather than criticizing both the law and my brothers and sisters is what we are called to do. Not to compare, not to grow the seed of jealousy but to humbly follow God. My life is like the morning fog. Its here a little while, then...gone. What right do I have to allow my desires to grow and turn evil when not fulfilled? I have none.

Confession
Forgiveness
Generosity
Celebration of others

My body will change, my emotions will change, my knowledge will change, my environment will change, my time will change. Who am I?

I am my heart.

I am my heart, and what sort of heart do I have? Is it locked deep in the darkness of the self imprisoned chains and shackles of anger, guilt, jealousy, and greed? or do I have a heart of freedom? a heart of liberty through confession, forgiveness, generosity, and celebration? Do I love each other because God loved me first? (1 John 4:19) Do I forgive one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven me? (Ephesians 4:32)

I am tired of these chains. I am tired of allowing fear to keep me from freedom. I've had enough of self guilt holding me back from God's presence. Come close to God, and God will come close to you. (James 4:8) I am sick of anger pushing the ones I love away from me when my heart wants them near.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
Galatians 5:1

I want to taste that freedom and I will NEVER look back. Never again will I be angry. NEVER again will I be angry. Never again.

God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.
1 John 4

Never again will I have fear.

Tom Waits - Hold On

11/03/13

How terribly, then, have the theologians misrepresented God in the measures of the low and showy, not the lofty and simple humanities! Nearly all of them represent him as a great King on a grand throne, thinking how grand he is, and making it the business of his being and the end of his universe to keep up his glory, wielding the bolts of a Jupiter against them that take his name in vain. They would not allow this, but follow out what they say, and it comes much to this. Brothers, have you found our king? There he is, kissing little children and saying they are like God. There he is at table with the head of a fisherman lying on his bosom, and somewhat heavy at heart that even he, the beloved disciple, cannot yet understand him well. The simplest peasant who loves his children and his sheep were — no, not a truer, for the other is false, but — a true type of our God beside that monstrosity of a monarch.

The God who is ever uttering himself in the changeful profusions of nature; who takes millions of years to form a soul that shall understand him and be blessed; who never needs to be, and never is, in haste; who welcomes the simplest thought of truth or beauty as the return for seed he has sown upon the old fallows of eternity; who rejoices in the response of a faltering moment to the age-long cry of his wisdom in the streets; the God of music, of painting, of building, the Lord of Hosts, the God of mountains and oceans; whose laws go forth from one unseen point of wisdom, and thither return without an atom of loss; the God of history working in time unto Christianity; this God is the God of little children, and he alone can be perfectly, abandonedly simple and devoted. The deepest, purest love of a woman has its well-spring in him. Our longing desires can no more exhaust the fulness of the treasures of the God head, than our imagination can touch their measure. Of him not a thought, not a joy, not a hope of one of his creatures can pass unseen; and while one of them remains unsatisfied, he is not Lord over all.

-The Child in the Midst, George MacDonald

You are not that monstrosity of a monarch but rather the simplest peasant who loves his children and his sheep. God You are good. I praise You for who You are. Rid me of anger. Rid me of selfish ambitions. Make me childlike, Make me like You.

Inheritance - Graham Cooke