Good morning God
It's much too early for me to be awake especially with such a long day of both work and school. But I can't sleep.
My fears are surfacing again.
I hate to admit it.
I feel dumb
But it is honest
I can't sleep
So I will express myself here.
I'm worried I'm losing the woman I love.
This isn't without warrant though.
In June she made sure every night was spent with me. No matter how many things she had to do no matter how many friends she hung out with she made sure every night was spent with me.
Then she moved to Denver and she made sure every night ended with a facetime to me. She would try everything to call me while she was camping, she even called me while she was on LSD. She snapchatted me often and always texted how much she loved and missed me. She would fill the text with emojis hearts and kisses. Now she facetimes me inbetween hang out with people if she even calls me at all. she texts two words now "miss you" no emojis...
But things seemed to have changed.
Am I being paranoid?
Am I over analyzing these things?
She called me on the way to some brewery Friday, that was the last time we talked. We snapchatted for a while back and forth on Saturday morning. Sunday I opened a piece of mail she sent me. A picture of a man and a woman cuddling on a twin bed with a dog in the other bed. :)
My wounds are starting to surface and flare up like never before.
This doesn't feel right. Something isn't right. She didn't try to talk last night or the night before.
Is this her just wanting her time before she comes home, or is this something else?
I don't know God.
I'm trying my hardest to trust her. I really am.
I love this woman so much.
Is it stupid for me to put myself out there?
You would never say to risk love is a stupid thing would You?
Last year I struggled with thoughts that I was more invested than she was. I'm starting to feel that again. But last year after we broke up I learned how much she cared, she was just afraid to express her side of the investment. She told me later how hard the break up was. She told me even when she was with Peyton she missed and thought about me. She loves me a lot. Maybe the more serious I get the more freaked out she gets which then freaks me out which confirms her fears which then makes both of us run away.
Is she freaking out?
This is a pretty scary thing, love.
I am freaking out.
But I'm not going to run this time.
God You know all my insecurities are surfacing. You know I hate long distance and You know what happened with my last long distance relationship. But I'm done letting fear drive me.
Of course I trust Bea. She has never given me a reason not to. As long as I've known her she has always been honest with me.
We are spending this weekend together, I took off work Friday so we could have an extra day. I'm picking her up from the airport Thursday night.
Why does this feel so weird? Why can't I sleep? Is this all of my shit inside or is there an actual reason I'm feeling this way?
Women from the past snapchat me, send me late night texts but I only want Bea. Out at the bars Saturday when we were talking to that group of women they asked to see pictures of Bea and after I showed them a couple one of them looked me in the eyes, asked, did you take this picture of her? You really love her don't you? I really do God. I really love her and drunk strangers on Park Street can even see that.
Friday night I skipped Amorelle's housewarming party because I knew Bea wouldn't like me going. Saturday night while Jared was arguing with the street preacher and everyone was tired and drunk I took the time to try and call her. Last night I stayed up waiting for her to call after an exhausting day and a very long day to come now. And this morning, I can't sleep.
Am I in this thing more than she is?
Technically we aren't even dating, ugh that's exactly what happened the last long distance relationship.
Don't run Adam,
Don't quit.
You love her
and she loves you
You're just freaking out, your wounds are surfacing and we are dealing with them. This is a good thing.
You can trust Bea.
Bea is safe. She has always been.
When she doesn't call, I need to trust that it isn't that she doesn't want to talk. She still misses and loves me.
Help me God, help me trust.
Help me trust God.
Thank you for putting Claire in my life during this so I have someone to talk sense into me.
Bea is scary close, I've put everything out there for her this time.
I love this woman
Help me trust this woman oh God.
he Head And The Heart - Honey Come Home