Hey Bea,
I know you know I make everything into a thing. I’m sorry. I know one of my greatest strengths is that I care a lot and the little things in life matter to me. This is, of course, one of my greatest weaknesses my mind takes me places always and I can’t get out of my own head sometimes. I think way too much. So I know you’ve been talking about needing your time and I’ve thought and I’ve talked to God about this situation. I have already expressed my reasons why I don’t like it but for the sake of refreshing and given more time to organize my thoughts here they are again:
You living two time zones away already feels like there is way too much space.
We are not dating yet so again I already feel the space through commitment.
I think what we have is really rare, and it’s really good. I know I’ve messed up in the past and that has caused us time apart but this time it feels like I’m losing my best friend for no good reason other than the sake of losing you.
Once this season of yours is over I’m not sure how we would start things back up. I’m not sure how I will feel after you choose to walk away from what we have only to pick it back up in however long you want. I’m trying to imagine you talking to me again saying, “ok I’ve had my time now I’m ready for you” and how that will make me feel. Obviously I’d be happy to get to be with you and talk to you again but the reason for the distance seems unnecessary.
I think it is this unnecessity that hurts the most. It makes me feel like I am holding you back. It makes me feel as though I am not healthy for you. It doesn’t make me feel desired, loved.
I know you feel messy but If you tarry till you’re better, you will never come at all.
The question keeps coming to my mind “is snapchatting and facetiming me a couple times a day really that bad? Is the thought of taking time away from talking to me and sharing with me that enticing?”
What if you forget how good it is when we are together? What if something begins to grow with another person out there and you begin to wonder what it would be like if you explored that path rather than come back to me? How could I live with myself knowing I willingly allowed you to walk out of my life? In the past it was my brokenness, it was my mistakes that caused us to be apart but now everything is so good and finally I am doing this, not perfect, but honestly. How can I and why would I risk this?
People always say if you love something let it go and if it comes back then it’s meant to be. Well Bea I have let you go far more times than I am proud and that I’d ever like to admit. And this last time when I made that same mistake I thought I lost you forever. Those eight months were long, regretful, and difficult. But you came back. How rare, why would I EVER risk losing what I now know that I have.
Dawes songs in the car
Dinners at the pantry
Wendell Berry on the porch
Gardening in the city
Candles by the bed
Coffee in the morning
Grey’s anatomy at night
Road trips everywhere
Why would I ever let that slip away from me. Who knows how long I have to live on this pale blue dot and I’ve already wasted enough of it being afraid of messing things up with you.
Well Bea that’s it. Those are all my fears. It hurts and confuses me that you want time away from me willingly. BUT I just want you to be free Bea. It’s what I have always wanted. Bea you have told me you love me more than I love you. You have told me you want to marry me. You have told me you miss me. You have told me you’re coming home. I trust you Bea. I’m not sure if you know what a terrifying thing that is for me to do but I do. I trust you Bea. I trust the things you’ve said to me. And I trust that you can make the best decisions for yourself. I probably trust your decision making skills more than you yourself do. :P So you are educated on my lens, you have all the information and you know I will wait for you as long as it takes. I don’t want anyone else and I love you so much. So do what you want and know that you can always turn back to the trial head of any path. I learned that after making the worst decision of my life last fall :)
Do what you love, because that’s what you have to give to the world.
It is for freedom that we are set free.
I'm yours and that's it, whatever.
I should not have been gone for so long.
I'm yours and that's it, forever.
Love,
Adam
Well God that's the letter I wrote her. Now we sit and wait. God I know you have brought her back to me so many times and I am so grateful for that. Please once more. I love this woman and I know you know this. Once more. It has been so good seeing my wounds surface this past month and things have been great with her. It hurts she wants to be away from me. I pray that she realizes she doesn't but if she must for whatever reason...I pray You bring her back please once more.
I know you know I make everything into a thing. I’m sorry. I know one of my greatest strengths is that I care a lot and the little things in life matter to me. This is, of course, one of my greatest weaknesses my mind takes me places always and I can’t get out of my own head sometimes. I think way too much. So I know you’ve been talking about needing your time and I’ve thought and I’ve talked to God about this situation. I have already expressed my reasons why I don’t like it but for the sake of refreshing and given more time to organize my thoughts here they are again:
You living two time zones away already feels like there is way too much space.
We are not dating yet so again I already feel the space through commitment.
I think what we have is really rare, and it’s really good. I know I’ve messed up in the past and that has caused us time apart but this time it feels like I’m losing my best friend for no good reason other than the sake of losing you.
Once this season of yours is over I’m not sure how we would start things back up. I’m not sure how I will feel after you choose to walk away from what we have only to pick it back up in however long you want. I’m trying to imagine you talking to me again saying, “ok I’ve had my time now I’m ready for you” and how that will make me feel. Obviously I’d be happy to get to be with you and talk to you again but the reason for the distance seems unnecessary.
I think it is this unnecessity that hurts the most. It makes me feel like I am holding you back. It makes me feel as though I am not healthy for you. It doesn’t make me feel desired, loved.
I know you feel messy but If you tarry till you’re better, you will never come at all.
The question keeps coming to my mind “is snapchatting and facetiming me a couple times a day really that bad? Is the thought of taking time away from talking to me and sharing with me that enticing?”
What if you forget how good it is when we are together? What if something begins to grow with another person out there and you begin to wonder what it would be like if you explored that path rather than come back to me? How could I live with myself knowing I willingly allowed you to walk out of my life? In the past it was my brokenness, it was my mistakes that caused us to be apart but now everything is so good and finally I am doing this, not perfect, but honestly. How can I and why would I risk this?
People always say if you love something let it go and if it comes back then it’s meant to be. Well Bea I have let you go far more times than I am proud and that I’d ever like to admit. And this last time when I made that same mistake I thought I lost you forever. Those eight months were long, regretful, and difficult. But you came back. How rare, why would I EVER risk losing what I now know that I have.
Dawes songs in the car
Dinners at the pantry
Wendell Berry on the porch
Gardening in the city
Candles by the bed
Coffee in the morning
Grey’s anatomy at night
Road trips everywhere
Why would I ever let that slip away from me. Who knows how long I have to live on this pale blue dot and I’ve already wasted enough of it being afraid of messing things up with you.
Well Bea that’s it. Those are all my fears. It hurts and confuses me that you want time away from me willingly. BUT I just want you to be free Bea. It’s what I have always wanted. Bea you have told me you love me more than I love you. You have told me you want to marry me. You have told me you miss me. You have told me you’re coming home. I trust you Bea. I’m not sure if you know what a terrifying thing that is for me to do but I do. I trust you Bea. I trust the things you’ve said to me. And I trust that you can make the best decisions for yourself. I probably trust your decision making skills more than you yourself do. :P So you are educated on my lens, you have all the information and you know I will wait for you as long as it takes. I don’t want anyone else and I love you so much. So do what you want and know that you can always turn back to the trial head of any path. I learned that after making the worst decision of my life last fall :)
Do what you love, because that’s what you have to give to the world.
It is for freedom that we are set free.
I'm yours and that's it, whatever.
I should not have been gone for so long.
I'm yours and that's it, forever.
Love,
Adam
Well God that's the letter I wrote her. Now we sit and wait. God I know you have brought her back to me so many times and I am so grateful for that. Please once more. I love this woman and I know you know this. Once more. It has been so good seeing my wounds surface this past month and things have been great with her. It hurts she wants to be away from me. I pray that she realizes she doesn't but if she must for whatever reason...I pray You bring her back please once more.