Well my brokenness showed a whole new level last night. I can't talk to Bea about it. She hung up on me last night. She doesn't feel safe right now. I can't talk to anyone about it. So Here I am again this place, the only place I can express myself truly.
I'm just going to vent some stuff I know this is my fear talking. I know this is my brokenness, I hate this is how I feel but It is honest and if I don't express it to you God I may express it to her and my brokenness could ruin everything.
I love Bea and I don't think she loves me.
I drove her to Pittsburg and back for Brooke's birthday. I paid for everyone's tabs. I got home very late and exhausted that night, then I managed to get up and put in a full day of work. I loved that drive and I loved seeing Brooke
We both drove to Missouri to meet up, I paid for the cabin and I paid for her gas. I got home after 2:30 woke up Monday put in a full day of work then night classes afterwards. That was one of my favorite weekends.
I lied to my boss to take a day off to go hiking with her. We never stopped talking. She gets me like no other.
I helped her load up her moving truck. I worked very hard and very long that day. I didn't want her to leave but I want her to be free so I helped dig my own grave.
I helped her mom drop off her rental car and I drove her to pick up the moving truck.
I was late to work nearly every day those two weeks in June staying with her. The perfect way to start every day.
She talked constantly about marriage, getting pregnant, and wanting a little house for our little life. It was the exact dream I want for my one short life.
I sat and wrote down all of her pros and cons about staying in Denver or moving back. I wanted so badly to sway her choices but I wrote the lists and I made the flow chart.
I have all of her high school and college art hanging in my room.
I pull up pictures of her at the bar and gush about her to drunk strangers.
I emailed Hattie to try and understand and mend that friendship because her friends are important to me.
I've been completely open and honest with her this time. I haven't gotten angry. I haven't performed. I've shown her exactly how scared I am but how much I want to be with her.
I've been trying to save as many days off as I can this year in preparation to use during my field experience. I've used one for that Monday of hiking and another for this Friday with her. It's how I'd love to spend every day off I get in my life.
I have been putting myself out there for 6 weeks now. She's had 6 weeks of me and it has been the best ever.
It isn't like I'm asking for marriage right now. Hell I'm not even asking to make this official yet even after 6 weeks of me hanging here in this place. But she still wants more distance from me. She still wants to push me away. two time zones and only facetime with me when she has a free minute and she still wants distance...
She keeps going back and forth each time we talk. She says she missed Columbus and can't wait to go home then she says she wants to stay and give Denver a shot. I do my best to be with her while she flips back and forth. I'm trying to stay strong and supportive but it's hard when she made the pros and cons chart choice but then talks about some preschool director position.
Last night was one of the worst nights of my life. I laid in bed wide awake I watched three cartoon movies trying to turn my brain off, nothing worked.
I'm not eating
I'm not sleeping
I'm snapping at the children in my class
I have so much work for grad school
I stay up so much later than I'd like in hopes I get to facetime with her
But she spends her time hiking and camping, she spends her time getting drinks at breweries, or hammocks with the best views. And she struggles to find time to call me.
Last night she hung up on me while I was exposing my brokenness while I was showing my wounds...she hung up. She felt completely unsafe. I put myself out there and she saw how ugly I can be and she ran.
I'm trying to hang in here God. I want this. I'm tired of running. I love this woman. But God it feels like I'm carrying the whole load. If feels like she's begging for space as I'm doing everything just to get a snapchat from her.
I'm afraid. Does she love me? Does she really?
What happened to the marriage and the little house dreams.
Today marks the one month mark since she left.
Only 1 month.
I can't keep living like this.
My school work is suffering.
My health is suffering.
My job is suffering.
I'm exhausted.
Is she just as scared? Is she just as in love?
How can we ever know these things without putting ourselves completely out there.
Here I am, I am out here and I have been for 6 weeks. I have not commitment from her and she's asking for more space.
All of these things I did because I love her. They were not difficult choices I did them freely and willingly. I feel guilty that it feels like I am keeping score. I know this is my brokenness and my fear.
I don't know how much longer I can live like this. I just want her to want me.
She's flying in Thursday night and it feels like she's going to break up with me but she won't even commit so there isn't anything to end technically. She's going to want space. Her roots will grow deeper in Denver, and she will be gone. I'll lose her forever.
I wish she wanted this. I'm so afraid God. I'm so afraid. I'm all in. I am all in and she is so uncertain.
She doesn't feel safe anymore and I'm trying to keep my trust alive.
I'm trying
I'm risking
I'm so scared.
But I won't run.
I knew my wounds would surface.
I knew I would get ugly.
I'm not running.
I know I can't keep this up but I can't quit either.
I love her and I won't let fear control me.
She says she misses me.
She says she loves me.
She says she wants to come home.
I will choose to trust her.
Help me God to keep sticking out here. To keep risking. To keep loving.
I love her so much God.
I'm trying.
Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen
I'm just going to vent some stuff I know this is my fear talking. I know this is my brokenness, I hate this is how I feel but It is honest and if I don't express it to you God I may express it to her and my brokenness could ruin everything.
I love Bea and I don't think she loves me.
I drove her to Pittsburg and back for Brooke's birthday. I paid for everyone's tabs. I got home very late and exhausted that night, then I managed to get up and put in a full day of work. I loved that drive and I loved seeing Brooke
We both drove to Missouri to meet up, I paid for the cabin and I paid for her gas. I got home after 2:30 woke up Monday put in a full day of work then night classes afterwards. That was one of my favorite weekends.
I lied to my boss to take a day off to go hiking with her. We never stopped talking. She gets me like no other.
I helped her load up her moving truck. I worked very hard and very long that day. I didn't want her to leave but I want her to be free so I helped dig my own grave.
I helped her mom drop off her rental car and I drove her to pick up the moving truck.
I was late to work nearly every day those two weeks in June staying with her. The perfect way to start every day.
She talked constantly about marriage, getting pregnant, and wanting a little house for our little life. It was the exact dream I want for my one short life.
I sat and wrote down all of her pros and cons about staying in Denver or moving back. I wanted so badly to sway her choices but I wrote the lists and I made the flow chart.
I have all of her high school and college art hanging in my room.
I pull up pictures of her at the bar and gush about her to drunk strangers.
I emailed Hattie to try and understand and mend that friendship because her friends are important to me.
I've been completely open and honest with her this time. I haven't gotten angry. I haven't performed. I've shown her exactly how scared I am but how much I want to be with her.
I've been trying to save as many days off as I can this year in preparation to use during my field experience. I've used one for that Monday of hiking and another for this Friday with her. It's how I'd love to spend every day off I get in my life.
I have been putting myself out there for 6 weeks now. She's had 6 weeks of me and it has been the best ever.
It isn't like I'm asking for marriage right now. Hell I'm not even asking to make this official yet even after 6 weeks of me hanging here in this place. But she still wants more distance from me. She still wants to push me away. two time zones and only facetime with me when she has a free minute and she still wants distance...
She keeps going back and forth each time we talk. She says she missed Columbus and can't wait to go home then she says she wants to stay and give Denver a shot. I do my best to be with her while she flips back and forth. I'm trying to stay strong and supportive but it's hard when she made the pros and cons chart choice but then talks about some preschool director position.
Last night was one of the worst nights of my life. I laid in bed wide awake I watched three cartoon movies trying to turn my brain off, nothing worked.
I'm not eating
I'm not sleeping
I'm snapping at the children in my class
I have so much work for grad school
I stay up so much later than I'd like in hopes I get to facetime with her
But she spends her time hiking and camping, she spends her time getting drinks at breweries, or hammocks with the best views. And she struggles to find time to call me.
Last night she hung up on me while I was exposing my brokenness while I was showing my wounds...she hung up. She felt completely unsafe. I put myself out there and she saw how ugly I can be and she ran.
I'm trying to hang in here God. I want this. I'm tired of running. I love this woman. But God it feels like I'm carrying the whole load. If feels like she's begging for space as I'm doing everything just to get a snapchat from her.
I'm afraid. Does she love me? Does she really?
What happened to the marriage and the little house dreams.
Today marks the one month mark since she left.
Only 1 month.
I can't keep living like this.
My school work is suffering.
My health is suffering.
My job is suffering.
I'm exhausted.
Is she just as scared? Is she just as in love?
How can we ever know these things without putting ourselves completely out there.
Here I am, I am out here and I have been for 6 weeks. I have not commitment from her and she's asking for more space.
All of these things I did because I love her. They were not difficult choices I did them freely and willingly. I feel guilty that it feels like I am keeping score. I know this is my brokenness and my fear.
I don't know how much longer I can live like this. I just want her to want me.
She's flying in Thursday night and it feels like she's going to break up with me but she won't even commit so there isn't anything to end technically. She's going to want space. Her roots will grow deeper in Denver, and she will be gone. I'll lose her forever.
I wish she wanted this. I'm so afraid God. I'm so afraid. I'm all in. I am all in and she is so uncertain.
She doesn't feel safe anymore and I'm trying to keep my trust alive.
I'm trying
I'm risking
I'm so scared.
But I won't run.
I knew my wounds would surface.
I knew I would get ugly.
I'm not running.
I know I can't keep this up but I can't quit either.
I love her and I won't let fear control me.
She says she misses me.
She says she loves me.
She says she wants to come home.
I will choose to trust her.
Help me God to keep sticking out here. To keep risking. To keep loving.
I love her so much God.
I'm trying.
Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen