But there is a great difference between Adam’s sin and God’s gracious gift. For the sin of this one man, Adam, brought death to many. But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of forgiveness to many through this other man, Jesus Christ.
-Romans 5:15
When this posts I'll be in Peru, breathed Machu Picchu, Christmas spent with my family and Tem's, living in the Cupboard on Hubbard.
On the precipice of another year. I want to write but I don't have words where are my words? Why don't I have my words? I've been searching for some time now but they don't seem to come. I will find them in 2019. I will create the space, give the sky to, not harness them, but allow them to come and go, to flow, to visit and adieu.
When someone turns 21 the last thing on their mind is how close to 30 they are getting. They are too busy living their life, experiencing, exploring, learning, failing, growing, being.
When someone turns 31 the mind begins the count down to 40, which is the stop before 50 which leads to senior citizenship of 60. I begin to consider my time on the planet. When Trump is reelected, I'll be 37 before I see a new president. I'll be 39 when the Olympics are in Los Angeles. Time becomes measured by the years I have with youth, mobility. How many mountains around the world can I scale before these knees give?
The five year swing, I was 26 and I will be 36.
How do I want to live with this little amount of time? Where do I want to invest it? What do I want to build? Will it be worth pride and dignity?
These are the new questions and thoughts the 31 year old has gained that the 21 year old assumed the mature version would figure out. But at 31 you start to sink into the reality of your career and the income that accompanies it. 44k spending how much of it, will allow the savings of how much of it, to allow what kind of lifestyle after retirement? What kind of property could I invest in and where? Money begins to spend easier and easier and the worry free idea of more money to come with age solidifies into the realization of your median yearly income.
This decade, the 30s, is a defining decade and I'm already in my second year.
I want to write but I still can't seem to find the space.
The kind of space I use to have to allow my mind to wander, to digest, to brood.
Why do I feel so busy? What am I doing with my time and where is it going?
And when the hell did I all the sudden become 31?!
2019 I will force myself to carve out time.
Time to sit, time to be.
I've just turned 31. Thirty was a pretty packed year. I started it in Cincinnati with Alan and Tem after driving back from Asheville. Then I visited Brian in Seattle with the boys in March. I went from New Mexico up to Montana in June. The beach trip with Brian and Travis in July, and I went to Iceland with Tem later in the month. Early August I met Tem's sisters in San Diego and my second year of teaching started. I moved out from the Deutschland domicile and in with Tem. First time I hadn't living with Travis since 2012 I think. In a couple weeks Tem and I will be heading to Peru.
Things I'm doing now:
Most recently Tem got me an Xbox One so I've been playing Fortnite with Alan and Brian...a lot. Reading 30 year old Adam's letter, he'd be happy to know I have yet to fuck things up with Tem. We are still together, although the past couple months have been bumpier than the initial 12. I've been hitting that Ashland debt just as aggressively as 30 year old Adam and I know (I think) that you are completely debt free as you read this letter now 32 year old Adam (unless you're making car payments, which I'm ok with) This year I am not staying nearly as late at the school as I did last year. I'm worried that my kids won't do as well on the test because I'm leaving earlier. So we will see if 30 year old Adam did enough of the ground work for me and you to have our evenings away from the school. Currently I'm about to move into my own apartment in the Short North. It's about the size of a shoe box but it only costs $690 a month. I know 28 year old Adam would kill me knowing he use to pay less than half of that for rent. My days are spent teaching, and attempting to recharge my bank account from all the summer traveling, debt payments, and preparing for the Peru trip. This year I learned how to play chess. Although I'm not great at it, I know how. I still have the iPhone SE (rose gold) and the 02 Civic. When should we just give up on the dream of playing guitar? We've been hoping you're doing it for at least four years. I am going to the gym three times a week like I planned. Tuesday, Thursday, Friday. I know you've continued that as well. This is our only body we get. Need to take care of it. I know 30 year old Adam warned me to balance work friends and Tem but I haven't done the best with the friends category. I do need to get better at that. I did not garden this year, in fact I think I might be done with that plot, but I'm not against another garden spot. I tried the classroom plants and they all died because of a lack of sunlight. We did do Iceland and in a couple weeks we can cross Machu Picchu off the list also. I'm not sure how many of the 100 books I read this year but I'm confident it was more than 5, thanks to the audio books on my road trip. I haven't figured out the science and social studies aspect just yet. And I did cut the manbun but it turns out 30 year old Adam was wrong and I hope as you are reading this now it is safely back on top of your head. I am not watching the 1pm games because the NFL is a trash organization. I wish they'd improve because I do miss football and the social aspects that come with it.
Things I hope you're doing:
I hope as you are reading this you have been debt free for about 5 months. I hope you're in the process of moving back in with Tem in her incredible condo downtown. I hope you got your shit together with all this intimacy and family stuff. We aren't getting any younger here Adam and what the fuck more do you want than Tem? She's perfect just as 30 year old Adam said. I hope you visit Brian during Spring break. I hope you camped all over the Pacific Northwest in June and...I don't know climbed Kilimanjaro in July. I'm not really sure where I want you to go in July. I hope you and Tem figure that out and love seeing a new part of this incredible planet. I hope the beach trip tradition survived another year. I hope you're about to pass year three of the RE program and actually get that teaching license. I hope you have a different car. I won't say new because we both know there's no reason or way you'd ever buy new. I actually do kinda hope you're playing the guitar. I know I shouldn't say it, but I do kinda want you to. I also hope you did a better job writing on here than I did this year. I hope you're cooking meals more now that the student loans are gone. You cheap ass, spend some money on nutrition. What good is all the working out if you're fueling our body with ice cream and pizza? I hope you're taking care of your skin. I hope you have a new iPhone. Have you given any thought about finishing the Master's degree? I know we just got out of debt, but the sooner we get it over with the sooner we can make more per paycheck. No pressure, just something to at least consider telling 33 year old Adam to look into. Most importantly, I hope you aren't telling yourself you're old. What I mean is, I hope you haven't stopped doing things you like because you think you're past it. Once we start down that mentality life is going to get a lot more boring. Adam, listen to me. You're not old yet. I know I'm a year younger than you, but trust me. We have plenty of life left to live. Remember that guy who tried to change is age legally. He was trying to take of 20 years...think about that Adam...20 years...The dude was acting like two decades was nothing to him. And he was trying to say he was only 50...50, like that's a young age where he can live is life the way he wants...so if 50 is young what the fuck is 32? ...exactly. And calm down about where you are in life. Yeah we aren't living in some fancy apartment downtown but we also aren't living on the street. You're doing great. One day at a time and if you're that worried about it just order the cheapest meal on the menu when you go out and nurse that PBR. You'll be fine. I love you Adam, now please enjoy your 32nd year.
Things I've learned since turning 30:
I learned that you don't know how easy a relationship can be until you find someone it's really easy to be in a relationship with. Tem and I started "officially" dating on March 3rd. I use quotation marks because we have been dating since September, if not August but it wasn't voiced until that day in March. Things with Tem have been near perfect. We struggle with communication. She struggles to speak up with suggestions and her needs and I struggle to map out structured time frames and itineraries. I also struggle in expressing how much she means to me in a way that is impactful to her. This winter has been selling season for her which means she's flown and traveled all over the country in a way we have been long distance or at least weekday long distance. She has expressed many times how much a phone call or a text could help her to know how much I value her and although I have plenty of excuses the reality of the situation is that I suck and I need to get better at setting aside time to call to let her know how much she means to me. I just got back from Seattle with the guys. I called her once on that trip it wasn't a long talk and I feel like I could have done better but it's a struggle for me and it's a work in progress. Finished my third quarter of my first year of teaching. The long nights seem to be getting shorter and shorter at work. It was almost as if my time spent at work was in step with the shortening and growing of daylight in the season. This first quarter of 2018 has been very good but I'm ready for the weather to warm up and most importantly I'm ready for the sun to come back. I need that star's light and heat to illuminate and warm my city and my soul. (April 4th [because I forgot to write on the first day of spring]) School ended and with it my first year of teaching. My students did amazing on the test and I was so proud of them. I packed up my class and was finally free for my first summer of paid vacation. I headed out west for my road trip up US 89 I'd been planning for years. It was amazing came home, hit the beach with Brian and Travis and then off to Iceland with Tem. Next I'll be moving in with her. I learned I really like Tem a lot. I know I love her but...I really like her. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I learned I'm still a bit nervous about death but I'm handling 30 fairly well. I've learned this planet is so beautiful and we aren't given a whole lot of time to explore it. Or maybe we are given plenty but we spend it working and living in routines. Iceland is insane, so is all of the beauty along highway 89! I don't really have too much more to say in this season except that I'm learning keeping a journal can be hard when things are going well. It's difficult to stop and reflect. I need to be more intentional with this thing. Life is going to fly by...in fact it already has been. All the more reason to try to nail it down with words and letters. It's wild to look at these pictures of myself 88 to 98 to 08 to 18, 3 decades the pictures show how long that took but my memory seems to smash them together in a finger snap. (July 19th [because I was in Utah on first day of summer and forgot when I got home]) I spent August setting up my classroom and trying to practice waking up early. School started again. My second year of teaching. I've been living with Tem for about two months now. She said several times that I would miss and need my personal time and space...I think she might have been right. But if I miss and want my personal space...when will I ever be ready? Will I ever be? I know my mom and dad sleep in different rooms. I know my brother and his wife sleep in different rooms...I REALLY don't want that. It's not the kind of relationship I want but here I am. Tem and I went to couples counseling last week for our first session and we are about to go again this Tuesday. I've been struggling with some things. This is the longest continuous relationship I've been in without a break. We have been near each other almost EVERY day for over a year. There are two sides to that coin. 1. She is absolutely special because she makes being near her so easy and this relationship is the best I've ever had by a long shot. I love her she will be an amazing mother an incredible life partner, and a very very solid friend. 2. A part of me is nervous, the part that always runs away, the part that destroys stuff out of anxiety, feeling trapped, feeling permanence. I think I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid I'm going to make a rash decision that will cause unreversible ripples I will have to live with for the rest of my life. This feeling of wanting space, is it a temporary season that everyone goes through or is it something more? I know they say you don't always feel like loving your partner some days are harder than others, is that what this is or something else? I've never been this far before in a relationship. Am I built for long term monogamy? Is anyone or is it a choice everyone must decide if they want to make. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Where the fuck is the instruction manual? (September 30th eighth day of Autumn) I've learned a lot this trip around the sun. And like every new lap, I learned how much more I have to learn. I'm learning now that no one can tell you what you're supposed to do, there is no manual. As I said above, you're doing great. I know we are worried about become an emotionally closed off person, attempting to avoid becoming like my family. You seriously need to actively work for this goal. Adam you need to text your friends, set up and plan trips, and weekends. You need to text Tem back and call her to let her know. This stuff takes work, work we had no idea about, but I know you, I know you want your life to be filled with deep meaningful and long term relationships with the people who mean the most. We've been to some of the most beautiful places on this planet so you and I both know the best part about Earth is the people who walk it. (not literally, I just mean all the people even those who don't walk) I love you Adam. I hope this letter finds you well.
It all began with rainbow suspenders Me throwing a fit about what to wear to a wedding
Tem compromising beyond what she wanted
My mother's ability to prowl the internet too deep
My mom asked about the suspenders already knowing the answer
She responds by letting me know what a disappointment I am to her.
She asks what my address is to mail my birthday card, already conceding she had pushed her youngest son away without any sign of remorse or peace offering.
I roll with the punch and drive my rumbly car up the long cold grey path to what is left of our family Thanksgiving.
Mom
Dad
Me
The meal is served with the low commentating of the Lions game as my father says a blessing.
He mentioned my mom's mom. After amen my mom is in tears. Grandma has a potential cancerous growth around her abdomen.
Mom mentions her friend's children one addicted to substances another a lesbian.
She takes a few jabs at the Affordable Care Act and another at people fleeing California to more conservative places, Texas, Idaho. I keep my eyes low, stepping aside as the paint can swings.
This is my family now.
This is my Thanksgiving.
My dad's parents have passed away
My mom vowed to never return to the aunts and uncles Thanksgiving
Her side lives all across the country
My sister in law works this weekend postponing my brother's arrival.
No nieces or nephews
This is my life.
We finish the meal I stay to watch the lions lose despite my feelings towards the NFL and football in general, again I step over the bear trap.
I lie about living in Worthington with Travis to again avoid finding exactly which straw will finish off the camel.
How strange. Growing up I thought my family was normal, and by that I mean happy and drama free.
Now I realize my family is normal...messy, argumentative, and tensely quiet.
I've always dreamed of that Wal-mart, Hallmark, Thanksgiving day commercial family.
Smiles, laughter...and most importantly, a full house. The older I get the more I see how much work that takes, how much forgiveness, how much contact, and questions, and life.
Thinking about my mother, what an interesting woman.
She has cut herself off of her church of 30 some years
She has cut herself off of her in-laws of 36+ years
and she asked for my mailing address, assuming she'd cut herself off from her own son
and here I am, yesterday I found an apartment for myself.
Her blood runs through my veins, but I don't want her 61st Thanksgiving in 29 years.
What am I doing? What am I looking for? What is wrong with me?
Tem, she's in Mississippi, that's the kind of travel, money, time, effort her family spends to be near one another on Thanksgiving. Sister from California, Great Aunts from Mississippi. I know they have family drama, but I also know their Thanksgiving table is full.
She expects, texts back, phone calls, snapchats, ig comments, facetimes, she comes from a family.
I spend my Thanksgiving night alone, relieved I was able to slink away back to Columbus. She wants more life together. And I'm moving out, cutting myself off, becoming my mother?
I've been watching this Netflix miniseries 'The Staircase'
I usually don't exactly fall for the crime dramas. The serial season 1 podcast seemed thin and biased, I've heard the same for the show making a murderer. And honestly I thought the same about this series. I saw the blood and of course no one is going to admit they murdered someone.
But then I started thinking what if he actually is innocent. His story goes like this: He and his wife were drinking wine and talking by their pool. She went in to go to bed he stayed by the pool. Later when he went to go to bed he found her in a pile of her own blood by the stairs and called the police.
Whether he murdered his wife or not wouldn't surprise me either way...
But I kept trying to imagine...what if his story is 100% true?
What if I were a 58 year old husband and dad sitting by my own pool near my own home and I went to go to bed and found my wife bloody and dead at the bottom of the stairs? Then all of the sudden I'm stuck in a trial and court dates for two years. I believe there was an estimate in the show mentioning $300,000 for his legal fees. First I lose my wife. Then the world thinks I killed her. Then two years of my life is spent attempting to prove I'm innocent, and it costs me 300k. Then 12 unprofessional strangers look at what two lawyers said about me and make a decision. They give me life in prison with no parole two weeks before I turn 60.
Seven years later when I'm 67 years old the attorney general does an investigation on one of the principal witnesses against me and his investigation research on bloodstain analysis and finds his work awful sloppy and corrupt. Another year goes by and I'm offered a retrial, released from jail on $300,000 bail and placed under house arrest with a tracking anklet. I'm now 68 and I've lost over a half a million dollars.
5 years later I'm 73 years old before the trial was scheduled to start completely over and potentially last another two years my attorney works out a plea deal and I am finally free. Less than a week ago Michael Peterson turned 75.
One day I'm a 58 year old wealthy author sitting by my pool chatting with my wife
In an instant I'm a 75 year old widower and bankrupt.
I missed my grand kids being born, I missed my children's weddings, and I lost my wife.
I'm not saying this guy did or didn't kill his wife...what I am saying is if he didn't this is a sad, sad story.
As I watched episode after episode I noticed one thing, Peterson's family, his brother and his children, were behind him the whole way. They sat in the courtroom through the trial, through the appeal hearings, through it all. They visited him behind thick glass, They supported and shared their lives with him.
Without family, who would be there for him?
Damn I want kids. I want grand kids.
At any moment the police could show up to anyone's door. A hair left on a shirt at a store bought by a murderer, tire treads left on a street later turned crime scene, my dna any number of ways spread all throughout this city...no one is safe and the next thing you know, your freedom is in the hands of some lawyer who may or may not care about the case and 12 strangers pulled off the street.
This is so strange, such a strange world. I wish we had a way of knowing. A 100% true and real lie detector. How many people sit in jail cells this morning completely innocent? How many people sit in their own homes completely guilty?
Tem and I have been dragging through. We've been driving this thing on fumes. We both know how rare this is. We've dated before. We know having something that works this perfectly is probably a once in a lifetime sort of thing. But our tank is low and the lights been on.
The trip has been beautiful and difficult at times but oh so beautiful. I'm not sure I'm ready for it to end. We need to refuel but I don't know how. We took a swing at a counselor but she proved more confused than us. So we press on with cruise control set both leaning over the dash for what's on the horizon.
We need supplies, we need the gear. I think we both know we can put in the work. I think we both know we have the patience and the desire...but the instruction manual isn't in the box.
I can work on my side. But what if it isn't all on my end. I know we both brought our baggage but she hasn't even touched hers, left it under the seat hoping it would unpack itself.
It's been a long year. In some areas we have grown so much grown together, shared many things, learned, and definitely laughed. But in other places the wheels just spin looking like motion but remaining, spinning.
She told me she always cheats, she told me she jumps from one relationship to the next... can she unpack this bag with me on the trip beside her? Or is there where we part is this something she can only do on her own...
What then? End something rare and beautiful losing it forever...or continue to coast on E hoping for a rest station to continue this incredible amazing adventure?
She says we are REALLY different. I think that can be a good thing...is it?
Enneagram Type Seven The Enthusiast
But I want to be here
Truly. Be. Here
To watch the ones that I love bloom
And I want to make room
To love them through and through and through
And through the slow and barren seasons too
Iceland ✓
New Zealand
Peru ✓
Australia
Tanzania
St. Petersburg
Mumbai
Ghana
Calgary
Tokoyo
Brazil
Danxia landform
Croatia
Greece
Morocco
Thailand
French Polynesia
Mexico
Canada
Costa Rica
If we went to two a year we would finish our list in 2027 and I'd turn 40 before the last trip over winter break.
She's scheduled to be out of town every weekend in October. She wants to give me space to figure out what the fuck I'm doing with my life.
What the fuck am I doing with my life?
Tem is so great. I feel like I keep saying the same things over and over about her but I think I still don't realize how rare and incredible she is. I'm trying to sort out my life and she isn't mad, she offers space. We have an issue we talk about it respectfully. I don't know what else I want. She's beautiful, she's fun, She's willing to do whatever I want whether that be camping in Iceland or watching the Wire.
Kavanaugh was confirmed by the Senate to the Supreme court last week. I remember telling Brian while we were in Chicago in December all politicians are the same. They all say whatever to get votes and once in office they talk a lot and don't impact my life. Thanks to that conversation with Brian (and Tem later) I was able to see how privileged and dangerous that viewpoint is. And now with Trump in office putting people like Kavanaugh on the supreme court bench until he dies I see how dangerous that view is.
It's easy to understand why half the country doesn't vote. What does it matter? Both candidates suck at any level of public office and it's just one vote. So half of our country stays silent.
And in that silence sexual abusers now have the power to overturn Roe v Wade, to overturn marriage equality, to overturn any supreme court ruling from the past.
Again none of this stuff would impact my life in anyway but I can't imagine how scary this must seem to people who's lives it does impact, women and the gay community.
America
we talk of freedom like we know what it is and we have the corner market on freedom.
Live and let live
You're welcome to do and live however you feel.
Your personal liberty to swing your arm ends where my nose begins.
I love this quote and I believe in it deeply. Your personal freedom to have an abortion in no way affects where my nose begins so in the land of the free you should be allowed to do what you please with your body. Your personal freedom to marry a consenting adult of any gender in no way affects where my nose begins so again live free. Your personal freedom to smoke whatever you'd like in no way affects my nose so again do as you please. Drinking in public does not affect me so again do as you please.
If at anytime any of these freedoms encroaches upon another's individual freedom we have a police force in this nation that is sworn to protect and serve if anyone becomes violent while under the influence or not...there will be consequences but by no means should the population of the whole be prohibited to live freely because of the irresponsibility of the few.
The direction this country is heading (backwards) is scary.
I keep hearing about this "blue wave" that is suppose to restore the balance in our two party system republic...but after November of 2016 I have little hope for such a thing. I think America is showing it's true colors and I think it saddens me and worries me.
But you better believe come this election day or any other I will blindly and earnestly vote blue not for the betterment of myself but for those who's freedoms might be stripped of them.
The supreme court already ruled a few years ago the Voting Rights Act of 1965 is no longer relevant...
We never fight.
We are around each other all the time.
Things should be perfect.
But something is wrong
something is off
it's me
I don't know what it is, but it's on my end.
I think back to all my previous autumns.
2017 Tem and I started seeing each other
2016 June Kelly Moved to Colorado
2015 September Kelly and I broke up
2014 Year of the beard
2013 October Kelly and I broke up
2012 August Kelly and I broke up
2011 October Whitney and I broke up
The past seven Autumns 4 of them my relationships ended. One of them I spent soul searching because the past three years I had ended relationships in the fall only to have the following year continue the pattern.
Am I built for a long term relationship?
My parents sleeping in different rooms
my brother following suit
and myself trying to break the cycle
...trying
I'm going to be 31 in less than two months
While struggling with this relationship stuff all through my 20s I really assumed I'd get my shit together
I'm about to start my second year in my 30s and this feeling this urge to run is beginning to grow.
Let's say I do, let's say I end this and run...then what?
What do I want? What would I be looking for?
Tem checks every box I could possibly want checked...and some I didn't know I wanted checked.
Have I forgotten the tinder years of 2016 and 2017? The terrible dates, the intimacy lacking sex, the shallow conversations
Tem is what I've been looking for. She is everything I want.
And the best part about it is she likes me too.
Why is this happening?
I love Tem
I want to travel the world with her
I want to raise children with her
But recently all I can think about is wanting space...
and I'm ashamed to admit that
and I don't want to want that
Tem and I are so good together I don't even think we realize how good we are together.
I think it's so natural and so simple that we don't even see or appreciate how rare what we have is.
Meanwhile as I am struggling through my shit Tem keeps promising herself she will not be sad in a relationship again.
As I sit with her talking about my confused immature ass, tears roll down her face as she professes her mantra, "I will not be sad in a relationship again"
Is it selfish to try and sort this out?
How do I go back to October 2017 feels?
Is she sad with me?
How do we meet each other's needs while at the same time making sure our own needs are being met?
What the hell are my needs?
Do I really want what I've always thought I wanted?
Do I want kids?
Do I want a long term relationship?
What do I even know about either of these things?
What do I know about what it takes to have these things?
Anyway, I figured I'd post that now before I forget it.
Yesterday morning was the first Saturday in a minute I had a long slow early morning. I woke up made one of my water lattes and began to read some of Charles Dickens' David Copperfield. Afterwards I had some time to myself to sit down and express myself through writing. This is the aforementioned writings:
I have just finished my third week of my second year of teaching. This year has been going much much smoother and I think there may be many factors that play a part.
1. this isn't my first year so I understand how many parts of the machine work and I have last year's papers and homework packets
2. the middle school students are now on the high school schedule which means 6,7,and 8th grade aren't in the cafeteria and bus dismissal.
3. Pollard is our principal this year
4. These students had preK across the pod last year
This week we will be administering the beginning of the year test and I'm very interested to see my students' scores.
At home I am absolutely loving getting to live with Tem. Cuddling at night and seeing her every day after work is amazing. I'm currently trying to recharge my bank account after the June West trip and the July Iceland trip. Last week I had to put $430 into my car but other than that the recharge has been a slow but sure process. Tem travels it seems at least once a week. It makes it challenging for us to do a date night. And I know I shouldn't but I still feel some kind of way having her pay for stuff if I don't have the money. I want to plan a date and pay for it. Something feels wrong about planning a date and then standing back as she pays for it...
Friday night there was the CEA party at the Hilton at Easton. There I was able to catch up with Giffin the old preK teacher and I learned about our new PreK teacher Lemasters. Giffin went on about her house she owns in Olde Towne East and Lemasters talked about her life aswell... I asked Giffin since she owns a house there must be hope for teachers to afford things...she scoffed and explained how her husband makes all the money. Lemasters nodded talking about her engineer husband as well.
Not exactly the most encouraging article to a male teacher complaining about not being able to pay for dates with his girlfriend. I do still hold out hope that once these loans are paid off I will have more to offer.
I've started playing chess, and when I say that I really mean I've started to lose to the computer. Currently I can sometimes beat a level 2 computer.
Now while reading Crime and Punishment I cam across a similar quote by Dostoyevsky:
"where was it that I read that a person sentenced to death, during his last hour, says or thinks that if he were made to live somewhere high up, on a cliff, on such a narrow platform that he only had room for his two feet, and he was surrounded by an abyss, an ocean, eternal darkness, eternal solitude, and eternal storms and that if he could remain there standing on his small bit of space for his entire life, a thousand years, for eternity it would be better to live like that than to die at once!
"Only to live, to live, to live! To live, no matter how only to live! How true! How true, oh Lord!
-Raskolnikov
I haven't written on here in a while. My month has been spent finishing the book Crime and Punishment and setting up my classroom for my second year of teaching.
Today is the official last day of my first summer break as a teacher.
This break has been everything I had hoped it would be and even more.
I wanted it to feel long and rejuvenating.
After the west road trip up highway 89, the yearly beach trip, Iceland, and San Diego I still had all of August to relax in Columbus and get things ready for the school year.
I feel more than ready to start and although I'm not looking forward to the paperwork and deadlines I am looking forward to the new challenge and roster.
Life right now is amazing. 2018 has been the best year of my life and continues to be. I have enjoyed moving in with Tem and putting together Ikea furniture, grocery shopping, cooking together. I like ending my days beside her and starting them likewise.
I couldn't ask for a better team at the school. All of them were setting up early showing how much we care and the work we are willing to put in.
The only thing has been finding time to write. I spend my mornings reading so much and when I return from work I just want to relax and be with Tem.
I've been reading a lot of Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment
like a lot.
The protagonist in the story, Raskolnikov, is terribly poor and his mind keeps taking him down a dark path of murder and theft in order to remedy his poverty although a part of him becomes nearly sick to the stomach of the thought of it he succumbs to the impulse.
I've been alone a lot this week with Tem in San Diego it's given me a lot of time to both read, and think...along with a lot of time for mindless TV.
I keep thinking about this character and his options. I'm not very far in the book still only about 100 pages in but Dostoevsky does such an amazing job putting the reader in the head of his character that it's gotten me into mental moral dilemmas.
What is it to cheat? To cheat someone is to be dishonest with them.
Cheating in gambiling
Cheating on a test
Cheating playing a sport or competition
Cheating in a relationship
Cheating
Every instance I can think of where the word seems to fit or be used it has something to do with dishonesty
There's this quote I've always heard but never known it's source
"If you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin'"
Cheating as I think about it more and more is absolutely dishonesty towards the 'other' of the universe however, cheating is at the same time being very honest with yourself.
Before the cards are dealt, before the relationship has started, before the exam has been handing out, before the whistle has blown...The cheater has no intention of cheating.
At least, this is what I believe to be true for humanity, that we are inherently good and that our intentions are likewise. However, there must come a point in the rule abiding person's mind where following the rules will no longer suffice.
Obviously the student with notes up their arm in pen had intentions of cheating before the exam was handed out...but there had to have been a point in that "before" whether that be a month, a semester or even a school year prior where cheating wasn't the game plan.
In order for cheating to occur there needs to come a moment in the cheaters mind. A moment of honesty.
A coming to terms with the fact that you can't afford to lose this hand of poker, you aren't good enough to win this game, you aren't fulfilled by your spouse in some aspect, you didn't prepare enough to pass this test.
In a weird way the more I think about cheating the more I can, to an extent appreciate the honesty of the person attempting to cheat.
It's a desperate act, it's a lack of control in circumstances, it's an honest admittance that you aren't capable of success within the confined rules of the game.
How many crimes committed are out of desperation?
This week while I was home alone I had a lot of free time to watch TV as I mentioned. I decided to go back and attempt to watch all the films that won best picture working backwards. "Chicago" was the first one available to stream that I had not seen before.
The film focuses on all of these women who were put in circumstances beyond their control forcing them to murder...(I understand most of them were lighthearted reasons to kill) But the theme of the film to me seemed to illustrate a time in American history where women had few to no rights to justice and thus pushed to their breaking point had no choice but to take justice into their own hands...what other choice did they have? They were honest with themselves during the crime.
There was an article written in the Baltimore Sun by Adam Marton in January of 2016. He writes about the time his car was stolen by a 16 year old named Thelonious Monk back in 2003.
I went to the impound lot, recovered my car and drove to Lake Roland — what I considered a peaceful spot — to assess the damage. I saw that the thief had cut my steering wheel and lightly smashed my bumper. I also saw that he had installed a baby seat and a subwoofer and that the car was strewn with job applications from Pizza Hut and other fast food restaurants.
It was, and remains, one of the most heartbreaking scenes of my life. Our lives crossed, however oddly and briefly, and I can't help but think that he probably never had a chance — a chance to escape or a chance to succeed. He likely never had the opportunities I have always enjoyed: a safe neighborhood, good schools, a non-negotiable college education and easy entrance into the job market as a result.
After publishing the story on The Sun's website, Thelonious' mother called and insisted that her son had not stolen my car, but because juvenile records are sealed and I was told he wouldn't be charged with the theft anyway, I have no way to know for sure.
But I can't help but wonder, if he was the one who took my car, was he trying to make a break for it? I wish he had made it.
Rest in peace, young man, I will never forget you.
This article always brings me close to tears. Job applications and a baby seat, Whoever the thief was, Thelonious or not, They tried to make a break for it understanding the circumstances around them offered little to no options for success pushed to a place, thus having to create their own path.
It's interesting to think about this article how the writer's life was not inconvenienced in hardly anyway from losing his car, while the cheater, the thief, was inconvenienced greatly for lack of a car, to the point of stealing someone else. The most interesting part it how the victim in the end was hoping for the cheater's success. "I wish he had made it."
a sympathetic understanding of the other persons circumstances. If the cheater already owned a car, what are the odds of him committing the crime of stealing the writers car?
Would he still do it or are most crimes circumstantial, pressed by system and reality forced into choosing paths reluctantly but yet inevitably.
If I were walking in his shoes...would I have stolen the car? Would any of us?
Anyway, When this posts I'll be in San Diego with Tem. I miss her so much and I can't wait to spend more time with her in a new place. She's been there all week for work. I will be joining her Saturday morning to spend the long weekend there. I miss and love her.
Since my post about my 2018 trip west up US Highway 89 messed up I figured I'd post some bullet points to help me remember it.
Nashville
Dallas
White Sands National Monument
Petrified Forest National Park
Blue Mesa trail
Grand Canyon National Park
Bright Angel Trail
Bright Angel Campground
Zion National Park
The Narrows
Angels Landing
Kanarraville Falls
No Name Saloon & Grill, Park City
Grand Teton National Park
Colter Bay Campground
Hermitage Point
Hidden Falls and Inspiration Point
Yellowstone National Park
Canyon Campground
Grand Loop Road
Glacier National Park
St. Mary Campground
Grinnell Glacier
Avalanche Lake
Virginia Falls
Billings
Bismarck
Minneapolis
Madison
Milwaukee
Home
After my road trip our yearly Atlantic Beach trip took place. This year was unique because it was the first trip Brian wasn't living in Ohio and still managed to make it. I'm nervous we won't have many more of these trips left together. But I hope we can try for as many as possible.
We returned to North Carolina since the rest of the coastal states drive time seems too much. I love my friends very much. I hope we all make time for each other as we grow and head our separate ways.
Tem and I just returned to Columbus from Iceland late Tuesday night. She met my parents on the way and after a flat tire and some insane fate in Bluffton Ohio we made our flight. The trip was amazing. We listened to a lot of the book Children of Blood and Bone. It was Tem's first camping trip and she did amazing. The sky never darkened to night and the temperature never rose above 60 Tem insisted on doing ALL the driving. This trip was awesome. The most beautiful waterfalls, snow capped mountains, green hillside pastures, Volcanic rock, hot springs, ocean, icebergs, black sand beaches, hikes, Reykjavík bars for the world cup, gas station wifi free coffee cups, sprite and vodka, the wind nearly blowing us over as it pelted us with dust, the rain making sure we were never fully dry, the sun peaking through the clouds and instantly raising our body temperatures from uncomfortably cold to uncomfortably warm, frozen feet wading through a river on the top of the countries tallest waterfall. This trip was amazing and what made it better was having Tem at my side. I love this woman. I love making her laugh and smile. I love having someone to share the beauty of this planet with and not just someone, not just a warm body, but someone I care about, cherish, and want to spent my life and share my time with. I spend more and more time with her and it never seems to get old. We continue to learn more and more about each other. 2018 has been the best year of my life and she is most definitely a huge reason why. And now we are moving in with each other this week. I'm excited to share more of my life with her. I'm excited for my valuable to remained boxed in the basement. haha I love Tem.
Enneagram Type Five The Investigator
As if I could let myself be seen, even deeply known
Like I was already brave enough to let go
After finishing my first year of teaching I packed up my stuff and headed out west to New Mexico. I wanted to drive all of US HWY 89.
Mexico to Canada the most beautiful road in the country.
I've been wanting to do a road trip like this for probably five years and now at 30 I was able to do it. What an incredible planet we live on. To experience all of that beauty and to understand that it was all within the bounds of a tiny strip of land.
I slept in the jeep in Arkansas, New Mexico, and Arizona. I slept outside in the open at the bottom of the grand canyon under the most beautiful stars I'd ever seen next to Zambia of course. I slept in the cold shadows of the Tetons and the snowy woods of Yellow Stone. The hot evenings and cool morning of Glacier and back in the jeep near Billings, Bismack, and Madison before finally returning home to Columbus Ohio.
Home.
On my trip I listened to the novels
Catch 22
The Color Purple
Cousin Bette
and Donte's Inferno
Yesterday I turned 30 1/2
I also cut my hair so no more manbun.
Thursday was the last day of school of my first year of teaching!
At times it feels like it went by so fast and at other times I realize how long a school year can be. It's wild to think about when I first applied for the bachelor plus program back in April of 2015 and to see a plan come together like it has in my life. Every piece perfectly in place at the right time.
Now my first summer begins. I'm nervous about the time off. I really need structure in my life. My first summer off since 2002.
Lately Fridays have been Tem and my worst nightmare. I don't know why but Friday nights never go well for us. I feel so weird with this. She's got me all insecure got me doubting myself and struggling to simply be natural. I'm overthinking things and I'm dwelling on insignificant things. I don't know what is happening to me but literally the easiest most fun relationship I've ever had is a struggle.
I don't know why or what it is. I think we both feel this way. We are both scared to mess it up or we are both over thinking or something. Whatever it is we both hate it. I want it fixed, we both want it fixed. I'm not sure what it is.
I don't have anything else to say on the topic just that I'm confused with myself and frustrated. I love Tem and I don't want to mess it up and I want it to be perfect because it's what she deserves.
For your predecessor, the first super-soldier...it was all so simple.
Captain America was right, because America was right.
And Captain America was good, because America was good.
So much has changed.
The great wars are over, they say.
The great causes, all decided.
Morality is a relic. All is choice. Everything, relative.
What is the import of "good" and "right" in this divided and muddled America?
I am told the super-solider still calls himself "Captain."
But captain of what?
I know what your media has told you.
But we are not what they say.
Like you, we rebelled against the old-world elites.
Like you, we embraced revolution.
You and I were allies once-- Revolutionary allies.
But not because we were good.
Because we were strong.
And I have always loved America for this reason.
America is right...Because America is strong.
So much has changed, my son.
We the strong are now plagued by parasites...feeble minds...and captains of nothing.
So, that boys, like you, die nameless in deserts and the people do not honor them.
But we who love America have forged a sacred trust.
Of defense...science...commerce...and God.
This sacred trust stands against the weak, the parasites the feeble minds.
And we will prevail my son.
So that America may be strong again...right again...born again.
-Captain America "We who love America: A Prologue", Ta-Nehisi Coates
Some very interesting turn of events caused me to discover that Ta-Nehisi Coates is about to write a Captain America run and that the first teaser was released on free comic book day.
Coates is an amazing writer, and while I'm no expert on his stuff what I have read has always been very helpful in my growth and attempt at understanding the different realities that others live in while on the same planet, even the same country.
Why America isn't the greatest country in the world anymore - Newsroom
Can you say why America is the greatest country in the world?
It’s not the greatest country in the world. That’s my answer... the NEA is a loser. Yeah, it accounts for a penny out of our paycheck, but he gets to hit you with it anytime he wants. It doesn’t cost money, it costs votes. It costs airtime and column inches. You know why people don’t like liberals? Because they lose. If liberals are so fucking smart, how come they lose so goddamn always? And with a straight face, you’re gonna tell students that America is so star-spangled awesome that we’re the only ones in the world who have freedom? Canada has freedom. Japan has freedom. The UK, France, Italy, Germany, Spain, Australia, Belgium has freedom! So, 207 sovereign states in the world, like 180 of them have freedom. And yeah, you… sorority girl. Just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there’s some things you should know. One of them is: there’s absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we’re the greatest country in the world. We’re 7th in literacy, 27th in math, 22nd in science, 49th in life expectancy, 178th in infant mortality, 3rd in median household income, number 4 in labor force and number 4 in exports. We lead the world in only three categories: number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real and defense spending, where we spend more than the next 26 countries combined, 25 of whom are allies. Now, none of this is the fault of a 20-year-old college student, but you, nonetheless, are, without a doubt, a member of the worst period generation period ever period, so when you ask what makes us the greatest country in the world, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about! Yosemite?!
It sure used to be… We stood up for what was right. We fought for moral reason. We passed laws, struck down laws, for moral reason. We waged wars on poverty, not on poor people. We sacrificed, we cared about our neighbors, we put our money where our mouths were and we never beat our chest. We built great, big things, made ungodly technological advances, explored the universe, cured diseases and we cultivated the world’s greatest artists AND the world’s greatest economy. We reached for the stars, acted like men. We aspired to intelligence, we didn’t belittle it. It didn’t make us feel inferior. We didn’t identify ourselves by who we voted for in the last election and we didn’t scare so easy. We were able to be all these things and do all these things because we were informed… by great men, men who were revered. First step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. America is not the greatest country in the world anymore.”
a member of the worst. generation. ever.
Aaron Sorkin through his character in Newsroom claims America use to be the greatest country in the world because of all of these reasons we stood up for what was right, we fought for moral reasons, we passed and struck down laws for moral reasons and so on and so forth.
America was the greatest country, he claims.
Ta-Nehisi Coates through his character in Captain America claims, this sacred trust stands against the weak, the parasites the feeble minds. And we will prevail my son. So that America may be strong again...right again...born again.
So that America can be strong again...
Make America Great Again.
But this is America.
We never fought for moral reasons. I think Coates knows this and that's why I'm so interested to read his Cap run.
The civil war was not about freeing slaves on the Union side...It was about keeping the states united.
It only became about slavery when the south was about to solicit aid from European countries who had already abolished slavery in a strategic move to prevent this help. Once the north declared it was about freeing slaves many of the northern soldiers stopped fighting for the Union and went home.
Lincoln continued to insist that this was a war to save the Union, not to free slaves. But by 1862, Lincoln was considering emancipation as a necessary step toward winning the war. The South was using enslaved people to aid the war effort. Black men and women were forced to build fortifications, work as blacksmiths, nurses, boatmen, and laundresses, and to work in factories, hospitals, and armories. In the meantime, the North was refusing to accept the services of black volunteers and freed slaves, the very people who most wanted to defeat the slaveholders. In addition, several governments in Europe were considering recognizing the Confederacy and intervening against the Union. If Lincoln declared this a war to free the slaves, European public opinion would overwhelmingly back the North.
-The Civil War and emancipation, PBS
We did not join in the fight of WWII until 1941 the war began in 1939 when Nazi Germany invaded Poland. The battle of Dunkirk happened in 1940 Germany had consumed most of Western Europe and had Britain's back up against a wall, all the while we stayed completely silent and out of the war, while Jews were being massacred and our allies were being invaded. It wasn't until our own territory was attacked that we decided to join the war..."moral reasons"
"We passed laws, struck down laws, for moral reason" Bull shit after slavery was abolished Jim Crow laws were passed anti voting rights were enforced. Our country should receive no applause for striking down and repealing terrible laws that should have never been in place or even on a ballot in the first place.
a member of the worst. generation. ever.
The millennials, me
We the strong are now plagued by parasites...feeble minds...and captains of nothing.
So, that boys, like you, die nameless in deserts and the people do not honor them...This sacred trust stands against the weak, the parasites the feeble minds. And we will prevail my son.
the worst. generation. ever.
parasites, feeble minds and captains of nothing.
We are the generation of #blacklivesmatter
We are the generation of #lovewins
We are the generation of #taketheknee
We are the generation of #metoo #timesup
"We reached for the stars, acted like men...We were able to be all these things and do all these things because we were informed… by great men, men who were revered."
-Aaron Sorkin
Back when "America was great" back before we, the worst generation ever, arrived We acted like men and we did all of these things because we were informed by great men who were revered...these very same men who grab women by the pussy, who sexually assault them, victim blame, and pay hush money.
Fuck that.
America was right because America's selfishness at times has also lined up with morality and America was great for white men and that's all it's ever been great for.
This is America. We were never great and we certainty aren't the greatest country in the world.
But we could be...If we stopped acting like America use to be this perfect place and stopped looking back with rose tinted glasses. If we looked back only to acknowledge our flaws, our errors, our fuck ups (and there have been many) But we need to focus on the future, on forward, on the dream of tomorrow being a better place for every human in our borders and out. America was never great from the first invasion of this land colonizing and displacing native people who already had great nations. To today where our politicians and parents rant and whine about how this country has gone to shit. It's always been shit don't blame our systemic brokenness on the young adult generation of today, don't get upset with us because you wasted your time in the country worrying about what it "use to be"
Three more weeks of school and my first year of teaching comes to a close.
Three more weeks until my first summer break.
I haven't had a summer where I didn't work since maybe 2002.
I'm very excited about this time off. I'm excited to see parts of this country I've never seen. I'm excited for the long days and the nice weather. I'm excited to spend time with Tem and my friends.
My road trip for the month of June, I have been wanting to do a trip like this since 2013. It's funny how fast these years have flown by they feel like weeks sometimes. I've wanted to take this trip since I was 25 and now here I am at 30 finally able to do it. Life is flying by so fast. I have so many things I've been wanting to do in my 20's and here I am already in my 30's. But I had plans for my 30's such as fatherhood but I'm not done with my 20's. I'm not done traveling, exploring, learning, growing, and preparing to be a parent.
Yesterday's weather was so nice I was able to sit by a pool. April was winter and May turned to summer. Summer is basically here and I'm ready for my time off, but Tem landed in Barcelona this morning and she won't be back for two weeks. I miss her and I want to spend the weather with her, the happy hours with her, the windows open in bed at night with her, the coffee walks in the morning. I want to drive out to the woods and hike with her, today would be perfect for it. But we will have many many more chances this summer.
Anyway, I don't have much to say right now. 2018 has been a very good year so far and I'm excited to see how the other half of it goes. Tem did inform me Kelly got married earlier this month, so that happened, I guess.
Enneagram Type Four The Individualist
Bodies fashioned out of dirt and dust
For a moment we get to be glorious
Ice sculptures adorned in light
Sand castles built tall in between the tides
The honeymoon phase is definitely over...it is long gone at this point.
Last Thursday Tem and I went to see Infinity War and that Friday we saw Travis' band play at Ace of Cups. During the film Tem and her friend Vanessa kept ogling every male protagonist on the screen. Three hours of my girlfriend drooling over men who aren't me, and don't look anything like me. It was bothersome. It reminded me of the way Holly and Hillary talk openly and blatantly about celebrity men in front of Travis and Jared. I watch uncomfortable as Travis tries to joke about it. I remember thinking to myself I never want to be in that situation watching how uncomfortable it seemed.
Even the way Holly talks about my body or Downing's looks, It's always rubbed me the wrong way, like she doesn't deserve my amazing friend if she doesn't only have eyes for him. My dude is definitely worth that sort of loyalty, the kind of loyalty he expresses.
But there I was uncomfortably joking with them about how much my girlfriend wanted other men. It was Black Panther all over again. I attempted to mask my feelings talking about Zoe Saldana and Danai Gurira but it wasn't as sincere and graphic my eyebrow raises to their detailed fantasies.
I played it off and the night ended. Friday I met up with them at the Goat downtown the two of them were again discussing the cast. I subtly commented in the snap group my displeasure in hopes to stop Tem without being the wet blanket...it didn't work. Eventually it came to an "ok lets not talk about this"
Christopher arrived at the Goat and brought a woman with him so the focus changed to them. After we left we met up with Travis and his band we discussed the new movie as a group before heading out the patio to sit before the show. Here the two of them continued to talk about them and my insecurity could handle no more I stood up to walk back in the bar while they finished their fantasies. It reminded me of tweets I'd seen between her and her husband about celebrities they would fuck. I never want that conversation with the woman I'm dating and hoping to be her only sexual partner. I felt ignored and hurt...the rest of the night went exactly as you'd expect I shut down and we silently watched the band. Once we arrived at her apartment the sexual drive that had been marinating between us all day has vanished from my end. Insulted and sexually uninterested I decided to walk home and sleep alone. A much better choice than either attempting sex while wondering who she was thinking about during, or refusing her sex, and sleeping next to her frustrating her even more.
We threw violent texts back and forth my whole walk home, up the stairs, and into my bed.
The next morning I woke up and she wanted to talk. I assumed she had finally had enough of my insecurities and inability to provide her the attention she requires she was preparing to tell me she was done with me. Instead she apologized to me...first thing. I was shocked and grateful. We sat down together and she asked me about a few more of my insecurities. I confessed them to her, we parted ways, I went home to be alone, she went to brunch with her friends and half marathon people apparently.
The honeymoon phase is definitely over...it is long gone at this point.
We have arrived at the point in a relationship where each other's every move impacts the well being of the other. Before when she was a woman I knew she could talk about any man she wanted and it didn't matter to me at all but now she's a big source of my self confidence...I've let her in to the point that her eyes on another man no matter real or fictional impacts my confidence. Before when I was just a man she new every day, hour, or minute that passed without a text was inconsequential to her. I was just a man living his own life going and doing whatever I pleased. But now she's let me in to the point that my silence isn't viewed as neutral or impartial but rather it is viewed as neglect and apathetic towards her. No communication means I'm not thinking about her and thus I don't care about her.
It's strange how we send these signals and how we interpret them.
I send the signal I like you with the girlfriend title, spending every night together, and spending all my free time with her. These are very important things in my life that I have given up, freely, and willingly to show her I care. But her interpretation of my messages my expressions and signals is that of mundane bare minimum expectations. These grand gestures from one side seem like the status quo to the other.
She says things that seem harmless fun to her friend as a way to connect and bond and I interpret them as attacks on my appearance and my value to her.
This stuff isn't easy. I know Tem and I have talked multiple times prior to dating about how we don't understand why people would stay together if it isn't constant honeymoon and fireworks... but maybe by the pure nature of broken people opening themselves up to broken people that sort of relationship can't exist. Offering our insecurities to another person will always fill us with fear. Fear that we are in it more than the other, fear that the other doesn't want us, fear that we are going to lose the person we care about the most. And out of those fears come fights, anger, insecurity masked as vexation.
The only way to find that honeymoon firework marathon relationship would be for both people to have perfect trust. To view their partner through a lens that filters every action, every word as kind and not maliciously intended to harm them. To offer their partner the benefit of the doubt with trust and kindness again and again through each and every communication failure.
Knowing that objectifying other men on a screen isn't personally attacking me despite how very real my hurt feelings are to be able to see past myself and trust her.
Knowing that the absence of a text or time frame isn't a personal attack of neglect on her despite how very real her hurt feelings are thinking I am uninterested and unequally invested.
In order for the honeymoon firework marathon to exist both people would have to have their trust still intact. They would have to have not experiences an abusive relationship making you question your sanity and intentions behind every action of your partner. They would have to have not been promised things or offered commitments that were broken again and again by previous relationships.
One experience teaches caution and distrust. The other teachers the same message that words and even actions mean nothing but that everything is conditionally circumstantial.
I guess at this point I don't want the honeymoon firework marathon.
I want something different, something obtainable given our past experiences.
I want something that can experiences honeymoon feelings in the air while still building deep root systems beneath the ground that grip and wrap foundations of trust, forgiveness, and inherent kindness.
Knowing, not hoping, or worrying, but knowing that the other person does everything from a place of kindness and my best interest, and living my life out of that same filter towards her.
And when our insecurities grow like a weed around our roots attempting to sap us of our steady nutrient flow of trust, forgiveness, and kindness we will communicate it honestly and transparently in a safe and caring environment.
Never fighting, or never experiences conflict is not my goal in this relationship, but rather confronting, communicating, and curing the conflicts in a healthy way each time.
But what is the path?
Enneagram Type Three The Achiever
I only want what's real
I set aside the highlight reel
And leave my greatest failures on display with an asterisk
*Worthy of love anyway
