12/02/19

Dear 33 year old Adam,

I've just turned 32. It's been another good year of life. I spent the year living alone on Hubbard Ave. This was the first time in my life not having a roommate. It was fine. I still believe living in community is better and I'm not one for buying into the idea that adults live alone. I think that's a very cultural thing in America and I think it's a poor one. I bought an iPhone X while visiting Brian in Seattle over spring break. That pretty much brings you up to speed. Travis got engaged this year. I visited Brian and the Pacific Northwest for my June. In July I spent some time hiking 14ers in Colorado with Jared and Travis. I've spent a lot of time playing Xbox in order to stay in contact with Brian and Alan. Through that I've grown closer to Alan's brother Nathan and Alan's college roommate's brother Todd from San Diego. This summer I also went to Las Vegas with Tem's family to celebrate her brother's 40th birthday. We made a day trip to Zion and visited her friend Vanessa and her husband Mike. After the trip I stopped in Cincinnati to visit Alan while Todd was also there. Also the women's US team won the world cup. We became Columbus Crew fans this year. I sold my '02 Civic and now drive a 2017 car which still feels weird at times.

Things I'm doing now:
Two weekends ago I moved back in with Tem, the love of my life. I'm excited to live with her again. I think I needed a bit more time to prepare myself for the independent sacrifices that are necessary to grow with a person. Having roommates is a very different thing than living with the one you love. Besides the obvious fact of sharing a bedroom there are more intimate things at play. I think taking the year to deal with the priorities in my life and to evaluate the kind of life I want to have moving forward was important. I do enjoy my alone time. It is spiritually rejuvenating for me. It is something I think I will always need. But I will also always need Tem in my life as well. I want the woman I love to be in my life more than an arm's length away. We just returned from a trip to Sacramento with her family. I love her family and I'm glad they are a part of my life. I'm currently in my third year of teaching Kindergarten. This is the year I have to record myself teaching and submit the video to the state of Ohio along with a reflection paper. This task has been a thorn in my side and I am very pleased to be done with it. Now we wait to see if I pass and allowed to renew my teaching license. Roma my teammate had her baby at the beginning of November so I have been teaching stag with a substitute next door. I still hit the gym in the mornings three times a week although I really need to do a better job waking up and putting in more of an effort. I'm still chipping away at that reading list we made years ago.

Things I hope you're doing:
For the year 2020 I hope you vote out the current president. I really don't want another four years of my life with this person as the leader of my country. Life is so short and it continues to fly by I'd rather my time on Earth be spent enjoying the progress of humanity. In my life time I've seen the first black president and the legalization of same sex marriage. I'd like to see the trans community welcomed into the main stage of culture. I'd like to see the police force around the country reformed. I'd like to see healthcare for every person in the wealthiest country in the history of the world. I'd like to see the first woman president. There is so much in this life we have a chance to witness before finally resting our head. I want these things and so many more things I am ignorant to. Four years isn't forever but it would definitely be more steps backwards. I hope you're still reading from your list and making a decent dent now that you have an aux hookup in a car. I hope you and Tem visit India and New Zealand. I hope Travis has an amazing wedding and an even better marriage. I hope you spend a bit of time continuing to improve your lesson plans and never stop getting better and better. I hope Africentric becomes a B rated school as this amazing team continues to work together. I hope you and Tem finally get to a place in the condo where she feels she can host parties and friends. I hope for many more times where you make Tem smile and laugh. That you're able to communicate to her even a small degree of the love you have for her. And how truly important she is in your life. I hope you do a better job journaling than I did.

Things I've learned since turning 31:
This past winter I spent Christmas with Tem's family. Her parents are great well actually her whole family is. We traveled to Peru after. The altitude of Cuzco was devastating at first. Lots of tiny cupped coca tea and beautiful reminders of how big and old human history is. All of the untold stories of every human's life. I moved into my own apartment in the beginning of December. 31 years old and I've never lived on my own until now. I had never bought my own bed until now upgraded from the twin. But as I mentioned throughout my 20s most of the people on this planet don't even have the luxury of a twin mattress so I considered myself very blessed. January Tem and I flew to New York for a weekend to see "Waitress" the musical with Sara Bareilles as the lead. The rest of winter we spent in her new condo in King Lincoln or at my new apartment on Hubbard Ave playing fortnite. My friends and I decided to become Columbus Crew fans since the team was saved I felt an obligation to appreciate them and since the NFL is trash why not? (I wrote this on March 30th) March 25th Tem and I broke up for the third time in three months. After the break up I decided to reach out to a counselor. Well I failed to continue to update this during the beginning of summer and the beginning of autumn like I normally do. But Tem and I are together and I couldn't be happier. I've learned that relationships are difficult, again. I've learned that it doesn't matter how you feel towards someone if you are unable to express those feelings in a form they can receive that message. Thanks to the impeachment hearings and the should they shouldn't they process of the government I've learned justice isn't blind. I've learned that politics are more important than right and wrong. The president used his position to leverage political gain but the other side of the isle did not want to pursue justice because of political gain. Whether inaction or action both motivated by elections to maintain power and both seem disgusting to me. I've learned pride and power aren't just for those in Washington. Small fish in smaller ponds can think they are big as well. I've learned I need to do a better job journaling to archive all the things I learn in these years of my life. What good are the lessons of experience if I'm unable to recall or record them?

1987 Born
1988 00
1989 01
1990 02
1991 03
1992 04
1993 05 Started Grade School
1994 06
1995 07
1996 08
1997 09
1998 10
1999 11
2000 12
2001 13
2002 14
2003 15
2004 16
2005 17
2006 18 Graduated High School
2007 19
2008 20
2009 21
2010 22 Graduated College
2011 23
2012 24
2013 25
2014 26
2015 27
2016 28
2017 29 Ohio Early Childhood Teaching License
2018 30
2019 31

11/24/19

2019 has been my worst year to journal since I started. This is only my 23rd entry for the year.

This week was eventful at work. Licensing did a surprise visit in the PreK classrooms and I sent one of my students into the room during the evaluation.

The licensing person said it was against Ohio code and therefore put the class out of ratio.
I researched the code and could not find if that even exists. The licensing person misused the code and the class was still in fact in ratio. I sent an email to the director of early childhood education in the district to question the non compliance. The director showed up at the school Friday and met with me.

It's another nail in the coffin of my worldview. I try not to become cynical and remain hopeful that justice does prevail but time and again I find that a perfect system run by imperfect or corrupt people doesn't work.

The perfect car if fueled by sugar won't run.

The same is true for the many systems put in place in our world. The people with the power have pride. And the people, whether right or not, at the bottom must oblige that delicate pride or else the top can make life difficult. None of this at all having to do with right and wrong legality or justice.

I've seen the pride of the powerful at work when I worked for a church with a figurehead. I've seen it in that same building as a preschool teacher with licensing. And even now in the public school system.

Even with our current president. Justice, fairness, and legality is conditional and that is wrong.

09/29/19

I finished listening to Dan Carlin's Hardcore History Blueprint for Armageddon.

L'Enfer by Georges Leroux

101 years ago.

It's insane to think about the great war how far and yet how recent it was.

The war started in 1914 looking Napoleonic, horses, swords, and lines of soldiers

The war ended in 1918 looking modern, tanks, machine guns, and helmets

in 1910 it is estimated that there were 1.7 billion people on the planet.

The mean total of deaths during the great war is 17,330,244.

0.990% of the world's population. Around 1% of all the humans on the planet at that time were killed during world war one.

I can't stop thinking about this painting by the French artist Georges Leroux. So much artillery fire that forests were leveled and craters blown to craters blown again. Poisonous gas and human body parts contaminating the water in the bottom of the explosion craters, the living soliders' only place to hide. four years this war went on like this.

Four years and 1% of the species dead.

09/15/19

This week the State's school report cards came out and I am so proud of both my students and to be a part of this staff.

This is the report card from the 2016-2017 school year the year before I joined the staff.

We were a priority school rated in the bottom 5% of all schools in the state of Ohio.

This was my first year teaching at the school.

We managed to pull out of priority into a D rating.

This was last year's score my second year teaching.

We are now a C rated school!







I don't know what to say but when I look back at older posts on this site when I started going back to school to become a teacher in 2015 and even when I started working at a PreK teacher in 2013 It's really amazing to see where I am now and where we are heading as a school. I know I am a very small part of the very large picture of an entire elementary school but like everything in life I'm trying to do my part. I'm very proud of my students and the honor of being a Kindergarten teacher at Africentric.

09/08/19

Things I'd like to write about:

The 1619 Project
NFL: pay for pain
A Farewell to Arms
Hurricane Dorian and the president
Fortnite Mech
Third year teaching
-RESA
-3% raise
White Claw and Ohio
The Fulton County Fair in 2019

and so on

08/18/19

Today my dad turns 64.

This is the last day of my second summer off as a teacher.

I've done a horrible job keeping track of my life on here.

I've been working on my class website this week. Here it is

I'm excited to start school back up. This will be my third year teaching. This August after Tem and I got back from Vegas I sold my 02 Civic. I spent this summer traveling to PNW, Colorado, Vegas, Cincinnati, and in between those trips playing fortnite and overwatch with Alan, Brian, Bobo, and Todd. I managed to read some books but not nearly as productive as a summer I would like to have.

I need to be more disciplined. Hopefully I can stick to a sleep schedule better this school year and carve out more time for the things I want in my life.

It's all, and has always been, about balance

07/21/19

I'm finding it more and more difficult to discipline myself to carve out time to sit down and write.

Around halfway done with my second summer off as a teacher. I spent June in the Pacific Northwest and July has been very limited in an attempt to recharge the savings since the June trip and in anticipation for the July Colorado and Vegas trips mixed in with wanting a new car at the end of summer.

This feels like a rut.

These summers are in a way strange. I have this belief that summer offers so much time and so many possibilities that I end up not doing much of anything.

Should I sit down this morning and write? why should I, I have all summer to do that.
Should I wake up early and head to the gym? Why not when I can go later?
Should I read this book, I can always start it tomorrow, I have all day

Before long summer will be coming to a close and I won't have much to show for it other than potentials and possibilities rolled over into the next summer.

Deadlines and start times are beneficial.
I know a lot of people consider me disciplined but I feel differently, there is room to improve.

I need to start writing more and I need to get more organized with this free time. I love summer, I want to get the most out of it.

07/07/19

"I think there is something seriously wrong with you"

"I sat next to you so you could touch me"

"Are we not going to kiss tonight?"

"We didn't cuddle last night"

"You keep me at a six foot distance, you put walls up"

"I feel like I'm unable to voice my needs without you saying 'I've done this and that and it's not good enough' rather than listing to why I am saying what I'm saying"

"Why don't you take pictures of me?"

"I don't have a boyfriend, we aren't dating"

"I feel like you don't want me around"

"I'm not gonna lie you aren't the first boyfriend to tell me that it's always something with me. I have high standards and I know that. I strive for perfection and I believe we always need to keep improving ourselves. However, when I'm trying to improve a relationship it's another human that is constantly feeling inadequate. When that shouldn't be the case cause that's not what I'm saying but I see you're feeling that way. I don't know what to do about it though. I think it's healthy to constantly work on things. But it seems to be wearing on you."

"I do know that you constantly telling me I'm unhappy is making me think really hard if I am happy"

"It truly feels like you like to be in a pity party with yourself. And I mean that in the nicest way possible."

I feel upside down.
Friday morning I felt so invalidated, so confused, so flustered I yelled. I became something I'm not. This 'relationship/nonrelationship' is making me second guess everything. It's making me second guess my actions, my words, even my own memories.

One of two things is true, either Tem is right or my perception is right.
If Tem is right, which she certainly seems to act like she is then my perception and my feelings are wrong.

If I can't trust my own feelings, my own perception I don't know, she's probably right, there is something seriously wrong with me.

I don't have any complaints about Tem. I can't think of any. The only thing I ask of her is that she please be the purest form of herself. I constantly attempt to confirm if it's really what she wants, if that's really what she thinks, forever trying to pull out of her the Temest Tem.

She's the woman I love and I want to meet her, want to keep learning more and more about her.

But then there's me.

She is enough for me but I'm not enough for her. Me, who I am, I'm not the man she wants but if she could just keep reworking me, shaping, changing, crafting me then maybe one day I will be acceptable enough for her, one day I will please her.

Here I am my own one man pity party.

I feel trapped to express or defend myself is to complain to self loath and to invalidate her requests. But these are my feelings, this is my perception.

I feel exhausted and completely defeated.

She complained about spending the 4th of July with me rather than my beach trip with my friends, she finally got it and in the time frame from July 3rd to July 5th all of the above quotes came from her. I tried to give her what she wanted and all she got was more disappointment.

I feel insane. I think there is something seriously wrong with me.

She told me she hasn't been happy with us for 10 months. We've 'dated' for two years and nearly half of that time she's been dissatisfied with me.

Despite my attempts she thinks my actions are complacent.

I need some rest.

06/16/19

Right now I'm currently camping in the PNW
Equal pay for equal play for the US national Soccer teams
Tem in Cancun

When I get back from this June trip I need to be more disciplined in my summer schedule

08am Gym
09am Breakfast
10am Reading
11am Writing
12pm Lunch
1pm Goodale Park
2pm Whatever for the rest of the day

That's the goal, We'll see how it goes.

06/09/19

My first week of summer has finished
Re imagine Training
Work out more
Planned Washington and Colorado trips
Didn't spend as much time as Tem wanted with her this week

05/31/19

Today was the last day of my second year of teaching

04/14/19

Six weeks of school left to wrap up my second year teaching

Sankofa was Friday night
My third year attending
I went alone

I have my first counseling session scheduled for April 22nd (Earth Day) The day before I fly out to see Brian.

Last year I was so excited for my first summer off. I remember all the adventures and plans.
This year I'm counting the days hoping summer won't come.
I don't want my summer vacation without Tem.

I enjoy my couple weeks in June to myself, but I lost all interest to visit India without her, or Kilimanjaro. I don't know what I'm going to do with all of this time off now.

I want to travel and make memories with Tem

poolside, patios, parks, and everything else summer does best.
I want my summer with Tem
I want every summer with Tem

I don't know what else to say

I spend my weeknights playing Fortnite with Bobo, Brian, and the Finemans.
I spend my weekends as a fresh Columbus Crew fan.
Alan is still on sabbatical and I miss him.
I don't want to tell him about Tem and I because I already know he'll tell me I'm dumb

I remember the phone calls and walks we'd take talking about women. He was the friend I talked about Tem with very early on. The perfect woman, but she's married.

Maybe I'll spend July in Cincinnati.

I miss Tem.

Picture This - Saviour

04/07/19

The zombie walk
the blank distant stare
the pit in the gut
the hunger but no appetite

She's gone.
She says she loves me but she uses that word with her ex husband.
She says she'd want to try again down the road
but my heart knows how that goes
How time, like a forest fire, has a way of leaving nothing behind.
She's gone.

That exhausted feeling yet sleep won't come
That sense of simplicity mixed with those cold cubes of reality

She attempts to soften the blows with layers of pillowed, 'I'm sorrys', and cushioned, 'I'd want you, you're not ready.' But in this the hazy unconscious twirl of the room as my limp body heads towards the floor of the ring before the bell I find no comfort in these hollow well intentioned scripts.

The ref kneeling beside me, down for the count, I muster one last ask, she throws another etched into my heart nestled between scares left before:

"Okay, well I want someone that can commit to me. And that's not you. So then I guess I don't want you"

"I don't want you"

It's difficult to write a pause. It's hard to capture this moment in writing. Sitting here my stomach, a knot my eyes, a burning mess.

My mind so proud of how I was able to commit. So proud that I stayed all those months. I was able to overcome the fear the anxiety and stay with the woman I love knowing that despite my self destructive best efforts I want this and I will hold on. Moving in with her, a closeness and an intimacy never before attempted or even with any serious consideration before.

But what a tiny offering for a woman who's had a man vow his life to her before. What tiny scraps all of my efforts much have been to her.

"And that's not you"

She doesn't want me.
I need to let this go.
She was kind enough to put up the act, that this will be some great loss to her. Her generous texts tossing those heavy words of 'love' and 'open to us'
But the fact is the Adam she wants doesn't exist. She won't love the broken man until he's patched and she won't waste time waiting for such a lost cause. So the app is downloaded and just like that, dipping in the water basin she washes her hands of me.

But those seemingly worthless efforts to her are sparks of hope within me. Through this brokenness there is hope I will find the strength to stay, to commit, to fight those demons the voices that focus on the bad, that take each fight, each miscommunication and declare it the only inevitable future.

I miss her so much
everything from her laugh to her reality TV addiction.
I hope she makes it on Big Brother
This sucks

I want to be a husband, I wanted to be hers, and I want to be a fucking great one.
And I will for someone who wants me.

But for now I remain
The zombie walk
the blank distant stare
the pit in the gut
the hunger but no appetite
exhausted feeling yet sleep won't come

Letting go,

She's gone.
"I don't want you"
and the pit in my stomach grows

I've ran away for miles
It's gettin' hard for me to breathe
'Cause the man that I've been runnin' from is inside of me
I tell him keep it quiet
So hardly does he speak
'Cause he wants to keep his distance
But it's hard for him to leave
He knows I hear him cryin'
Cryin' out for help
I don't know how to save him
I can't even save myself
There's many people dyin'
I've always been afraid
Not that I'm scared of livin'
I'm scared of feeling pain

Khalid - Self

03/31/19

One man wants to camp across the country
One man wants to be a husband
One man wants to travel the world
One man wants to live alone
One man wants to bar crawl with friends
One man wants to move in
One man wants to practice yoga daily
One man wants to garden the Earth
One man wants to stay in and vibe
One man wants to educate youth
One man wants to make enough money
One man wants to make you laugh
One man wants to make you think
One man wants to play guitar
One man wants to believe
One man wants to read every book
One man wants to be a father
One man wants to dance at weddings
One man wants to be alone
One man wants to ski
One man wants to dig roots in a place
One man wants to be known
One man wants to cut his hair
One man wants to let it grow
One man wants to take some space
One man wants to share everything
One man wants to drink PBR
One man wants to find a tongue for liquor
One man wants to study art
One man wants to craft with his hands
All of these men

One man

duality or rather Multi-ality

In the words of Rabbi Solomon Schechter,

"You cannot be anything if you want to be everything."

A man's youth is a time of self exploration, taste, growth, and knowing. A time to educate, to taste and develop deeper the things that inspire and to avoid those that do not. A period to discover a craft. Closing and opening doors. The selecting of a cast in which to pour the mold of life.

What sort of product does a man have who spends his days spilling his time a little bit into each mold? What sort of life does he have to show for it? the arm of one cast, the leg of another, none of them complete.

Envious of the sort of man who can select his cast at a young age fully pour into it for years and years allowing life to cure and at the end of such an investment breaking away the cast to reveal a life of decisiveness and mastery. A life of self knowing.

Afraid of pouring into the wrong life the potential will remain in it's foundry ladle, there it cools and takes the shape of a life of nothing.

Envious of decisiveness

I think back to my days in the church, an army of people following a book.
Instructions on a step by step mold.
Qualities to be, qualities to seek.
A truly enticing path.
But constrained to such a cast...how are people able to stay on the same path when everything on this planet is in such a constant state of change?

The planet, the universe, growing, shifting, revolving, churning, eroding, dying, planting, advancing, and evolving.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."
-Robert Frost

Life goes on whether anyone is ready for it or not it is moving. Whether we hate or love the state we are in it will not stop.

I reached out to a counseling place this week.

Hozier - Almost (Sweet Music)

03/10/19

I have finally paid off my student loans for my teaching license.

Some stats,

Starting Debt: $30,829.35
Total Debt Paid: $32,475.87
Interest Paid: $1,646.31
Months Paid: 26

This time has really flown by.

I graduated undergrad in 2010 and paid that off in 2011. I went back to school four years later. Now it's been four years since I went back to school.

But from 2011 to 2015 it felt like so much time had past. So much of my life had changed in those four years. From 2015 to 2019 It seemed to go so quickly.

High school was a long four years the same goes for college and the four years post college. But now...years are slipping past me and I'm not sure what I or anyone can do about this.

It feels like I was just in the Yosemite Valley waking up to its beauty and yet here I am two and a half years past those mornings.

Even Tem and I seem to have a difficult time realizing we started hanging out in Fall of 2017 not 2018 because these years are beginning to blur.

I want to stamp them. I want life events, experiences, and adventures to mark these years in the hope of somehow attempting to combat this forward motion of time. Yosemite in 2016 Colorado in 2017 Seattle in 2018, NYC in 2019. Even adding Iceland, Peru, Asheville, San Diego, and Highway 89 it still seems to be slipping through my fingers.

Now my mind can't stop thinking about the next steps in my life.

If I buy a car that's around the same debt I just climbed my ass out of so that's another 24 months or so. By then my ass will be in my mid 30s just starting to collect money for a down payment on a house which if I wanted 20 percent of a 200,000 place that would be 40k which if I continued at the rate I paid off my loans that would take an additional 3 years putting my ass at age 36 or 37 nearly 40. Then get my self tied up in a 30 year mortgage I'll be 70 by the time I own that property outright.

How the hell did these baby boomers have muscle cars in high school, no student loans after college, a house, a spouse, and a few kids all before 30?!

haha let me get out of my own damn head here.

Let's celebrate the fact that most people around my age will be paying student loans for the rest of their life.

according to Forbes:
"The average student in the Class of 2016 has $37,172 in student loan debt"

In order for that loan to be paid off the minimum payment would have to be $154.89 a month (at 5% interest) and it would take 202 years to pay off totaling $337,325.27

however, student loans usually have minimum monthly payments around $50 meaning they will never escape from that debt.

It makes me feel better knowing if someone paid $154.89 every month from 22 to 82 they would spend $111,520.80 on a loan that was originally $37,172 and still have 142 years of payments left for their children.

02/24/19

Sorry this week I haven't had time to sit and write like I promised myself I would.

Not even a week since Tem and I have been back together and Saturday morning she informs me of the ways I have disappointed her.

Still not saying the right things
Still not doing the right things
Still not picking up on the nonverbal cues she wants me to
Wearing certain things means certain things
Not saying certain things
Weeknights
School nights
drinks out
bedtime
Saturday centering
all of it pressed, crunched, squeezed
I'm not sure what she sees in me. She doesn't seem to like the way I am and the things that make me me.
But I love her and I want this to work.
Hopefully this week I won't disappoint her as much.

02/17/19

Not long after I wrote last week's letter Tem and I broke up.

This is the second time since the new year. And It nearly happened in December.

I don't never know what to say. I don't know how to express myself.
I'm sad.
It doesn't exactly express the full extent of my feelings but it's certainly a start.

I love Tem.
She has been the most amazing woman I have ever dated.
It was perfect with her.
We spent our time laughing and having fun.

I use to brag to everyone how we never fought. She and I would talk endlessly about how couples we know aren't happy, or about how people get stuck in marriages they don't want.

All the while we were living in our perfect relationship, thinking we were different, that we were special.

But as time went on needs were not being met which led to tension with turned to fights which turned to hurt which turned to grudges which turned into a very silent tense relationship.

I know the wound is still very much fresh but it's hard for me to imagine doing this again.

If I didn't have a phobia of growing old alone, I'd give it all up dedicate my life to education and adventures.

But a part of me, a deep part of me wants to share my life with someone, someone I love and they love me.

And for a while there, I had that.

But again I lost it and again I'm writing a letter about a break up.

I'm tired of it. The thought of dating again makes me sick. The thought of downloading a damn app and fucking strangers sounds miserable.

I'm 31 and I want to build a life with Tem

But we weren't working. She hadn't been happy or satisfied with me since maybe August of 2018.

How the fuck do people do this shit? How do they keep their person happy? How do they talk about their day again and again? How do they find things to talk about? How do they keep the flame?

Is it real? Or does everyone master the art of settling?

All I know is I miss her. I miss her and I miss everything that comes with her. Her family, her friends, her cat. I miss her, all of her.

But I don't feel regret, I know I've expressed my thoughts on closure in letters past, but it's more than that. We tried everything and we failed.

I'm not sure how, we seemed so perfect. But we failed.

I don't want anyone else. But like I've written so many times before She loved the man I was with my thoughts and my writings. I loved the woman she was with her songs and her poems. But those two people began to lose themselves becoming something singular. In order to fight for something different than those other relationships, those settlers those miserable ones, we tried to create something new something rare something with a sort of balance, together otherness and singularity.

But it didn't work. She felt neglected, she felt distance, and I felt I wasn't the best man I could be to offer her the Adamest Adam which she deserved.

Maybe a healthy sex life would have solved all of our problems. If I dicked her down appropriately and often she wouldn't have cared if I spent a few hours a week away reading and writing in solitude.

Maybe it was Seasonal affective disorder taking its yearly toll on me stuck on a couch buried under blankets uninterested in doing any thing but wait for warmth.

A part of my mind certainly wonders if we held out for another month would the colors of spring had fixed us up. But those sorts of rabbit holes do the mind no benefit.

The fact of the matter is this: At that brunch at Hubbard Grille the woman I had attempted to love was miserable with plans of going back to her condo alone. I had felt unheard and disrespected being pulled away from the few little self care tasks I enjoy in a Saturday morning routine. All of this coming after an evening filled with another miserable fight, this time about her desire to facetime her ex husband. And that coming after she had been away on a business trip for three nights. And to make it worse the brunch was a precursor to her leaving for another week of work outside the state.

Spending my work weeks being slapped, kicked, and called a bitch, loaded weapons brought to school by 6 year olds trying to make it to Saturday to recharge my introverted batteries with a book and some inter thoughts only to be told how neglectful I am as a boyfriend, something was going to give. She isn't around during the week to express my feelings towards her appropriately through her love language of quality time and touch. And I wasn't able to create an 8th day to fit that meditative morning routine.

We failed, she needs a man who can provide her with that attention while she is home and away. I need space and time alone. Is it even possible for me to have a long term monogamous relationship? Am I being selfish attempting to keep the Adam alive? Is the only way to a relationship letting your otherness die letting the two become one? Is Esther Perel full of shit?

I don't know
But I do know I am sad and exhausted.


Sam Smith, Normani - Dancing With A Stranger

02/10/19

Her manipulative fucking ex husband

When Tem and I first started seeing each other August of 2017 it was perfect. We went on adventures, we'd go out, introduce each other to our friends, Some evenings we'd just sit together talking about life. Eventually down the road sex as added into our mix and it amplified our relationship. Everything was perfect. Finally before my 30th birthday I'd found the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Around the one year mark, things began to change. Our sex life started to slow, nothing to worry about really our sex was so electric and often before it must naturally slow to something more sustainable as the relationship grows.

But the sex continued to fizzle, These things happen I suppose and it isn't that big of a deal because the other aspects of the relationship are so perfect. We never fight, we laugh all the time, we share so much of our very different lives together. We managed to survive 10 days in a tent circling Iceland with little to no personal space away from each other. That is a very rare and beautiful thing.

But as summer turned to fall in late 2018 arguments began to surface. Surely couples argue and let's be honest it was only a matter of time before we were going to find some communication breakdowns.

As the days grew shorter and the temperature dropped winter hit. Winter of 2019 has been very very difficult for us. Sex is gone, Arguments nonstop, insecurities have surfaced full blown in both of us. Now it seems all we do it argue until one of us is too tired to continue and we go to bed.

I don't know, is this what a long term relationship looks like? The scale tips from all good with a little rough to all rough with a little good and we spend our time thinking back to the good old days of our relationship?

All the while sprinkled throughout our relationship has been the intermittent appearances and occurrences of her ex husband.

This is to be expected right? I mean they were fucking married.

So I shrug it off. She loves me right? She talks about how terrible he was right? What do I have to worry about and who am I to control another person telling her who she can and cannot talk to?

Time goes by:
Josh came over today
Josh texted me today
so Josh called me
I wanted to let you know Josh has been texting me
I saw Josh at the grocery
Ran into Josh while I was out

And a month turns to a season, and a season turns into a year, and a year grows past another season

And I sit at the table of her parents house quietly as they discuss his other man
and I sit at the bar with my pint as friends of friends speak of this man
and I am told "we facetimed"

No sex
All fighting
texting the ex husband

In Fall of 2017 this man spit only hate towards me. He said things about me to his wife and he had never even met me. Now in Winter of 2019 I can hear his words coming out of my own mouth about this man I've never met.

We have switched places.
I am now the neglectful significant other
and he is the kind attention giving confidant

He tells her he loves her as simple as breathing, just the way she likes it
He texts back and Facetimes punctually, quickly, just the way she likes it
I don't cuddle as well as he once did
I am forever the 'treats her better than Josh' new guy
Not simply Tem's boyfriend

It seems since the new year Tem and I have been coasting on the energy reserves of found memories past. Both of us unwilling to end this relationship because of how absolutely fucking perfect in every way it once was From August 2017 to August 2018. But This isn't then. This is now.

It seems we spend most of our time talking about how many needs of hers I no longer meet.
And this manipulative conniving man has been waiting in the wing waiting for me to fuck up exactly as I am now. Working the circumstances, making sure he will forever be a part of her life. Friends with her brother, Roommates with her friend, Creeping doctor's offices near her new address, inside her phone to the point that she talks about him with her parents, keeping himself alive with in their minds as well.

He kissed a stripped and suddenly that's the line. Can't believe he crossed. Never mind the strippers ass and vagina being pressed against his dick countless nights, that's fine, that isn't cheating. Pressing ass to dick, fine, pressing her face on his face...whoa now that is too far.

Fuck this guy. And fuck the way he plants this hate within my heart towards him.

I am tired.
This is exhausting.

Everyone loves Josh
And Josh, always gets his way.

Khalid - Talk

02/03/19

2019 has had a depressing start for me. The year started already 10 days into a partial government shutdown. The shutdown lasted 35 days, the longest in this countries history, and for what? No wall agreement was made which means the president merely stopped American workers from getting paid for absolutely no reason other than the fact that he could.

Officially halfway done with Trump's first term and on the second anniversary of his inauguration the country was again reminded of what he stands for and how divided, racist, and hateful our country is.

Nathan Phillips, Nick Sandmann
Drums and MAGA hats

I once again got into a text argument with Jared. This time it was about the situation at the National Mall those high school students from Kentucky and the innocent that occurred.

His arguing points felt very similar to Laura Ingraham in this "interview" I hesitate to even give this type of "news" a view but I think this accurately illustrates the culture I am living in currently in 2019.

at about 6 1/2 minutes into the segment:

Is the maga hat racist?

it’s a piece of clothing that represents Donald Trump and everything that comes along with Donald Trump. Donald Trump is an unrepentant racist. The MAGA hat to many is representative of a Klan hood or of various other symbols of racism.

What’s going on here? Is this real? Did he just say that on cable television? That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard in seven years of doing cable news that Make America Great Again, by the way a slogan used by Bill Clinton at times too, is racist? Are you serious? So Donald Trump, who gives you back more of your money, fought for school choice, has black unemployment at the lowest in modern American history… if he’s a racist, he’s the worst racist in American history.

This was the point in the "conversation" where the frequencies or channels of communication begin to split and we can see clearly where the two sides stand. The Fox News team is making the argument that the MAGA hat CAN'T possibly be racist because it has the harmless words "Make America Great Again" on the hat. Who could be against the idea of making America great again? We are all American citizens why wouldn't you want America great? And how can someone wanting America to be great possibly be racist? Wouldn't making America great be defeated racism? So doesn't the MAGA hat actually stand for the exact opposite of what you are claiming it stands for?!

But that isn't at all what Bishop Talbert Swan is saying. It isn't the literal words, it isn't the literal color red...is the the context, the subtext, and the representation that piece of clothing holds within it.

It makes me think of the Christian symbol of the cross. The cross is a symbol of love and peace right? But what if that cross is now suddenly burning in the front yard of an American citizen? How can the symbol of Jesus, who fought for the freedom, rights, and justice for the oppressed, possibly be perceived as racist? It's just burning on your front yard, no harm at all.

This is the racism of my day. This is the bigotry, the hatred, and the oppression of today. It hides in the smirk under a MAGA hat, it hides in a cable "news" interview asking about fairness.

You cannot deny what your own eyes see when you see these young men mocking, jeering, ridiculing, the native american, you can't deny what you see when you see them accusing and yelling at women and saying things like it's not rape if you enjoy it. So let's not pretend that they are not guilty of any wrong doing.

The fact is that that person who made the comment about rape is not a Covington Catholic student, he's not part of that group. They weren't doing that. (According to Covington Catholic Schools) Nick Sandmann has been threatened and he was standing there. They were not doing that. Did this boys, standing there, did they trigger this behavior on the part of this activist and the black Hebrew Israelites with these hats?

I have no idea what he's talking about we're all watching the same video. It's like we live in a post-fact bizarro world universe. You have a kid standing there in a MAGA hat with a political expression on it motionless with a smile on his face while an adult confronts the kid I don't know what tape the Bishop is watching what did these kids do wrong?

Well if you want to pretend that the few moments where Mr. Sandmann was standing in front of Mr. Phillips is the say all and the be all to the video then go right ahead but there is a lot to the video than just that one point and you cannot sit here and tell me that these young men were not ridiculing, that they were not jeering that they were not mocking, that's obvious, that's what our eyes see.

You agree, I would imagine, that nonviolent, standing there, even wearing a piece of clothing that people find objectionable is not grounds for then threatening to kill them, burn them, to destroy their lives.

I emphatically condemn that type of behavior, but I also condemn the type of behavior that I saw from those young men on that particular day.

What were they doing? They were standing there Bishop? What is Nick Sandmann doing?

Nick Sandmann was not there by himself there was an entire group of young men who were mocking, they were jeering, they were ridiculing...

They were reacting to being called incest babies I imagine.

Well it wasn't Mr. Phillips who called them that and you can't blame their behavior on their interaction with the Hebrew Israelites were.

So people should be called incest babies, and crackers and swear words, and not respond? First of all Nick Sandmann didn't say any of those things, and those other kids weren't part of the school.

We don't have video evidence of this one single student jeering, mocking, or ridiculing. The school where these students came from claim the rape comment wasn't made by one in their group. So that is the end of the conversation. We will choose to ignore the mocking, we will choose to ignore the other comments, because all of those can be refuted...can you prove a student said that? Can you prove that they are "mocking" in the video? Can you prove the phrase "Make America Great Again" is racist? So nothing in this incident was wrong. These are just innocent little baby children who love and support their federal government and who on earth could be against that?

That's the narrative here...but we know that isn't the truth.

Can't see the forest for the trees
Can't see the truth for the facts

And that's exactly where today's racism loves to sit. Can you PROVE the white cop was racist before he murdered the black man?

Do we know what happened BEFORE the cameras started rolling? What did the black man say or do before the cop pulled the gun? What did the woman say before she was hit? But when it comes to the MAGA hat kids we love to say, there is no video evidence so nothing must have happened. No wrongs whatsoever.

How can Donald Trump be racist? He signed the First Step Act Bill for criminal justice reform. Black unemployment is at an all-time low. So he couldn't possibly be racist. Therefore the MAGA hat can't possibly be the new Klan hood.

The facts, the stuff out in to open, the public eye, in the light of day.
But there is another piece to the puzzle. There is the truth that glares in our faces. It's so obvious, it's so present. But when playing the game of the American judicial system the oasis turns to mirage. And that's the exact way our country would like to keep the system.

What evidence do you have you were raped?
What evidence do you have that there is prejudice?

Obviously I am not advocating for the throwing out of facts. In my day the day of tossing around the words "fake news" facts are very important. And no one, especially myself is trying to discount the facts. Yes the video shows what it shows and the facts are that the MAGA kid stood there smirking, and the school claimed the rape comment wasn't from their student body. But there must be a second fastener in the sign post of reality. There must be a way to capture context with fact to create the pure picture of truth.

This stuff sincerely bothers me. It gives me a heavy heart. This is the truth, Donald Trump is a racist and those fucking MAGA hats are todays white hoods. But the fact is, it's just a piece of clothing.

01/27/19

The Difficult Balance of Intimacy and Independence: Beloved Philosopher and Poet Kahlil Gibran on the Secret to a Loving and Lasting Relationship

Tem retweeted this article a bit back.

...at its truest and most potent, love invariably does change us, deconditioning our painful pathologies and elevating us toward our highest human potential.

I've heard it said in the business, if you aren't growing you're dying. And I've always hated that thought. The idea that there can be found no equilibrium, no contentment, no rest. But the more time I spend on this planet the more I see the truth in the statement. It isn't about greed. It isn't about seeing how much you can grab at the market. The world is not a stagnant place. The world is constantly moving both literally and figuratively. Because of this natural movement standing still is, in a way, stepping backward. The same must be said of love. To love, to truly love, is to change, to grow, to become and discover the most you you.

When lovers are expected to fuse together so closely and completely, mutuality mutates into a paralyzing codependence — a calcified and rigid firmness that becomes brittle to the possibility of growth. In the most nourishing kind of love, the communion of togetherness coexists with an integrity of individuality, the two aspects always in dynamic and fluid dialogue.

Status Quo, predictability, Routine, these are the words I would use to describe marriages I have seen. Spouse wants to come home from work and find something predictable, The routine, children doing homework, picking up from practice, dinner's at six, The usual TV programming routine, rigid, comfortable, controllable. Imagine being in this cycle and wanting to change it a bit. Imagine knowing that voicing a new thought could rock the boat of the one you love. It might be easier to keep quiet they seem so happy in this state. But that little thought that wasn't voiced...that was the uncovered path on the trail of love. Take a step down it, share it with the one you love, walk hand in hand and see who you become. Nothing wrong with turning around love will gladly walk it back with you. As soon as any relationship feels like a place where the idea cannot be voiced it's the first step down the paralyzing fusion too close and complete of love, or I would argue of something other than love.

Let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
-Kahlil Gibran

M. and I have plagued each other with our differences for more than forty years. But it is also a tonic.
…
Along with the differences that abide in each of us, there is also in each of us the maverick, the darling stubborn one who won’t listen, who insists, who chooses preference or the spirited guess over yardsticks or even history. I suspect this maverick is somewhat what the soul is, or at least that the soul lives close by and companionably with its agitating and inquiring force. And of course all of it, the differences and the maverick uprisings, are part of the richness of life. If you are too much like myself, what shall I learn of you, or you of me? I bring home sassafras leaves and M. looks and admires. She tells me how it feels to float in the air above the town and the harbor, and my world is sweetened by her description of those blue miles. The touch of our separate excitements is another of the gifts of our life together.
-Mary Oliver

I think Tem and I are figuring out this balance between space and togetherness, between her and me. I think the next step forward on this path of love is the safety and trust of sharing. Reminds me of the book Scary Close by Donald Miller. Finding who we are away is one thing...being able to bring that true person forward infront of the person you love with all of my thoughts, ideas, fears, worries, hopes, dreams, to bring all of that and to find the safety to share it. That is where the soil will be found to plant our roots of love giving us the room to push deeper with the space to stretch branches outward.

H.E.R. - I'm Not OK

01/21/19

Rediscovering Lost Values - 1954


I want you to think with me this morning from the subject: rediscovering lost values. Rediscovering lost values. There is something wrong with our world, something fundamentally and basically wrong. I don’t think we have to look too far to see that. I’m sure that most of you would agree with me in making that assertion. And when we stop to analyze the cause of our world’s ills, many things come to’mind. We begin to wonder if it is due to the fact that we don’t know enough. But it can’t be that. Because in terms of accumulated knowledge we know more today than men have known in any period of human history. We have the facts at our disposal. We know more about mathematics, about science, about social science, and philosophy, than we’ve ever known in any period of the world’s history. So it can’t be because we don’t know enough. And then we wonder if it is due to the fact that our scientific genius lags behind. That is, if we have not made enough progress scientifically. Well then, it can’t be that. For our scientific progress over the past years has been amazing. Man through his scientific genius has been able to warp distance and place time in chains, so that today it’s possible to eat breakfast in New York City and supper in London, England. Back in about 1753 it took a letter three days to go from New York City to Washington, and today you can go from here to China in less time than that. It can’t be because man is stagnant in his scientific progress. Man’s scientific genius has been amazing. I think we have to look much deeper than that if we are to find the real cause of man’s problems and the real cause of the world’s ills today. If we are to really find it I think we will have to look in the hearts and souls of men. The trouble isn’t so much that we don’t know enough, but it’s as if we aren’t good enough. The trouble isn’t so much that our scientific genius lags behind, but our moral genius lags behind. The great problem facing modern man is that, that the means by which we live, have outdistanced the spiritual ends for which we live. So we find ourselves caught in a messed-up world. The problem is with man himself and man’s soul. We haven’t learned how to be just and honest and kind and true and loving. And that is the basis of our problem. The real problem is that through our scientific genius we’ve made of the world a neighborhood, but through our moral and spiritual genius we’ve failed to make of it a brotherhood. And the great danger facing us today is not so much the atomic bomb that was created by physical science. Not so much that atomic bomb that you can put in an aeroplane and drop on the heads of hundreds and thousands of people as dangerous as that is. But the real danger confronting civilization today is that atomic bomb which lies in the hearts and souls of men, capable of exploding into the vilest of hate and into the most damaging selfishness. That’s the atomic bomb that we’ve got to fear today. Problem is with the men. Within the heart and the souls of men. That is the real basis of our problem. My friends, all I’m trying to say is that if we are to go forward today, we’ve got to go back and rediscover some mighty precious values that we’ve left behind. That’s the only way that we would be able to make of our world a better world, and to make of this world what God wants it to be and the real purpose and meaning of it. The only way we can do it is to go back, and rediscover some mighty precious values that we’ve left behind. Our situation in the world today reminds me of a very popular situation that took place in the life of Jesus. It was read in the Scripture for the morning, found over in the second chapter of Luke’s gospel. The story is very familiar, very popular, we all know it. You remember when Jesus was about twelve years old, there was the custom of the feast. Jesus’ parents took him up to Jerusalem. That was an annual occasion, the feast of the Passover, and they went up to Jerusalem and they took Jesus along with them. And they were there a few days, and then after being there they decided to go back home, to Nazareth. And they started out, and I guess as it was the tradition in those days, the father probably traveled in front, and then the mother and the children behind. You see they didn’t have the modern conveniences that we have today. They didn’t have automobiles and subways and buses. They, they walked, and traveled on donkeys and camels and what have you. So they traveled very slow, but it was usually the tradition for the father to lead the way. And they left Jerusalem going on back to Nazareth, and I imagine they walked a little while and they didn’t look back to see if everybody was there. But then the Scripture says, they went about a day’s journey and they stopped, I imagine to check up, to see if everything was all right, and they discovered that something mighty precious was missing. They discovered that Jesus wasn’t with them. Jesus wasn’t in the midst. And so they, they paused there, and, and looked and they didn’t see him around, and they went on, and, and started looking among the kinsfolk, and they went on back to Jerusalem and found him there, in the temple with the doctors of the law. Now, the real thing that is to be seen here is this, that the parents of Jesus realized that they had left, and that they had lost a mighty precious value. They had sense enough to know that before they could go forward to Nazareth, they had to go backward to Jerusalem to rediscover this value. They knew that. They knew that they couldn’t go home to Nazareth until they went back to Jerusalem. Sometimes, you know, it’s necessary to go backward in order to go forward. That’s, that’s, that’s an analogy of life. I remember the other day I was driving out of New York City into Boston, and I stopped off in Bridgeport, Connecticut, to visit some friends. And I went out of New York on a highway that is known as the Merritt Parkway, it leads into Boston, a very fine parkway. And I stopped in Bridgeport, and after being there for two or three hours, I decided to go on to Boston, and I wanted to get back on the Merritt Parkway. And I went out thinking that I was going toward the Merritt Parkway. I started out, and, and I rode, and I kept riding, and I looked up and I saw a sign saying two miles to a little town that I knew I was to bypass- I wasn’t to pass through that particular town. So, I, I thought I was on the wrong road. I stopped and I asked a gentleman on the road which way would I get to the Merritt Parkway. And he said, the Merritt Parkway is about twelve or fifteen miles back that way. You’ve got to turn around and go back to the Merritt Parkway, you are out of the way now. In other words, before I could go forward to Boston, I had to go back about twelve or fifteen miles to get to the Merritt Parkway. May it not be that, that modern man has gotten on the wrong parkway? And if he is to go forward to the city of salvation, he’s got to go back and get on the right parkway. And so that was the thing that Jesus’ parents realized, that, that they had to go back and, and, and find this mighty precious value that they had left behind, in order to go forward. They realized that. And so they went back to Jerusalem and discovered Jesus, rediscovered him so to speak, in order to go forward to Nazareth. Now that’s what we’ve got to do in our world today. We’ve left a lot of precious values behind; we’ve lost a lot of precious values. And if we are to go forward, if we are to make this a better world in which to live, we’ve got to go back. We’ve got to rediscover these precious values that we’ve left behind. I want to deal with one or two of these mighty precious values that we’ve left behind, that if we’re to go forward and to make this a better world, we must rediscover. The first is this-the first principle of value that we need to rediscover is this that all reality hinges on moral foundations. In other words, that this is a moral universe, and that there are moral laws of the universe, just as abiding as the physical laws. I’m not so sure we all believe that. We, we never doubt that there are physical laws of the universe that we must obey. We never doubt that. And so we just don’t jump out of airplanes or jump off of high buildings for the fun of it we don’t do that. Because we, we unconsciously know that there is a final law of gravitation, and if you disobey it you’ll suffer the consequences we know that. Even if we don’t know it in its Newtonian formulation, we, we know it intuitively, and so we just don’t jump off the highest building in Detroit for the fun of it we, we, we don’t do that. Because we know that there is a law of gravitation which is final in the universe. If we disobey it, we’ll suffer the consequences. But I’m not so sure if we know that there are, are moral laws, just as abidng as the physical law. I’m not so sure about that. I’m not so sure we really believe that there is a law of love in this universe, and that if you disobey it you’ll suffer the consequences. I’m not so sure if we really believe that. Now, at least two things convince me that, that we don’t believe that, that we have strayed away from the principle that this is a moral universe. The first thing is that we have adopted in the modern world a sort of a relativistic ethic. Now, I’m not trying to use a big word here. I’m trying to say something very concrete. And that is that, that we have accepted the attitude that right and wrong are merely relative to our. . . . Most people can’t stand up for their, for their convictions, because the majority of people might not be doing it. See, everybody’s not doing it, so it must be wrong. And, and since everybody is doing it, it must be right. So a sort of numerical interpretation of what’s right. But I’m here to say to you this morning that some things are right and some things are wrong. Eternally so, absolutely so. It’s wrong to hate. It always has been wrong and it always will be wrong! It’s wrong in America, it’s wrong in Germany, it’s wrong in Russia, it’s wrong in China! It was wrong in two thousand B.c., and it’s wrong in nineteen fifty-four A.D.! It always has been wrong, and it always will be wrong! It’s wrong to throw our lives away in riotous living. No matter if everybody in Detroit is doing it. It’s wrong! It always will be wrong! And it always has been wrong. It’s wrong in every age, and it’s wrong in every nation. Some things are right and some things are wrong, no matter if everybody is doing the contrary. Some things in this universe are absolute. The God of the universe has made it so. And so long as we adopt this relative attitude toward right and wrong, we’re revolting against the very laws of God himself. Now that isn’t the only thing that convinces me that we’ve strayed away from this attitude, this principle. The other thing is that we have adopted a sort of a pragmatic test for right and wrong-whatever works is right. If it works, it’s all right. Nothing is wrong but that which does not work. If you don’t get caught, it’s right. That’s the attitude, isn’t it? It’s all right to disobey the Ten Commandments, but just don’t disobey the Eleventh, Thou shall not get caught. That’s the attitude. That’s the prevailing attitude in, in our culture. No matter what you do, just do it with a, with a bit of finesse. You know, a sort of attitude of the survival of the slickest. Not the Darwinian survival of the fittest, but the survival of the slickest-who, whoever can be the slickest is, is the one who right. It’s all right to lie, but lie with dignity. It’s all right to steal and to rob and extort, but do it with a bit of finesse. It’s even all right to hate, but just dress your hate up in the garments of love and make it appear that you are loving when you are actually hating. Just get by! That’s the thing that’s right according to this new ethic. My friends, that attitude is destroying the soul of our culture! It’s destroying our nation! The thing that we need in the world today, is a group of men and women who will stand up for right and be opposed to wrong, wherever it is. A group of people who have come to see that some things are wrong, whether they’re never caught up with. Some things are right, whether nobody sees you doing them or not. All I’m trying to say is, our world hinges on moral foundations. God has made it so! God has made the universe to be based on a moral law. So long as man disobeys it he is revolting against God. That’s what we need in the world today-people who will stand for right and goodness. It’s not enough to know the intricacies of zoology and biology. But we must know the intricacies of law. It is not enough to know that two and two makes four. But we’ve got to know somehow that it’s right to be honest and just with our brothers. It’s not enough to know all about our philosophical and mathematical disciplines. But we’ve got to know the simple disciplines, of being honest and loving and just with all humanity. If we don’t learn it, we will destroy ourselves, by the misuse of our own powers. This universe hinges on moral foundations. There is something in this universe that justifies Carlyle in saying, No lie can live fore~er.~ There is something in this universe that justifies William Cullen Bryant in saying, Truth, crushed to earth, will rise again. There is something in this universe that justifies James Russell Lowell in saying, Truth forever on the scaffold, Wrong forever on the throne. With that scaffold sways the future. Behind the dim unknown stands God, Within the shadow keeping watch above his There is something in this universe that justifies the biblical writer in saying, You shall reap what you SOW. This is a law-abiding universe. This is a moral universe. It hinges on moral foundations. If we are to make of this a better world, we’ve got to go back and rediscover that precious value that we’ve left behind. And then there is a second thing, a second principle that we’ve got to go back and rediscover. And that is that all reality has spiritual control. In other words, we’ve got to go back and rediscover the principle that there is a God behind the process. Well this you say, why is it that you raise that as a point in your sermon, in a church? The mere fact we are at church, we believe in God, we don’t need to go back and rediscover that. The mere fact that we are here, and the mere fact that we sing and pray, and come to church-we believe in God. Well, there’s some truth in that. But we must remember that it’s possible to affirm the existence of God with your lips and deny his existence with your life. The most dangerous type of atheism is not theoretical atheism, but practical atheism that’s the most dangerous type. And the world, even the church, is filled up with people who pay lip service to God and not life service. And there is always a danger that we will make it appear externally that we believe in God when internally we don’t. We say with our mouths that we believe in Him, but we live with our lives like He never existed. That is the ever-present danger confronting religion. That’s a dangerous type of atheism. And I think, my friends, that that is the thing that has happened in America. That we have unconsciously left God behind. Now, we haven’t consciously done it, we, we have unconsciously done it. You see, the text, you remember the text said, that Jesus’ parents went a whole day’s journey not knowing that he wasn’t with them. They didn’t consciously leave him behind. It was unconscious. Went a whole day and didn’t even know it. It wasn’t a conscious process. You see, we didn’t grow up and say, now, good-bye God, we’re going to leave you now. The materialism in America has been an unconscious thing. Since the rise of the Industrial Revolution in England, and then the invention of all of our gadgets and contrivances and all of the things and modern conveniences-we unconsciously left God behind. We didn’t mean to do it. We just became so involved in, in getting our big bank accounts that we unconsciously forgot about God-we didn’t mean to do it. We became so involved in getting our nice luxurious cars, .and they’re very nice, but we became so involved in it that it became much more convenient to ride out to the beach on Sunday afternoon than to, than to come to church that morning. It, it was an unconscious thing-we didn’t mean to do it. We became so involved and fascinated by the intricacies of television that we found it a little more convenient to stay at home than to come to church. It was an unconscious thing. We didn’t mean to do it. We didn’t just go up and say, now God, you’re gone. We had gone a whole day’s journey, and then we came to see that we had unconsciously ushered God out of the universe. A whole day’s journey-didn’t mean to do it. We just became so involved in things that we forgot about God. And that is the danger confronting us, my friends. That in a nation as ours where we stress mass production, and that’s mighty important, where we have so many conveniences and luxuries and all of that, there is the danger that we. will unconsciously forget about God. I’m not saying that these things aren’t important, we need them, we need cars, we need money, all of that’s important to live. But whenever they become substitutes for God, they become injurious. And may I say to you this morning, that none of these things can ever be real substitutes for God. Automobiles and subways, televisions and radios, dollars and cents, can never be substitutes for God. For long before any of these came into existence, we needed God. And long after they will have passed away, we will still need God. And I say to you this morning in conclusion that I’m not going to put my ultimate faith in things. I’m not going to put my ultimate faith in gadgets and contrivances. As a young man with most of my life ahead of me, I decided early to give my life to something eternal and absolute. Not to these little gods that are here today and gone tomorrow. But to God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Not in the little gods that can be with us in a few moments of prosperity. But in the God who walks with us through the valley of the shadow of death, and causes us to fear no evil. That’s the God. Not in the god that can give us a few Cadillac cars and Buick convertibles, as nice as they are, that are in style today and out of style three years from now. But the God who threw up the stars, to bedeck the heavens like swinging lanterns of eternity. Not in the god that can throw up a few skyscraping buildings, but the God who threw up the gigantic mountains, kissing the sky, as if to bathe their peaks in the loftitudes. Not in the god that can give us a few televisions and radios, but the God who threw up that great cosmic light, that gets up early in the morning in the eastern horizon, who paints its technicolor across the blue, something that man could never make. I’m not going to put my ultimate faith in the little gods that can be destroyed in an atomic age, but the God who has been our help in ages past, and our hope for years to come, and our shelter in the time of storm, and our eternal home.’ That’s the God that I’m putting my ultimate faith in. That’s the God that I call upon you to worship this morning. Go out and be assured that that God is going to last forever. Storms might come and go. Our great skyscraping buildings will come and go. Our beautiful automobiles will come and go, but God will be here. Plants may wither, the flowers may fade away, but the Word of our God shall stand forever, and nothing can ever stop Him. All of the P-38s in the world can never reach God. All of our atomic bombs can never reach Him. The God that I’m talking about this morning is the God of the universe and the God that will last through the ages. If we are to go forward this morning, we’ve got to go back and find that God. That is the God that demands and commands our ultimate allegiance. If we are to go forward, we must go back and rediscover these precious values -that all reality hinges on moral foundations and that all reality has spiritual control. God bless you. The Lord bless thee and keep thee, The Lord make His face to shine upon thee and be gracious unto thee, The Lord lift up the light of his countenance unto thee, And be with thee in thy going out and thy coming in, In thy labor and in thy leisure in thy moments of joy and in thy moments of sorry until the day when their shall be no unset and...

2018 - Give Us The Ballot - 1957
2017 - The Three Evils of Society 1967
2016 - The other America 1967
2015 - Why Jesus Called a Man a Fool 1967
2014 - But if Not 1967
2013 - A speech at Riverside church

01/20/19

Last Friday one of my kindergarten students brought a loaded handgun to the school building.
Thankfully the staff was able to confiscate the weapon upon arrival and he didn't make it past the office.

I know this kid, I have no idea what was going through his little developing brain when he decided to take his dad's gun to school.

I'm doubtful it was with the intention to harm, but nonetheless, a 6 year old with a loaded weapon with no violent intentions is equally as frightening as an older student with intentions.

I keep thinking about our active shooter training, I think about our lock down drills, and then I think about how this kid was minutes away from pointing a loaded weapon either at me or at classmates, with or without the intention of pulling the trigger, people's lives in the hands of a 6 year old who isn't cognitively able to comprehend the magnitude of the situation and the weapon he held. The thing could have gone off on his own leg.

Then I think about the child's father, the kind of man, or rather kid himself, who not only keeps a loaded firearm in his home but in a place that is accessible to his kindergarten child.

And then I think about the gap between us, our lifestyles, our day to day, the things we stress about, the things we deal with. Guns to me are a fantasy object, they are only in video games and movies I talk about guns so lightly. 31 years of life and I've never had a gun pointed at me. I've gone shooting with friends maybe twice in my life.

I think about how scary the thought of a kindergartner pointing a gun at my class or me seems.
Then I think about how all of those American citizens must have felt while a police officer sworn to protect and serve them must have felt moments before the officer decided to play judge, jury, and executioner moving the index finger fractions of an inch to end a citizen's life forever.

What the fuck are we doing with guns? Why do these things exist? Or rather why are their so many and why are they so accessible?

Too many strangers have complete control over who gets to exist and who doesn't...in an instant.

I think about that college girl at Kent with the semiautomatic weapon on twitter showing off all her weapons...how foolish, how absolutely foolish...why, what are we doing?

Treating this death objects like it is a political game, like it is funny to wield them in public, like a stranger couldn't take it from you, like it couldn't misfire, like it isn't the instant changer of lives.

And for what?

What does it profit for Americans to own one of these? What can a gun do that bear mace couldn't?

Other than the complete and utter finality of one over the other?

What kind of person would choose ending a life over incapacitating until arrest?

I could have very easily not be here today to type these thoughts.
Even Monday when I return to work, What is stopping another child from bringing a weapon undetected into the building?

WHY THE FUCK is being a teacher in a public American school so dangerous? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY? To know the stats, to hear the students fears, and the survivors stories...and to do NOTHING...to give me an active shooter video and continue living EXACTLY the same way...

I think the saddest thing is knowing that if I am ever shot dead in my classroom nothing will change. My life or rather my death will be in vein...no laws or government change will happen in order to keep future classes like mine and teachers like me safe. My last thought will be how useless my death will be to protect future lives in a school in America.

It makes me think about all the teachers of the past the ones who died doing what they loved, but without any expectations of the risk, and for what? thoughts and prayers...and this fucked up country moves forward adding another statistic and pushing on.

Dave Sanders - Columbine
Barry Grunow - Lake Worth Middle School
Eugene Segro - Red Lion Area Junior High School
Joyce Gregory - Dover, Tennessee
Neva Jane Wynkoop-Rogers - Red Lake Senior High School
Gary Seale - Campbell County High School
Mary Alicia Shanks - Essex Elementary School
John Alfred Klang - Weston High School
Vicki Kaspar - Millard South High School
Dale Regan - Episcopal School of Jacksonville
Rachel D'Avino - Sandy Hook Elementary
Dawn Hochsprung - Sandy Hook Elementary
Anne Marie Murphy - Sandy Hook Elementary
Lauren Rousseau - Sandy Hook Elementary
Mary Sherlach - Sandy Hook Elementary
Victoria Leigh Soto - Sandy Hook Elementary
Michael Landsberry - Sparks Middle School
Karen Elaine Smith - North Park Elementary School
Scott Beigel - Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School
Aaron Feis - Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School
Chris Hixon - Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School
Glenda Ann Perkins - Santa Fe High School
Cynthia Tisdale - Santa Fe High School

These are the school staff members who have been murdered at work since Columbine. This isn't even the count of a single student, and this isn't a count of the college, and higher education professors who have been murdered.

Each and every name a life lost while part of the education system and each and everyone of their deaths has had no effect on this countries gun laws.

if I am ever shot dead in my classroom nothing will change. My life or rather my death will be in vein...no laws or government change will happen in order to keep future classes like mine and teachers like me safe.

Thoughts and Prayers.

Peter Manos - In My Head

01/13/19

Sabbatical Request

Hey dude, I know you're 40 which is basically 80...so since you're retired and have a lot of time on your hands I wanted to see if you could write something for me to read while I'm gone on sabbatical?

I'm planning to be totally unplugged. No social media, text, email, or anything while I'm gone.

But I'm gonna miss my people, and you're definitely one of my people, so if you wanted to write a devotional, prayer, letter, or share a favorite song or passage or whatever you think I might like to read from you, let me know. You can email it back to me by Jan 20th so I can print it out before I go and I'll be sure to print it out and take it with me.

Thanks ahead of time!

Love you bro!

_______________________________________________________

Well currently as you know Tem and I broke up which means my mind is consumed with only thoughts about that, So I'm sorry I should have written things for you to read prior but who could have known. Well first off if you ever are in need of mindless ramblings of my inner thoughts to occupy yourself you're free to print off as many posts from my blog as you see fit. https://adamandchrist.blogspot.com/ I wish I had a secret book I was working on to share with you like you have or something of more substance. The simplest thing I could do is provide you with a reading list...so here it is:

"What are people for?" by Wendell Berry
"Cousin Bette" by Honoré de Balzac
"No impact man" by Colin Beavan
"The Luminaries" by Eleanor Catton
There is this quote I absolutely love in this book:
'Well,' said Staines, frowning slightly, 'that's very difficult to say—which to value higher. Honesty or loyalty. From a certain point of view one might say that honesty is a kind of loyalty—loyalty to the truth…though one would hardly call loyalty a kind of honesty! I suppose that when it came down to it—if I had to choose between being dishonest but loyal, or being disloyal but honest—I'd rather stand by my men, or by my country, or by my family, than by truth. So I suppose I'd say loyalty…I myself. But in others…in the case of others, I feel quite differently. I'd much prefer an honest friend to a friend who was merely loyal to me; and I'd much rather be loyal to an honest friend than to a sycophant. Let's say that my answer is conditional; in myself, I value loyalty; on others, honesty.
-Eleanor Catton, The Luminaries
I wrote about it back in 2016 https://adamandchrist.blogspot.com/2016/07/072416.html sometimes going back through old journal entries really makes you see what an idiot I am constantly repeating my mistakes cursed to run from the people I love only to be given the grace to be loved by another person and again continue the cycle.
"The Heart of Everything That Is: The Untold Story of Red Cloud, An American Legend" by Bob Drury and Tom Clavin
"Absolute truths" by Susan Howatch
And another quote I love from this book:
She touched the clay with a sensuous gesture which implied a satisfaction physical in its intensity, and not for the first time I thought how strange artists were. With their capacity to seal themselves away in a private world and retreat deep into a forest of mental forms which no ordinary person could penetrate, they seem almost inhuman as they slaved constantly to explore humanity. Harriet caressed her work like a mother; I suspected it would always mean more to her than any infant of flesh and blood, and that it was probably no accident that she was childless. Yet I felt that she must know more about the deepest emotions of maternity than some mothers, and I saw then that although she was obviously capable of profound passion, every ounce of it was so fond of Aysgarth. Any affectionate, amusing, intelligent male who made no time-wasting demands would be a highly prized acquaintance.
"I always wanted to do those hands of his," she said, "but I could never see the right way to present them. Then about a year ago they began to haunt me. I dreamed about them, thought of them night and day - until finally I saw how they had to be done."
"And after that did everything go smoothly?"
"Good God, no! Quite the reverse. Creation has to be the greatest pleasure in the universe, but it can be pretty damned harrowing when the work's in process."
"You never thought of giving up?"
"Don't be ridiculous! When things go wrong I don't chuck in the towel. I just slave harder than ever to make everything come right. Making everything come right, that's what it's all about. No matter how many disasters happen, no matter how many difficulties I encounter, I can't rest until I've brought order out of chaos and made everything come right. Of course I made a lot of mistakes. I turned down various blind alleys and had to rework everything to get back on course. But that's normal. You can't create without waste and mess and sheer undiluted slog - you can't create without pain. It's all part of the process. Its in the nature of things. You theologians talk a lot about creation, but as far as I can see none of you know the first damn thing about it. God didn't create the world in seven days and then sit back and say: 'Gee-whiz, that's great!' He created the first outlines of his project to end all projects and he said: 'Yes, that's got a lot of potential but how the hell do I realize it without making a first-class balls up?' And then the real hard work began.
"And still continues. Theologians don't believe God withdrew from the world after the first creation blast and forgot about it"
"Of course he couldn't forget! No creator can forget! If the blast-off's successful you're hooked, and once you're hooked you're inside the work as well as outside it, it's part of you, you're welded to it, you're enslaved, and that's why it's such bloody hell when things go adrift. But no matter how much the mess and distortion make you want to despair, you can't abandon the work because you're chained to the bloody thing, it's absolutely woven into your soul and you know you can never rest until you've brought truth out of all the distortion and beauty out of all the mess - but it's agony, agony, agony - while simultaneously being the most wonderful and rewarding experience in the world - and that's the creative process which so few people understand. It involves an indestructible sort of fidelity, an insane sort of hope, an indescribable sort of... well, it's love, isn't it? There's no other word for it. You love the work and you suffer with it and always - always - you're slaving away against all odds to make everything come right. Every step I take - every bit of the clay I ever touch - they're all there in the final work. If they hadn't happened, then this wouldn't exist. In fact they had to happen for the work to emerge as it is, So in the end every major disaster, every time error, every wrong turning, every fragment of discarded clay, all the blood, sweat and tears - everything has meaning. I give it meaning. I reuse, reshape, recast all that goes wrong so that in the end nothing is wasted and nothing is without significance and nothing ceases to be precious to me."
-Chapter 17 Section 2 Absolute Truths by Susan Howatch
I wrote a lot about this book as I read it in the winter of 2014. https://adamandchrist.blogspot.com/2014/01/011814.html I apologize in advance if some of my thoughts make you cringe. Understand that life is a growing process and most of that growth comes from mess. So my past (and present) thoughts are probably all messy.
"The Mind of the Maker" by Dorothy L. Sayers
"Just Food: Where Locavores Get It Wrong and How We Can Truly Eat Responsibly" by James E. McWilliams

This quote is from The Man in the High Castle, you can read it if you want but I really just like this quote so I hope you enjoy it.
...Getting up, he hurried into his study, returned at once with two cigarette lighters which he set down on the coffee table. "Look at these. Look the same, don't they? Well, listen. One has historicity in it." He grinned at her. "Pick them up. Go ahead. One's worth oh, maybe forty or fifty thousand dollars on the collectors' market."
The girl gingerly picked up the two lighters and examined them.
"Don't you feel it?" he kidded her, "The historicity?"
She said, "What is 'historicity'?"
"When a thing has history in it. Listen. One of these two Zippo lighters was in Franklin D. Roosevelt's pocket when he was assassinated. And one wasn't. One has historicity, a hell of a lot of it. As much as any object ever had. And one has nothing, Can you feel it?" He nudged her. "You can't. You can't tell which is which. There's no 'mystical plasmic presences,' no 'aura' around it."
"Gee," the girl said, awed. "Is that really true? That he had one of those on him that day?"
"Sure. And I know which it is. You see my point. It's all a big racket; they're playing it on themselves. I mean a gun goes through a famous battle, like the Meuse-Argonne, and it's the same as if it hadn't, unless you know. It's in here." He tapped his head. "In the mind, not the gun. I used to be a collector. In fact, that's how I got into this business. I collected stamps. Early British colonies."
The girl now stood at the window, her arms folded, gazing out at the lights of downtown San Francisco. "My mother and dad used to say we wouldn't have lost the war if he had lived," she said.
"Okay," Wyndam-Matson went on. "Now suppose say last year the Canadian Government or somebody, anybody, finds the plates from which some old stamp was printed. And the ink. And a supply of --"
"I don't believe either of those two lighters belonged to Franklin Roosevelt," the girl said.
Wyndam-Matson giggled. "That's my point! I'd have to prove it to you with some sort of document. A paper of authenticity. And so it's all a fake, a mass delusion. The paper proves its worth, not the object itself!"

As I said you're free to read my journal entries in my blog if for no other reason I usually put my favorite quotes in them and then try to process them. So If the only stimulating words you read from my journals are those from other author's pen I wouldn't be offended because they are great quotes.

I'm going to miss you on your trip and if I think of anything else to recommend or say I'll let you know.

Love,
Adam