so it's been sort of a long time.
I don't really understand myself.
This is my best attempt to express my heart.
Roots.
Columbus.
Denver.
Home.
What is home?
Is it a place?
Is it within me?
I think it's you.
Mountains are beautiful.
I feel you there,
but not because I feel first. I feel you because you are evident to all of my senses.
I feel because I just know.
I steep in the beautiful simplicity and wild order and begin to know.
I feel safe when I notice who you are.
Your creation sings because it's just as it should be.
It doesn't worry.
It doesn't strive.
It doesn't climb the ladder.
It just exists in this huge dance. Like everything is moving and singing for no other purpose than to be alive. It's worship.
It is because all the pieces are content to be exactly what they are.
The truest worship.
Just being fully what I am.
Sometimes I dot know if you made me or not.
But I do know that to exist is to be known by you.
Existence is personal.
It's intimate.
It's togetherness.
It's oneness with all others and you.
To be myself is to be deeply rooted and held by the past and present and all that will be.
I am not separate.
I am a little tiny piece of a great big world.
I am a moment in time.
I am a capsule of eternity.
I don't know what's wrong and what's right.
I don't know what's up and what's down.
I don't know what consciousness even is.
I don't know or understand how blood travels through my body or how my eyes can even see.
I am amazed by this great mystery.
In awe of your great work.
But all of the mystery makes decisions really hard.
I just want to sit
I'm content wherever I am because I am always in awe that I'm even here.
It's literally amazing.
I have arms.
I have legs.
I can die.
My muscles can grow stronger.
I can die.
What is death.
What is living.
I think this life is about fully being me so I can worship you fully.
I think that involves so much love.
It's like Kim and Katherine McClellan always say,
"I was made for love."
Middle School Hallway circa de 7:35am looking east towards Dresden
You show us you love us in the deepest
places. You run right to us and say "I'm yours. Your mine. That's it.
Whatever. Forever."
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Cor 13:4-7
In all that I know, and based on my tiny life experience, I'd say love sounds a lot like letting go. Letting go of ego. Letting go of control. Being honest. It reminds me of the Jesus kitchen at the rainbow gathering. It reminds me of the double rainbow you showed us. It reminds me of Stripe and Yellow. They were together and let go so one another could fully become themselves. Love preservers but it also preserves. It reminds me of the ballad of love and hate. It preserves itself and in doing so, in creating that great self respect, it also preserves the wholeness in all else. Love is self-reliant in the most generous way.
I want to be bound to somebody, but I want to be fully me forever. All that I love is all that I have to give. Love is giving myself. Love is laying down my life for my friends. Love always hopes. I don't need to understand.
I need to be.
I need to see how far I stretch.
I need to be deeply honest with myself and others.
I need to come to my ends.
I need to push myself to the brink of breaking.
I need to be loved by others and by you.
I need to love myself.
I don't right now.
I feel like I've let myself down.
I feel like I've been broken by my own decisions and by the world.
I miss my kids at Linden.
I need to know what it means to let my yes be yes and my no be no.
See all this self hate?
I keep trying to be more to be better.
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
'Wild Geese' by, Mary Oliver
I can't say what I actually want. I know I want love.
I know it's hard and beautiful and takes commitment.
I know I'm confused and scared and hopeful.
I know I am wanted.
I am just so freaked.
marriage, God?
I am so deeply afraid of marriage.
I feel it will take away my freedom
and I'm scared I will fail.
I'm scared of letting myself be abused.
I'm scared of my self slowly slipping away.
I'm scared that I'd be sacrificing other relationships that I care about.
I'm scared it's the end of exploration for me.
I won't be able to go as I please and see what happens.
I won't be able to take times of space if I need them.
I won't be able to just go or make decisions just for me.
IT'S HONESTLY SO DAMN MUCH.
I am freaked
I am freaked.
I can't do it.
I don't want to.
But sometimes I really really do.
Out here it's so much fun.
There's so much peace.
There's so much spontaneity.
There's so much gliding through the air and pushing myself and climbing higher and soaring.
I feel like seventh grade.
Finally being able to bike the neighborhood by myself.
I am a free spirit.
I am strong.
I have two feet to stand on and values That I hold to.
I don't feel strong enough to hold someone else up with me.
I don't feel ready.
I love to wander.
I love to roam.
I love to see what happens.
I'm not ready.
I love Adam.
I do.
But I don't want to lose me.
It's never just been me.
It hasn't in so long.
And I don't mean that it's all about me or there's nobody else in the world. To know myself is to understand my true and real connection to all other people and the world and to you God.
ugh maybe I'm so wrong.
Maybe this is all fear.
I don't think so though.
I think it's time to know what I am, where I am, who you are, and all other mysteries I am still discovering.
I feel like myself.
I feel like I'm floating.
But not as much in a bad way.
breathe.
breathe in. be still.
anxiety.
energy.
momentum.
healing.
dirt.
sweat.
sun.
muscles.
growth.
death.
weeding out my heart mind soul.
this me.
defining me.
self respect.
it's important.
self reliance.
it's essential.
I need to know I can do it.
I need to know I can choose.
-Bea :)
I don't really understand myself.
This is my best attempt to express my heart.
Roots.
Columbus.
Denver.
Home.
What is home?
Is it a place?
Is it within me?
I think it's you.
Mountains are beautiful.
I feel you there,
but not because I feel first. I feel you because you are evident to all of my senses.
I feel because I just know.
I steep in the beautiful simplicity and wild order and begin to know.
I feel safe when I notice who you are.
Your creation sings because it's just as it should be.
It doesn't worry.
It doesn't strive.
It doesn't climb the ladder.
It just exists in this huge dance. Like everything is moving and singing for no other purpose than to be alive. It's worship.
It is because all the pieces are content to be exactly what they are.
The truest worship.
Just being fully what I am.
Sometimes I dot know if you made me or not.
But I do know that to exist is to be known by you.
Existence is personal.
It's intimate.
It's togetherness.
It's oneness with all others and you.
To be myself is to be deeply rooted and held by the past and present and all that will be.
I am not separate.
I am a little tiny piece of a great big world.
I am a moment in time.
I am a capsule of eternity.
I don't know what's wrong and what's right.
I don't know what's up and what's down.
I don't know what consciousness even is.
I don't know or understand how blood travels through my body or how my eyes can even see.
I am amazed by this great mystery.
In awe of your great work.
But all of the mystery makes decisions really hard.
I just want to sit
I'm content wherever I am because I am always in awe that I'm even here.
It's literally amazing.
I have arms.
I have legs.
I can die.
My muscles can grow stronger.
I can die.
What is death.
What is living.
I think this life is about fully being me so I can worship you fully.
I think that involves so much love.
It's like Kim and Katherine McClellan always say,
"I was made for love."
Middle School Hallway circa de 7:35am looking east towards Dresden
You show us you love us in the deepest
places. You run right to us and say "I'm yours. Your mine. That's it.
Whatever. Forever."
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Cor 13:4-7
In all that I know, and based on my tiny life experience, I'd say love sounds a lot like letting go. Letting go of ego. Letting go of control. Being honest. It reminds me of the Jesus kitchen at the rainbow gathering. It reminds me of the double rainbow you showed us. It reminds me of Stripe and Yellow. They were together and let go so one another could fully become themselves. Love preservers but it also preserves. It reminds me of the ballad of love and hate. It preserves itself and in doing so, in creating that great self respect, it also preserves the wholeness in all else. Love is self-reliant in the most generous way.
I want to be bound to somebody, but I want to be fully me forever. All that I love is all that I have to give. Love is giving myself. Love is laying down my life for my friends. Love always hopes. I don't need to understand.
I need to be.
I need to see how far I stretch.
I need to be deeply honest with myself and others.
I need to come to my ends.
I need to push myself to the brink of breaking.
I need to be loved by others and by you.
I need to love myself.
I don't right now.
I feel like I've let myself down.
I feel like I've been broken by my own decisions and by the world.
I miss my kids at Linden.
I need to know what it means to let my yes be yes and my no be no.
See all this self hate?
I keep trying to be more to be better.
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
'Wild Geese' by, Mary Oliver
I can't say what I actually want. I know I want love.
I know it's hard and beautiful and takes commitment.
I know I'm confused and scared and hopeful.
I know I am wanted.
I am just so freaked.
marriage, God?
I am so deeply afraid of marriage.
I feel it will take away my freedom
and I'm scared I will fail.
I'm scared of letting myself be abused.
I'm scared of my self slowly slipping away.
I'm scared that I'd be sacrificing other relationships that I care about.
I'm scared it's the end of exploration for me.
I won't be able to go as I please and see what happens.
I won't be able to take times of space if I need them.
I won't be able to just go or make decisions just for me.
IT'S HONESTLY SO DAMN MUCH.
I am freaked
I am freaked.
I can't do it.
I don't want to.
But sometimes I really really do.
Out here it's so much fun.
There's so much peace.
There's so much spontaneity.
There's so much gliding through the air and pushing myself and climbing higher and soaring.
I feel like seventh grade.
Finally being able to bike the neighborhood by myself.
I am a free spirit.
I am strong.
I have two feet to stand on and values That I hold to.
I don't feel strong enough to hold someone else up with me.
I don't feel ready.
I love to wander.
I love to roam.
I love to see what happens.
I'm not ready.
I love Adam.
I do.
But I don't want to lose me.
It's never just been me.
It hasn't in so long.
And I don't mean that it's all about me or there's nobody else in the world. To know myself is to understand my true and real connection to all other people and the world and to you God.
ugh maybe I'm so wrong.
Maybe this is all fear.
I don't think so though.
I think it's time to know what I am, where I am, who you are, and all other mysteries I am still discovering.
I feel like myself.
I feel like I'm floating.
But not as much in a bad way.
breathe.
breathe in. be still.
anxiety.
energy.
momentum.
healing.
dirt.
sweat.
sun.
muscles.
growth.
death.
weeding out my heart mind soul.
this me.
defining me.
self respect.
it's important.
self reliance.
it's essential.
I need to know I can do it.
I need to know I can choose.
-Bea :)