07/31/16

From last night with one of the most genuine dudes I know.

A photo posted by David Powers (@david_actually) on Jul 26, 2016 at 8:19am PDT

Grad school has been taking its toll on me.
I have finished my first whole year and I am exhausted. I am worn down.
As I can see the end of my summer classes two weeks away I receive emails from the fall classes beginning to start. I can find no rest. I should have taken the summer off but I want this dream I am so close to it I must press on.

But I need rest. I need to leave my room I need to reignite the friendships I have neglected this past year.
I need to travel. I need to explore, I need conversation, I need to be known. God I haven't been to the pantry since Christmas. Who am I? What am I doing with my time, with my life?

So I've been picking up the phone, I've been texting those relationships I have allowed to wither.

I met up with David on Monday. We drove down to the city to talk.
I opened up. I'm done performing. I'm done hiding. So I shared.

We talked about our dreams.
We talked about our fears.
We talked about who we are.
We talked about being known, why it is so important to us humans and why it is so scary to be known.

David shared with me his fears about marriage. He talked about his engagement and the idea of losing himself in marriage. His father's marriage, his brother's, He shared how he doesn't want to give up his individuality and what makes him who he is.

"Marriage either halves you or doubles you."

He talked about how Jenna walked with him and worked out those fears that lead them to engagement.
We talked about the one thing the person we care about most could say to us that would hurt us the most.
He asked about Bea.
We revisited conversations from hotel rooms on the other side of this planet.
We talked about making new friends as adults. We talked about what friendship should look like and how to maintain that level.
I thought about the imagine this man paints on his Instagram, his social media lens life and the reality of who he is beside me as we watch the Earth rotate around the sun lowering it on our city to the next section of the planet illuminating the sky a shade of magenta that struck both of us speechless.

We are shaped by our past, our communities, and our place on the Earth. This man standing next to me, who he is and will be. Before I knew it, it was 10pm and we had spent four hours standing and sharing.

As we parted ways he looked me in the eyes and said he loved me. I cynically thought to myself how can this man say he loves me? He wasn't there in middle school. He wasn't there in college like my other friends. But then I thought to myself, maybe he doesn't have to be.

I know I have thought this many times before God but the definition of love for one person can be something very different to another. Or maybe the same, just given more freely than others. For some it could be a feeling, it could be a promise, it could be some mixture of the two. Or maybe it is tapping into a connection, a relationship, or a perspective of the Creator of all.

What do we mean when we say we love?

I've been thinking about about how it felt to sit on that ledge with David. Being still up there feeling the air on my skin, the deep breaths in my nose down to my lungs.
Up there in that moment
I felt peace
I felt You, oh God
no anxiety
no grad school
no social pressures
no expectations
Peace.

Adam and David, I wonder what the interaction of the two bible character would have been had they met. The first man, and the king of Israel. How strange it would be to attempt to explain kingship, government, and war to the first man on Earth.

It's interesting how our perspectives can shuffle our priorities.
When I walk in the ravines of the city I feel so small, everything feels so big. It feels as though I cannot make an impact. Mortgages, retirement funds, job descriptions, and health insurance fill my mind. I look up at the city and think about how insignificant I am among it.
Then I sit on this ledge over looking my city and everything feels so small. From up here what kind of car you drive doesn't matter because I can't even see the logo on the front. Those tiny shiny rocks we put on our fingers, in our ears and around our necks are invisible. The people I see from up here, I can't tell if they are gay or straight, if they are Muslim, Atheist, or Christian, Democrat, Republican, I can't tell if they are millionaires or broke, educated or not. That remodeled kitchen with the matching appliances goes unnoticed inside the downtown loft from the distant exterior. What are we even doing with our lives?

But perspectives are so valuable.

It is good to get down in the ravine, to notice the centipede, the spider, and the foliage. These tiny things are paramount to our planet's survival. To stay up on top of the city would lose this perspective. It's important to get down and know that this city is so much more than glass and steel that there are people filling it each with their own dreams, fears, and passions. Down in the ravine I can see clearly what holds the city together. The rocks and the streams, each root that holds up every leaf and each brick that stacks to collectively form the city.

But if I never zoom out and stand above the city then I lose the lens that the clothes I wear and the thoughts of what strangers think of me based on looks, and my actions isn't everything. It is good to sit above the city. From up here I can see the river's shape. I can see that parking tickets, being to work on time, and what kind of car I drove isn't that important. Up here I am reminded I am the gerridae. Up here I can see the beauty of the collection of each of those leaves to form a green landscape. I can see that those bricks together make a wonderful city magnificently reflecting the sun's colors all around. But if I stay up here too long I might forget the little things. Up here I cannot notice the pollution of the water shed. Up here I cannot notice the affects of every light switch burning coal to heat this planet.

So how do I balance the two?
How do I square the smallness of myself with the smallness of our planet?
How do I keep in mind that life is so much more than collecting a big digital number stored in some bank's computer system? Life is so much more than worrying about the little differences. and Yet, it is important to know who is Muslim, who is black, who is gay, who is a refugee. It is important to pay those bills to have a place to rest your head. From above we learn to see everyone as equals so that in the ravine we may fight for justice and equality where the differences are more clear. If we only live in the ravine all we notice is the differences and the insignificant things become the most important. However if we only live at the top of the city the most important things become insignificant. Everyone becomes the same, People start to look like a commodity, or the daily struggles and hardships are easily brushed over. We must live in the ravine but we must also take time to retreat and rest above the city.

Needed Perspective

William Beebe, the naturalist, tells us of a ritual through which he and the late Theodore Roosevelt used to go at Aagamore Hill. "After an evening talk, perhaps about the fringes of knowledge, or some new possibility of climbing into the minds or senses of animals, we would go out on the lawn, where we took turns in an amusing little astronomical rite. We searched until we found, with or without glasses, the faint heavenly spot of light-mist beyond the lower left-hand corner of the great square of Pegasus, when one or the other of us would recite:

That is the Spiral Galaxy of Andromeda
It is as large as our milky way.
It is one of a hundred million galaxies.
It is seven hundred and fifty thousand light-years away.
It consists of one hundred billion suns, each larger than our sun.

After an interval, Colonel Roosevelt would grin at me, and say:
'Now I think we are small enough! Let's go to bed!'"
-William Sloane Coffin

How strange that we exist. What a mystery to even breathe, to see what is around us to know to think and to love. Temporary is such a strange concept to me and yet it is maybe the truest truth. Everything in this life in this reality is temporary. How valuable that makes each moment, each breath.
Thank you God for evenings like Monday night. Thank you for friends like David.
I ask for many more moments like this.
My heart is filled with gratitude.
And I like it just like that.
Even as I sit here feeling my heart pound in my chest sending blood back and forth through my body like the rivers of the city, maintaining life.
Thank you.

God, I pray that Bea finds her honesty and I pray that she finds peace in that.
Thank You for the time I've had her in my life and I ask for much much more time.
I miss her and I love her very much so, oh God.
Please once more, oh God.

Hammock - I Can Almost See You

07/27/16

Naïveté

1.having or showing unaffected simplicity of nature or absence of artificiality; unsophisticated; ingenuous.

2.having or showing a lack of experience, judgment, or information; credulous

3.having or marked by a simple, unaffectedly direct style reflecting little or no formal training or technique

The third definition of the term is simply boiled down to inexperience. My first day using a shovel when I was landscaping I was very naïve. But that isn't how the word is normally used in our culture.

The second seems to be the same sort of definition this one seeming like an academic perspective. Being unfamiliar with an industries specific terms or the normal process of things. Like when I attempt to write a paper in APA format for grad school I am very naïve to the expectations. But again that isn't how the word is normally used.

It is the first definition that comes to mind when I think about the term naïve, and it is the first definition that I like. To be naïve with that definition is not an insult. It is not a bad thing. Simplicity, absence of artificiality, or rather genuine. unsophisticated but what is sophistication but a falsehood created by cultures and ingenuous or trusting as if to say it is a flaw to trust people.

Naïveté in my opinion isn't the flaw of the naïve.
It is contrast, the exposure, the uncovering of a corrupt or unjust system.

God knows that I've been naïve
but i think it makes him proud of me.

It is not the so called "naïve" who are wrong. It is those who scoff or brand other with the label who are wrong.

The naïve say we have enough food in America why are hungry people in the world?
And the "educated" scoffs and laughs.
But In the USA, 30-40% of the food supply is wasted, equaling more than 20 pounds of food per person per month.

The naïve say "Dad, if that man had a less nice car, that man there could have a meal."
And the cynics are disgusted at this over simplistic view of our broken systems of income inequality.
But Hannah Salwen's family sold their house and bought one half the size then gave half of the sale price to a worthy charity.

It is not so called "naïveté" that is the problem in our planet. It is the critics and the experts who toss the term down from their self proclaimed positions of power.

I believe the "naïve" see the world exactly as it should be. It isn't until the Principalities and The Rulers and The Powers of this world add their red tape and bureaucracy that the term naïve can even exist at all.

It is not the fault of the rape victim it is the rapist who is at fault.
It is not the fault of the homeowner it is the corrupt banker who is at fault.

Naïveté stands out like the stars in the night sky. There are two views we can have when looking up at night. We can either say what beauty those pin holes give this endless darkness each night, or we can scoff and say those stars are pointless they will never provide enough light to have any sort of impact on our nights. It would be better if the sky was completely dark and empty at least then there would be some uniformity to the sky.

Without the cold empty darkness of space there would be nothing to contrast against for the stars to show. Without the cold hearted bitter cynics in the world there would be no word for naïveté.

If the definition of naïveté is to be,
trusting
innocent
simple
unsophisticated
absence of artificiality
and ingenuous
Then to be naïve is to be fully human to be fully your most honest self to be a loving and genuine friend.

Maybe the title of naïveté is one of the highest compliments a human can receive from a sophisticated, artificial, "educated" cynic.

Sleeping At Last - Naïve

07/24/16

'Well,' said Staines, frowning slightly, 'that's very difficult to say—which to value higher. Honesty or loyalty. From a certain point of view one might say that honesty is a kind of loyalty—loyalty to the truth…though one would hardly call loyalty a kind of honesty! I suppose that when it came down to it—if I had to choose between being dishonest but loyal, or being disloyal but honest—I'd rather stand by my men, or by my country, or by my family, than by truth. So I suppose I'd say loyalty…I myself. But in others…in the case of others, I feel quite differently. I'd much prefer an honest friend to a friend who was merely loyal to me; and I'd much rather be loyal to an honest friend than to a sycophant. Let's say that my answer is conditional; in myself, I value loyalty; on others, honesty.
-Eleanor Catton, The Luminaries

I'd never given much thought to the two, honesty or loyalty. I suppose I'm thankful the two are not mutually exclusive. At least not all the time...

I think the two mixed nicely together makes for something very perfect. To honestly want to be loyal to someone or an idea a belief.

I completely agree with the character Staines in this section of the book. I value loyalty in myself and I think anyone who knows me at all would say the same. And I completely value honesty in others for just has the character states what good is mere loyalty? Someone beside you strictly founded on duty what a disgusting thought, like paying someone to be your friend...

I miss Bea, this space is difficult. I miss her thoughts, I miss her eyes, I miss our little talks. I went to Mikey's bible study Thursday night...it was difficult to get through, I had so many thoughts and I wondered what Bea would say about them.

I value loyalty in myself but honesty in others, yes this space is difficult for me but it is honest for her. It's strange how our choices impact others. Her request for space consequently becomes my space too. No matter if I want it or not it is the nature of a relationship where two people's lives are connected that if one wants distance the other by default also gets distance.

I do deserve to be desired, to be missed, and to be chosen. It is what is required for love to exist.

Like I was saying a couple weeks ago, The critic who loves every thing that is passed across their desk is no longer a critic they are no more useful than if no one was at that desk. It is our yes and equally our no that help shape the boarders of ourselves from the rest.
Love is in the choosing in the selecting that is what shapes the boarders of ourselves.

I do trust that Bea can make the right choice for herself. Not her friends, not her counselor, not me, she alone and I suppose as much as I hate it, space lends itself a sort of clarity and opportunity to see what there is by removing it.

Just as the critic who loves everything loves nothing, so the person who has not gone without something does not truly know it's value or importance in their life. Although we have gone without each other and it was this very same space of the past 8 months that has given me the clarity of her priority in my life, I suppose she would like the same opportunity.

I hope this time apart offers her the clarity, the honesty, and the answers she's looking for. I hope this isn't just some ritual she must religiously follow because friends and counselors told her she should.

No matter, I am a man of my word and she asked for a month. I can and I will honor that.
But that doesn't stop me from missing her in my life like crazy. So many thoughts, topics, conversations I'd love to have with her.

God, I pray that Bea finds her honesty and I pray that she finds peace in that.
Thank You for the time I've had her in my life and I ask for much much more time.
I miss her and I love her very much so, oh God.
Please once more, oh God.

07/20/16

"Why not?"
"Because I trust her," said Staines.
"I am asking if you think it possible," Said Broham, "not if you think it probable."
"I understand the question. My answer is unchanged."
"What induced you to place your trust in Miss Wetherell?"
"Trust cannot be induced," he burst out. "It can only be given - and given freely! How am I possibly to answer that?"
"I will simplify my question," the lawyer said. "Why do you trust Miss Wetherell?"
"I trust her because I love her," Said Staines.
"And how did you come to love her?"
"By trusting her, of course!"
"You make a circular defense."
"Yes," the boy cried, "because I must! True feeling is always circular - either circular, or paradoxical - simply because its cause and its expression are two halves of the very same thing! Love cannot be reduced to a catalogue of reasons why, and a catalogue of reasons cannot be put together into love. Any man who disagrees with me has never been in love - not truly."
― Eleanor Catton, The Luminaries

I trust her because I love her and I love her because I trust her. Love is not a catalog of reasons, nor is trust. Bea may go through this life confused and she may struggle with decisions but damn it she loves me and I love her. And I fucking trust her. I DO. I know that's scary close. I know I want to run. But fuck that shit. Life is in the love. To live is to love and I want to live this blink of a life. And I want this woman in my life, I want to share my only life with her because she's amazing. Just as the bible says, "So go ahead. Eat your food with joy, and drink your wine with a happy heart, for God approves of this! Wear fine clothes, with a splash of cologne! Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun."

Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. That's exactly how I indent on spending this ridiculously short life. :)

It is the greatest way to live life!

I miss Bea.
I trust Bea.
I love Bea.
Very much so God.

Give me the courage to risk, oh God.
Give me the courage to love, oh God.
I want to live Christ like
and to live a life like Christ is to love without fear. Without holding anything back.
That's where the life and life to the fullest is, it's in that perfect love that casts out fear.
Show me God, teach me God.

Eagle-Eye Cherry - Save Tonight

07/17/16

Christian talked briefly last week at VC20 about #blacklivesmatter
He quoted an article written by Drew Griffin...who is white which is disappointed but that isn't to say he can't still have a great point. It is just sad that as white people our voices are still the loudest even when talking about things like black lives matter. The fact that white opinions and thoughts are being published on the topic only showcases how much more we have to go.

We as white people need to let go of the power, we need to step aside. We all want to post that brilliantly thought provoking guilt educing comment that makes all the white friends (and maybe some black friends too) comment at how powerful our thoughts are.

But the point remains, we will and can never know what it's like to see the world through the lens of a black man in America. We can't, I can't. I don't know and I will never know the fear. The risk of walking out your front door, or even staying in your own home. Is a black man ever safe?

Anyway I feel an obligation to let my middle class white cis male voice be heard in solidarity even though I will never truly experience solidarity.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
-Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Even though it feels shitty that my white voice is louder in this American culture I have an obligation to use my privileged voice in saying how fucked up our culture is. Because as MLK said my silence condones and supports our culture's current system.

...anyway all of this to say Drew Griffin (a white male) wrote something I'd like to quote here.

We are not called to judge the motives of those who mourn, nor are we empowered to defend ourselves when we are to blame for their pain.

A Christian mourner looks upon the murder of Alton Sterling, Eric Garner, Trayvon Martin or Philando Castile and sees that the seed of hatred that cut them down is planted in each of us.
Yes, there may be systemic racism in our law enforcement, but it doesn't begin there: It begins in our homes, in the jokes we tell, the humor we allow, the sins we wink at and ignore. Those winks are weapons in the hands of sin, and they are deadly. The hate we harbor in our hearts gives birth to sin, and when it is fully grown—as we’ve seen this week—sin produces death.

Racism is deeply woven into our American culture. It has been since before the nation was even born. It was present when Columbus landed in the Caribbean. It was present when Jamestown was settled by the English. It was present when the colonies declared independence from Europe. It was present when Americans fought one another during the civil war. It was present 100 years later during the Civil rights moment. And it is present today during the black lives matter movement.

Help us God. Help us white people see the seed of hatred planted in each one of us. We need to see it. Because we can't. Help us, Oh God. Help us see what is in each of us. Help us see what we are to the rest of your people. Have mercy on us. Have mercy on me the way I use my power and privilege daily without notice or attempt. Help us white people release control, let go of our power and see all people as Your children.

Tink- Tell The Children

07/15/16

I can't stop writing on here lately.

I have so many thoughts so many things I want to wrestle with and pull the truth from within them.

I love Bea's letter or prayer or whatever You want to call it as if everything needs its proper label.

Her thoughts spurred so many new thoughts in me. New questions. Like how one single flower can produce countless seeds.

She talked about making decision for herself.

Making decision for myself.

Is it possible?

Every choice, every yes, is a no to everything else. And every no is a complete closure of that singular path or at least in that moment.

I am choosing to be a teacher but that choice was not only my choice. It was because of the impact children had on my life. It was because of my experiences and my desire to be the change I want to see in the world. I looked at the pantry. I looked at the church. I looked at the world and thought how can I do my part? How can I express what I believe and look back on this blink of a life knowing I tossed as many star fish as I could back into the water. It was because of the affect teaching has within me. It was because the alternative, the idea of sitting in front of a desk achieving profits makes me want to barf. These were not from my mind alone but rather from influences all around me. People, experiences, books, ideas, beliefs, all rolled together to make my choice, but was it mine? Can I claim anything in my life to be truly mine?

Every artist is a cannibal
every poet is a thief
-Bono

Novelty is a new kind of loneliness.
― Wendell Berry

What about when I choose to buy clothes. I am making decisions for other people when I do that. I am choosing to either support or protest certain workers rights. I am choosing to display to the world I approve of this style of dress and therefore disapprove of what I'm not wearing. Everything we do is political. Even our inaction is of course a type of action. It is like how atheism despite its best efforts is a belief system.

If I like everything, then I ultimately like nothing. It is only because of darkness that we can see the stars. It is only through contrast that we can see our individuality, our uniqueness. The critic who loves every thing that is passed across their desk is no longer a critic they are no more useful than if no one was at that desk. It is our yes and equally our no that help shape the boarders of ourselves from the rest.

I wonder if the truest decision can be made while pulling away from one's life or rather through delving into their life. Then in that circumstance, drawing from the truest form of self which is a person in their time and place, in the oneness with creation the true decision is made. Or rather is the true choice made while withdrawing from all influence and persuasion of place and time. It it made while stepping back and taking a look?

Should we make decisions from logic or emotion?
Or as humans do we have some sort of muddled mix of both?
But what amount is considered healthy? Does every choice require a different measure of both?

My brain could travel down this path forever but I should go.

How do we make a decision purely from ourselves and if we could make that decision is that the path we should walk?

07/14/16

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Cor 13:4-7
In all that I know, and based on my tiny life experience, I'd say love sounds a lot like letting go. Letting go of ego. Letting go of control. Being honest. It reminds me of the Jesus kitchen at the rainbow gathering. It reminds me of the double rainbow you showed us. It reminds me of Stripe and Yellow. They were together and let go so one another could fully become themselves. Love preservers but it also preserves. It reminds me of the ballad of love and hate. It preserves itself and in doing so, in creating that great self respect, it also preserves the wholeness in all else. Love is self-reliant in the most generous way.
I want to be bound to somebody, but I want to be fully me forever. All that I love is all that I have to give. Love is giving myself. Love is laying down my life for my friends. Love always hopes. I don't need to understand.
I need to be.

I love Adam.
I do.

That's from the letter she wrote me Tuesday. Communication is such a strange thing.
Being understood
Being known
I know Bea loves me, she tells me all the time.
How we both toss that heavy word back and forth as if we are playing a game.
I love you
I love you more

I wonder sometimes
What are we talking about when we talk about love

She wrote a small taste of what love is to her in that letter.

It helps me understand to know her message when she communicates that significant word.

To love is to let go. To let that person be truly who they are. But also to let go of yourself and trust the other person. Love is to to be bound to somebody and to be fully you forever. The two mixed strangely together.

I think I like that

I'm not ready.
I love Adam.
I do.
But I don't want to lose me.

I like Bea's fear of marriage, it shows the gravity of the action to her. Marriage isn't just something you do with someone randomly.

To marry is to love and to love is to let go in the complete and purest meaning of the word. God knows I've learned that as time and time again I am forced to let go, to wait, and to hope that I will spend my short days on this Earth with Bea, the woman I love.

It makes the chance of hearing her yes all the more meaningful. She mentioned her yes being yes.She wants to take time to strengthen that yes. I do trust her yes. When she commits to me I know she is fully committed because she is aware of the meaning of love and she is aware of the gravity of the action. Last year before I let fear drive me from her she was committed it was good.

I missed her today, I wonder if she missed me.
She loves me
and that's real
I hope she comes home.

She will be with me again in about 19 hours. No place I'd rather be then beside her.
My best friend
My family
To be so known and loved by another human

what a rare and wonderful gift You offer us God.
A small taste of what's after.

People who bore one another should meet seldom; people who interest one another, often.

Friendship ... is born at the moment when one man says to another "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .

When the two people who thus discover that they are on the same secret road are of different sexes, the friendship which arises between them will very easily pass – may pass in the first half hour – into erotic love. Indeed, unless they are physically repulsive to each other or unless one or both already loves elsewhere, it is almost certain to do so sooner or later. And conversely, erotic love may lead to Friendship between the lovers. But this, so far from obliterating the distinction between the two loves, puts it in a clearer light. If one who was first, in the deep and full sense, your Friend, is then gradually or suddenly revealed as also your lover you will certainly not want to share the Beloved’s erotic love with any third. But you will have no jealousy at all about sharing the Friendship. Nothing so enriches an erotic love as the discovery that the Beloved can deeply, truly and spontaneously enter into Friendship with the Friends you already had; to feel that not only are we two united by erotic love but we three or four or five are all travelers on the same quest, have all a common vision.

Emerson said, Do you love me? means Do you see the same truth?-Or at least, "Do you care about the same truth?

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

You may have noticed that the books you really love are bound together by a secret thread. You know very well what is the common quality that makes you love them, though you cannot put it into words: but most of your friends do not see it at all, and often wonder why, liking this, you should also like that. Again, you have stood before some landscape, which seems to embody what you have been looking for all your life; and then turned to the friend at your side who appears to be seeing what you saw — but at the first words a gulf yawns between you, and you realise that this landscape means something totally different to him, that he is pursuing an alien vision and cares nothing for the ineffable suggestion by which you are transported. Even in your hobbies, has there not always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of — something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breaking through, the smell of cut wood in the workshop or the clap-clap of water against the boat’s side? Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for?

-C.S. Lewis

I think that love is so much easier than you realize
If you can give yourself to someone, then you should
I'm yours and that's it, whatever.
I'm yours and that's it, forever.

Please once more, oh God.

07/13/16

so it's been sort of a long time.
I don't really understand myself.
This is my best attempt to express my heart.
Roots.
Columbus.
Denver.
Home.
What is home?
Is it a place?
Is it within me?
I think it's you.
Mountains are beautiful.
I feel you there,
but not because I feel first. I feel you because you are evident to all of my senses.
I feel because I just know.
I steep in the beautiful simplicity and wild order and begin to know.
I feel safe when I notice who you are.
Your creation sings because it's just as it should be.
It doesn't worry.
It doesn't strive.
It doesn't climb the ladder.
It just exists in this huge dance. Like everything is moving and singing for no other purpose than to be alive. It's worship.
It is because all the pieces are content to be exactly what they are.
The truest worship.
Just being fully what I am.
Sometimes I dot know if you made me or not.
But I do know that to exist is to be known by you.
Existence is personal.
It's intimate.
It's togetherness.
It's oneness with all others and you.
To be myself is to be deeply rooted and held by the past and present and all that will be.
I am not separate.
I am a little tiny piece of a great big world.
I am a moment in time.
I am a capsule of eternity.
I don't know what's wrong and what's right.
I don't know what's up and what's down.
I don't know what consciousness even is.
I don't know or understand how blood travels through my body or how my eyes can even see.
I am amazed by this great mystery.
In awe of your great work.
But all of the mystery makes decisions really hard.
I just want to sit
I'm content wherever I am because I am always in awe that I'm even here.
It's literally amazing.
I have arms.
I have legs.
I can die.
My muscles can grow stronger.
I can die.
What is death.
What is living.
I think this life is about fully being me so I can worship you fully.
I think that involves so much love.
It's like Kim and Katherine McClellan always say,
"I was made for love."
Middle School Hallway circa de 7:35am looking east towards Dresden
You show us you love us in the deepest
places. You run right to us and say "I'm yours. Your mine. That's it.
Whatever. Forever."
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Cor 13:4-7
In all that I know, and based on my tiny life experience, I'd say love sounds a lot like letting go. Letting go of ego. Letting go of control. Being honest. It reminds me of the Jesus kitchen at the rainbow gathering. It reminds me of the double rainbow you showed us. It reminds me of Stripe and Yellow. They were together and let go so one another could fully become themselves. Love preservers but it also preserves. It reminds me of the ballad of love and hate. It preserves itself and in doing so, in creating that great self respect, it also preserves the wholeness in all else. Love is self-reliant in the most generous way.
I want to be bound to somebody, but I want to be fully me forever. All that I love is all that I have to give. Love is giving myself. Love is laying down my life for my friends. Love always hopes. I don't need to understand.
I need to be.
I need to see how far I stretch.
I need to be deeply honest with myself and others.
I need to come to my ends.
I need to push myself to the brink of breaking.
I need to be loved by others and by you.
I need to love myself.
I don't right now.
I feel like I've let myself down.
I feel like I've been broken by my own decisions and by the world.
I miss my kids at Linden.
I need to know what it means to let my yes be yes and my no be no.
See all this self hate?
I keep trying to be more to be better.
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
'Wild Geese' by, Mary Oliver
I can't say what I actually want. I know I want love.
I know it's hard and beautiful and takes commitment.
I know I'm confused and scared and hopeful.
I know I am wanted.
I am just so freaked.
marriage, God?
I am so deeply afraid of marriage.
I feel it will take away my freedom
and I'm scared I will fail.
I'm scared of letting myself be abused.
I'm scared of my self slowly slipping away.
I'm scared that I'd be sacrificing other relationships that I care about.
I'm scared it's the end of exploration for me.
I won't be able to go as I please and see what happens.
I won't be able to take times of space if I need them.
I won't be able to just go or make decisions just for me.
IT'S HONESTLY SO DAMN MUCH.
I am freaked
I am freaked.
I can't do it.
I don't want to.
But sometimes I really really do.
Out here it's so much fun.
There's so much peace.
There's so much spontaneity.
There's so much gliding through the air and pushing myself and climbing higher and soaring.
I feel like seventh grade.
Finally being able to bike the neighborhood by myself.
I am a free spirit.
I am strong.
I have two feet to stand on and values That I hold to.
I don't feel strong enough to hold someone else up with me.
I don't feel ready.
I love to wander.
I love to roam.
I love to see what happens.
I'm not ready.
I love Adam.
I do.
But I don't want to lose me.
It's never just been me.
It hasn't in so long.
And I don't mean that it's all about me or there's nobody else in the world. To know myself is to understand my true and real connection to all other people and the world and to you God.
ugh maybe I'm so wrong.
Maybe this is all fear.
I don't think so though.
I think it's time to know what I am, where I am, who you are, and all other mysteries I am still discovering.
I feel like myself.
I feel like I'm floating.
But not as much in a bad way.
breathe.
breathe in. be still.
anxiety.
energy.
momentum.
healing.
dirt.
sweat.
sun.
muscles.
growth.
death.
weeding out my heart mind soul.
this me.
defining me.
self respect.
it's important.
self reliance.
it's essential.
I need to know I can do it.
I need to know I can choose.
-Bea :)

07/12/16

Well my brokenness showed a whole new level last night. I can't talk to Bea about it. She hung up on me last night. She doesn't feel safe right now. I can't talk to anyone about it. So Here I am again this place, the only place I can express myself truly.

I'm just going to vent some stuff I know this is my fear talking. I know this is my brokenness, I hate this is how I feel but It is honest and if I don't express it to you God I may express it to her and my brokenness could ruin everything.

I love Bea and I don't think she loves me.
I drove her to Pittsburg and back for Brooke's birthday. I paid for everyone's tabs. I got home very late and exhausted that night, then I managed to get up and put in a full day of work. I loved that drive and I loved seeing Brooke

We both drove to Missouri to meet up, I paid for the cabin and I paid for her gas. I got home after 2:30 woke up Monday put in a full day of work then night classes afterwards. That was one of my favorite weekends.

I lied to my boss to take a day off to go hiking with her. We never stopped talking. She gets me like no other.

I helped her load up her moving truck. I worked very hard and very long that day. I didn't want her to leave but I want her to be free so I helped dig my own grave.
I helped her mom drop off her rental car and I drove her to pick up the moving truck.

I was late to work nearly every day those two weeks in June staying with her. The perfect way to start every day.

She talked constantly about marriage, getting pregnant, and wanting a little house for our little life. It was the exact dream I want for my one short life.

I sat and wrote down all of her pros and cons about staying in Denver or moving back. I wanted so badly to sway her choices but I wrote the lists and I made the flow chart.

I have all of her high school and college art hanging in my room.

I pull up pictures of her at the bar and gush about her to drunk strangers.

I emailed Hattie to try and understand and mend that friendship because her friends are important to me.

I've been completely open and honest with her this time. I haven't gotten angry. I haven't performed. I've shown her exactly how scared I am but how much I want to be with her.

I've been trying to save as many days off as I can this year in preparation to use during my field experience. I've used one for that Monday of hiking and another for this Friday with her. It's how I'd love to spend every day off I get in my life.

I have been putting myself out there for 6 weeks now. She's had 6 weeks of me and it has been the best ever.
It isn't like I'm asking for marriage right now. Hell I'm not even asking to make this official yet even after 6 weeks of me hanging here in this place. But she still wants more distance from me. She still wants to push me away. two time zones and only facetime with me when she has a free minute and she still wants distance...

She keeps going back and forth each time we talk. She says she missed Columbus and can't wait to go home then she says she wants to stay and give Denver a shot. I do my best to be with her while she flips back and forth. I'm trying to stay strong and supportive but it's hard when she made the pros and cons chart choice but then talks about some preschool director position.

Last night was one of the worst nights of my life. I laid in bed wide awake I watched three cartoon movies trying to turn my brain off, nothing worked.

I'm not eating
I'm not sleeping
I'm snapping at the children in my class
I have so much work for grad school
I stay up so much later than I'd like in hopes I get to facetime with her

But she spends her time hiking and camping, she spends her time getting drinks at breweries, or hammocks with the best views. And she struggles to find time to call me.

Last night she hung up on me while I was exposing my brokenness while I was showing my wounds...she hung up. She felt completely unsafe. I put myself out there and she saw how ugly I can be and she ran.

I'm trying to hang in here God. I want this. I'm tired of running. I love this woman. But God it feels like I'm carrying the whole load. If feels like she's begging for space as I'm doing everything just to get a snapchat from her.

I'm afraid. Does she love me? Does she really?
What happened to the marriage and the little house dreams.

Today marks the one month mark since she left.
Only 1 month.

I can't keep living like this.
My school work is suffering.
My health is suffering.
My job is suffering.

I'm exhausted.

Is she just as scared? Is she just as in love?
How can we ever know these things without putting ourselves completely out there.
Here I am, I am out here and I have been for 6 weeks. I have not commitment from her and she's asking for more space.

All of these things I did because I love her. They were not difficult choices I did them freely and willingly. I feel guilty that it feels like I am keeping score. I know this is my brokenness and my fear.

I don't know how much longer I can live like this. I just want her to want me.

She's flying in Thursday night and it feels like she's going to break up with me but she won't even commit so there isn't anything to end technically. She's going to want space. Her roots will grow deeper in Denver, and she will be gone. I'll lose her forever.

I wish she wanted this. I'm so afraid God. I'm so afraid. I'm all in. I am all in and she is so uncertain.

She doesn't feel safe anymore and I'm trying to keep my trust alive.
I'm trying
I'm risking
I'm so scared.

But I won't run.
I knew my wounds would surface.
I knew I would get ugly.
I'm not running.
I know I can't keep this up but I can't quit either.
I love her and I won't let fear control me.

She says she misses me.
She says she loves me.
She says she wants to come home.
I will choose to trust her.

Help me God to keep sticking out here. To keep risking. To keep loving.

I love her so much God.
I'm trying.

Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen

07/11/16

Good morning God

It's much too early for me to be awake especially with such a long day of both work and school. But I can't sleep.

My fears are surfacing again.
I hate to admit it.
I feel dumb
But it is honest
I can't sleep
So I will express myself here.

I'm worried I'm losing the woman I love.
This isn't without warrant though.
In June she made sure every night was spent with me. No matter how many things she had to do no matter how many friends she hung out with she made sure every night was spent with me.
Then she moved to Denver and she made sure every night ended with a facetime to me. She would try everything to call me while she was camping, she even called me while she was on LSD. She snapchatted me often and always texted how much she loved and missed me. She would fill the text with emojis hearts and kisses. Now she facetimes me inbetween hang out with people if she even calls me at all. she texts two words now "miss you" no emojis...

But things seemed to have changed.
Am I being paranoid?
Am I over analyzing these things?

She called me on the way to some brewery Friday, that was the last time we talked. We snapchatted for a while back and forth on Saturday morning. Sunday I opened a piece of mail she sent me. A picture of a man and a woman cuddling on a twin bed with a dog in the other bed. :)

My wounds are starting to surface and flare up like never before.
This doesn't feel right. Something isn't right. She didn't try to talk last night or the night before.

Is this her just wanting her time before she comes home, or is this something else?
I don't know God.
I'm trying my hardest to trust her. I really am.
I love this woman so much.
Is it stupid for me to put myself out there?
You would never say to risk love is a stupid thing would You?

Last year I struggled with thoughts that I was more invested than she was. I'm starting to feel that again. But last year after we broke up I learned how much she cared, she was just afraid to express her side of the investment. She told me later how hard the break up was. She told me even when she was with Peyton she missed and thought about me. She loves me a lot. Maybe the more serious I get the more freaked out she gets which then freaks me out which confirms her fears which then makes both of us run away.

Is she freaking out?
This is a pretty scary thing, love.
I am freaking out.

But I'm not going to run this time.
God You know all my insecurities are surfacing. You know I hate long distance and You know what happened with my last long distance relationship. But I'm done letting fear drive me.

Of course I trust Bea. She has never given me a reason not to. As long as I've known her she has always been honest with me.

We are spending this weekend together, I took off work Friday so we could have an extra day. I'm picking her up from the airport Thursday night.

Why does this feel so weird? Why can't I sleep? Is this all of my shit inside or is there an actual reason I'm feeling this way?

Women from the past snapchat me, send me late night texts but I only want Bea. Out at the bars Saturday when we were talking to that group of women they asked to see pictures of Bea and after I showed them a couple one of them looked me in the eyes, asked, did you take this picture of her? You really love her don't you? I really do God. I really love her and drunk strangers on Park Street can even see that.

Friday night I skipped Amorelle's housewarming party because I knew Bea wouldn't like me going. Saturday night while Jared was arguing with the street preacher and everyone was tired and drunk I took the time to try and call her. Last night I stayed up waiting for her to call after an exhausting day and a very long day to come now. And this morning, I can't sleep.

Am I in this thing more than she is?
Technically we aren't even dating, ugh that's exactly what happened the last long distance relationship.

Don't run Adam,
Don't quit.
You love her
and she loves you
You're just freaking out, your wounds are surfacing and we are dealing with them. This is a good thing.
You can trust Bea.
Bea is safe. She has always been.
When she doesn't call, I need to trust that it isn't that she doesn't want to talk. She still misses and loves me.

Help me God, help me trust.
Help me trust God.

Thank you for putting Claire in my life during this so I have someone to talk sense into me.

Bea is scary close, I've put everything out there for her this time.

I love this woman
Help me trust this woman oh God.

he Head And The Heart - Honey Come Home

07/10/16

Water is such a mystery

I get lost in my thoughts sometimes at work while the kids run and splash through the stuff. I watch it's clear and smooth beauty ebb and flow.

How important water is to us, what would the planet look like if none existed. How would we find refreshment? It seems water is our only way to find this sensation.

We feel new after a shower.
We feel recharged after a tall glass.
We feel calm as it taps the roof.

Water, I think about the ocean from last week...

I think about how it sloshes up and down in the small pool in the playground. I think about how strange it feels on our skin. What else feels like water...it isn't sticky, it has no limitation of shape or form. It can be separated and combined so easily that it's hard to even define where some ends and more begins. Maybe water is one thing. Weather in a rain barrel, a dog bowl, or an iceberg, it is all part of the same collection eventually it all goes to the clouds and returns again.

It's beautiful to look at.
I think about the ozark Bea and I swam in while we stayed at that cabin. I couldn't get over the beauty of the vastness. I've seen water before. In countless cups and showers but something is different about the sun setting on this huge collection of water surrounded by healthy green trees and the woman I love in the water with me. I scoop her in my arms the water has a mysterious power of making her lighter It's as if she is in my arms and yet flowing freely. I hold her there she is laid back eyes closed chin tilted up her hair freely flowing in the water joining the rhythm of the wake. I drink in the moment, the sun, the sky, the trees, the lake, the woman, that was a good moment, my skin felt refreshed and peaceful in the chest high water.

Thank you for water God. What a mystery.

Andrew Bird - Roma Fade

07/07/16

Hey Bea,

I know you know I make everything into a thing. I’m sorry. I know one of my greatest strengths is that I care a lot and the little things in life matter to me. This is, of course, one of my greatest weaknesses my mind takes me places always and I can’t get out of my own head sometimes. I think way too much. So I know you’ve been talking about needing your time and I’ve thought and I’ve talked to God about this situation. I have already expressed my reasons why I don’t like it but for the sake of refreshing and given more time to organize my thoughts here they are again:

You living two time zones away already feels like there is way too much space.
We are not dating yet so again I already feel the space through commitment.
I think what we have is really rare, and it’s really good. I know I’ve messed up in the past and that has caused us time apart but this time it feels like I’m losing my best friend for no good reason other than the sake of losing you.
Once this season of yours is over I’m not sure how we would start things back up. I’m not sure how I will feel after you choose to walk away from what we have only to pick it back up in however long you want. I’m trying to imagine you talking to me again saying, “ok I’ve had my time now I’m ready for you” and how that will make me feel. Obviously I’d be happy to get to be with you and talk to you again but the reason for the distance seems unnecessary.
I think it is this unnecessity that hurts the most. It makes me feel like I am holding you back. It makes me feel as though I am not healthy for you. It doesn’t make me feel desired, loved.
I know you feel messy but If you tarry till you’re better, you will never come at all.
The question keeps coming to my mind “is snapchatting and facetiming me a couple times a day really that bad? Is the thought of taking time away from talking to me and sharing with me that enticing?”
What if you forget how good it is when we are together? What if something begins to grow with another person out there and you begin to wonder what it would be like if you explored that path rather than come back to me? How could I live with myself knowing I willingly allowed you to walk out of my life? In the past it was my brokenness, it was my mistakes that caused us to be apart but now everything is so good and finally I am doing this, not perfect, but honestly. How can I and why would I risk this?
People always say if you love something let it go and if it comes back then it’s meant to be. Well Bea I have let you go far more times than I am proud and that I’d ever like to admit. And this last time when I made that same mistake I thought I lost you forever. Those eight months were long, regretful, and difficult. But you came back. How rare, why would I EVER risk losing what I now know that I have.
Dawes songs in the car
Dinners at the pantry
Wendell Berry on the porch
Gardening in the city
Candles by the bed
Coffee in the morning
Grey’s anatomy at night
Road trips everywhere
Why would I ever let that slip away from me. Who knows how long I have to live on this pale blue dot and I’ve already wasted enough of it being afraid of messing things up with you.

Well Bea that’s it. Those are all my fears. It hurts and confuses me that you want time away from me willingly. BUT I just want you to be free Bea. It’s what I have always wanted. Bea you have told me you love me more than I love you. You have told me you want to marry me. You have told me you miss me. You have told me you’re coming home. I trust you Bea. I’m not sure if you know what a terrifying thing that is for me to do but I do. I trust you Bea. I trust the things you’ve said to me. And I trust that you can make the best decisions for yourself. I probably trust your decision making skills more than you yourself do. :P So you are educated on my lens, you have all the information and you know I will wait for you as long as it takes. I don’t want anyone else and I love you so much. So do what you want and know that you can always turn back to the trial head of any path. I learned that after making the worst decision of my life last fall :)

Do what you love, because that’s what you have to give to the world.

It is for freedom that we are set free.

I'm yours and that's it, whatever.
I should not have been gone for so long.
I'm yours and that's it, forever.

Love,
Adam


Well God that's the letter I wrote her. Now we sit and wait. God I know you have brought her back to me so many times and I am so grateful for that. Please once more. I love this woman and I know you know this. Once more. It has been so good seeing my wounds surface this past month and things have been great with her. It hurts she wants to be away from me. I pray that she realizes she doesn't but if she must for whatever reason...I pray You bring her back please once more.

07/03/16

June 2016 was probably one of the longest months I can remember. June first started with seeing Bea again for the first time in around eight months. The following 12 days were some of the best days I've had thus far in my story. I spent every night with her except maybe for one when her mom was at her house. We have never been this good, this healthy before.

Then she moved to Denver and the next two weeks were drastically different. I missed her far more than I thought I would. We facetimed every night except for maybe two due to her camping or staying out attempting to meet new friends.

Then we met in the middle for a weekend in Windsor Missouri. That weekend felt just as great as the first two weeks of the month.

I finished a summer class and started another.

June was a very good month. :)

Bea has continuously said she loves me.
She has continuously said she wants to marry me.
She has said she misses me and I feel like home.
She said she loves life now because of me
she said she was on cloud 9 because she got to see me after that Missouri weekend.

and I can't shake my insecurities. I have mixed feelings about this.
I'm glad they are surfacing. I'm glad I am forced to deal with these trust and love issues.
I'm also very proud of myself that I am handling them in such a healthy way.
The past I would have gotten angry at Bea. I would have fought and pushed her away. I also would have started to perform, to put pressure on myself to be perfect so she would have nothing to complain about.

but on the other side I get so anxious. I freak about the most irrational things. It's good to address these things in me but it isn't easy.

This woman is crazy about me. She maybe loves me as much as I love her, she claims more.
My brain knows the information. I have received the messages of her feelings towards me but my fears and insecurities flail around my mind like a kid to a piñata.

What is the root of this irrational anxiety?
Search me, oh God.

Why do I doubt? Why do I fear?
How do I trust? How do I believe?

I am so thankful for this opportunity to surface and address my insecurities.
Help me to continue to express and wrestle with them in healthy ways. No more anger and performing, only honesty and vulnerability.

I am so thankful how understanding this woman can be to me as I ask over and over if she loves me. If she is certain.

God thank you for June.
Thank you for the strawberries that ushered in the month.
The spring rains
the solstice
the start of summer.

I ask for a July equally as rewarding.
Keep working in me.
I want to be as vulnerable as You, oh God.

Forlorn Strangers - While the Grass Grows